Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

moving forward one step at a time

i have been struggling lately.  struggling to find the good in each day, to find the best me each day.  i find myself being more negative as a result and it's killing me.  i hate the crap that comes out of my mouth when i am being negative.  as soon as it leaves my lips, i want to kick myself.  but it is one step at a time and i am aware that self-care has not been a priority for me, which seems to result with me being a less than what i to be as a human being. 

i know that i need to get back to things that nurture my soul because without those things, i am lost in a quagmire.  so in a positive self-exercise i started a short list of things that make me happy or feel good inside.  here are the first two and i am working to add more.

• being outside with my camera
• jammin' to good tunes and singing my heart out

probing

Warning:  may be TMI for some readers

As a young girl, I remember adding up how many times I had had my period.  “Oh my, this is my 7^th time having my period!”  “Wow, twenty times I’ve had my period.”  When I was young, I looked at my period as something exciting, that bridge to ‘womanhood,’ whatever that meant at the time.  Twenty-six years later, I have come to loathe that special relative, Aunt Flo.  It amazes me as I look back on how I felt about menstruating over the years:

• This period business is exciting stuff!
• Even practicing safe sex, the arrival of the red beast always meant I was not pregnant.  (YAY!)
• F&*K!  My period showed up.  Meaning I wasn’t pregnant.  (Boo!)
• Menstruation is a nasty part of a woman’s life.  Men can suck it!
• Seriously?  Does my fucking uterus hate me?  

It makes me chuckle to recall the excitement, the ups & downs, and even the despised feeling I have now.   So, why the title “Probing?”   It’s something my vagina knows a bit too much about, in my opinion. 

I’ve always had heavy period with major cramping.  About three years ago, I had an IUD put in.  The majority of women with this form of birth control end up not having a period.  Of course, I do not fall in that category.  I have always had my period and within the last year, it has gotten worse.  At this point, I have my period more than I don’t each month.  As in more than half the month I have to wear some form of panty protection.  After talking with the doctor about it again, we decided to have an ultrasound for a look-see.  I’ve had cysts on my ovaries before and who knew what was going on in there.

U/S day:  I drink my 300oz of water, but when I arrive at the appointment I do not have that full feeling in my bladder nor do I have to pee.  So, after the tech begins she stops and has me drink more water.  Fifteen minutes later, my bladder is finally protesting all the liquid and I am getting my outer lady bits pushed on with that lovely gel and rolling probe.  Which always reminds me of roll-on deodorant.  Sorry, off track there for a minute.  I know as she’s whipping through the screen shots that I will most likely be having an internal u/s as well.  And within minutes, she shares that the “outer part of the u/s is done, but she will have to conduct an internal u/s as well.”  Big surprise.   So, I scoot my ass up onto this triangle thing so my vagina and other lady bits are at optimal viewing and  out comes the long white probe at which point I am asked if I want to insert it myself.  Really?  Can I get a few minutes to myself too?  My response is this “I told them at work I was going to get probed.”  Yes, I said that.  And was instantly mortified.  Thankfully, the tech is cool and laughs with me.  The probe is inserted and my parts start to get an up-close and personal viewing.  Then my bladder fills again and I have to use the restroom again.  And have the probe re-inserted.    Finally we finish and I get to head back to the restroom to pee (again).  I love that you are given nothing to wipe yourself with except for the rough paper towel in the bathroom.  I always use the paper sheet they give you as it’s a bit softer.  She walks me out, just showing me enough to get back out of the building.  Kind of like a date that you just gave out to, but in the end all they wanted was for you to put out.  Long story short, they haven’t a clue as to what my uterus’ problem is beyond saying a big “fuck you” to me almost every day of the month.  

After years of begging the doctor to take out my lady bits, we are a step closer.  I will be having an ablation done in October.  That sounds like total fun!  Having my uterine lining burned off is like me telling my uterus to go fuck herself.  

At this point, anytime my life partner wants to bitch about having his prostate checked now that he’s 40, I pretty much tell him to fuck himself too.

struggles

i have this friend and she's struggling right now.  she's an "internet" friend, one of my preeclampsia sisters.  she has recently shared her experience with depression on her blog and let's just say her writing hit me at my core.  i have had my bouts with depression and this year have been flitting the line.  i am so damn proud of Jenny for having the balls to share publicly as well as take steps for her own safety.  i love ya, my dear.

for a period of time i was on an anti-depressant and ultimately it saved me from a possible severe post-partum depression when the experience that was Ari's birth occurred.  i had first starting feeling down in 2000/2001 after i had my breast reduction.  one of the best things i had ever done for myelf, however i struggled as my identity as the "girl with the big boobs" was gone.  i had normal boobs and didn't know what to make of it.  it took me a while to figure out that the image of myself had shifted and i was uncomfortable with it.  fast forward several months to a work holiday party at which i got the most intoxicated i had ever been.  i have no memory of much of the evening.  the week after, i could barely get out of bed.  within the week, i knew something was wrong but i just couldn't make myself DO anything about it.  it was the urging of my boss that pushed me to call for help.  i must have sounded severely depressed on the phone as the receptionist was worried i wouldn't be okay over the holidays until my appointment.  i assured her i wasn't suicidal, just bone fucking depressed.  after i started meeting with the psychiatrist and the psychologist, i learned what alcohol does to your brain and how it can affect someone already depressed.  with the amount of alcohol i had that evening, my brain went into depression overload.  i worked through some issues at that time and just about the time we decided to have me wean off the meds, i mentioned we wanted to get pregnant.  we made the decision to stay on to help me stay even keel throughout the pregnancy.  while i know this was a lifesaver for me, later on it would be one of many things i would try to use to explain or blame the HELLP on.  which didn't help, duh.  eventually i went off and remained off meds for several years.

