May 2015 Preeclampsia Awareness Month

It's that time of year again.  The time in which I roll out the red carpet for preeclampsia awareness.  In reality, I do that all year long; however there is always a highlight that happens in May.  May is designated as Preeclampsia Awareness Month (#PreAM) and also happens to be the month in both my preeclampsia babies were born.

Quick recap....
Baby 1 - HELLP Syndrome (class I) at 34w5d; Ariana is born weighing 4lbs and spends 18 days in the hospital.
Baby 2 - Gestational hypertension at 32 weeks, induced at 37 weeks with a preeclampsia diagnosis. My BP upon check-in that morning was 200/100. Phoenix was born weighing 5lb6oz and got to come home with us two days later.

I've been involved with the Preeclampsia Foundation since late 2003 and volunteering for over 10 years now.  In that time, I've had the honor and priviledge of meeting some incredible individuals who make a difference each day in the lives of moms & babies and individuals who have lost their loved ones (sometimes a baby, sometimes a mom, sometimes babies, sometimes mom & baby).

So, don't know what I'm talking about?  You didn't know moms could get really sick during pregnancy?  Need to know more?  Be sure to check out www.preeclampsia.org.

Do it.  Right now.  You can come back here later and visit.

struggles

i have this friend and she's struggling right now.  she's an "internet" friend, one of my preeclampsia sisters.  she has recently shared her experience with depression on her blog and let's just say her writing hit me at my core.  i have had my bouts with depression and this year have been flitting the line.  i am so damn proud of Jenny for having the balls to share publicly as well as take steps for her own safety.  i love ya, my dear.

for a period of time i was on an anti-depressant and ultimately it saved me from a possible severe post-partum depression when the experience that was Ari's birth occurred.  i had first starting feeling down in 2000/2001 after i had my breast reduction.  one of the best things i had ever done for myelf, however i struggled as my identity as the "girl with the big boobs" was gone.  i had normal boobs and didn't know what to make of it.  it took me a while to figure out that the image of myself had shifted and i was uncomfortable with it.  fast forward several months to a work holiday party at which i got the most intoxicated i had ever been.  i have no memory of much of the evening.  the week after, i could barely get out of bed.  within the week, i knew something was wrong but i just couldn't make myself DO anything about it.  it was the urging of my boss that pushed me to call for help.  i must have sounded severely depressed on the phone as the receptionist was worried i wouldn't be okay over the holidays until my appointment.  i assured her i wasn't suicidal, just bone fucking depressed.  after i started meeting with the psychiatrist and the psychologist, i learned what alcohol does to your brain and how it can affect someone already depressed.  with the amount of alcohol i had that evening, my brain went into depression overload.  i worked through some issues at that time and just about the time we decided to have me wean off the meds, i mentioned we wanted to get pregnant.  we made the decision to stay on to help me stay even keel throughout the pregnancy.  while i know this was a lifesaver for me, later on it would be one of many things i would try to use to explain or blame the HELLP on.  which didn't help, duh.  eventually i went off and remained off meds for several years.

about two years ago, i went breifly back onto the same anti-depressant as i dealt with kid issues.  i was feeling anxious and the doc thought it would be a good idea.  i didn't stay on them long.  i currently have a prescription for those same meds that my doc suggested i take again as i work through the crap i'm working through this year.  just to help me through it and to ensure i don't nosedive.  i hate them.  i hate that even though i know it's good for me and meant to help, i feel weak taking them.  that i'm back to being fucking crazy and that i just can't get my shit together.  and so i haven't been taking them.  but after hearing about how Jenny is doing, i intend to start back on them.  i am scared shitless that i will tank again and i just can't. 

this is coupled with an awareness i came into this year about alcohol and me.  i have never been a big drinker, especially after seeing what it can do and having to help my mom on her "good times."  i have a drink or two each week, but they are quite weak and i don't like the feeling of losing control so i don't consume more than 1-2 drinks at a time.  i have been thinking on this lately as i have developed a fear of drinking too much or too often.  and i realized it is because i think i could very easily become an alcoholic.  the send of deadening my feelings, things i am working to feel after not allowing myself to feel for years, things that fucking hurt my heart/mind/soul.  i am fearful of wanting to drink more.  i had a discussion with a friend recently who shared that is why she doesn't drink much, if at all, anymore.  the allure of not feeling is too strong.  i shared this with J this weekend and he appreciated my honesty about it with him.  i knew it was important for me to discuss with him in the event i do cross a line, but i've kept myself in check for several years now so that i hold dear.

i am focusing on strength now rather than weakness.  i read a quote that said something about how on rough days when one cannot think they can make it through one more thing, to remember that one's success rate for making it through the tough times is 100% and that's pretty awesome.  i loved it and it really motivated me to change my perspective on a few things.  i went back and forth about whether to write this post, but decided being truthful and authentic meant i should. 

