Thursday, November 29, 2007

What time is it?

The kids got up waaaayyy too early this morning. Ariana crawled her way into our bed around 5:30am and then proceeded to wiggle like a worm for the next 30 minutes. Then at 6am, Phoenix made his presence known.

Ugh, I remember the days of sleeping in, pre-kids, fondly.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sperm Donor

I do not know my biological father (aka, sperm donor). I have zero contact with him or his family. My mom became pregnant when she was a teen and let's just say that things did not go well with sperm donor. He's an ass. And not just because he didn't want anything to do with me. He was horrible to my mother, the things he said were awful. Could it have been simply teenage stupidity? Sure, but not something I can forgive.

Not having a father was never a big issue for me. It was just my reality. The first memory I have of feeling badly about it was at a summer thing for dairy month at the library and I was with my cousins. The newspaper had taken our photo and was getting our parents names. When they asked for mine, I said my mom's name. And when they asked for my dad's name, one of my cousins replied that I didn't have a dad. I can still remember that moment clearly. I can remember how the sun was filtering through the trees and the sweet taste of ice cream on my lips from moments before. I remember the odd feeling I had as I contemplated me not having a dad.

I admit I didn't have a life shattering reaction and really haven't at all in my almost 32 years. But a seed was planted. A leaf of doubt would pop out over the years, but I still have nowhere near a full-fledged plant even today. I won't give him the credit. I learned his first name eventually, and that he wasn't a real good person. I knew my life would have been completely different if he would have been involved in my life. Upon meeting my husband, we discovered that sperm donor's mother babysat for my husband when he was a small child as they lived across the street from them. What a small fucking world, huh?

I don't know if I've been in denial of the sense of loss or what. I've never really gotten pissed-off angry about it either. How do I know if I'm denying those feelings or I just don't care?

In the long run, I have a wonderful dad (step-dad) who has been simply wonderful to my mother and I. He is my true dad in every sense of the word. He cares about me in a way that I've never been graced with. (And if it says anything at all, I'm crying now that I write about him, not sperm donor). He was there to support me with whatever I did, is proud of my accomplishments, etc. One of my best memories is being in high school and having a boyfriend break up with me. I was heartbroken and wanted to go over to my girlfriends house. He wouldn't let me drive myself, so he drove me over and picked me up. All while listening to me attempting not to cry. I love my dad. I remember the love I felt as he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. The pride he had when he held his grandchildren for the first time. That man is a godsend to my mother and I.

I can't imagine sperm donor ever being like that. What kind of person just passes on his child? It's disconcerting to know that I have this other biological family residing in the same town. A few years back I was contemplating contacting them as I felt as I needed some medical history from them, but I chose not to go there. I wonder if they saw my engagement and wedding announcement, my children's birth announcements. Do they ever think about me?

I believe I've just accepted that sperm donor is an asshole and have chosen to move on with my life. But I still occasionally wonder, I can't help it.

Four Months

Time stood still for a moment today.

Self Journey

Lately, I've been posting more "fluff" items and not really any deep issues. There's a reason for it, but it's one that I won't be going into anytime soon. But what I am going to aim to do is to work on my self journey. There are things in my life that I need to deal with / flesh out / accept / etc.

I'm a pretty fairly open person with many things (obviously, I have this blog), but when it comes right down to my inner self I don't share that. I have an extremely difficult time expressing my truest emotions and always have. To open up and share deep feelings is so painful for me. Painful is a way that I cannot find words to express. It's not painful in the sense that I have a lot of painful things that have happened, but it's painful to just plain open up. I hide a great deal of my emotions and am one of those "stuff the emotions" people. And I hate it. It's not particularly helpful, good for myself, or beneficial. It drives my husband crazy. He is one person I know I can count on to never judge me or criticize me for my feelings, but it's still amazingly difficult to share even with him.

It's something I want to work on. I don't like feeling this way and so I must tread forward.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Two Things Survey

Got one of these surveys today and thought I'd post it here.

