Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Warning:  may be TMI for some readers
As a young girl, I remember adding up how many times I had had my period.  “Oh my, this is my 7th time having my period!”  “Wow, twenty times I’ve had my period.”  When I was young, I looked at my period as something exciting, that bridge to ‘womanhood,’ whatever that meant at the time.  Twenty-six years later, I have come to loathe that special relative, Aunt Flo.  It amazes me as I look back on how I felt about menstruating over the years:

  • This period business is exciting stuff!
  • Even practicing safe sex, the arrival of the red beast always meant I was not pregnant.  (YAY!)
  • F&*K!  My period showed up.  Meaning I wasn’t pregnant.  (Boo!)
  • Menstruation is a nasty part of a woman’s life.  Men can suck it!
  • Seriously?  Does my fucking uterus hate me?  

It makes me chuckle to recall the excitement, the ups & downs, and even the despised feeling I have now.   So, why the title “Probing?”   It’s something my vagina knows a bit too much about, in my opinion. 

I’ve always had heavy period with major cramping.  About three years ago, I had an IUD put in.  The majority of women with this form of birth control end up not having a period.  Of course, I do not fall in that category.  I have always had my period and within the last year, it has gotten worse.  At this point, I have my period more than I don’t each month.  As in more than half the month I have to wear some form of panty protection.  After talking with the doctor about it again, we decided to have an ultrasound for a look-see.  I’ve had cysts on my ovaries before and who knew what was going on in there.

U/S day:  I drink my 300oz of water, but when I arrive at the appointment I do not have that full feeling in my bladder nor do I have to pee.  So, after the tech begins she stops and has me drink more water.  Fifteen minutes later, my bladder is finally protesting all the liquid and I am getting my outer lady bits pushed on with that lovely gel and rolling probe.  Which always reminds me of roll-on deodorant.  Sorry, off track there for a minute.  I know as she’s whipping through the screen shots that I will most likely be having an internal u/s as well.  And within minutes, she shares that the “outer part of the u/s is done, but she will have to conduct an internal u/s as well.”  Big surprise.   So, I scoot my ass up onto this triangle thing so my vagina and other lady bits are at optimal viewing and  out comes the long white probe at which point I am asked if I want to insert it myself.  Really?  Can I get a few minutes to myself too?  My response is this “I told them at work I was going to get probed.”  Yes, I said that.  And was instantly mortified.  Thankfully, the tech is cool and laughs with me.  The probe is inserted and my parts start to get an up-close and personal viewing.  Then my bladder fills again and I have to use the restroom again.  And have the probe re-inserted.    Finally we finish and I get to head back to the restroom to pee (again).  I love that you are given nothing to wipe yourself with except for the rough paper towel in the bathroom.  I always use the paper sheet they give you as it’s a bit softer.  She walks me out, just showing me enough to get back out of the building.  Kind of like a date that you just gave out to, but in the end all they wanted was for you to put out.  Long story short, they haven’t a clue as to what my uterus’ problem is beyond saying a big “fuck you” to me almost every day of the month.  

After years of begging the doctor to take out my lady bits, we are a step closer.  I will be having an ablation done in October.  That sounds like total fun!  Having my uterine lining burned off is like me telling my uterus to go fuck herself.  

At this point, anytime my life partner wants to bitch about having his prostate checked now that he’s 40, I pretty much tell him to fuck himself too.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

the delight of a child


i have this friend and she's struggling right now.  she's an "internet" friend, one of my preeclampsia sisters.  she has recently shared her experience with depression on her blog and let's just say her writing hit me at my core.  i have had my bouts with depression and this year have been flitting the line.  i am so damn proud of Jenny for having the balls to share publicly as well as take steps for her own safety.  i love ya, my dear.

for a period of time i was on an anti-depressant and ultimately it saved me from a possible severe post-partum depression when the experience that was Ari's birth occurred.  i had first starting feeling down in 2000/2001 after i had my breast reduction.  one of the best things i had ever done for myelf, however i struggled as my identity as the "girl with the big boobs" was gone.  i had normal boobs and didn't know what to make of it.  it took me a while to figure out that the image of myself had shifted and i was uncomfortable with it.  fast forward several months to a work holiday party at which i got the most intoxicated i had ever been.  i have no memory of much of the evening.  the week after, i could barely get out of bed.  within the week, i knew something was wrong but i just couldn't make myself DO anything about it.  it was the urging of my boss that pushed me to call for help.  i must have sounded severely depressed on the phone as the receptionist was worried i wouldn't be okay over the holidays until my appointment.  i assured her i wasn't suicidal, just bone fucking depressed.  after i started meeting with the psychiatrist and the psychologist, i learned what alcohol does to your brain and how it can affect someone already depressed.  with the amount of alcohol i had that evening, my brain went into depression overload.  i worked through some issues at that time and just about the time we decided to have me wean off the meds, i mentioned we wanted to get pregnant.  we made the decision to stay on to help me stay even keel throughout the pregnancy.  while i know this was a lifesaver for me, later on it would be one of many things i would try to use to explain or blame the HELLP on.  which didn't help, duh.  eventually i went off and remained off meds for several years.

about two years ago, i went breifly back onto the same anti-depressant as i dealt with kid issues.  i was feeling anxious and the doc thought it would be a good idea.  i didn't stay on them long.  i currently have a prescription for those same meds that my doc suggested i take again as i work through the crap i'm working through this year.  just to help me through it and to ensure i don't nosedive.  i hate them.  i hate that even though i know it's good for me and meant to help, i feel weak taking them.  that i'm back to being fucking crazy and that i just can't get my shit together.  and so i haven't been taking them.  but after hearing about how Jenny is doing, i intend to start back on them.  i am scared shitless that i will tank again and i just can't. 