Promise Walk 2013

For the fourth time, I am playing host to a Promise Walk for Preeclampsia in my city.  As a two-time preeclampsia survivor, I cannot imagine not being involved.  I am coming up on the 10 year mark of my HELLP Syndrome experience and 7 years on my subsequent pregnancy with pregnancy.  And at the end of the year, it will be 10 years since I found the Preeclampsia Foundation.  Without the organization and the women I have met, I fear how things could have gone for me.  The ladies offered support and encouragement when I needed it most.  They were there for me when I was scared during pregnancy #2.  I have been volunteering in various capacities for about 9 years.  I have met some incredible individuals and had the privilege in other women's joys & heartbreaks.  Been inspired and had the opportunity to be involved in some powerful events over the years.  The ashes of what was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life have led me to awesome things in my life.  And for that I am thankful.

when does it end

i've written this post before.  however, the issue has come up again and after discussing it with the counselor, she asked that i take a look at it and ask for input from my fellow PE sisters.

i am a fan of Downtown Abbey and this weeks episode had a preeclampsia storyline.  i knew this going in, but did not know what the true story would be.  i did not know that i would be left breathless as i watched lady sybil pass away from eclampsia.  i did not know the feeling of helplessness would crush my soul as i watched tom beg his wife to breath and stay with him.  i sobbed silently all while wanting to scream at the tv.

for the most part, i believe i have healed from my experience, however there are times when a flashback hits and i can recall details such as the light shining through the window, the beep of the machines, the squeeze of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes, the red in my urine bag and how fucking scared i was all while i felt removed from the situation.  i was present but not.  the mag was coursing through my veins and i am sure that helped the feeling of detachment in addition to the HELLP Syndrome that was starting cause a major decline in my body function.

usually as i gear up for walk season, i can get a bit emotional.  however, since i am a doer it helps to manage those feelings by walk planning.  yet on walk day, when i bear witness to the other sisters and families sharing their stories, it comes back.  i drive by the birthing center on a regular basis and 10 years later, it can shoot me back to those days.  i have been to the birthing center twice since P was born.  while things turned out well for him, i still had preeclampsia and with the abruption scare, it just added to the emotional trauma.  (i feel uncomfortable calling it trauma, but i need to call it what it is.)  the last time i went to the hospital was i think 5 years ago.  and i had what i guess i could call a panic attack just sitting in the parking lot prior to going in.  the pressure in my chest squeezing as i rode the elevator up to the 2nd floor.  and my footsteps feeling like wading through lead as i walked to her room.  it was a short visit.  i cried the entire ride home.  and i am uncomfortable even thinking about going back in.

i know several of my PE sisters have similar reactions.  but my question is, when does this end?  does it get better?  will the volunteering i do to ease the pain and efforts to help other avoid this condition make it hurt less eventually.  i know that i have cannot stop giving and doing for the foundation.  it is simply not an option, not when other families are experiencing the heartache of losing mothers and/or babies to preeclampsia.  knowing that i was one of the lucky ones, i feel it is my duty to serve in the fight against preeclampsia.  i just wish the feelings that sneak up would lessen.  and i don't know if that is possible.

a post with no name

i have been thinking of this post for a week now.  and i just had nor made the time to post.  i think some of it was that i was not ready yet.  but it feels necessary at the moment so here goes.  this will be a long post, a painful post, but it is something i need to do.  i need to put this somewhere and this is my space.  i will be writing about things i have barely said out loud to anyone. ever.  and here i am throwing it out for the whole damn internet to see.

i recently started seeing a therapist to help me deal with some shit that has essentially bubbled up in 2012 and it was getting to the point where i knew i needed to work on resolving things or my life would be taking a serious turn for the worse.  i fully am aware that working on shit that is 36 (almost 37) years in the making is not going to be easy and this is a commitment for the long haul.  but two sessions in and it is way more fucking difficult to face some of this shit than i thought it would be.  turns out that i have been swinging my way to depression and i am much more closer to it than i thought i was.