Two Names You go by:
1. Denise
2. Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Old Navy Jeans
2. charcoal grey scarf knitted by my grandma

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. reliability
2. equality

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Play on the computer
2. Read books

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. To lose about 25 lbs.
2. To go someplace warm

Two pets you had/have:
1. AJ the fish
2. Tasha (RIP)

Two things you did last night:
1. Caught up on last two weeks of Grey's episodes
2. talked my husband to sleep ;)

Two things you ate today:
1. DiGornio Garlic Bread Pepperoni Pizza (Yum)
2. Mallow Cup

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Jason
2. client (I'm at work)

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Folding laundry, specifically towels

Two longest car rides:
1. 1992, Florida trip
2. 1998 Colorado Springs trip

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Halloween
2. Christmas

Favorite beverages
1. Fanta Orange
2. Crown Royale & Coke

People no longer alive who you'd like to talk to:
1. My grandfather
2. PT

Riding the Bus

Well, she's off and riding. Ariana talked all morning about riding the bus today, and kept asking me if it was time for the bus to be at our home yet. I was so proud of her, she got right on. No issues whatsoever. I was nervous as last week, we hopped on the bus at school to show her the inside and she pulled the shy act on me. Today, she was full of confidence and excitement to see her friends. She didn't even want to say goodbye or give me a kiss, "Mom, I need to get to school." As the bus pulled away and I turned to walk back to the house, I couldn't help but tear up a little. My sweet baby girl is growing up.

Yes, this is my child

Beautiful drawing by Ariana, isn't it. She says it's a picture of herself. See those lines coming down by her legs? That's her pee and poop.

Lovely. Apparently the 4 year old mind is obsessed with body functions. Thankfully I know other 4 year olds who are as well. I don't feel so bad then.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Girlie, yet Not

So, while my daughter may love to wear dresses and play Princess dress-up, she is a tom-boy. There she is this morning playing dinosaurs and the dino family is having to escape an earthquake. Then a tornado came and wrecked what was left of the dino family's house. It's quite amusing to listen to her and see what's in that imagination of hers.

Black Friday

Let me say that I have never gotten up early to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I think all those people are nuts!

I stopped by Best Buy on Wednesday afternoon and the first two people were settling in line for Friday's opening. Um, really? I couldn't resist, I had to drive by at 9pm Thursday to see how many more were in line. They were lined up back to Dunham's, waiting in 18 degree chill. Is it worth it? I suppose it's more of a camraderie type of activity too.

I worked my first Black Friday in retail last night. Ugh, what a mess. Why can't people make an attempt at hanging things back on the hanger or even just putting the shirt you just tried on the right side out?

Cards for Soldiers

Let's Say Thanks is running again this holiday season. Xerox has a program where you can send a holiday card to a soldier serving overseas for free. You select a card and can either write your own message or select one from their large list. Please take a moment to say thanks.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gobble, Gobble

Wishing you all a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Ariana's Thankful For...

Blessed Be

For me, Thanksgiving is a time to be reflective on what I am thankful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband and two awesome kidlets. We have fantastic friends & family. We are able to put food on our table and clothe our children.

In the big scheme of things, I'm thankful to alive. To breathe free air. To live in a time that allows me to speak my mind without censure (well, pretty much).

Blessed am I, I am rich with love and family.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I have fallen in love with one of the new McDonald's commercials. It's the one where the kids walks in with his boombox and eats/jams to the music. The dad is hilarious!

Here is is on YouTube.

Jaw Dropping

Let me start by saying I have never watched The Bachelor before, honestly. I find the premise of this show to be ridiculus. However, after seeing the preview of an episode the other week where a woman was not given a rose and she's hyperventilating and freaking out...I had to tune in. At first, I felt horribly guilty at finding this woman's misery amusing. Then I thought about how she (and all these others) signed up for this show, knowing that they would be competing with 30 other women for one man. Who gets to enjoy the fruits of all those women.

