How My Brain Works 37.1014

This morning the dog comes in from his morning routine and promptly settles in to cleaning himself.  As regularly scheduled, I hear "oh, gross" and "Chewie's cleaning his penis pocket again. Eww!" from the kiddos.  I always catch myself from wanting to call that 'penis pocket' a sheath.  Don't know why.  I have no idea if that is the technical body part name for it or not.  But whenever I think of the word "sheath," I think of this scene from Gladiator.  I can see into the future that I'll be some old grey hair with a male dog, chasing him around yelling "Sheath your sword!"

And that folks, is simply how my brain works.

bring sexy back

It struck me this afternoon as I was in the vehicle driving home that when the a/c is turned on full blast, you know the just got in the vehicle and I'm dying from heat full on blast, that some part of me feels like I am on stage or a model and the gimondo fans are blowing on my and making my hair flow with the wind.  The sexiness is all on, fo' sure!

Here is my ginormous, rock star fan....

And this is what I really look like.....

Nope, pretty sure I'm not bringing sexy back. 

Life Moment 4067

Last evening I returned home from the grocery store to find my husband searching high and low for the camper keys.  We returned home from camping at the end of June and put the camper up to empty it out and to let it dry as it had rained that weekend.  It's been up ever since.  Two weeks at least.  I know I saw them at that time, but how the hell am I supposed to know where they are?  I lug the groceries upstairs, sighing and possibly rolling my eyes as this situation.  Pssst....J has an issue with putting something in a "safe" spot and then forgetting where he put it.  Hence, the camper keys situation.  I let him be as he ravaged through the garage only to come in five minutes later with the keys.  So, where did he find them?  On the front corner of the camper about 8 feet in the air.  Yes, ladies & gents, they were on top of the camper for the last two+ weeks. 

This is one of our family moments.

jokester

My 7yo son LOVES to tell jokes.  Jokes that you can't help but laugh at because they make no sense whatsoever.  Knock knock jokes are his specialty.  Here is an example of one of this morning's jokes....

Him:  "Knock knock"

Me:  "Who's there?"

Him:  "Boob"

Me, pausing and giving him a look before I reply:  "Boob who?"

Him:  "Aren't you glad you don't have big boobs?"

This results in huge, belly-busting laughter on my part because 1) the joke makes no sense and 2) I have big boobs.  This joke led to a few jokes about butts and penises.  (He is in love with talking about "inappropriate" things right now.)  That led to me putting my mom hat on and reminding him to tell "clean" jokes.  And he replies with a joke about poop.  Which was doubling funny (or shall I say punny) and had me turning around so he couldn't see me smile.  Egads, that kid makes me smile.



PS.  Blogger tells me this is my 900th post.  I want to cross 1000 this year yet.  :)  Thanks for reading.

kinda last minute getaway

so near the end of April, the hubs and I were talking & we said we'd each share something we wished we could do this year.  He, of course, would like to go and pay cash for a new camper.  Okay, not happening.  My turn.  Now, I have a problem dreaming big.  It's not something I usually do, I try to stay within attainable, small dreams. But I say I wish we could swing a quick trip to Walt Disney World before our annual passes expire.  He looks at me and says, you know we could possibly do that.  Um, no.  Not realistic at all.

Fast forward to one hour later and we are booked.  Nice flights on Southwest, we had enough vacation points to cover 3 nights, and of course we had our park tickets.  Airfare and food was what we needed to cover.  We worked it so we'd be gone Wed-Sat and would hit the last weekend of the Flower & Garden Festival at Epcot and the opening weekend of Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios.  Oh yeah, photos of flowers and getting my geek on?  Excitement was pretty high in the weeks leading up the trip.

The hubs and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage this August, so we decided to call it an early anniversary trip.  Anything to justify, right?

Here are some highlights.....

 We had beautiful skies, fantastic weather, and warmth in Florida.

  We made a pledge to be silly on this trip, to not take ourselves too seriously

 Some Haunted Mansion fun....