last year was a year of change and those changes i felt at the time were good changes, which for the most part they were.  however, there are byproducts of those changes that i was not prepared for and it has compounded things.  i left the job that i thought i was going to do for years to come.  a job that was becoming very toxic for me and was harming my health (physically, mentally, and emotionally).  i enjoyed working with most of the clients i had, helping clients facilitate positive changes.  yes, some were not pleasant to work with and others were just a plain pain in the ass, but for the most part i felt like i was making a difference.  with changes that happened and the atmosphere changing, things became toxic there and i had the opportunity to resign and find something else.  a part time job that allows me time to work with the kids and make all of their appointments without missing too much work.  i have looked at it as a good change, even though it was a hard one to make.  what i have forced myself to really look at this last week is how i truly feel about that and it is way more ugly than i want or like.  i feel like i failed.  i went back to school and waited for that job.  and i gave it up.  i forced my family to adjust to a much less income on my part.  the positive is that i do have more time to focus on the kids.  but that's usually not how i tend to look at things.

i am sitting here and the tears are beginning to fall.  the sense of inadequacy is washing over me in waves.  and i am attempting to fight it.  but it is so fucking hard.

at the urging of the therapist, i watched a movie called The Shadow Effect this last week.  and it struck a chord for me.  there is a scene that literally made me freeze and have a choking sensation....a young girl is at a mirror looking at herself with a sweatshirt on.  and she begins to put on another sweatshirt and another and yet another.  each sweatshirt has a word on it and each one represents a mask that she is layering on.  boy, oh boy.  if i fully admit it, that is me.  i have discussed this with J before and talked about the mask of being "happy."  no one can see the pain, no one can see the hurt, no one can seen the joy either ultimately.  the joy has been stifled.  the negativity is weighing me down, it is crushing me.  talking with her and watching that film has encouraged me to really take a deep look at what the hell is going on inside me.  not just my head, not just my heart, but in my gut.  in the deep recesses where i let no one in.  barely even myself.  and what i find is that i believe that i am unworthy.  that i believe i am no one and i have made choices this last year that sabotages my relationships so those who care about me have an excuse to leave me.  it is a deflection of protection because i do not think i am worthy of that person's care or love.  fuck.  that is incredibly painful to write.  but it is the truth.  where does this come from?  it is something i have always done, i can remember feeling guilt over things not in my control for years.  for my entire memory.  i shoulder blame on things that are not my fault.  i feel ashamed of mistakes that i made 15-20 years ago, things that are on no one's radar anymore and are very minute, but i feel horrible about it yet today.  it is a crushing feeling i live with.  and it has crowded out the ability to feel joy on  regular basis, to feel things other than negativity and pain and anger and sadness.  i have to work hard to feel happy.  and that is really sucky thing.  but it what it is.

there is that phrase.  for most of my life, i have told myself that.  it is what it is.  but i have not allowed myself to truly live by that.  this is my discovery this week.  for the last year, i have started to feel anger over things in my childhood.  it sounds ridiculous, but please understand that i have never allowed myself to feel anger, bitterness, or sadness over it.  i have always told myself it is what it is and i cannot change it, so i have to make the best of it.  and by not allowing myself to truly feel whatever i need to about things that happened, i have kind of fucked myself up.  at least that is how i feel.  *gosh, this is the really hard part to write....the crushing panic in my belly is overwhelming.  but i need to get it out.  i must.*  for most people that know me, they know that i was a child of a teenage, unwed mother.  that we struggled for many of the early years.  for those that really know me, they know that i had to grow up at a very early age.  for those that don't know, let me paint the picture.  i am the product of an unwed teenage mom.  and in my early years, we lived with either of my grandparents or moved around a lot.  by the time i was 18, i think we had lived in approximately 18-20 different places.  i attended the same grade school during that time, but that was really the only true stability i had.  my mom never neglected me in the true sense of neglect.  but if i am to truly look at things and accept how i feel, there are times in my childhood that could screw with my sense of who i am.  i knew little about my sperm donor (whom i have mentioned before) growing up.  i was told  a few tidbits here and there, but there were not so great bits of information.  he's a drug abuser and had been in and out of jail.  he came to see me in the hospital after i was born, but that was it.  i was told his name when i was about age 10.  and a few years later, i was told he may have taken advantage of her.  years later, i was told that when things went to court for paternity, he had his friends testify that they all has sex with her too.  and years later, it was sexual assault.   for court, the decision was made by my family to not take things further.  this literally is the gist of what i know.  even as i close into age 37.  i know so very little.  and apparently it has affected me more than i could have ever dreamed of.  that fucker didn't want to have anything to do with me  my biological grandparents didn't want me.  my grandparents & teenage mother chose not to fight for me in court.  (while that certainly may have worked in my favor as i grew up, no visitation, etc, it still fucking hurts).  i was also told that i may have half siblings in the area of his.  i have this other biological piece of me that wanted nothing to do with me.  awesome.  i have always said it doesn't matter and i was better off without him.  but it does matter.  it matters to a little girl who had to grow up being a single parent child in classes of children who have moms & dads.  it matters that there wasn't another set of grandparents to kiss my boo-boo's or see me graduate high school and then college.  it fucking matters to me that they didn't want me.  and it hurts.  terribly.  and i have never expressed that before, to anyone.  i have barely allowed myself to acknowledge it in the deepest part of my soul.

