Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

bring sexy back

It struck me this afternoon as I was in the vehicle driving home that when the a/c is turned on full blast, you know the just got in the vehicle and I'm dying from heat full on blast, that some part of me feels like I am on stage or a model and the gimondo fans are blowing on my and making my hair flow with the wind.  The sexiness is all on, fo' sure!

Here is my ginormous, rock star fan....

And this is what I really look like.....

Nope, pretty sure I'm not bringing sexy back. 

Life Moment 4067

Last evening I returned home from the grocery store to find my husband searching high and low for the camper keys.  We returned home from camping at the end of June and put the camper up to empty it out and to let it dry as it had rained that weekend.  It's been up ever since.  Two weeks at least.  I know I saw them at that time, but how the hell am I supposed to know where they are?  I lug the groceries upstairs, sighing and possibly rolling my eyes as this situation.  Pssst....J has an issue with putting something in a "safe" spot and then forgetting where he put it.  Hence, the camper keys situation.  I let him be as he ravaged through the garage only to come in five minutes later with the keys.  So, where did he find them?  On the front corner of the camper about 8 feet in the air.  Yes, ladies & gents, they were on top of the camper for the last two+ weeks. 

This is one of our family moments.