Monday, February 25, 2013


“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi 

the last post i made immediately prior to this was done out of frustration and anger.  i am working to move beyond those emotions and thus came the topic of forgiveness during my last counseling session.  she asked if i could forgive the things that have impacted me.  and while i hope i can do so, i feel lost at identifying what exactly i need to forgive with some issues.  then came the homework.  i am working on a project in which i identify what things in my life have deeply wounded/cut/whatever term and then working on acceptance.  i do not want to wallow in this pit of anger & frustration i have with several key things in my life.  i want to accept what is and move on.  the actual process of doing that is the sticky part.  and so i have this journal project sitting in my shelf.  it has been there for one week and i am feeling fearful of looking at this shit that exists within me.  but today i will begin.  and that is a wonderful step.

Shut yer mouth!

i have a secret, one that i cannot share at this time, but it is causing me to channel my inner hobbit......"keep it secret, keep it safe."  that is what gandalf says to frodo in lotr.  this secret is a big one and one that requires secrecy for safety.   i realize i am being shifty with the secret talk, but just a handful of people know the secret and we have a while to go before things are public.  so when someone who is in the know starts running their mouth and saying things that could cause others to go "hmmmm," i am going to say something.  and i did.  it was a pretty big thing for me to do with this particular person, which is ultimately what led me to write today.

i stood up and said something, which is something i do not usually do with this person.  i have always tried to keep the peace, but that is coming to an end.  it is about frickin' time i speak up and i am happy with myself that i did so.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

a long time coming

i have started and deleted a few blog posts in the last two weeks, the words just not flowing like i wish they would.  and this post will probably be a jumble of words, so hang on tight.  :)

i have had some up days and down days, but i continue to work on personal growth and acceptance.  i struggle with acceptance as i feel there is something i should do (as in a task) or that there should be a difference in feeling, but there isn't.  well, there is a sense of freedom that comes as i move through acceptance.  but sometimes is way fucking difficult to do.  all in all, i feel better.  i feel better about myself and how i talk to myself and think about myself.  i know that i am capable, loveable, and pretty darn awesome.  gosh, that sounds so freaking egotistical.  i feel powerful, in a good way.  and that is amazing.

i received many gifts today as it's my 37th birthday.  some were material things, some monetary.  but the greatest gifts i received were those of love.  people who care about me and love me for who i am gathered together to celebrate the day.  people on facebook shared their birthday wishes.  i had some awesome texts as well from some special folks in my life.  what an amazing gift.  i am so grateful for everyone's love and friendship. 

this week i took part in a phenomenal event, One Billion Rising.  It was a call for a revolution that demands an end to violence against women & children across the globe.  We had some "random acts of dance" at work that involved some great dance moves (the sprinkler, the lawn mower, moonwalking, I could go on and on) and lots of laughter.  At work it's easy, everyone gets why we are doing this.  We are all aware of the violence and the atrocities committed.  Outside of work, it's a different story.  Getting people to care about violence in another country or even across town is difficult.  That is something I have difficulty understanding, but human rights, particularly female rights are a passionate cause in my heart.  I also had the opportunity to help plan and participate in a community event for OBR.  It didn't turn out as planned, but we had fun nonetheless. 

The snafu of the event led to a nightmare about the walk that I coordinate....I dreamed that no one but my family of four showed up at the event.  No one else.  Ack!  What a nightmare.  My heart is bursting with love for this event and I always want it to turn out well, but there are challenges.  something i figured out through this process of self discovery & growth is that i need validation from outside source to feel worthy.  and when planning a community event, this can be an issue.  when i feel as if no one is listening or cares, i feel like it is a rejection of me.  i can logically understand this isn't so, but deep down if it's important to me and i am important to someone else, why don't they recognize the passion and support it.  it is something i am working on and with multiple projects going on, i am getting the opportunity for lots of practice. :)

i am learning to love myself.  to be comfortable with myself and to hell with what others think.  that i need to please myself rather than pleasing others first.  i got an amazing text tonight from a friend and her words touched me in a way she cannot possibly imagine.  i love her and her friendship and i am so fortunate to have her in my life.  she gets me and accepts me for who i am at my core, quirks and all.  what a gift.  she's a pretty spectacular person herself.  love ya.

the hubs and i are doing awesome, working on our communication and support of each other.  it's been fantastic.  it has been a new commitment to each other and our family, which was needed. 

we had parent teacher conferences this last week.  the kids are doing great!  the boy child has been doing well with OT and the extra things we've added at home for his needs and we are seeing improvements with those additions.  the girl child is also doing great and continues to amaze me.  they both slept through the night, in their own beds for 6 nights in a row.  YES.  i could not say if that ever happened before.  it is pure awesomesauce!

well, that's the wrap-up for now.  signing off for the night.