i grew up as my mom grew up.  she was 16 years old when she had me.  a child herself.  and while i cannot hate her for the choices she made, i do finally feel anger over some of them.  those very close to me know that i held her hair while she puked from being drunk, went in the car the next morning searching for her glasses along side the road where she was sick the night before.  was with my grandma often so she could go out.  spent nights at her girlfriend's parents with her girlfriend's daughter while they went and partied.  for the very first years of my life, she had a boyfriend.  and in looking back, he was abusive.  he cheated on her.  but he was the first father figure in my life.  and one night while she was working, he touched me.  and i told her a bit later and she did nothing.  she brushed it away.  and i have always told myself it could have been worse and it was what it was.  but if this year it has bubbled up into one of those things that make me angry.  i don't view myself as a victim, but i am angry that when i was "hurt" she did nothing.  i accept that she may not have known what to do or was too scared, but i am allowing myself to feel beyond pissed about the situation.  that i have had to take care of her growing up.  remembering the time she had surgery when i was in 5/6th grade and i had to be the primary nursemaid, there was an ant colony that invaded our shit-hole apartment and i had to take care of it by myself.  that there were times she would have a male friend over and i would have to go to my room while she was with him.  or the time the guy wouldn't come over so we hopped in the car to pick him up from the bar.  that shit wasn't right.  and i am finally allowing myself to feel all of the feelings from my childhood.  that little girl who was scared and stability was sometimes an issue.  the woman i am today who struggles with control.  because when i am not in control i feel anxious.  but then i realize i'm not really in control anyway and i feel like i am about to lose everything.  and then i feel in my heart that i should lose everything because i'm not worth it.  i am unlovable.

i struggled greatly with perfectionism in high school.  i was very close to developing an eating disorder in my senior year.  i said that i let go of the perfectionist idea, but what i truly did was move it to a different avenue.  i became better at beating myself up privately.  i became a master at the masks. i have put on weight as a protection mechanism and while i have tried to become healthier over the years, i have not been successful because i don't believe i am worth it nor that i can actually do it.  i have sabotaged myself and made excuses.  and i have been afraid of taking a real hard look at why i gained it and why i don't want to lose it.  i have made my persona the 'plump chic who likes to laugh and make jokes" because it is easier to deal with others and what's inside.  laughter is used as a deflection tool for me sometimes.  i do not allow people to get close to me.  even my partner, who i pledged to spend my life with.  i drive him away sometimes, and at the time i am doing it, i am hating myself even more.  i have very few *close* friends.  it is easier for me that way.  while i am more of an introvert and recharge with time by myself, i also know that when i am feeling poorly emotionally, i shut myself down from many outside activities, especially if they are group activities.   even though in the days leading up to it, i want to participate...when the day comes, i just can't.  lately, it's because someone might see through the mask.  emotionally, things are bubbling at the surface for me and if sometime asks me how things are going, i cannot promise that i won't be able to turn on the happy face and say "things are great."  when it comes down to it, that's what people want to hear.  they don't want to hear that one is suffering or frustrated or whatever right now.

i sit here now with no tears, no snot streaming out of my nose, and the feeling of "oh shit, what are you doing" is gone from my gut.  i feel amazing that i wrote this.  that i expressed it.  and this is just the beginning.  i have a shit ton of work ahead of me, but i think i can do it.  i have to, there is no other option as i cannot keep functioning the way i was.