this is coupled with an awareness i came into this year about alcohol and me.  i have never been a big drinker, especially after seeing what it can do and having to help my mom on her "good times."  i have a drink or two each week, but they are quite weak and i don't like the feeling of losing control so i don't consume more than 1-2 drinks at a time.  i have been thinking on this lately as i have developed a fear of drinking too much or too often.  and i realized it is because i think i could very easily become an alcoholic.  the send of deadening my feelings, things i am working to feel after not allowing myself to feel for years, things that fucking hurt my heart/mind/soul.  i am fearful of wanting to drink more.  i had a discussion with a friend recently who shared that is why she doesn't drink much, if at all, anymore.  the allure of not feeling is too strong.  i shared this with J this weekend and he appreciated my honesty about it with him.  i knew it was important for me to discuss with him in the event i do cross a line, but i've kept myself in check for several years now so that i hold dear.

i am focusing on strength now rather than weakness.  i read a quote that said something about how on rough days when one cannot think they can make it through one more thing, to remember that one's success rate for making it through the tough times is 100% and that's pretty awesome.  i loved it and it really motivated me to change my perspective on a few things.  i went back and forth about whether to write this post, but decided being truthful and authentic meant i should. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

amazing human being

i have this friend.  he's pretty darn cool.  and he does awesome things like travel across the globe to volunteer.  he does lots of other awesome things too, but this post is about his way cool awesome global citizenship.  to start with, this is what he has to say on his GoFundMe page.......

Starting this fall, I will be traveling back to Nepal to start a long-term volunteer trip.  In addition to reconnecting with Support the Children Nepal, an orphanage I spent 5 weeks with in 2011, I hope to travel through Asia and South America, volunteering most of my time to people and communities in need of help.  

100% of the funds raised through this site will be used to purchase basic necessities for those in need: clothing, hygiene products, food, medicine, etc.  All personal expenses will be paid for out of my own pocket.  

As I have with past trips, I will be blogging my travels at  

While my goal is to get 750 people to donate just $10 each, I'll accept any donation in any amount you are willing to make.  Your generosity would be greatly appreciated!  More times than not, a little goes an awfully long way in developing countries. 
in five months time, he has raised $3551 for this adventure.  how frickin' cool is that?!   i've donated and knew I had to do something else. and here is my something else:

our city has a marathon it is hosting and mile 22/23 runs right down my street, past my home.  on aug 24th, it was my intention to host a "spectator party" and invite friends & family over to join the fun & festiveness that is spectating a marathon.  (think lots of cow bell, clapping, vocal encouragement)  seth also is a fantastic athlete and i have had the pleasure of spectating ironman wi for the last two years as he participates.  so, what did my thoughts turn to as i brought together spectating, seth's IM journey, and his volunteering???  Um, let's host a breakfast and have people pay to spectate my my home.  i can do this small thing to bring some extra $ into his fund to make a difference in the lives of someone who lives a very different life than i do.  i don't have a set goal, but i hope to raise at least $100 for his adventure and know that he will put that money to good use.  i trust his judgement 100% and i can feel great about helping him (and others) in a small manner.

rock on, my friend.

Monday, August 5, 2013

friends 2.0

i have such gratitude for the lovely friends in my life.  you are my lifeline and i don't know that any of you know that.  for so long i have pushed people away and that gets really fucking lonely.  but as i have grown and learned about myself, i have come to accept who i am and to put myself out there for the friends in my life.  it is not easy for me, but it is part of my personal growth mission.  and i certainly do not tell these individuals enough how much they mean to me.

i received a lovely card from a long time friend earlier this year after i shared very private things here.  this is a friend whom i do not get time with much at all, but that card made me feel.  i cried, i stopped breathing, and i felt loved.  by someone who didn't have to give it or share her appreciation for my sharing.  and i did not properly thank her (wasn't sure how).  L, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  i will never forget that kindness.  i am so thankful you have graced my life.

for my pal S, thank you for setting me straight when i get in the funk and for setting a positive example of a fabulous human being.  in the 4+ years we've know each other, you have taught me to be more kind, more understanding, and just simply how to be a better life force.  your dedication to helping others is one helluvah example.  we've had less time for chats since we no longer work in the same office, but please know i hold you in high esteem.  and that's all i'm going to say as it will make us both uncomfortable if keep going.  :)

for my vagina buddies...seriously, thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling.  for reminding me to not take myself too seriously.  K, for helping me be more "out" socially and encouraging me to grow as a dancer, as a friend, and more.  your attitude is always refreshing and bubbly, and your sparkles are something i want to have more of in my life.  M, thank you for allowing me to be real and calling bullshit when it needs to be.  you make me want to be more educated, more articulate, more of a deep-thinker.  and you encourage that, which is awesome to have in a friend.  what would i do without our vagina time?

R, for the friend who gets me without me having to speak.  we can not talk for weeks and pick right up where we left off.  we can have a deep discussion without being too deep.  you respect my beliefs and experiences and i thank you so much for that.  really, i cannot express how much it means to me.  thank you for being my first panera date and for being silly with me at IM, or just in general. 

i love you all.  thank you for allowing me to be me, for helping me be a better me, and for encouraging me to be myself, my authentic self.

lusting after

I am seriously crushing on these.....Red Toms

Sunday, August 4, 2013


"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. "
~Henri Nouwen