Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

I would like to start keeping a gratitude journal of sorts and am thinking of writing a few things that I'm grateful or happy for at least once a week. Perhaps Gratitude Tuesday?

Since I missed's this week.

*I am grateful for a husband that loves me unconditionally and completely.

*I am happy that the sun is shining today.

*I am happy to be here at 34 years of age, and grateful for a wonderful birthday last week.

*I do have to say I'm grateful for swear words. Oh, how do I heart me some F-bombs. ;-)

*I am grateful for wonderful friends. Individuals who are always there no matter what, never judging, be there at the drop of a hat when you need them. You ladies know who you are. Love you!

Quick update on the eldest

We saw the pedi this morning and discussed what's been going on with Ariana. So many of the things that have been escalating are issues/specialties that Ari has had for so long. We know she has some things that make her "her." Some of them are more difficult to live with than others. And we are to the point where we don't know what to do anymore. Is there something physiologically wrong, emotionally wrong, etc? I hate, hate, hate the fact that something could be and my child could have a label for years to come. But my #1 goal as a parent is to help her be the best that she can be, quirks and all.

We'll be starting off with some testing for food allergies and celiac issues. Then onto some discussion with a place that has a group of professionals (psychiatrist, etc) to help us figure out what else could be going on and how to work with it. I feel good about the direction we are going with this and also am hopeful. Last week when I wrote up my last blog post during one of the "episodes", hopeful was not something I thought I'd feel in the coming days. And that feels so good.

I love that child. I would do anything for her. She is my best girl and often has us looking at her in awe.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Life with my eldest is sometimes a battle. A battle over the most simple of things. Battles that leave everyone in tears. And I'm so tired of it. I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

This morning it was the simple task of asking her to get dressed. Struggling to get her to listen and then to follow through. Followed by a meltdown because her tights aren't "right" on her foot. Which led to her kicking me in the face (albiet by accident) as I attempted to help her. At which point, I lost my cool and yelled. Now we are both in tears and pissed off at each other. She yelled that she hates me, muttered that she wishes I would go away. And I directed her to her room. She snuck out and took some V-day candy out of the bowl. I told her no and she replied by sticking her tongue out at me. I responded by throwing the candy in the garbage. I refuse to tolerate the sassiness. She screamed and told me she was going to dump the garbage on my head, and that I better watch out cuz she's going to tell her dad.

We could go days without something like this happening and those days are great. And then an "episode", as J & I have termed them privately, occurs. Some days she's set off because we are holding firm on something we told her no to. Others it's a reaction to asking how school was. We know that there is a correlation between times when she is low on food and hasn't eaten for a while and her behavior. Other times we have no clue what is causing her to be set off. During these "episodes" she will scream at us ("I hate you" and "you are a meanie" are her faves), throw things, hit at us or herself, rip apart artwork, and more. And sometimes within 10 minutes she's fine again, sometimes it's an hour.

We know that she is sensitive and has self-esteem issues, thus we are extremely careful about what we say to her. But fuck, it is hard. I feel horrible that there are times that I feel like I don't know who this child is, I hate her behavior, and just simply don't know what to do.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

So happy for them....

Niki and Josh are two very happy people right now. They are enjoying their new twin boys, Liam and Silas. Niki is a fellow preeclampsia mom, who lost her son Myles. Here's their story told by their local news station. Check out her blog too for some terrific photos and their experience.


Phoenix was sick earlier this week with the lovely puckies, thank goodness that boy knows to make it to the toilet most of the time. He was better in under 24 hours. Then Thurs night Jason started through all day yesterday. And I started a nasal drip last night that wouldn't stop, darn faucet it was, and a sore throat. I am holding onto hope that Ari and I don't get the pukies, I guess I should be happy with my cold.

Spring cannot come soon enough!