And a guilty vice was born, I had to watch the rest of the season (like 4 episodes).

The situation with this particular woman was so weird. He kept telling her that he really liked her as a friend, and she didn't pick up on that clue. Over and over. She'd reply that the best lovers start out as friends, blah, blah, blah. He didn't give her a rose that episode and she leaves sobbing and she can't breathe. He has to come out to console her. I found it ludicrous.

Hello, the "Bachelor" hasn't stayed with the woman he picked in all the seasons. The only couple that is together is Trista and Ryan from the Bachelorette. (By the way, Trista just gave birth to their son a few months ago and suffered from HELLP Syndrome). What is it that makes these women believe they will be the one that stays together. I know, I know. The hope of finding your true love, and so on. But, finding it on TV? Yes, it can happen. But really, how good are the odds?

I also didn't really care for this Bachelor too much, but his decision redeemed him. He came off as this loveable, funny, kind guy, but I found him kinda dumb. That was at first glance. I find it refreshing that he didn't choose anyone since he isn't "in love" with someone. And didn't do the whole, "let's take the time to get to know one another better, but still take the ring" route.

There is talk already that he does propose on the aftershow. That there is some big shocker. We'll just have to watch and see.

I so cannot watch next season.


We had parent-teacher conferences for Ariana on Monday evening. She's doing well. Her teacher went over the list of things they watch for and she's hitting the marks appropriately. She's got a nice circle of friends, and is writing her letters (upper & lower) very well. Lately everything is this word starts with " ". When we are driving around she's spelling words she sees along the way.

One of her favorite things to do at school is to visit the library and do arts & crafts. She also likes to play kitchen and puzzles. The classroom also has computers that helps the kids learn to read, which she enjoys doing.

She continues to have issues with being hard on herself, but it's improving. It helps her to see her friends asking for help. Ariana starts taking the bus to school on Monday. She's excited about it and can't wait to sit with her friends on the bus.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Antlerless Deer -- Check

Jason tagged a nub buck yesterday. Thank god. ;)

From Ariana

Here's some "helping" from Ariana:

kergeiyigyeiytri yegertqassghytuuyytyytekuyuii uvttiuirtiuytir4yrtoyjjjjjjjyuyuvdh

mcllgbkflhkc'lhklkh jdddddkj/jfjfjkgfasdfdssdff agbffghgfg,kfhh

jhfghgkjgkfgjhfgjhghghhcjhfcjhffdhfjfdh nfhjhfjh

All I hear is this, "Mom, I can do it myself."

The big yellow bus

We decided at the beginning of the school year that I'd drop off and pick up Ariana from school each day. Well, it looks like she'll be riding the bus if I get that job. So, I'm thinking we'll get her started riding the bus to school for now. She really wants to ride to school with her friends, and plus it allows me to let Phoenix sleep midday rather then breaking up his naps into two shorter ones am & pm. The bus will take her to school and I'll pick her up. Perfect. This bus only has the 4K kids on it, so no worries about bigger kids.

Should be easy, right? So why do I have a small set of anxiety over this? She's growing up way too fast. She's in that stage where she is so independent yet still wants to occasionally snuggle with mom. She's moving to a little girl into a young girl.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


I have come to the conclusion that I am one of those people who must always have 10 million things going on. I'm sure my husband won't be surprised at my revelation. He'll most likely laugh at me.

I'm a stay at home mom. Which means that I do daycare, I cook, I clean, I chauffer, I keep track of everyone else's belongings, etc. Of course, Jason helps out but the brunt is mine. My kids are very active. No really, VERY active. I don't have quiet kids who sit and entertain themselves. I've got runners, jumpers, climbers, etc. In other words, they are a handful.

So, I'm back working part time for Nov & Dec. I am helping out at my most recent place of employment (women's shelter). They've got one who just had a baby this week, and another who did in Sept and has resigned. So they are shortstaffed and in need of assistance covering some evening shifts. I was looking for some part time work, so why not. I work there Monday and Tuesday evenings, 8 hours a week.