about two years ago, i went breifly back onto the same anti-depressant as i dealt with kid issues.  i was feeling anxious and the doc thought it would be a good idea.  i didn't stay on them long.  i currently have a prescription for those same meds that my doc suggested i take again as i work through the crap i'm working through this year.  just to help me through it and to ensure i don't nosedive.  i hate them.  i hate that even though i know it's good for me and meant to help, i feel weak taking them.  that i'm back to being fucking crazy and that i just can't get my shit together.  and so i haven't been taking them.  but after hearing about how Jenny is doing, i intend to start back on them.  i am scared shitless that i will tank again and i just can't. 

this is coupled with an awareness i came into this year about alcohol and me.  i have never been a big drinker, especially after seeing what it can do and having to help my mom on her "good times."  i have a drink or two each week, but they are quite weak and i don't like the feeling of losing control so i don't consume more than 1-2 drinks at a time.  i have been thinking on this lately as i have developed a fear of drinking too much or too often.  and i realized it is because i think i could very easily become an alcoholic.  the send of deadening my feelings, things i am working to feel after not allowing myself to feel for years, things that fucking hurt my heart/mind/soul.  i am fearful of wanting to drink more.  i had a discussion with a friend recently who shared that is why she doesn't drink much, if at all, anymore.  the allure of not feeling is too strong.  i shared this with J this weekend and he appreciated my honesty about it with him.  i knew it was important for me to discuss with him in the event i do cross a line, but i've kept myself in check for several years now so that i hold dear.

i am focusing on strength now rather than weakness.  i read a quote that said something about how on rough days when one cannot think they can make it through one more thing, to remember that one's success rate for making it through the tough times is 100% and that's pretty awesome.  i loved it and it really motivated me to change my perspective on a few things.  i went back and forth about whether to write this post, but decided being truthful and authentic meant i should. 

friends 2.0

i have such gratitude for the lovely friends in my life.  you are my lifeline and i don't know that any of you know that.  for so long i have pushed people away and that gets really fucking lonely.  but as i have grown and learned about myself, i have come to accept who i am and to put myself out there for the friends in my life.  it is not easy for me, but it is part of my personal growth mission.  and i certainly do not tell these individuals enough how much they mean to me.

i received a lovely card from a long time friend earlier this year after i shared very private things here.  this is a friend whom i do not get time with much at all, but that card made me feel.  i cried, i stopped breathing, and i felt loved.  by someone who didn't have to give it or share her appreciation for my sharing.  and i did not properly thank her (wasn't sure how).  L, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  i will never forget that kindness.  i am so thankful you have graced my life.

for my pal S, thank you for setting me straight when i get in the funk and for setting a positive example of a fabulous human being.  in the 4+ years we've know each other, you have taught me to be more kind, more understanding, and just simply how to be a better life force.  your dedication to helping others is one helluvah example.  we've had less time for chats since we no longer work in the same office, but please know i hold you in high esteem.  and that's all i'm going to say as it will make us both uncomfortable if keep going.  :)

for my vagina buddies...seriously, thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling.  for reminding me to not take myself too seriously.  K, for helping me be more "out" socially and encouraging me to grow as a dancer, as a friend, and more.  your attitude is always refreshing and bubbly, and your sparkles are something i want to have more of in my life.  M, thank you for allowing me to be real and calling bullshit when it needs to be.  you make me want to be more educated, more articulate, more of a deep-thinker.  and you encourage that, which is awesome to have in a friend.  what would i do without our vagina time?

R, for the friend who gets me without me having to speak.  we can not talk for weeks and pick right up where we left off.  we can have a deep discussion without being too deep.  you respect my beliefs and experiences and i thank you so much for that.  really, i cannot express how much it means to me.  thank you for being my first panera date and for being silly with me at IM, or just in general. 

i love you all.  thank you for allowing me to be me, for helping me be a better me, and for encouraging me to be myself, my authentic self.

bring sexy back

It struck me this afternoon as I was in the vehicle driving home that when the a/c is turned on full blast, you know the just got in the vehicle and I'm dying from heat full on blast, that some part of me feels like I am on stage or a model and the gimondo fans are blowing on my and making my hair flow with the wind.  The sexiness is all on, fo' sure!

Here is my ginormous, rock star fan....

And this is what I really look like.....

Nope, pretty sure I'm not bringing sexy back. 

