friends 2.0

i have such gratitude for the lovely friends in my life.  you are my lifeline and i don't know that any of you know that.  for so long i have pushed people away and that gets really fucking lonely.  but as i have grown and learned about myself, i have come to accept who i am and to put myself out there for the friends in my life.  it is not easy for me, but it is part of my personal growth mission.  and i certainly do not tell these individuals enough how much they mean to me.

i received a lovely card from a long time friend earlier this year after i shared very private things here.  this is a friend whom i do not get time with much at all, but that card made me feel.  i cried, i stopped breathing, and i felt loved.  by someone who didn't have to give it or share her appreciation for my sharing.  and i did not properly thank her (wasn't sure how).  L, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  i will never forget that kindness.  i am so thankful you have graced my life.

for my pal S, thank you for setting me straight when i get in the funk and for setting a positive example of a fabulous human being.  in the 4+ years we've know each other, you have taught me to be more kind, more understanding, and just simply how to be a better life force.  your dedication to helping others is one helluvah example.  we've had less time for chats since we no longer work in the same office, but please know i hold you in high esteem.  and that's all i'm going to say as it will make us both uncomfortable if keep going.  :)

for my vagina buddies...seriously, thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling.  for reminding me to not take myself too seriously.  K, for helping me be more "out" socially and encouraging me to grow as a dancer, as a friend, and more.  your attitude is always refreshing and bubbly, and your sparkles are something i want to have more of in my life.  M, thank you for allowing me to be real and calling bullshit when it needs to be.  you make me want to be more educated, more articulate, more of a deep-thinker.  and you encourage that, which is awesome to have in a friend.  what would i do without our vagina time?

R, for the friend who gets me without me having to speak.  we can not talk for weeks and pick right up where we left off.  we can have a deep discussion without being too deep.  you respect my beliefs and experiences and i thank you so much for that.  really, i cannot express how much it means to me.  thank you for being my first panera date and for being silly with me at IM, or just in general. 

i love you all.  thank you for allowing me to be me, for helping me be a better me, and for encouraging me to be myself, my authentic self.

nails

I used to have a bit of a problem with nail polish, but it has been years since that was the case.  However, I think I am getting back into the swing of things.....

This is my drawer with the nail goodies.  This is something I have been getting back into that is purely for me.  It puts me in touch with the feminine goddess inside me and allows some expression in a creative manner.  I have been keeping up with my toes most of the time and have been showing some TLC to my nails.  And it's been awesome.  I love it and it makes me happy.  I have struggled with embracing doing things just for me and this is something I can do that is subtle and does not take a great deal of time.

something new

i have been working to find some new things to try and at the same time, receive a positive benefit from. and after much talking with friends and new people i've met, i am giving yoga a try.  okay, let me rephrase..i intend to give yoga a try. 

i had the most wonderful conversation with a really neat lady the other week, she is a yoga instructor and someone i think i could really learn and grow from.  i have a few friends who are really into yoga and one of them has been trying to bring it into the clients we serve at our place of employment. 

i am looking for something that allows me to connect with myself on a deeper and, quite frankly, better level.  Something that has me focusing on breathing, possibly meditation.  i am scared shitless i will not be able to do this for some reason.  completely irrational, i know, but it's something new and slightly intimidating and i am excited to try it.

ps.  everytime i typed yoga, i typed 'yoda' first....must be innate.  :)

Universe talking

Someone shared with me that one can sign up to receive emails from the Universe.  And I promptly did so and I LURVE them something mucho.  You can enter things you want to "work on" when you sign up and each weekday morning I open my email to find a note from the Universe, which usually makes me smile and/or laugh.

Here is a random sampling from this last week's emails for me....