this is the end of the post with no name for now.  but i will be writing more as i make my way through the metamorphosis.  please be kind, please do not take what i have shared and misuse it.  please know that i am not, and have not been, suicidal.  i have kidlets i have to care for and simply cannot imagine leaving them behind.  should things become an issue, i will make the blog private and i don't want to do that.

as i covered with my therapist the first week, there appears to be a great deal many issues i need to work through:  childhood, pregnancy issues, trust & control issues, parenting issues, relationship issues, and whatever else comes bubbling up.  i wrote this post to express myself in what i consider my space and to work on opening up to others.  i am who i am, take it or leave it.  but i really don't want people to leave it.  i already have abandonment issues apparently, let's not add more.  :)   (see, there i go with the jokes cuz this is uncomfortable)

i am going to end each of these with a positive about myself.  and here is tonight's:  while i do not share my heart easily, i am a person with a big heart who is compassionate about those in need, whatever the need may be.

a load of thankfulness

soooo, here goes a truck load of thankfulness.  be patient with me.  and read them all, i may sneak a gut-buster in there.  #you never know.


7 - i am really freakin' thankful for my iPhone.  completely rubbish thing to be thankful for, but i just love it.  so very much. 

8 - i unplugged from technology (besides our dvd & tv) for more hours than i expected to this last week.  it was full of awesomeness.  and i didn't miss it. 

9 - tonight i am very thankful for my large hospital mug i got when the boy child was in the hospital in jan.  it holds a fantastic amount of liquids.  could be a mixed drink or could be water, either way i can suck on that baby for a long time.  (did you laugh at that one?)

10 - i am extremely thankful that i am not ill.  my husband, on the other hand, is.  and somehow it is just as painful for me.

11 - we had a very bountiful thanksgiving meal and for that i am thankful.  thankful we could provide that for our family.  thanksgiving has not been a huge deal in my family, but we've carved (ha ha!) out our own little tradition in the last few years.

12 - i am incredibly thankful for friends who can make me laugh.  you know who you are.  the lightheartedness means more to me than you can ever know.

13 - the hubster, even though he is waaaayy annoying today with his illness, i am thankful for him.  we have weathered some really big storms and i know life is not easy with me, thanks for working with me to make this crazy life of ours work the best way for us.  i am not perfect and i make mistakes, but you have stuck by me and i appreciate that.

14 - i adore the movies.  and having gone to the movies twice within one week is spectacular!  the upcoming months will prove to be just as delightful with many movies on my "want-to-see" list.  nothing like the big screen.

15 - tampons are awesome.  i want to give thanks that pads are not part of my monthly attire.  (sorry, guys)  (ladies, you know what i am talking about)

16 - we are heading out on vacation this next week and i am very thankful about many a things about that vacay.  16A:  my dad's delta points getting us airfare  16B:  people watching at Disney, there's simply nothing better   16C:  the holidays at Disney, extra magical    16D:  no work for the week!

17 - my cousin and her partner are having a shindig next fall.  and they asked me to be a part of it.  how freakin' awesome, and i am so thankful for the both of them.  i have always supported marriage equality, however having those two in my life has allowed myself to grow with my support for equality.  i am thankful nikki has found the one and vice versa.  they make each other better people and are just plain fun to be around.

18 - my mom came across my grandfather's wedding band and she gave it to me last week.  while my grandparents divorced shortly after i was born and i do not recall them being together, i am very appreciative of the token.  something to keep on my person, if i wish, that is tangible.  he's been gone for 18 years. 

19 - i have chosen to look at my preeclampsia experience with gratitude.  i have met some amazing individuals as a result of my involvement with the PF and have been involved in some AWEsome things as a result.  i am able to appreciate my life and my children in a way I could never have dreamed of before.

20 - i am weird.  and i like it.  i never imagined being thankful for not usually being the odd person out, but in the last few years (in particular this year) i have embraced this and myself.  if you do not like it or accept me for who i am, that is your issue not mine.  i am a geek who loves star wars and lotr, a nerd who loves to read.  and acceptance is a beautiful thing.

21 - choices, i am so very thankful for choices.  we have the ability to make choices about our lives.  choices that lead us into a different direction, choices that may be the most difficult we ever make, choices on simple things.  not everyone may support those choices, but they are ours to make and ours alone. 

alright, i think that is it for tonight.  my attention span is beginning to wane.

2012 Promise Walk

Our family will be participating in the Neenah Promise Walk this year and have decided to do so with a pirate theme!  Should be fun!