4 hours of nothingness

I have spent the last four hours doing much of nothing.  I watched Silver Linings Playbook (great movie) and Pitch Perfect (again), I added some photos to fb, and basically did nothing else.  It was freakin' amazing.

kinda last minute getaway

so near the end of April, the hubs and I were talking & we said we'd each share something we wished we could do this year.  He, of course, would like to go and pay cash for a new camper.  Okay, not happening.  My turn.  Now, I have a problem dreaming big.  It's not something I usually do, I try to stay within attainable, small dreams. But I say I wish we could swing a quick trip to Walt Disney World before our annual passes expire.  He looks at me and says, you know we could possibly do that.  Um, no.  Not realistic at all.

Fast forward to one hour later and we are booked.  Nice flights on Southwest, we had enough vacation points to cover 3 nights, and of course we had our park tickets.  Airfare and food was what we needed to cover.  We worked it so we'd be gone Wed-Sat and would hit the last weekend of the Flower & Garden Festival at Epcot and the opening weekend of Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios.  Oh yeah, photos of flowers and getting my geek on?  Excitement was pretty high in the weeks leading up the trip.

The hubs and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage this August, so we decided to call it an early anniversary trip.  Anything to justify, right?

Here are some highlights.....

 We had beautiful skies, fantastic weather, and warmth in Florida.

  We made a pledge to be silly on this trip, to not take ourselves too seriously

 Some Haunted Mansion fun....

 Fiesta margarita.  You will begin to see a theme on this trip....

This year's festival had food booths and we took advantage of trying new foods & drinks.

 Dole Whip w/ Rum.  Yum.

 Another indulgence on this vacay, we got a SWEET deal on this car

Betty White and my finger shot for Seppy

Selecting dessert

 'The Dark Side,' a very yummy beverage

We had an awesome time.  We thoroughly enjoyed our lack of parental responsibilities for four days and enjoyed each others company.   We so needed this time and even though it was an extra expense, it was so worth it. 

confusion, activism, relaxation, and more. oh my

I didn't feel well this morning, so I called in sick.  It's turned into a mental health wellness day as well.  I finished a delightful, "fluff" book this morning and decided to indulge in a documentary.  One yesterday and one today.  This morning, I watched Pink Ribbons, Inc.  I had told myself I'd relax until noon before showering and then doing some stuff while remaining relaxed.  Then I watched a show that addressed the commercialism of the breast cancer campaign.  I have had some feelings about said campaigns over the recent years, but have felt it was not something I should share as I have family & friends are are large supporters.

I thought the film was done well.  It was thought provoking, informational, and resourceful for me personally.  I took some notes and it got me thinking.  (Remember, that piece above where I shared I was intending to relax today?  Well, I don't do 'nothing' very well.)

• The "survivor" status.  Yes, I think individuals should be celebrating their living through cancer.  However, I am uncomfortable with the "survivor" message sent by the breast cancer awareness machines.  This is two-fold with the term "battle" as used in this situation.  Whether intentional or unintentionally, well-minded people talk about how this person "lost the battle" or "won her battle" with cancer.  What does that mean about those who die from cancer?  They weren't strong enough?  They weren't good enough?  Brave enough? I could go on and on.  
• Charlotte Haley is a woman who designed cards with salmon-colored ribbon on them to promote and encourage individuals to contact their government officials to request that more money be granted for cancer prevention.  Long story short,  Mrs. Haley didn't jump on board and the machine chose a different color.  I share this because Mrs. Haley was concerned with the commercialism of those involved.  And this story leads to one of my concerns and it is discussed in this film.  I admit I have purchased "pink" products.  I have thought to myself, it's better to purchase the pink item rather than the non-pink item because some money is going towards the cause.  That shit ended for me within the last 1-2 years.  Why should I buy a $20 water bottle in which only $1 is gifted to a breast cancer group?  So "I" can feel good?  So, I can show others how supportive of whatever group the piddly $1 went to?  Bullshit.  I'd rather give the entire $20 to an organization.

• Where does my money go?  As a donator and a volunteer for a non-profit, this is important to me.  I have made a stand to not donate to organizations who don't support the values and beliefs I have.  Okay, maybe 1-2 slip through because I want to support a friend's kid or something a friend is doing.  However, there are a few hot button issues I have firmly come to stand for....equal rights for all and a woman's ability to choose.  You may not agree with me and that's okay.  It's my money and not yours that I am deciding to spend.  :)  I don't support the Komen Foundation for remarks made by their leadership.  And that's okay.  I still support breast cancer research and support services, I just do it through a different avenue.  I am aware of a large tax exempt organization that has a legal team at it's ready to sue start-up non-profits if their tagline, logo, or whatever is too similar or is possibly infringing on their "copyright."  Who the fuck owns the pink ribbon anyway?  Who gives a shit?  Thanks for spending donor money to be assholes to another cause.  

• They discuss in the film about how little money is being aimed at cancer prevention.  If we aren't tackling what causes cancer and how to prevent it, how can we 'cure' it?  Are there multiple researchers working on the same thing?  Is someone doing a project that has already been done?  How can I look at all the research for myself and make sense of it?  
•  Who is sitting on the boards of these large machines?  Pharma companies who stand to benefit from treatment drugs?  Companies whose products have a correlation to cancer, even possibly causing cancer?  How does an organization realistically fund a research project on the effects of pesticides if a board member's company owns a pesticide company? 