Everyone's scared, Denise.
Few carry on.
Keep calm,
    The Universe

Sometimes the best way to remain sane, Denise, is to love like crazy.
Works for me,
    The Universe

When you tough it out, hold the line, and stay the course, Denise, I promise you there will soon come a day when you look back over your shoulder, shake your head in dismay, and seriously wonder what all the fuss was about.
Just like all the other times,
    The Universe 

I seriously dig these messages.  They allow me to reaffirm some things I am working on with myself and cause me to think a bit deeper, or to even not think too damn deep.  Some days are spot fucking on for what I am feeling at that moment.  In the couple of months I have been receiving these, there was only one that I went "eh" to and that's pretty cool. 

I am also working to develop my own personal mantra, which is harder than one would think.  This is an exercise I am doing with my counselor and sounds cool & exciting when first talking about it, but is something I'm find much more difficult than I imagined it would be.  Who do I want to be?  Who am I already?  How do I truly see myself?  How do I want to see myself going forward?   Where do I fit in in this Universe?

a load of thankfulness

soooo, here goes a truck load of thankfulness.  be patient with me.  and read them all, i may sneak a gut-buster in there.  #you never know.


7 - i am really freakin' thankful for my iPhone.  completely rubbish thing to be thankful for, but i just love it.  so very much. 

8 - i unplugged from technology (besides our dvd & tv) for more hours than i expected to this last week.  it was full of awesomeness.  and i didn't miss it. 

9 - tonight i am very thankful for my large hospital mug i got when the boy child was in the hospital in jan.  it holds a fantastic amount of liquids.  could be a mixed drink or could be water, either way i can suck on that baby for a long time.  (did you laugh at that one?)

10 - i am extremely thankful that i am not ill.  my husband, on the other hand, is.  and somehow it is just as painful for me.

11 - we had a very bountiful thanksgiving meal and for that i am thankful.  thankful we could provide that for our family.  thanksgiving has not been a huge deal in my family, but we've carved (ha ha!) out our own little tradition in the last few years.

12 - i am incredibly thankful for friends who can make me laugh.  you know who you are.  the lightheartedness means more to me than you can ever know.

13 - the hubster, even though he is waaaayy annoying today with his illness, i am thankful for him.  we have weathered some really big storms and i know life is not easy with me, thanks for working with me to make this crazy life of ours work the best way for us.  i am not perfect and i make mistakes, but you have stuck by me and i appreciate that.

14 - i adore the movies.  and having gone to the movies twice within one week is spectacular!  the upcoming months will prove to be just as delightful with many movies on my "want-to-see" list.  nothing like the big screen.

15 - tampons are awesome.  i want to give thanks that pads are not part of my monthly attire.  (sorry, guys)  (ladies, you know what i am talking about)

16 - we are heading out on vacation this next week and i am very thankful about many a things about that vacay.  16A:  my dad's delta points getting us airfare  16B:  people watching at Disney, there's simply nothing better   16C:  the holidays at Disney, extra magical    16D:  no work for the week!

17 - my cousin and her partner are having a shindig next fall.  and they asked me to be a part of it.  how freakin' awesome, and i am so thankful for the both of them.  i have always supported marriage equality, however having those two in my life has allowed myself to grow with my support for equality.  i am thankful nikki has found the one and vice versa.  they make each other better people and are just plain fun to be around.

18 - my mom came across my grandfather's wedding band and she gave it to me last week.  while my grandparents divorced shortly after i was born and i do not recall them being together, i am very appreciative of the token.  something to keep on my person, if i wish, that is tangible.  he's been gone for 18 years. 

19 - i have chosen to look at my preeclampsia experience with gratitude.  i have met some amazing individuals as a result of my involvement with the PF and have been involved in some AWEsome things as a result.  i am able to appreciate my life and my children in a way I could never have dreamed of before.

20 - i am weird.  and i like it.  i never imagined being thankful for not usually being the odd person out, but in the last few years (in particular this year) i have embraced this and myself.  if you do not like it or accept me for who i am, that is your issue not mine.  i am a geek who loves star wars and lotr, a nerd who loves to read.  and acceptance is a beautiful thing.