8 Years

Eight years ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed not fully comprehending what was happening to me.  I knew I was having a baby, but no clue as to how sick I was getting throughout the day.  Our four pound guppy was born just after 3pm and I barely got to see her before she was whisked off.  I spent that night recovering and finally got down to see her the next morning where I held her for the first time.  Eight years.  I can recall moments of that day precisely and  yet it seems so long ago.  We got off to a rocky start and quite frankly, life with that child has been an adventure ever since.

She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady.  One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga.  I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.

I love that little girl.  I sure do.

Promise Walk time

It's Promise Walk For Preeclampsia time again.  I am coordinating the walk in my hometown again this year and hope to be an even bigger success than the years prior.   Our goals are set a bit higher this year and what is really exciting for me is the fact that we have 5 teams registered already!  And all of them have fundraising goals set, which is really awesome.  Our team is reaching for another $1000 goal again this year.  I'm hopeful we can reach it, but also know finances are even more tough for many this year.  The awareness we share is vital and priceless.

I won't go on and on as if you are a regular here, you know our story and how passionate I am about preeclampsia awareness.  If you could spare a buck or two (or ten or twenty), please consider donating to our "Gang" again this year.  I sure would appreciate it.

National Prematurity Month

Eight years ago, I was preparing to finally leave the first trimester behind.  The yukkies were (hopefully) almost over.  I was a prepared preggo.  I read books, joined websites, and read all the materials my doctor gave me.  And yet, when the pain struck that day in May of 2003 I had no idea what was happening.  First, I was told it was my gall bladder and then the news came.  You will be having your baby this weekend.  What?  Um no.  We have Lamaze this weekend and she's not supposed to be here for another 5+ weeks. 

What happened then became a haze as I entered in the world of HELLP Syndrome.  Something I had no clue even existed.  Something that I have since learned takes the lives of women and children on a regular basis.  I developed severe preeclampsia just shy of 35 weeks and had to deliver my baby in order to save my own life in addition to hers.  That 4lb guppy is now seven years old and is very healthy physically.

Fast-forward three years and our son is born at 37 weeks (what my OB calls "not quite term-ish").  I had been battling gestational hypertension for about five weeks prior to D-day.  And that day, my OB told me it was a good day for me to deliver as things appeared to be heading south within my body.   He was born slightly early and while small at 5lbs 6oz, he did great and came home with us.

So many friends & family members have walked the road of prematurity.  It's a road I would not wish upon anyone.  No one dreams of having a baby in the NICU.  The dreams of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" birth go quickly out the door.  And the guilt that comes along the prematurity road is horrifying.  Asking yourself daily what you did to cause this.  Is the issue your child is having now related to their prematurity?  This is not a fun or easy path to walk.

But having a premature baby allows a gratefulness for life to enter your life that I'm not sure otherwise can be introduced.  You cherish the small things and are so damn proud of the accomplishments your child makes.  You know and have empathy for the road that others travel with difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, and issues with your child.

Please visit the March of Dimes to learn more about prematurity and how to help us fight it.

2010 Promise Walk - Wausau

I'm about two months behind, but finally sharing some highlights and photos from the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia that was in early June.  We about doubled the number of participants and met the goal of $3700 with fantastic support.  We had awesome raffle prizes and entertainment again.  I had more preeclampsia survivors than I anticipated, which while I'm not excited they had to experience it, I'm happy they joined us.

Here are some photo highlights...

 

The above photos were taken by my buddy Seth.  I have more taken by another friend and will have to add some of those later as they are on the other computer.

ETA:  a couple more photos....

Promise Walk for Preeclampsia

So, you may have noticed that lovely little box in the upper right corner of my blog?  No, well, here's the plug for it.  I will be hosting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia again this year and, as always, am asking for your support.  I'd love it if you all could attend, but I know that's not possible.  (But how cool would that be?)  It's looking like a great deal of fun and we've got some AWEsome raffle items for those that could make it.

Here is the short version about why this is important to me:  I developed severe preeclampsia (HELLP Syndrome) with my first pregnancy and delivered just over 5 weeks early.  Our little guppy Aweighed 4lbs and spent just over two weeks in the hospital.  Fast forward 3 years and P was born at 37 weeks after I managed gestational hypertension for 5 weeks, he weighed 5lbs 6oz and came home with us.  Here is a quick highlight of our family's moments.