• Why pink?  Pink is supposedly a 'feminine' color.  What does our society think pink represents?  I personally think of softness, comfort (in particular with the pastel-ly pink) and a "girl power" way for the hot pink, but in a middle school kind-of-way.  No color represents the experience of cancer.  I get that there has to be a color(s) for a campaign, but the pervasive nature of the pink campaign for breast cancer makes me want to vomit.  
•  Sometimes the message of positivity is too much.  Cancer fucking sucks.  Living with cancer, experiencing life with cancer is not easy or pretty.  I don't feel that individuals are not given the freedom to be angry.  Those affected by cancer are "supposed" to remain optimistic and not think of the worst.  How alone an individual may feel at times going through the journey of cancer?  Support means supporting people at the times of most desperate need, acknowledging the hurt and the anger, the good and the bad, meeting them where they are at.  

I stepped away in the middle of this post for a few hours and have returned, so some of my angry steam has flowed away.  :)  What I want to end with is what I took away from this documentary.  I am angry that these groups are not working with environmental groups.  The toxins we are injesting via pesticides, plastic, etc have to be having an effect on our bodies.  I am frustrated that our government by in large refuses to acknowledge we are poisoning ourselves and this earth, that they allow a company like the big M and their fucking soybeans to keep steamrolling our farmers and our citizens.  I am beyond pissed that our government can't get their shit together enough to look at legislating chemical companies and what potential dangers there may be, but wants to control my fucking reproductive system.  I learned today that there is a website that I can go to to learn about the beauty products I use (however, little that may be) or the sunscreen I put on myself & my kids and read a review of how safe that product is.  I found a website that I can read some research pieces on.  I was inspired that I can make changes in my own life to feel better about the products I use, the organizations I support, and learn more in general about breast cancer & the research being done on it. 

I sat there and applied it to my volunteer work and the walk I just coordinated this weekend.  How can I change the way I speak about preeclampsia.  What message do I send when I ask for support in the fight against preeclampsia.  Now, I recognize that preeclampsia and breast cancer are two different health situation.  But there were things I felt I could apply.  Being sure to honor those who are here after their preeclampsia experience as well as those who are not.  I can be better at sharing what research grant $ I fundraise for is actually going for.  I want to talk more about personal advocacy as it is something we don't do in our health care system.  We are taught to listen to the doctor, to not question, may be given grief or even pressured to not have a second opinion.  This weekend I met a woman who I firmly believe would not be here today on earth if she hadn't advocated for herself against a medical team who completely disregarded her, her concerns, and her symptoms.  Five years later, she questions them but not to their face.  I want to highlight how important support is.  Patient support is critical.  Support from others is equally as important. 

I have put together today that the larger picture of women's health and rights are important to me.  Whether it be prenatal care across the glove, sexual education of our young people, breast cancer, domestic violence, or preeclampsia.  Each is separate, but yet connected.  And there is something I can do.  I can continue to write my governmental officials about topics important to me, I can continue to donate to organizations I find worthy, I can discover new organizations I may wish to support, I can change the life of people.  Here or across the globe, I am an agent of change.

I learned that I can add a piece to my "about me" life description.  I am an activist.  For whatever the cause may be, if I believe in it I will do what I can to make a difference, no matter how small. 

nails

I used to have a bit of a problem with nail polish, but it has been years since that was the case.  However, I think I am getting back into the swing of things.....

This is my drawer with the nail goodies.  This is something I have been getting back into that is purely for me.  It puts me in touch with the feminine goddess inside me and allows some expression in a creative manner.  I have been keeping up with my toes most of the time and have been showing some TLC to my nails.  And it's been awesome.  I love it and it makes me happy.  I have struggled with embracing doing things just for me and this is something I can do that is subtle and does not take a great deal of time.

something new

i have been working to find some new things to try and at the same time, receive a positive benefit from. and after much talking with friends and new people i've met, i am giving yoga a try.  okay, let me rephrase..i intend to give yoga a try. 

i had the most wonderful conversation with a really neat lady the other week, she is a yoga instructor and someone i think i could really learn and grow from.  i have a few friends who are really into yoga and one of them has been trying to bring it into the clients we serve at our place of employment. 

i am looking for something that allows me to connect with myself on a deeper and, quite frankly, better level.  Something that has me focusing on breathing, possibly meditation.  i am scared shitless i will not be able to do this for some reason.  completely irrational, i know, but it's something new and slightly intimidating and i am excited to try it.

ps.  everytime i typed yoga, i typed 'yoda' first....must be innate.  :)

Universe talking

Someone shared with me that one can sign up to receive emails from the Universe.  And I promptly did so and I LURVE them something mucho.  You can enter things you want to "work on" when you sign up and each weekday morning I open my email to find a note from the Universe, which usually makes me smile and/or laugh.

Here is a random sampling from this last week's emails for me....

Everyone's scared, Denise.
Few carry on.
Keep calm,
    The Universe

Sometimes the best way to remain sane, Denise, is to love like crazy.
Works for me,
    The Universe

When you tough it out, hold the line, and stay the course, Denise, I promise you there will soon come a day when you look back over your shoulder, shake your head in dismay, and seriously wonder what all the fuss was about.
Just like all the other times,
    The Universe 

I seriously dig these messages.  They allow me to reaffirm some things I am working on with myself and cause me to think a bit deeper, or to even not think too damn deep.  Some days are spot fucking on for what I am feeling at that moment.  In the couple of months I have been receiving these, there was only one that I went "eh" to and that's pretty cool. 

