My pride and joys

Time Goes On

I've visited my blog a couple times over the last month, but just haven't had the heart to post. I feel as if I have nothing to say when I sit down, even if there are moments during the day I think about sharing something.

I'll share some highlights, and lowlights, from recent weeks.

And thank you to those who have kept visiting, even if I have been a major turd.

Love ya!

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**My baby girl earned her High Yellow belt in karate on Oct 17th.

She is a rock star and I adore her. She is quite good at sparring, which should come as no surprise as I watch her fight with her brother. There are still a few hiccups along the way, but gosh darn it....the girl is good. And I want her to keep on doing this. The fine line between encouragement and pushing has become apparent at our home with karate. It's something that I tend to fall more on the encouragement side and Jason falls on the pushing side. We balance each other out, I guess.

As they drove to the studio tonight, about a block away Ariana stated she hated karate and didn't want to do it anymore. Jason told her she needed to go as they were almost there. She got to class and loved it. Talked about all the fun she had. He shared the experience with me and I took her by herself to discuss it. With no pressure. She thinks it's fun and wants to earn her Green Belt next, eventually getting to her Black Belt. When I asked her what that meant, she said she cannot quit. And recited the phrase, "A black belt is a white belt who never quit." I was so proud of her at that moment.

We'll see how class tomorrow goes. She could potentially have her first tournament on Nov 7th.

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*Ariana and her math homework -- she struggled at first with math, but has seemed to come into her own with it. I was so fearful that she was going to struggle and watching her at first was heartbreaking. Her perfectionism was killing her. And me. Let's just say I spent some nights in tears.

But she has improved and quite honestly, I'm surprised at how well she has been doing because of her struggles at first. She's naming off the answer like nothing.

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*Phoenix switched to a new classroom at daycare that is more preschool based back in Sept. That didn't go to well either. They do this behavior reward thing where have a flower on their cubby and if they misbehave the flower gets taken away. This child had many more days of a flowerless cubby than a flowered cubby upon pickup. Piss me off, and kind of befuddling. His other teachers never said anything about him not listening or being rowdy. Sure, I know the kid has boundless energy. I guess now that he's expected to be more student-like it's an issue. But come on, the kids are 3. Eventually, he figured it out (add in a change in the flower reward--the kids could earn it back later in the day, along with a teacher change) and my little buddy has earned the Megatron transformer we told him we'd buy him if he got 5 flowers in a row. (That took a while, let me tell ya.)

So, now we have a cross dressing Megatron walking around the house, being silly like usual.

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*My dad had a cancer check up last week. He had a scope last Wed and the doc said things look great. We are still waiting on lab tests, but it sounds promising. Take that cancer! Just hoping it continues to stay away. With the recurrence rate so high, it worries me, but I can't dwell on that.

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*Jason and I have had our issues over the last weeks, hell...months. Communication has been lacking and we are working on it. We're both so tired that we snap at each other and then the other gets pissed off. I can't tell you how many nights I wanted to sleep on the couch or cried tears in the bathroom. Marriage is a work in progess, and it's been a little bumpy lately. We need to step up our game when it comes to the kids, to our home, to ourselves. And I know we can.

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*We had the pleasure and opportunity to attend the Preeclampsia Foundation's annual fundraising gala, Saving Grace: A Night of Hope this past weekend in Chicago. It's always a treat to see old faces and to meet in person others you've chatted online with. The night was fun and highly emotional. (I've got a post for that coming too). Lots of tears, lots. It was a successful evening, and I am so grateful we were able to attend.

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*My other big time-taker-upper is work. My day job has been exhausting. What the fuck is so hard about following rules people? You screwed up and broke the law, now pay your toll and get off probation. We were many hats with this job: agent turns into social worker, couples counselor, life coach, miracle worker. And it can be draining if one doesn't figure out how to balance it. Which I'm working on. I haven't been all that successful lately, but it's improving. There is never a dull day, that's for sure.

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Well those are our family highlights. I'm preparing an emotional post, one that I'm scared yet anxious to write. I've got some major things happening at work, then it's on it's way.

Sleep tight all, may your dreams be sweet and saucy.