Then I applied at Old Navy and got hired on the spot during my interview. So, I'm working two nights a week and both weekend days, 15-20 hours a week. I go in for my third day tomorrow. It's fun, and the benefits are nice. This is my first experience working retail during a holiday, so I'm sure it's going to get nuts asap.

I also have the Disney travel job which isn't a great deal of time daily unless I have a trip to work on for a client. It's more of a do lots of work over a day or two, then it's quiet until the next client or that client goes on their vacation. So, while it's not major work I still count it as work.

Then I have my volunteer things. I volunteer with an online Disney community as a message board guide. I also stay involved with the Preeclampsia Foundation. My online duties have scaled back over the last year or two considerably. I stay pretty active with working with the state members, gearing up for the Walk-a-thon in 2008, and other various projects. I am currently working on a newsletter article about one of our WI gatherings.

I'm not writing this all for people to feel sorry for me or to pat me on the back. It's something that I realized about myself. While I like to stay busy, I have a tendancy to take more than I can handle sometimes. And then I stress out. I know that I cause my own stress sometimes. Hell, alot of times. And of course when I'm really stressed, I'm not a fun mommy, wife, whatever. Letting go of the little things is something I've worked on for years. I can do it with certain things, but others just drive me up a wall and I can't let go. I'm going to work harder on that.

December is going to be a lovely month. ;)

What it could mean

Many of my friends & family know that I am currently on the list of eligible candidates for a probation/parole agent. My chances of getting interviews are extremely high as I am currently ranked in the top section of the listing. As much as I would love to work within the county I reside in, that most likely won't be happening for a while to come. It looks like I'll have to accept a position in a neighboring county and after a year I can hope for a transfer if my home county has a position available.

What many don't know is that I interviewd for an area county in July, and was offered a postion. We didn't tell a great deal of people at the time, but I unfortunately had to turn down the position. It was a difficult decision and one that caused a great deal of personal anxiety. The timing was just not right for our family.

Well, I've got another interview scheduled for next month with a county next door. If offered, I will most likely take the position. It would mean a one hour drive to and from work each day, but hopefully it wouldn't be for more than a year or two. This is an unbelieveable opportunity for me, and I hope the interview goes well.

To turn down the position in July caused me to doubt myself and my abilities. I was fearful that another position would not come along and I had lost my one chance. It felt like I was giving up on my dream. I cannot express the relief and happiness I felt when I got the letter last week asking for an interview. I literally sat in the van at the mailbox with tears streaming down my face. I called Jason as soon as I drove into the driveway.

I have a month to go before the interview, so hopefully I won't psych myself out. Going back to work is obviously going to mean huge changes for our family and it won't be easy. But I'd be doing a job that I enjoy (hopefully) and we'd be having extra income that would be very beneficial. It does make me sad to know that I'll have to put the kids back into daycare. I was hoping to stay home with Phoenix until he was two, but he's a pretty social kid so I'm sure he'll do well. I think Ariana will have the more difficult time of it.

The fear of the unknown is powerful. Will driving 60 miles each way daily have a major impact on our lives? Will I be able to spend time with my kids each night or will I see them just as they are getting ready for bed? Will I be able to get up at the buttcrack of dawn again to get to work on time?

So many thoughts.

No luck

Jason didn't bag a deer today. Hoping tomorrow (and the rest of the season) is better.


Hunting season has arrived. Herds of blaze orange clad hunters have taken to the woods today. All in the hope of bagging something like this...


I was busy doing dishes while the kids were playing in the living room. I had run into another room, and upon my return to the kitchen saw the cupboard door open. No biggie, one or the other is always taking something out of there. Pretzel bag, cereal box, or the giant (almost empty) container of canola oil are the top items. I thought nothing of it and continued on with the dishes.

Then I hear Ariana exclaim, "Phee Nee, no!"