I am also working to develop my own personal mantra, which is harder than one would think.  This is an exercise I am doing with my counselor and sounds cool & exciting when first talking about it, but is something I'm find much more difficult than I imagined it would be.  Who do I want to be?  Who am I already?  How do I truly see myself?  How do I want to see myself going forward?   Where do I fit in in this Universe?

tone

sometimes i wish he could hear himself speak and how the message comes across.  to me, to the children.  they get the message loud and clear that they are disrupting his world even without the words.

forgiveness

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi 

the last post i made immediately prior to this was done out of frustration and anger.  i am working to move beyond those emotions and thus came the topic of forgiveness during my last counseling session.  she asked if i could forgive the things that have impacted me.  and while i hope i can do so, i feel lost at identifying what exactly i need to forgive with some issues.  then came the homework.  i am working on a project in which i identify what things in my life have deeply wounded/cut/whatever term and then working on acceptance.  i do not want to wallow in this pit of anger & frustration i have with several key things in my life.  i want to accept what is and move on.  the actual process of doing that is the sticky part.  and so i have this journal project sitting in my shelf.  it has been there for one week and i am feeling fearful of looking at this shit that exists within me.  but today i will begin.  and that is a wonderful step.

Shut yer mouth!

i have a secret, one that i cannot share at this time, but it is causing me to channel my inner hobbit......"keep it secret, keep it safe."  that is what gandalf says to frodo in lotr.  this secret is a big one and one that requires secrecy for safety.   i realize i am being shifty with the secret talk, but just a handful of people know the secret and we have a while to go before things are public.  so when someone who is in the know starts running their mouth and saying things that could cause others to go "hmmmm," i am going to say something.  and i did.  it was a pretty big thing for me to do with this particular person, which is ultimately what led me to write today.

i stood up and said something, which is something i do not usually do with this person.  i have always tried to keep the peace, but that is coming to an end.  it is about frickin' time i speak up and i am happy with myself that i did so.

a long time coming

i have started and deleted a few blog posts in the last two weeks, the words just not flowing like i wish they would.  and this post will probably be a jumble of words, so hang on tight.  :)

i have had some up days and down days, but i continue to work on personal growth and acceptance.  i struggle with acceptance as i feel there is something i should do (as in a task) or that there should be a difference in feeling, but there isn't.  well, there is a sense of freedom that comes as i move through acceptance.  but sometimes is way fucking difficult to do.  all in all, i feel better.  i feel better about myself and how i talk to myself and think about myself.  i know that i am capable, loveable, and pretty darn awesome.  gosh, that sounds so freaking egotistical.  i feel powerful, in a good way.  and that is amazing.

i received many gifts today as it's my 37th birthday.  some were material things, some monetary.  but the greatest gifts i received were those of love.  people who care about me and love me for who i am gathered together to celebrate the day.  people on facebook shared their birthday wishes.  i had some awesome texts as well from some special folks in my life.  what an amazing gift.  i am so grateful for everyone's love and friendship. 

this week i took part in a phenomenal event, One Billion Rising.  It was a call for a revolution that demands an end to violence against women & children across the globe.  We had some "random acts of dance" at work that involved some great dance moves (the sprinkler, the lawn mower, moonwalking, I could go on and on) and lots of laughter.  At work it's easy, everyone gets why we are doing this.  We are all aware of the violence and the atrocities committed.  Outside of work, it's a different story.  Getting people to care about violence in another country or even across town is difficult.  That is something I have difficulty understanding, but human rights, particularly female rights are a passionate cause in my heart.  I also had the opportunity to help plan and participate in a community event for OBR.  It didn't turn out as planned, but we had fun nonetheless. 

The snafu of the event led to a nightmare about the walk that I coordinate....I dreamed that no one but my family of four showed up at the event.  No one else.  Ack!  What a nightmare.  My heart is bursting with love for this event and I always want it to turn out well, but there are challenges.  something i figured out through this process of self discovery & growth is that i need validation from outside source to feel worthy.  and when planning a community event, this can be an issue.  when i feel as if no one is listening or cares, i feel like it is a rejection of me.  i can logically understand this isn't so, but deep down if it's important to me and i am important to someone else, why don't they recognize the passion and support it.  it is something i am working on and with multiple projects going on, i am getting the opportunity for lots of practice. :)

i am learning to love myself.  to be comfortable with myself and to hell with what others think.  that i need to please myself rather than pleasing others first.  i got an amazing text tonight from a friend and her words touched me in a way she cannot possibly imagine.  i love her and her friendship and i am so fortunate to have her in my life.  she gets me and accepts me for who i am at my core, quirks and all.  what a gift.  she's a pretty spectacular person herself.  love ya.

the hubs and i are doing awesome, working on our communication and support of each other.  it's been fantastic.  it has been a new commitment to each other and our family, which was needed. 

we had parent teacher conferences this last week.  the kids are doing great!  the boy child has been doing well with OT and the extra things we've added at home for his needs and we are seeing improvements with those additions.  the girl child is also doing great and continues to amaze me.  they both slept through the night, in their own beds for 6 nights in a row.  YES.  i could not say if that ever happened before.  it is pure awesomesauce!

