Sunday, August 28, 2005


Well, I’m still not pregnant.

I had the HSG on Aug 10. I was pretty nervous, as I wasn’t sure how much cramping I would have, plus, what if they found something? I didn’t think the procedure was all that bad really. I was able to watch the entire procedure on the monitor. They found a mild plugging on the right tube and the radiologist was able tot flush it with the contrast fluid.

We’re hoping things will happen soon. My fertile time for September is looking to be the same as when I got pregnant with Ariana. The due dates would be days apart. Plus, we’ll be in a hotel in MN during ovulation just like we were with Ariana. How could September not be our month? I wasn’t really expecting to become pregnant in August, but this morning when I took a home pregnancy test it was negative. I really feel shitty. Why can’t we get pregnant? What is wrong with us? I still don’t have my period and it doesn’t come for many days. My cycles are so out of whack. They are not regular like they used to be. This month gave us a 35-day cycle. And that puts off my ovulation dates for September. Argh!

My grandfather’s birthday is September 1, and I went to the cemetery to visit him that day. I asked him to please bless us with another baby. I just let it all out and had a good cry. I miss him terribly, and know he’d love my husband and my kids.

Monday, August 1, 2005


July 2004-August 2005
Our journey begins late summer 2004. We’ve made the decision to bring another baby into our family. Ariana was almost 1 ½ years old and we wanted to give her a little brother or sister. We had gotten pregnant with Ariana our first month of trying, so we thought we’d get pregnant quickly with our second. Little did we know that month after month we’d be riding a roller coaster of emotions.

The first month came and went….no baby. Surely month two or three would bear the fruit of our love. The holidays came and went and still no baby. I had an appointment for a repap in January 05. It was abnormal again, so we scheduled a colposcopy and he took a biopsy, which came back okay. A week later, I was heartbroken to receive news that my OB was dead. There are so many unanswered questions. How could this happen? I had counted on him to get me safely through another pregnancy. We considered him a true hero and meant so much more to us than just being our OB. A truly gifted man and amazing physician. He is missed by so many.

In December, I had some testing for autoimmune disorders and the like, which can be indicators of risk for preeclampsia. The OB didn’t expect to find anything, but there were a few things that appeared not normal. I was referred over to a hematologist, which is weird because they are also oncologists. That can freak a person out when the cancer center calls about your appointment, especially since I was having the abnormal paps. It turns out I have a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR (methylene tetra hydro folate reductase), which increases the risk of blood clots in the arteries, blood clots in the veins, and may possibly increase the risk of heart attack or stroke. I have the good kind of MTHFR, which does lower my risks. There is not a great deal of studies done on these disorders and preeclampsia, but what has been done shows an increased risk for preeclampsia.

So, we are reaching our fifth and sixth month of TTC and we are facing a higher risk pregnancy with a different doctor. I admit there were times where I thought it just wasn’t meant to be for us. We should stop trying, I sometimes thought. Jason was always there to lift my spirits and for a shoulder to cry on when aunt flo made her appearance month after month.

Spring comes and goes, and our lives are changing. I graduated from college and my search for a job begins. This time is bittersweet as we were hoping to be getting ready to deliver a baby by now. But we’re not even pregnant yet. Each month becomes more and more disappointing. Why can’t we have a baby? What is wrong with us? We have friends and family members who are happily announcing their joyous news at this time. I am truly happy for each and every one of them, but I’m intensely sad at the same time wondering when it will be our turn.

We have friends who have had fertility issues, so infertility issues are not a foreign concept for us. I always felt that I was empathetic to those couples, but after going through it ourselves...I have learned that one cannot truly understand the pain and heartache unless one has traversed that road themselves. The cycle of hope and disappointment is tiring and the thought of taking a break crosses my mind constantly. I’m told that this is normal, but who knows. Taking a break is scary as what if that would have been “the month” and we missed it?

People around us either don’t say anything or try to offer some comfort. Some have told us, “Just relax,” or “You’re trying too hard.” It’s incredibly frustrating to hear those words. I know many do not understand, but it still hurts when it’s said. I’ve tried to stop talking about our struggle unless someone asks or it’s a person that can really understand.

July was our month, or so I thought. I felt like this was it! I even had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was crushed when I started spotting on cycle day 28. Why? Why can’t we catch a break here? I feel so guilty for thinking this way as I wonder if it sounds as if we are not thankful for what we have. I am so thankful for my little girl. Sometimes I think my reasons for wanting to be pregnant again is to have that chance at a “normal” pregnancy. What is it like to have those anxious days of waiting for my water to break? What about that crazy drive to the hospital while breathing through contractions? What is it like to have visitors come and see you and your baby in the same room?

I worry that another pregnancy will be complicated by preeclampsia again. I know there isn’t a whole lot to do to prevent it, but having the knowledge of preeclampsia now is so empowering for me. We can handle whatever comes our way. Or so I like to think.

August 2005 kicks of with the start of my period. Yay, not. I scheduled an appointment with the OB and he starts a fertility workup. I had to have some blood tests run, and will be having a hysterosalpingogram done to check my tubes and ovaries. Jason will have to do a semen analysis. We don’t know what could potentially could be wrong at this point, but it’s still overwhelming to think that something could be wrong with my body. Jason expresses the same. The what-if’s at this point are so many, that we decide we just can’t worry at this point. We’ll deal with what comes.