Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Monday, July 4, 2011


We are waiting to get an appointment scheduled for neuro-psych testing for Phoenix now.  We have a therapy appointment set up for next week for J and I to start on a treatment plan, but without having the actual testing done, I'm leery of how much of a plan we'll come up with.  Things are starting to become out of control for him with some of his behaviors and it's affecting him at daycare.  He's sleeping like shit and his night terrors are worsening again.  We know he has more difficulty with impulse control and anger when he's tired, so it's been an uphill battle to tackle everything.

On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly.  We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit.  I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.


Dearest Phoenix

As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life.  You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life.  And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional.  We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help.  It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister.  I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future. 

You hate being told no.  You strongly dislike transitions.  You are so unbelievably frickin' independent.  You love to talk, at times non-stop.  You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen.  You have the best smile, your entire face lights up.  And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis.  You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes. 

Your tantrums are becoming legendary.  Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys.  You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started.  And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting.  I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly.  And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore.  There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you.  And I'm sorry for that.

If I am being honest, I'm scared.  Scared of what is to come.  People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still."  I am full aware of that.  We live with your exuberance on a daily basis.  The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it.  I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well.  But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one.  I know that medication can help many things.  It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister.  But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside.  And I don't know why.  I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD.  Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.

I have so much hope for you.  You have such awesome potential to do great things.  And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will.  I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person.  You are my baby.  And I love you.