well, that's the wrap-up for now.  signing off for the night.

fear vs love

in my session with the counselor this week I worked through an exercise that was another light bulb moment for me.  i mentioned in my first vomit-post that i have issues with feeling unworthy.  apparently the feeling of fear is strong in me.  many things that i may "feel" are really surface issues that are truly fear.  i may be frustrated with something, which in turn makes me angry.  and i feel helpless, which is an awful, horrible feeling for me.  but that really boils down to feeling abandoned, which ultimately means that i am afraid.  i want to be seen and validated which equal acceptance.  and i am fearful when i do not feel accepted.

we discussed how things at their basic level are based on fear or love.  and many, most to be honest, in my life are based in fear at the moment and have been for a while.  i am fearful of being abandoned.  if i look at it, i think "well duh."  i have a father who didn't want me at the start.  i just never thought i had an issue with it, but i never allowed myself to just simply accept it for what it truly was and move on.

i also discovered that i use surface feeling words to deal with my "problems" rather than allow and accept what the true feeling may really be.  i got this awesome worksheet with feeling words.  in part, it appears to be a grade school emotions sheet, but it had been great for me to find a different, more accurate word for what i may be feeling.  i am trying to be a human 'being' rather than a human 'doer.'  it is a challenge.  to let the feelings percolate and honestly feel them rather than tell myself i shouldn't feel that way or just plain stuff it immediately.  that song & dance is getting me nowhere.  and my journey is to somewhere other than where i have been lately.  i want to be healthier.  healthier emotionally, mentally and physically.  it's a package deal.

i love myself.  quirks, oddness, goodness and all.  i just need to remind myself of that way more often.

progress

i have wanted to start another post this week so many times, but each time i sat down to write nothing would come out.  i guess it is part of the process, but it was frustrating to say the least.  nonetheless, i have working on progress this week.  sunday, after my purge post, i felt AMAZING.  i felt powerful and hopeful.  awesome combo, right.  monday, i had an appt with the counselor and it went well.  i was able to express things that i had written out and verbally speak them.  out loud.  scary and exhilarating at the same time.  i have several things i want to tackle for myself and i was reminded this is a process.  and one that will not take place overnight.  some days or weeks might be bad and others will be great.  there may be steps back while i make the steps forward, i just need to keep the eye on the prize....which is a healthier me.

things i have learned/worked on this week:

*one of my goals is to change how i speak to myself internally.  i am attempting to be more aware of what i say to myself and wow, that is #1 more difficult than i thought it would be and #2 when i said i was hard on myself, that was truth.  little shit that i make a mistake on or do in a manner that afterwards made more sense to do another way, i will call myself stupid or brainless.  i call myself a bad mom when something happens with the kids that i somehow say i caused it.  i do not feel sexy or beautiful which, of course, impacts intimacy with my partner and i tell myself i am unworthy of him or shouldn't matter because i cannot be with him more often.  and it's a fucking cycle.  i will hear myself do it and then i started beating myself up for doing it.  i finally said, enough.  and now i try to tell myself "stop it" when i hear the negative self talk start. 

*in the last year or so, i have become very uncomfortable with touch, especially in certain areas.  it sucks, but it is what it is.  however, since i have started this 'journey' it has ramped up.  the best that i can figure out is that it ties into how i feel about my body, but also what i have been storing in my gut emotion-wise.  i have also looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that i can no longer hide the pain, the emotions, and whatever else by eating and by staying fat.  i have told myself over and over that while i am not 100% happy with how i look, i am comfortable with myself.  what a lie.  what i weigh is a reflection of a protection mechanism i have created for myself.  i have told myself i am not worthy of taking care of myself or losing weight to be more healthy or to look & feel better about myself.  well, that shit has got to stop.  I am trying a new tactic of looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud that i am beautiful and i am worth it.  and i know i want to make changes.  i am done being the fat lady who likes to laugh.  i want to be the healthier me who loves to laugh.

*the counselor identified something for me that while i think i knew, i didn't really get it 100%.  i am a doer.  i like to do something to ease the stress or emotion of what i am feeling.  i was feeling a bit lost after facing what shit i was stuffing.  lost as in i didn't know what to do with the emotion or what to do next about it.  and one of the biggest things she said to me was, "there may not be anything to do."  which made me very uncomfortable, but when i really looked at it i saw she was right.  for years i have channeled emotions into tasks rather than dealing with them.  however, there are times it is a way for me to process and work through what i am feeling.  many times when i become emotionally upset, i bake or clean.  i look at it like my way of taking that "count to 10 and then respond" break someone who is angry needs to do.  it works to deflate me.  but i also need to remember that i do need to feel some of these things and there may not be a way for me to do something about it.  i have a feeling this one will take some time.