21 - choices, i am so very thankful for choices.  we have the ability to make choices about our lives.  choices that lead us into a different direction, choices that may be the most difficult we ever make, choices on simple things.  not everyone may support those choices, but they are ours to make and ours alone. 

alright, i think that is it for tonight.  my attention span is beginning to wane.

swim bike run

three days until ironman wi.  and i cannot wait.  i am thrilled to be in attendance again this year and support my pal & all the other athletes.  this year, we know more what to expect and how to be better spectators.  it is going to be an awesome time!

many things

several things rank high on the happy meter today.  it was the first day of school for the halfings and it went well.  no notes home (or phone calls) on the younger halfing and the eldest is super happy that the subjects of math and social studies do not begin until next week.  i have been anxious about the school year for both as they have both had some issues over the summer, but today the school year started off great.  i also worked my schedule to not work today, i got some shopping done, had lunch with J and got some computer work done this afternoon.  it was amazing.

i had the mop on my head lobbed off this morning.  i love my new do' and it feels amazing. 

ironman wi is just days away.  need i say more?  i am excited to get my spectator on!

i just read that over 5000 households are without power in our area this evening after a storm rolled through.  i am very thankful and happy that we are not one of them.  simple, right? 

back to school

it's back to school time tomorrow!  yay!!  i am hopeful, anxious, and excited for the school year to start.  i am looking forward to having them back in a much more steady routine and having some additional time to get shit done at home. 

getting hair cut tomorrow.  i cannot wait!!!

thankful for mostly good health

today i am simply thankful for good health.  yes, i am overweight and not in awesome shape.  but i do not have the worries some do as they wage a battle against cancer or some other health issue. 

anniversary

today is our wedded anniversary.  14 years of wedded bliss.  okay so it's probably more like 12 years of wedded "bliss" and 2 years of "something else" totaling it up.  we have had our ups and downs, and more downs recently, but we have worked together and attempted to stay communicating the best we can.  my partner has his moments (as do i) but we make the best we can out of each day.  what more can you ask for?

fish nickels

yes, i am fully aware i have not posted anything in the last three days.  it's been one heck of a weekend, but focusing on the positive has mostly remained strong.  here are the hilights and the lowlights of the last several days.

• both kids have been diagnosed with adhd and we now have both on medication.  (no judgements, if you want to expound about how i shouldn't put my kids on meds, you can quite frankly go shit yourself.)  kidlet 1 has been on meds for some time and the other will start tomorrow.  and i am really crossing my fingers for some positive reaction for kidlet 2.  he really could use it. 
• i seriously am about crafted out after hitting several projects for J's party this weekend.  but i have some artwork to create yet for the following weekend as i participate in the fun sport of Ironman WI spectatorship.
• i do not really talk about my side business much, but i do just have to post a slight rant.  it will make me feel better.  if you are going to contact a travel agent to book your trip and that person indicates that they will monitor for discounts, you do not need to email that person twice in one day to ask about the discount.  that person has taken care of it but has not had the opportunity to email you yet. 
• a friend found out she has a softball size tumor on her uterus last week and will be heading into surgery near the end of this week.  that sucks.  no other words for it.  hoping with all that i have that it is nothing and the surgery is the end of it for her.
• watching Ironman Louisville last evening (thanks to my IM pal, Sep).  what a freaking amazing experience.  it makes me even more excited for Sept 9th
• i read a fb status today in which a child declared "fish nickels" as an expletive and after a session with the developmental pediatrician this morning and further tweaking a plan for kidlet 2, we were in need of a expletive to say as he has been saying some other choice word.  and our family has now adopted "fish nickels" as our family swear word.  it makes me giggle which is the point.  hopefully it will do the same for him.

between a lack of sleep, a crabby-ass partner, a kid with a motor revved on MAX this week...i am ready either dissolve into laughter or tears.  i keep hoping for laughter.  :)  and so onto the next day i go.

long day

i do not have much energy this evening and not sure why i am feeling so flippin' bushed, but it has been a long day.  and one that i am simply thankful to be breathing. 

that is all.