 Fiesta margarita.  You will begin to see a theme on this trip....

This year's festival had food booths and we took advantage of trying new foods & drinks.

 Dole Whip w/ Rum.  Yum.

 Another indulgence on this vacay, we got a SWEET deal on this car

Betty White and my finger shot for Seppy

Selecting dessert

 'The Dark Side,' a very yummy beverage

We had an awesome time.  We thoroughly enjoyed our lack of parental responsibilities for four days and enjoyed each others company.   We so needed this time and even though it was an extra expense, it was so worth it. 

Stripper Sheep

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week.  And we couldn't help but take a photo.  Because. This. Is. Hilarious!  Dontcha think?  First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over.   Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties.  And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter.  How could it not?  Sheep with leotards?  It was the highlight of our night!

Politeness

As I went into a public restroom yesterday, I came across a probably normal occurrence, but disgusting nonetheless. Yes. There was a pubic hair on the toilet seat. Um, "Ms. I Need To Leave My DNA Behind", could you please check the seat upon exiting the stall to ensure you didn't leave any surprises. Surprises include, but are not limited to:
-pubes
-floaters (just flush again plz)
-pee on the seat (or whatever that damn liquid is that wets the back of my thighs)
-your monthly products (please double wrap in a criss cross manner prior to throwing in the wall box)
-and anything else you might leave behind

What's the rush? Did you drop ass in the stall and want to scurry out so no one knows it's you? Relax. Everyone farts, takes a dump, and pees. It's nature. But at least have the decency to clean up after yourself!

Tis the Season

The gifts were aplenty this holiday season like usual. Okay, okay...so maybe there was a bit less spending going on for us and others. But it was a good Christmas overall. What did you haul in with your Santa bounty? Anything good? Anything you want to give back?

What about those gifts that you have to fake a smile when you open them? You know the ones, the gifts where you are thinking "What the fuck am I going to do with this?" I'm all about making sure the gift I get for someone is actually something they want (score one for gift lists even if people hate them). Giving a gift just to frickin' give one and knowing it's not something the receiver really wants is just tasteless in my book. I'd rather the gift not come at all. I'm not saying that I got any of "those" gifts this year, but a few have come across my lap a time or two.

The husband and I were just reminiscing about the first Christmas together and how I wanted a stepper. What I meant was that I wanted like a Reebok step, the one where it's really just a plastic box step you step up on for the workout video. The hubby (well, the boyfriend at that time) gave me this lovely stepper. Like a stepping machine without the handles, it was just the steps. I was like, "What the hell!!!" He returned it for something else. *wink*

But what happens to all those gifts that we get and don't really want? Are they destined to be re-gifted? I know, that's a whole nother topic. To be put in your summer garage sale? Donated to the nearest charity? Tell me, what happens to those gifts.

And how to do you make it known, as politely and as sneaky as possible, that you have some ideas on what to gift you for next year or your birthday? Especially when the giver thinks they've scored the perfect gift for you, only you are cringing on the inside.

Don't be afraid, I know we've all gotten at least one gift where we pondered how to best get rid of it. Do tell your gift secrets pretty please. I may take a collection of non-wanted gifts and send them to the best comment. Just kidding, I swear. or am I?

LMAO

A friend shared this with me earlier in the week and it's become the catch phrase of the week. It's juvenile (aren't the best jokes always juvenile?) and to us, hilarious.
SNL Short Clip ~ Jizz in my Pants

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holders

I was looking at new bras the other day and man, oh, man....does bra shopping suck. It's torture, plain and simple. New bras at the store are scratchy and honestly a litle disgusting when you think about someone trying it on before you. One hopes the person didn't have boobie cooties. Different brands are different sizes, some have thinner straps and then dig into your skin more, etc. What an ordeal. The best feeling is to slip back into your old, ratty, used-to-be-white bra, even if it's all streched out. It's like that old pair of shoes you can't get rid of because they are just so damn comfortable. I usually keep a bra until the underwire breaks. Even if it's grey and dingy now. I guess "sweets & treats" will just have to wait another day for a new holder.