*i am working on being more accountable right now.  i have a tendency when overwhelmed to lost track of stuff or forget things.  there is more to this that i cannot go into at the moment, but there will be a time i will.  hopefully in the near future.

this is a transformation for me.  i know i will come out different in the end and that is okay.  i want to be a better me.  and i believe i can do it.

a post with no name

i have been thinking of this post for a week now.  and i just had nor made the time to post.  i think some of it was that i was not ready yet.  but it feels necessary at the moment so here goes.  this will be a long post, a painful post, but it is something i need to do.  i need to put this somewhere and this is my space.  i will be writing about things i have barely said out loud to anyone. ever.  and here i am throwing it out for the whole damn internet to see.

i recently started seeing a therapist to help me deal with some shit that has essentially bubbled up in 2012 and it was getting to the point where i knew i needed to work on resolving things or my life would be taking a serious turn for the worse.  i fully am aware that working on shit that is 36 (almost 37) years in the making is not going to be easy and this is a commitment for the long haul.  but two sessions in and it is way more fucking difficult to face some of this shit than i thought it would be.  turns out that i have been swinging my way to depression and i am much more closer to it than i thought i was.

last year was a year of change and those changes i felt at the time were good changes, which for the most part they were.  however, there are byproducts of those changes that i was not prepared for and it has compounded things.  i left the job that i thought i was going to do for years to come.  a job that was becoming very toxic for me and was harming my health (physically, mentally, and emotionally).  i enjoyed working with most of the clients i had, helping clients facilitate positive changes.  yes, some were not pleasant to work with and others were just a plain pain in the ass, but for the most part i felt like i was making a difference.  with changes that happened and the atmosphere changing, things became toxic there and i had the opportunity to resign and find something else.  a part time job that allows me time to work with the kids and make all of their appointments without missing too much work.  i have looked at it as a good change, even though it was a hard one to make.  what i have forced myself to really look at this last week is how i truly feel about that and it is way more ugly than i want or like.  i feel like i failed.  i went back to school and waited for that job.  and i gave it up.  i forced my family to adjust to a much less income on my part.  the positive is that i do have more time to focus on the kids.  but that's usually not how i tend to look at things.

i am sitting here and the tears are beginning to fall.  the sense of inadequacy is washing over me in waves.  and i am attempting to fight it.  but it is so fucking hard.

at the urging of the therapist, i watched a movie called The Shadow Effect this last week.  and it struck a chord for me.  there is a scene that literally made me freeze and have a choking sensation....a young girl is at a mirror looking at herself with a sweatshirt on.  and she begins to put on another sweatshirt and another and yet another.  each sweatshirt has a word on it and each one represents a mask that she is layering on.  boy, oh boy.  if i fully admit it, that is me.  i have discussed this with J before and talked about the mask of being "happy."  no one can see the pain, no one can see the hurt, no one can seen the joy either ultimately.  the joy has been stifled.  the negativity is weighing me down, it is crushing me.  talking with her and watching that film has encouraged me to really take a deep look at what the hell is going on inside me.  not just my head, not just my heart, but in my gut.  in the deep recesses where i let no one in.  barely even myself.  and what i find is that i believe that i am unworthy.  that i believe i am no one and i have made choices this last year that sabotages my relationships so those who care about me have an excuse to leave me.  it is a deflection of protection because i do not think i am worthy of that person's care or love.  fuck.  that is incredibly painful to write.  but it is the truth.  where does this come from?  it is something i have always done, i can remember feeling guilt over things not in my control for years.  for my entire memory.  i shoulder blame on things that are not my fault.  i feel ashamed of mistakes that i made 15-20 years ago, things that are on no one's radar anymore and are very minute, but i feel horrible about it yet today.  it is a crushing feeling i live with.  and it has crowded out the ability to feel joy on  regular basis, to feel things other than negativity and pain and anger and sadness.  i have to work hard to feel happy.  and that is really sucky thing.  but it what it is.

there is that phrase.  for most of my life, i have told myself that.  it is what it is.  but i have not allowed myself to truly live by that.  this is my discovery this week.  for the last year, i have started to feel anger over things in my childhood.  it sounds ridiculous, but please understand that i have never allowed myself to feel anger, bitterness, or sadness over it.  i have always told myself it is what it is and i cannot change it, so i have to make the best of it.  and by not allowing myself to truly feel whatever i need to about things that happened, i have kind of fucked myself up.  at least that is how i feel.  *gosh, this is the really hard part to write....the crushing panic in my belly is overwhelming.  but i need to get it out.  i must.*  for most people that know me, they know that i was a child of a teenage, unwed mother.  that we struggled for many of the early years.  for those that really know me, they know that i had to grow up at a very early age.  for those that don't know, let me paint the picture.  i am the product of an unwed teenage mom.  and in my early years, we lived with either of my grandparents or moved around a lot.  by the time i was 18, i think we had lived in approximately 18-20 different places.  i attended the same grade school during that time, but that was really the only true stability i had.  my mom never neglected me in the true sense of neglect.  but if i am to truly look at things and accept how i feel, there are times in my childhood that could screw with my sense of who i am.  i knew little about my sperm donor (whom i have mentioned before) growing up.  i was told  a few tidbits here and there, but there were not so great bits of information.  he's a drug abuser and had been in and out of jail.  he came to see me in the hospital after i was born, but that was it.  i was told his name when i was about age 10.  and a few years later, i was told he may have taken advantage of her.  years later, i was told that when things went to court for paternity, he had his friends testify that they all has sex with her too.  and years later, it was sexual assault.   for court, the decision was made by my family to not take things further.  this literally is the gist of what i know.  even as i close into age 37.  i know so very little.  and apparently it has affected me more than i could have ever dreamed of.  that fucker didn't want to have anything to do with me  my biological grandparents didn't want me.  my grandparents & teenage mother chose not to fight for me in court.  (while that certainly may have worked in my favor as i grew up, no visitation, etc, it still fucking hurts).  i was also told that i may have half siblings in the area of his.  i have this other biological piece of me that wanted nothing to do with me.  awesome.  i have always said it doesn't matter and i was better off without him.  but it does matter.  it matters to a little girl who had to grow up being a single parent child in classes of children who have moms & dads.  it matters that there wasn't another set of grandparents to kiss my boo-boo's or see me graduate high school and then college.  it fucking matters to me that they didn't want me.  and it hurts.  terribly.  and i have never expressed that before, to anyone.  i have barely allowed myself to acknowledge it in the deepest part of my soul.