You read here, you know that preeclampsia changed my life.  I've shared stories of families who were not as fortunate as us and who lost loved ones.  Many of my preeclampsia sisters are fellow bloggers and there is a bond there that is different from any other.  We each know what it's like to face down that ugly preeclampsia monster.

So in honor of my babies and all the other preeclampsia babies out there, including those angel babies, please consider donating today by visiting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia.  You can donate to our team or make a general donation.  Even $5 helps make a difference.

Love to you all,
Denise

So happy for them....

Niki and Josh are two very happy people right now. They are enjoying their new twin boys, Liam and Silas. Niki is a fellow preeclampsia mom, who lost her son Myles. Here's their story told by their local news station. Check out her blog too for some terrific photos and their experience.

Happy Babies Day!

Niki is a fellow preeclampsia mom who I met after she lost her son, Myles. Myles passed away on my birthday, so I am always thinking of him as that date approaches and I can't imagine not thinking of him ever. After their heartache, they have joy. Twin boys, born via surrogacy, yesterday. Happy Birthday Boys!!! You have some terrific parents and an angel brother watching over you.

A quick plea

I wanted to share something quick with my fellow preeclampsia moms, and those who just care about it cuz you know me or someone who had pre-e....

From the Preeclampsia Foundation executive director....

Please take a moment to help encourage the Discovery Channel and their TLC affiliate to recognize the Preeclampsia Foundation as the primary source of patient support and information for families like the Duggars. Up to 300,000 pregnant women suffer from hypertensive disorders of pregnancy each year, just in the United States.

This Sunday at 8/7 CT, TLC is airing a special edition of "19 Kids and Counting" that will focus on the Duggar family's 19th pregnancy which ended in the early delivery of 25-weeker Josie. Cause: preeclampsia. The Preeclampsia Foundation has tried to encourage TLC to provide the Preeclampsia Foundation's website as a source of credible information targeted to patients. And now they need your help.

Please send a quick email via this link http://extweb.discovery.com/viewerrelations and ask them to please include a valuable public information website -- www.preeclampsia.org -- in conjunction with the Duggar family special that is airing this weekend. The Preeclampsia Foundation is a non-profit organization and it's mission is to help all women get accurate information about this common disorder of pregnancy.

Survivor Guilt

I said it was coming. I didn't think it would be over a month later, but tonight just feels right.

Jason and I had the pleasure and privilege to attend Saving Grace: A Night of Hope, the Preeclampsia Foundation's annual fundraising gala, in Chicago on Oct 24th. It was, again, one of the most powerful, inspiring, encouraging, and heartbreaking events I've ever attended. We know that there are more than 6 million women who experience preeclampsia each year, worldwide. Approximately 76,000 of those women die from those complications. It also robs about 500,000 babies of their lives each year. With numbers like those, I have to wonder when will the world pay attention?

Research has shown that preeclampsia survivors have an elevated risk of cardiovascular disease, and recently there has been a connection to thyroid complications down that road as well. There are days when I question what else will be an issue for me in the coming years. I already have an increased risk of heart disease due to family history, and when you add in the additional risk from having preeclampsia, my young age of 33 seems to overwhelm me when I think of my grandfather having his first heart attack at age 36.

It's easy to put these thoughts out of my head at times, you know life gets in the way. Saving Grace put things back into play and it's been a common thought recently. I'm angry that I was one of the unlucky ones. Angry that what everyone thinks is something that goes away after delivery, may cause me issues years after my pregnancy.

However, I know that while I was one of the unlucky ones who preeclampsia decided to visit, I am so extremely lucky to be here. As are my children. I survived and so did they. The countless mom's who leave the hospital with empty and aching arms are not so lucky. The babies who will grow up without ever knowing their mother's touch or voice as she reads a story, because their mother died from this crazy thing called preeclampsia. It's those stories that I will not allow myself to forget.

Sitting at a table at Saving Grace, we viewed the slide show of families who suffered from preeclampsia. Some had wonderful outcomes, others lost too much. I had submitted our experiences and even though I knew it was coming, it still caught me off guard. There we were, a family of four. The photo made us look happy, and yes we were. But there was no way to tell through that photograph, if someone just randomly looked at it, that one could tell things were touch & go with our first pregnancy with HELLP Syndrome and that we were subject to careful and close monitoring of our second pregnancy that ended with an induction and a placental abruption scare during delivery. The happy faces on that photo are what got to me. To know that our lives have the happy ending and others do not.

