Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let down

I am so disappointed and pissed off at the moment.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Brighter Day

I feel so much better today.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Which end is up

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with everything it seems. I feel like I never have enough time in the day to finish what I want or need to get down, and if I have a free 30 minutes I'm so frickin' tired all I want to do is sit on my ass.

Going back to work has been a huge change for me and for our family. Things started out okay, then hit a major bump, got better and now I feel like it's off track again. Things are not working like they should and I just don't know what to do. I knew it was time for me to head back to work, and to be honest, we can't afford for me not to work anymore especially if we want to hit the big goals of a house, etc. I am having tremendous difficulty finding a balance and time management. I'm sucking majorly on all accounts. And if there is one thing to throw me into a tailspin it's repeated or lengthy failure. And that's where I've been lately.

I feel as if I'm failing with everything. Work, parenting, being a spouse, being a friend, etc. I am so overwhelmed at times, I have a minor meltdown and cry it out for a few minutes. I don't know how some people do it, they make life seem so effortless. And here I am struggling to clean my fucking toilet. Maybe people just pretend they are superhuman. I'm exhausted and angry with myself for not having willpower to stop eating chips & dip and actually get off my ass to exercise. I saw a billboard yesterday. One of those "Pass it on" posters, it had a guy who climbed Mt Everest. Blind. And I thought to myself, christ Denise. If this guy can climb a goddamn mountain blind, what the hell is wrong with you that you can't even walk a block for exercise. Just another twisted thought in my warped senses right now.

I had an ah-ha moment the other day when I figured out what's been eating at me for a few days now. Can't, or won't, talk about it here. But it makes sense and ultimately helps me work through it. I know this is something that is affecting me in a strong manner right now and I really need to just fucking deal with it. I thought I had, but apparently I haven't as well as I thought I did.

I've lost my mojo. I don't know what I have to do to get it back. I feel selfish taking time to do shit for myself, but I know that's how I recharge. The lack of communication at home right now is atrocious. We talk at each other, snipping and snapping, not talking with each other. I'm sure he doesn't feel supported and neither do I. I'm tired of being pissy. My positivity has flown the coop. And that has always been something that has stuck with me.

I will probably be taking a hiatus here for a bit while things work through. I'd love to vent and completely share, but there are eyes that read this that will judge and are too close family-wise. I've actually thought about stopping this blog or making it private as sometimes I feel like I can't be completely honest anymore without hurting someones feelings or pissing someone off. But I love my blog name too much to give it up. Maybe someday I can stop caring so much about what other people think and just don't give a damn. But until then....

Thank you guys for sticking with me while I've been MIA over the last how many months. I know I haven't been the best of bloggy buds with visiting everyone and commenting. But I love y'all.


The orange was driving me batty, so I'm back to a paler color. Working on another (better) photo)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

New look?

I'm trying out some new colors, playing around some. Just because. The new photo is kinda gross now that I see it that blown up. My nail polish is chipping off. Hmm, maybe I'll shoot for a new photo this weekend. Sorry if feet gross you out.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Father's Day

Came across a cute article at CNN about Father's Day. Some parts are quite true and others more humorous.

For those out there who will be celebrating Father's Day with your partners....whatcha gettin' 'em?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Relief & Pride

Ariana started summer camp today. With baited breath I awaited this day, not sure of her attitude and what it would bring as the day came. We talked about it in a positive manner, but knowing how she reacts to new things I just wasn't sure. But she was a rock star, she didn't say she was scared until we were walking into the building. No fear last night or this morning at home. I'm so proud of her, and was so filled with relief I felt sort of guilty. She had a blast at her first day and cannot wait to go back again tomorrow.

This child continues to amaze me. And confound me. But for all the lows, the highs are so darn high and fantastic. And she's mine. I love her even when I'm thinking I could sell her.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Dead Weight

This title would be pretty descriptive of how I feel lately. Blah. Tired. Just want to crawl in bed and lay there. All day.

I'm coming down off my overwhelmed high of the walk and the busy month of May and entered my depressive state. It doesn't help that I'm on some new medication that may also seem to be assisting with fatigue.

My periods have been way whacked out for the past several months and after some checking with the doctor (gotta love the surprise gyno exam) and a rather lengthy ultrasound (findings: I have a large uterus and a cyst on one of my ovaries), he wants to put me on birth control to regulate my period. Shazaam. I don't need damn birth control anymore, dammit! My husband has been fixed! But I'm willing to give it a shot, or a ring in my case, to see if this will help out.

I'm just starting my second month on the ring and I hate it. Apparently, my odd size uterus also causes issues with my vagina. And the placement of the ring. The small print that comes with the packaging states that the ring may slip out during a bowel movement and that very low percentage of people can feel the ring up in the great wide openness that is my who-haw. But I can and it slipped out. Seriously, what a pain in the ass. Or should I say vagina?

Beyond the placement issues, I think this thing is causing my fatigue, nausea, leg pain, and a couple other small symptoms. And it just plain sucks. I'm thinking I should finish out the month to give it a go, but the leg pain could be a sign of blood clots, which isn't all that good. I occasionally get cramps in my calf muscle, say 1-3 crying, it hurts so bad, episodes per year. I've had about 5 in the last two weeks. Not so good.

Right now, my plan is to keep, or attempt to keep, the ring in through the week as we are going camping and I'm afraid Aunt Flo will start up again if I take it out. And let's face it, who the hell wants to go camping when you have your period. Double yuck. We get home, I think it's coming out. And I'll be back on the road to finding something that helps my freakin' weirdo body.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

2009 Wausau Preeclampsia Walk

The Preeclampsia Awareness Walk we hosted was a success! At least, in my book. My goal was to have 25-30 walkers and raise $1500. We had 40 registered walkers, with more kids that didn't pay to walk, and we raised over $2000!! You can still donate online if you wish at Wausau Walk.

We even made the news: WAOW

Thank you to those who sponsored the walk and to those who donated raffle items, they were a hit!! And a big shout out to the bellydancers!
Here are some highlights....

Friday, June 5, 2009

Walk is tomorrow

Our preeclampsia awareness walk is tomorrow!!!!

One of Those Days

This morning on my way to daycare and then work, I hit every stoplight I hit was green. That is a pretty AWEsome thing and I figured it would be a great day.

Then I went to that evil W place. And they were training a new employee on the registers. In the express lane.

WHAT?! Yes, I am serious. Training registers in the express lane. Let's just say it gave new meaning to the words express lane.

Then in the parking lot, some witchy woman is behind another car whom is waiting for spot. The car that was backing up was taking a bit longer than that witchy woman liked and she went to town on her horn. Lady, take a pill. One more minute is not going to kill you.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the day is like.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Happy (belated) Birthday to my Little Guy

Phoenix turned 3 on May 22. And yes, I forgot to blog. Or didn't have time to. I can't believe he's three. It seems like he was just born and now he's this little monster, oops, I mean angel. His personality is definitely coming out more and more.