i grew up as my mom grew up.  she was 16 years old when she had me.  a child herself.  and while i cannot hate her for the choices she made, i do finally feel anger over some of them.  those very close to me know that i held her hair while she puked from being drunk, went in the car the next morning searching for her glasses along side the road where she was sick the night before.  was with my grandma often so she could go out.  spent nights at her girlfriend's parents with her girlfriend's daughter while they went and partied.  for the very first years of my life, she had a boyfriend.  and in looking back, he was abusive.  he cheated on her.  but he was the first father figure in my life.  and one night while she was working, he touched me.  and i told her a bit later and she did nothing.  she brushed it away.  and i have always told myself it could have been worse and it was what it was.  but if this year it has bubbled up into one of those things that make me angry.  i don't view myself as a victim, but i am angry that when i was "hurt" she did nothing.  i accept that she may not have known what to do or was too scared, but i am allowing myself to feel beyond pissed about the situation.  that i have had to take care of her growing up.  remembering the time she had surgery when i was in 5/6th grade and i had to be the primary nursemaid, there was an ant colony that invaded our shit-hole apartment and i had to take care of it by myself.  that there were times she would have a male friend over and i would have to go to my room while she was with him.  or the time the guy wouldn't come over so we hopped in the car to pick him up from the bar.  that shit wasn't right.  and i am finally allowing myself to feel all of the feelings from my childhood.  that little girl who was scared and stability was sometimes an issue.  the woman i am today who struggles with control.  because when i am not in control i feel anxious.  but then i realize i'm not really in control anyway and i feel like i am about to lose everything.  and then i feel in my heart that i should lose everything because i'm not worth it.  i am unlovable.

i struggled greatly with perfectionism in high school.  i was very close to developing an eating disorder in my senior year.  i said that i let go of the perfectionist idea, but what i truly did was move it to a different avenue.  i became better at beating myself up privately.  i became a master at the masks. i have put on weight as a protection mechanism and while i have tried to become healthier over the years, i have not been successful because i don't believe i am worth it nor that i can actually do it.  i have sabotaged myself and made excuses.  and i have been afraid of taking a real hard look at why i gained it and why i don't want to lose it.  i have made my persona the 'plump chic who likes to laugh and make jokes" because it is easier to deal with others and what's inside.  laughter is used as a deflection tool for me sometimes.  i do not allow people to get close to me.  even my partner, who i pledged to spend my life with.  i drive him away sometimes, and at the time i am doing it, i am hating myself even more.  i have very few *close* friends.  it is easier for me that way.  while i am more of an introvert and recharge with time by myself, i also know that when i am feeling poorly emotionally, i shut myself down from many outside activities, especially if they are group activities.   even though in the days leading up to it, i want to participate...when the day comes, i just can't.  lately, it's because someone might see through the mask.  emotionally, things are bubbling at the surface for me and if sometime asks me how things are going, i cannot promise that i won't be able to turn on the happy face and say "things are great."  when it comes down to it, that's what people want to hear.  they don't want to hear that one is suffering or frustrated or whatever right now.

i sit here now with no tears, no snot streaming out of my nose, and the feeling of "oh shit, what are you doing" is gone from my gut.  i feel amazing that i wrote this.  that i expressed it.  and this is just the beginning.  i have a shit ton of work ahead of me, but i think i can do it.  i have to, there is no other option as i cannot keep functioning the way i was.

this is the end of the post with no name for now.  but i will be writing more as i make my way through the metamorphosis.  please be kind, please do not take what i have shared and misuse it.  please know that i am not, and have not been, suicidal.  i have kidlets i have to care for and simply cannot imagine leaving them behind.  should things become an issue, i will make the blog private and i don't want to do that.

as i covered with my therapist the first week, there appears to be a great deal many issues i need to work through:  childhood, pregnancy issues, trust & control issues, parenting issues, relationship issues, and whatever else comes bubbling up.  i wrote this post to express myself in what i consider my space and to work on opening up to others.  i am who i am, take it or leave it.  but i really don't want people to leave it.  i already have abandonment issues apparently, let's not add more.  :)   (see, there i go with the jokes cuz this is uncomfortable)

i am going to end each of these with a positive about myself.  and here is tonight's:  while i do not share my heart easily, i am a person with a big heart who is compassionate about those in need, whatever the need may be.