Happy (belated) Birthday to my Little Guy

Phoenix turned 3 on May 22. And yes, I forgot to blog. Or didn't have time to. I can't believe he's three. It seems like he was just born and now he's this little monster, oops, I mean angel. His personality is definitely coming out more and more.

Some more randoms

Ariana receiving her Citizen of the Month award


Taking Steps Against Violence - 5K Run/Walk



Argh....it's a band of pirates!

May. Hope. And Preeclampsia.

May is Preeclampsia Awareness Month.

May is a month of celebration at our home with both kids being born in May. They were supposed to both be Junebugs, but were Mayflies instead. Most of you know our story. Ariana born just prior to 35 weeks due to HELLP Syndrome, 4lbs, spending over two weeks in the NICU. Phoenix born at 37 weeks due to gestational hypertension, 5lbs 6oz. Because of their May birthdays, I feel especially tied to this cause.

I'm immensely thankful that both my babies were here with me. Some are not so lucky and my heart breaks for each baby that is lost to complications from this horrible condition. Preeclampsia has been around for thousands of years and yet there is still no cure. And the cause, while theories abound, is still unknown. We made the choice to not have more children due to preeclampsia concerns. The risk is just too great.

I hate knowing that my daughter, should she grow up and decide to become a mommy herself, will have to be concerned about preeclampsia due to family history. I HOPE there is a cure before then. I hope a cure is found soon, so moms and babies no longer have to suffer. My heart aches each time I learn of someone who has been tragically touched by preeclampsia.

Our family invites you to walk with us as we raise awareness for preeclampsia on June 6th. I have braved my fears and hesitation to host our own local event, which I am incredibly excited for. Even if you can't make it with us that day, you can walk where ever you are or even virtually with us. Please consider making a donation to help find a cure. To register or make a donation, visit:

Wausau Preeclampsia Awareness Walk

I know times are lean for many, but even $5 makes a difference. In honor of my children and those fellow preeclampsia survivors, some who experienced unimaginable heartbreak. Thank you.

Denise & Family

Our Preeclampsia Babies

My fellow PE bloggers:

A Little Pregnant

My Miracle Boys

Baby Tea Leaves

Gilded In Grace

Bubbles & Ducks

House of Tafka

In The Eyes of a Survivor

Life Death Preeclampsia

Our Life in Holland

Life Without Ellie

Mothers Who Write

Mr. Spits

My Journey to Myles and Beyond

Team Killion

Mom of 2 Girls

Alpha Girls

Uppercase Woman

Why I Failed Math

Dead Baby Jokes

Kayleigh

Little Bluebirds

Growing With Micro-Preemie Challenges

* If I missed anyone, let me know.

My Children

Could Have Been...

Occasionally when I'm pulling up Phoenix's underpants or pull up, I'll snap the band against his...well, you know. Penis. Not on purpose, it's a complete accident and I've learned that I have to bring the front out and up rather than just up like with a girl. When the unfortunate "mom wants to geld you" situation happens, Phoenix usually scolds, "Don't hurt my penis mommy." Lovely.

This hasn't occurred for a while now, but today in the local bookstore, my son decides to hop off the toilet and yell "Don't hurt my penis, mommy!" Oye. Thankfully no one was in there. That could have been an odd moment.

Just Because...

My kids are cute.

One the Eve

To my children,

Tomorrow, this country will elect it's 44th President of the United States. This election holds something special for this country. We have an African American as a Presidential candidate and a female as a VP candidate. How freakin' cool is that?! I am awed that it has taken this long to get either as a top candidate. Mystified and in some ways disappointed. We've come so far, but still have such a long way to go. Voting is a priviledge, and one each citizen should take advantage of. Be an educated voter and select a candidate for the reasons that matter to you, not just because of a party affiliation.

I had planned to take you to vote with me on Tuesday, and to take our photos at the polling place together. Something that you could look back on in 10, 20, or 30 years and say "Hey, I was there the day history was made." I had to vote early and I am sad about not being able to share that moment. I know we could have done a better job of perhaps talking more about the election process, but it's hard to know what a five year old can understand sometimes. And things I tried to explain to you, you didn't seem to understand. But then you came home from school with knowledge on voting. Excellent. We've taken you along to vote when you were babes and were not aware of what was going on. I hope that in the years to come, you show interest in voting, and caring about what goes on in this country.