Uh oh.

And I hear this sound. Like a quick waterfall. I recognize it without knowing for sure what is falling to the floor.

"Mooooooommmmmmmmmmm, Phoenix spilled cereal on the floor!"

Shit, I think, hoping for something that would be easy cleanup.

Of course not.

I turn around and there is the gigantic box of Rice Krispies in his hands. He's holding it up in the air like he just one a huge trophy, and he's got this smile on his face. You know the one, ha ha mom I got you! Of course, it was the largest box they sell, minus the 6 cups I had used to make bars the other day. It was still pretty full.

I sigh. "Phoenix, that is naughty. Help mommy pick up."

To which Ariana replies, "No, we're puppies and we'll eat it up." And thus they proceed to lap up 10,000 little krispies that fell half on the kitchen floor and half on the living room carpet. Phoenix is delighting in picking them up where they stick to his slobbered on hands. He wants to share with mommy. Lovely.

I can't resist laughing. I take a photo with my phone and immediately send it to daddy so he can see. He thinks it's hilarious. He doesn't have to clean it up. ;)
I also break out my camera and take some candids of my kids having a blast with 10,000 krispies.

I take my time getting the broom and dustpan as I know this is a wonderful moment for them. However, my water is getting cold in the sink so cleanup is a must. By now, I have rice krispies all over the living room and kitchen floors from Phoenix tracking them around on his bare feet.

They were quite disappointed when I swept them all up.

Ah, to be a kid again.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Tomorrow Jason and I can make our advanced dining reservations for our May trip to Disney for Amber's wedding. I can imagine myself sitting at Boma's as I type this. Yum!


I'm incredibly frustrated at the moment!!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

National Prematurity Awareness Month

November is National Prematurity Awareness Month. The March of Dimes is fighting to stop premature births. Prematurity is the leading killer of America's newborns. Prematurity has been escalating steadily and alarmingly over the past two decades. In 2004, more than 500,000 infants were born prematurely, the highest number ever reported for the U.S. Preterm delivery can happen to any pregnant woman. In about four out of every 10 cases, the causes are unknown. The leading known cause of prematurity is preeclampsia. Which is the cause of why Ariana was born 5 weeks early.

One way to help is to create a virtual band in honor or memory of a child. View Ariana's March of Dimes band here.

Quote for November

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."
~ Albert Schweitzer

Friday, November 9, 2007

Pen In Hand

Ariana has discovered the joys of looking through the gazillion toy catalogs we've been receiving over the weeks. "Can I have a pen please" is typically the first thing out of her mouth when she eyes up the pages. She circles the things she wants, and if it's really high on her list, she'll ask me to come look at it.

I remember doing the same thing when I was a little girl, dreaming of all the cool toys I wished for.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Got Your Keys, Mom

She's All Mine

Heart Disease Risk & Preeclampsia

US News shares information on the link between cardiovascular troubles and preeclampsia. I know some data on this has been out previously.

So, basically I know that I will most likely die of heart disease between my family history and my preeclampsia history. Wonderful.

Seriously though, it's wonderful to see studies coming out that discuss the possible long term affects preeclampsia has on a woman's body.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Date Night

Jason surprised me with a date night this last weekend. It was supposed to be a grand surprise as in me not finding out until this weekend, but some other plans foiled his idea. So, I found out a few weeks ago. The kidlets were taken in by grandma & grandpa.

We enjoyed a wonderful show, Nunsense, being put on by the local Community Theatre group. It was a delightful production, with loads of laughs.


Why am I always the one to change the toilet paper roll? It's one of life's amazing mysteries.

Another heads to Iraq

I received an email this morning from a friend sharing that her husband will be heading to Iraq in Jan for a 6 month tour. Please keep Dan, Amy, and their kids in your thoughts. We wish you a speedy and safe return.

Friday, November 2, 2007


He is obsessed. With Fantasy Football. Sundays are HIS day.