It's not fair and it pains me to see how others have suffered their losses. I weep when I learn of a mother who does not have the opportunity to see her child grow up or when a mother loses her own life. I feel guilty when I learn of those losses and I make the silent acknowledgement to myself that I was one of the lucky ones. I vividly remember reading my son a bedtime story shortly after reading that a MN mom passed away from complications from HELLP Syndrome this fall. All I could think of, as I attempted to continue the story without falling apart, was how her son will feel as he grows up never knowing his mom. And it broke my heart. As I broke down later that evening, Jason told me that there was nothing I could do to fix it. I told him I was upset because it wasn't fair. Why did she die and I got to live? Why did I get to bring my babies home with me and be able to hold them in my arms? It's not fair and it just sucks to not be able to go anywhere with those thoughts.

A young man spoke at the event, a talented and bright young man. One who was born 13 weeks too soon because his mother developed preeclampsia. Due to his prematurity and the complications he suffered, he was diagnosed with cerebal palsy. His story was the tear jerker of the night. He stood there, proud to be alive and sharing his story, but also crying as he spoke of the hardships life has given his family. He represented all of the children that evening, who's lives have been touched by preeclmpsia. Watching him made me feel as if I were punched in the stomach, I had such a difficult time breathing as the fear of the "what if's" resurfaced. I know my children are here and are healthy, but the ever present what if's remain, hidden deep in the recesses of my mind.

Another family was honored for their service. What brought them to the organization was the loss of their daughter as she developed HELLP Syndrome while pregnant with their granddaughter. Shelly died in 2005 and those of us who have been involved with the organization for that long have had the opportunity to watch her daughter grow. She attended the event and was on stage while her grandfather held her. I am in awe of individuals who have suffered such loss and then use that experience to further awareness and the need for a cause & cure. All the while, being thankful that my story is different.

Survivor's guilt. Other survivors and I discussed it at Saving Grace. It's there. It's painful and then you feel even more guilty. It's tremendous, but I'm also thankful for it. It allows me to remember our experience, be grateful for our outcomes, and to serve as a tool to continue my efforts in volunteering my time with an organization who is dedicated to finding a cause and a cure for the disease that has been around since the time of Cleopatra.

This year's program was filled with the stories of those affected by preeclampsia. I do have a few extra copies if anyone would like one. To read the stories of these families is powerful. Each one unique, but each of us connected. These stories will hopefully allow others to become aware of the dangers of preeclampsia and inspire some to volunteer or to do research that may one day put an end to all of the unlucky experiences.

Mex Day for GiveMN.org

Today is Max Day for GiveMN.org. What that means is that every donation to the Preeclampsia Foundation will be matched, up $500,000. 100% of your donation goes to the organization thanks to the way GiveMN.org has their system set up.

Turn your $5 into $10 by visiting GiveMN Preeclampsia Foundation

$10 puts 10 brochures into the hands of pregnant women. You can help create awareness and make a difference.

Thank you!

Tears

This week I've shed too many tears. Tears for families who are without a loved one. Since the end of August, there have been 3 moms that I've read about who have lost their lives, or will lose their lives, due to complications from preeclampsia. Husbands left behind, children left behind. Parents unexpectedly trying to make sense of why their daughter is gone before them. A life ended too soon.

At a time when joy is supposed to happen, hell it's expected, these families are literally going through hell. Bri, a mom in MN, is being taken off life support today. After suffering HELLP Syndrome and having to have an emergency liver transplant to attempt to save her life, brain swelling will end her life. A mom died on Aug 30th after developing eclampsia with her pregnancy. And another mom who died that weekend was lost after preeclampsia led to complications. They all leave their children behind. Children who will grow up without their mother. It's not fair. It's not right.

This is why I continue to wage war on preeclampsia. Until know one had to shed a tear over a loss from this condition.

RIP ladies. You did not know me and the others who are thinking of you and your families, but you have touched us deeply.

2009 Wausau Preeclampsia Walk

The Preeclampsia Awareness Walk we hosted was a success! At least, in my book. My goal was to have 25-30 walkers and raise $1500. We had 40 registered walkers, with more kids that didn't pay to walk, and we raised over $2000!! You can still donate online if you wish at Wausau Walk.

We even made the news: WAOW

Thank you to those who sponsored the walk and to those who donated raffle items, they were a hit!! And a big shout out to the bellydancers!
Here are some highlights....

Walk is tomorrow

Our preeclampsia awareness walk is tomorrow!!!!