Crazy kid

hard to find

gratitude and happiness at this exact moment are difficult to find.  earlier today, however, was a different experience.  we spent 4 hours at the pool today, doing absolutely nothing.  it was amazing.  i got some reading done, observed some hairstyle ideas (dying to cut it again), and worked on more color (yes, i know tanning is bad for me).  but it was an awesomely perfect afternoon.

less stress

today's gratitude/happiness snapshot is of my new job.  i love the fact that the biggest stressor of my job is a volunteer who gets territorial about their "job" that they donate their time for.  gone are the days of almost daily stress headaches, feeling beat down on a regular basis, feeling not valued by my management team.  now i am told on a regular basis how happy my supervisor is to have me here and i have freedom to try and do new things or to put an updated spin on an "old" way of doing something.  i have freedom to be myself and not censor myself with management for the most part.  i love it.

mental at the dental

today i am thankful and appreciative of dental insurance.  i had to have a cavity taken care of that i have been putting off for 6+ months.  it is the last tooth on the bottom right side, on the inside of the tooth.  the dentist remarked it was one of the most difficult areas to work on.  once the lower half of my face was feeling three times the normal size and nice & tingly, she set to work.  my throat was partially numb and they had to push my tongue out of the way which resulted in a sensation of my throat being closed off.  i could breathe through my nose and had to stay focused to breath in & out to not freak the heck out.  thankfully she took breaks so i could breath through my mouth and feel as if i was catching my breath.  i am glad it is over and super happy to have dental insurance to help cover the cost of this dental adventure.

positivity

positivity is something i have been lacking for some time.  i thought i was on an upswing with it, but after a few lovely chats with various friends over the last two weeks i was reminded that negativity persists.  and so i am on a mission to post at least one positive thing in my daily life for the next 30 days.  and to keep me on it, i am pledging to donate $1 towards a organization that i do NOT support due to conflicting personal views on a personal issue.  the name of the organization i will keep to myself, but i would dread to make a donation to it.  sounds like such positive talk right?  well, it is going to provide some additional motivation.

i am struggling to remain positive throughout the day and avoid letting the little things get to me.  i am tired of whining/complaining and wish to be more gracious for the awesome things i do have in my life. i started a happiness (i just typed happenis and corrected it, not sure where that falls in my positive thoughts today)before and will pick it back up again.

today i am grateful for the following things:  a roof over my head, children who are magical and believe in magic, the internet, and seeing bright stars all weekend.

what is it i'm really feeling?

i am at a point in my life where i attempting to feel more content, but when i do a self check-in during the day i find myself feeling discontented.  and i hate it.  so i have been trying to make peace with where my life choices have led me, accept things the way they are and change the items i can change.  i know when i feel discontented i isolate and that is probably not the best thing, but i tend to hibernate as i attempt to figure shit out.  acceptance is my life lesson this summer and something i have tended to stumble with in recent years.  i am at a moment where i am also reviewing if things are the way i'd like them to be with my life and what i can possibly do to change them.

something i have really striven to do is to take moments of time and appreciate them more.   i have tried so fucking hard to lighten up and just be crazy and live in the moment, even if that means yelling "vagina" at the top of my lungs in movie theater parking lot with great friends.  not taking things in my life for granted and loving the things i have fully is also on the to do list.  and i know the list will not be accomplished overnight.  but it's there and it's something i will endeavor to work on each day.

i'll leave you with this awesome photo i saw posted on fb the other day.... (not sure of the original poster of this photo, but whoever you are....THANK YOU)

vacation happiness

this weeks happiness is brought to you by the letter a and the number 199.

a is for airlines.....flights are booked for our june vacay!!!

199 is for the number of days left to go until we take to the skies.  

it is one of those weeks where the small things need to be celebrated.

weekend fun & happiness

we had our ups and downs this weekend, but we did get out for a fun walk and i snagged some photos....