Here's a much lighter post

I don't think I've posted these before. Even if I did...they are worth the second look. This is my child. My special child. We were goofing around with a pair of tanning goggles and I couldn't resist pulling out the camera.

Would you like Parm with that?

Phoenix is eating a slice of kraft cheese off the kitchen floor and sprinkling parm on it. I can't remember the last time I actually washed the floor...I know it was in the last two weeks...but this might put me up for "Mother of the Year". Not.

I'm picking my battles. He doesn't want a plate, and I figure nothing on the floor will actually kill him. So, rock on my child. Rock on.

What kinds of things do your children do that some others would frown upon? I can't be the only one.

The Words Coming Out Of Your Mouth

Two things that made me laugh this evening.

1) Ariana: Mom, are you going to die soon?
Me: No, I'm not. Why?
Ariana: Cuz you're old and when you have spots, you're old.
Me: (laughing through tears) well, I just didn't have a reply for a couple minutes. It was just too damn funny. And I have no clue what she's talking about with spots.

2) Jason: You know what sucks about throwing out leftovers?
Me: No. (thinking it has to do with money wasting)
Jason: You never know what smell you're going to get.


After the day I had today, I totally needed this humor and found it way funnier that I perhaps would have on a different day.

Why Do I Bother?

I have tried to pick up items for my dearest husband in the past and it always ends up turning into a fiasco. If it's a polo shirt for work, the sleeves are wrong or it has a pocket. If it's a movie, it's not widescreen and he complains (before I can even tell him that all they had was the fullscreen version). I've actually told myself recently that I wasn't buying any more shit for him, since I apparently have no clue what he likes.

Well, he's been complaining he needs new t-shirts. And he wears his Nike tee's all the time. So, Kohls had them on sale and I picked up a few. Turns out they are all in the same color he already has and they are a size Large, which he normally wears. There has been an issue with shrinkage in the past on these shirts, so he bought an XL last time. The XL in the store looked gigantic, even if it'd shrink. So I bought the larges. Planning to ensure that they are washed carefully without hot water and high heat.

Since my intention was just to buy him some new shirts, and NOT to replace the shirts he has already, I am now returning them. God forbid he replace one of the shirts or have two in the same color. And I've told myself, AGAIN, that it's a waste of my time to shop for him for shit like this.

I know it's my own damn fault, but it makes me feel like shit when I'm trying to do something nice for him and it ends up being "wrong" or whatever. At times, I wonder why I even fucking bother.

Once Upon A Time...

...we had this neighbor. His name was Al. And he was scary. We lived in a beautiful, but old, apartment during Jason's college days. The place had lots of charisma, but across the hall from us was Al and his woman. He was scary, together they were freaky weird scary.

Let's see, how can I adequately describe Al. Al was like the poor man's version of this guy.

I'm not joking. He wasn't in all leather, but had the hat, and a vest. And occasionally had a long ass knife like that at his side. No, really. I'm serious. He was quite the odd duck. Or croc I guess you could say. (wink) He had a goat before they were cool, and even when they did turn cool I'm certain his was not cool.

Al owned this awesome van. It looked kinda like this...

Except shittier. And it was painted with purple & blue striping. Hand painted, not body shop painted. And we'd come outside to see him coloring in the black plastic sun shields on the back windows or doing a little pin striping with these...

For real. He would use paint markers, metallic in color, to touch up his Al-mobile. To top it all off, he had horns in the front window of the van.

Yep, I'm seriously NOT joking. Real fucking steer horns. And if I remember correctly, probably a skull or half naked lady air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

They knocked on our door once to ask for help moving a dresser up the stairs. How could I say no without being a complete bitch? So, I helped him carry this heavy-ass dresser up the stairs and into their apartment. I was happy to escape and turned down their offer of refreshments. Our apartments had these bay windows, and theirs was filled with some kind of shrine it seemed. And there were some of these around their apartment.

I'm all for individual taste, but decorating with skulls just ain't a good thing. Ever. Except for Halloween. But beyond October, forget about it.

Jason's bedroom when he lived there with some buddies (prior to me moving in) was directly next to their bedroom. the headboards of each bed shared a wall. A rather thin wall. One night about 1am, when I was spending the weekend, we had the most unpleasant experience of listening to them have sex. It took everything we had not to laugh out loud. It started out with her moaning and then turning to repeated "Oh god, oh god" over and over. And over. Come on lady, get on with it! Finally, she let's out a giant "Oh God!" and we hear this guttural snarl/belch/noise. It's Al, and he's finally cooked his goose. Thank god they were done!

We still remember Al and the van, and the horns, and the knife, and the sex. We chuckle about it yet today.

Froggie Heaven

Ariana has been quite the entomologist this last week or so. She had a nice grasshopper last week, some slugs, and a mayfly. Last night she brought home a frog. Yes, I said a frog. Or a toad, I'm not up on the differences.

It was this little tiny thing. She found it at the park and brought it home in her hat. She was being so gentle with it and wanted to keep it for-e-ver. She whined that froggie needed to sleep in the bed with her, and dad had quite the small battle getting it on the dresser. (Don't worry, it was in a bug house.)



Well, this morning she awoke and found froggie dried up and on his back. The tears ensued. Sigh. Last week it was tears over the grasshopper that died. Of course, he died when her foot stepped on him.


We talked about how frogs need water to survive and she says her next frog will have to be kept in the pool in the back yard. Great.

For Real?

Jason is flipping through channels this evening and comes across the Miss Universe pageant. I really don't give a shit about pageants to be honest, but this we couldn't help laughing at. When some of the women were introduced, their hobbies & special interests were shared. And some of them had winning activities. Such as shopping with friends, clubbing, and making chocolate cakes. Are you for real? I mean, what the fuck? You are in a multinational pageant and you publicly share that your hobby is clubbing? What happened to world peace? Or tutoring young children?

I just thought it was kinda funny.

Sex Really Does Sell

Have you seen the Toyota Sienna commercial where the couple sexily (is that a word?) walk around the minivan? I laugh out loud each time I see it. I just know that sex is on the mind when couple are looking at minivans. Yeah. Right. For real. They are probably thinking their days of sex are completely over. I just find the "sexy van commercial" hilarious and needed to share it with you if you haven't witnessed it already.

I can't figure out if the van is supposed to represent a phallic symbol or what. I can just read this commercial as it's written out... She caresses the front of the van with a longing deep in her nether region. The keys slip out of the pocket like a giant member springing from unzipped jeans. The climactic release when the van doors open.

Watch and see what I mean. Of course, I could just have a dirty mind and be craving sex so that the commercial means more to me than some of you.

That's Just Thong

Woman Sues Vicky's Secret

This story caught my eye and I just had to share. Can you imagine trying on thong underwear and then having a piece of it fly off and hit you? I'm sure this will settle out of court, but seriously. Talk about one in a million.

I do have to say that I have never tried thong underwear on in the store. That's just thong, um I mean wrong, to me. The few I have were purchased and then washed, then tried on. I don't need anyone else's crotch cooties, and no one else needs mine.

Here's another great thong story. I went garage sailing the other week and visited a sale one block away from my home. The college age daughter was selling bras & panties. And guess what, they were thong panties. First of all, who sells thong underwear at a garage sale? And who the hell BUYS thongs at a garage sale. Come on, you know where they've been. Ewww.

Kit Kat

Here's another good Ariana-ism.

She picked up a Kit Kat as a treat from the store. (That bird visit trip) As we are driving home she says, "Hey mom, do you remember that house, where the old people live. They gave me one of these chocolates."
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She's talking about my in laws. They gave her a Kit Kat for Halloween last year.