I read a quote in the paper this morning that read, "Plan for the future because that's where you are going to spend the rest of your life" by Mark Twain. I hope we can show you in the coming years that yes, your opinion matters. Even if you think it doesn't, trust me it does. It's okay to be passionate about what you believe in. And still respect and be respectful of others with differing opinions. The thing is when you vote, no matter who you vote for, there are several millions other voters who voted for the other candidate. And that's okay. I hope when you are old enough to vote, differences are discussed rationally and not made with accusatsion. Which is something I feel this country has lost along the way in recent years.

I hope when you turn 18 and can vote in your first election, you are as excited as I was for that first "biggie" election. I still find it just as exciting today. We are able to be part of a process that concerns this country. What an awesome life opportunity.

I hope that your dad and I can be impartial and not be too heavy hitting with our own personal views in politics when we talk with you. I want each of you to be independent thinkers who are open to new ideas and discussions. I won't ever tell you who to vote for, you will be able to make up your own mind. You need to make the decision based on your thoughts and feelings, not mine. I hope you are someone who cares about others, gets involved in causes important to you, etc. You can be a force. That this can show you that you CAN be President (although I really wouldn't want you to run for office). You can be ANYTHING you want to be.

I have high hopes for your futures, and this election does pertain to your futures. It affects you in ways you cannot imagine as a child.

Love,
mommy

Oye

Today was a bit more rough at drop-off. He clung to me and did not want me to leave. As I walked out the door he was screaming and crying "mommy." It was really fucking hard to keep walking, and needless to say I cried more than two blocks today.

sigh. I hope tomorrow goes better. I'm not the only freakazoid mommy who's been this emotional am I? Please tell me those of you who have been through this that there were days like this too. I'm feeling a bit fragile this week and could use the encouragement. If you were super mom and left without it being hard, lie to me please.

Only Two Blocks Worth

Phoenix was so excited to head to "school" this morning. He was off and running when we walked into the room. It came close to me begging for a kiss & hug as he was too busy exploring and having fun. I think leaving without some lovin' from my buddy would have broke my heart. Thankfully, with some encouragement from his teacher, he came running with his arms wide open and those lovely slobbery lips. I made it out the door and to the van, all the while my throat is constricting and I'm blinking back the tears. I had parked near the big window in their room and he was there waving goodbye to me. I waved and blew him kisses, and got some in return. After three air kisses and five waves, I figured I'd better drive off or I'd never leave. (well, I would have eventually) That's when I let the tears fall. The tears lasted two blocks worth and then I was done.

He's my little man. My buddy who calls out for "mommy" when he's hurt or scared. Who gives big squishy hugs and wet sloppy kisses. And while I'm enjoying my free time over the next couple days before I start work, I miss him.

I've only thought about Phoenix, oh, at least once an hour. Hoping he's being a good boy and listening well, and having a blast. I think this is so much harder as it's another goodbye to the days of young babyhood for me. There will be no more babies or toddlers for our family. I'm returning to work for, conceivably, many moons to come. I also know the day is coming when I will have to beg for that hug & kiss, when he says I'm embarrassing him, etc. While some of the days have seems like years, the years have passed all too quickly. I told myself to cherish the little things and enjoy the moments when they were babes. I know there have been times that I have not listened to that and it makes me sad for those lost moments. I know I can never get them back, but I can make a much better effort in the future.

I know our family is changing now with the start of school for Ariana, and Phoenix starting daycare. My children don't need me 24/7 and while there are moments I'm incredibly thankful for that, it still makes me sad. I want them to be self-reliant, responsible, respectful, and know that they have two parents who love them endlessly. I want to show my daughter that women can be smart and independent. I want my son to know that he can grow up to be a wonderful man who cherishes those he loves. I want my children to grow up knowing they can be anything they can be. Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

So, while I may have gotten emotional writing this, I'm happy to report that I only cried for two blocks worth so far.

Here's a much lighter post

I don't think I've posted these before. Even if I did...they are worth the second look. This is my child. My special child. We were goofing around with a pair of tanning goggles and I couldn't resist pulling out the camera.

Future Heart Breaker

Okay, this one might be a deal breaker, not a heart breaker.

The case of the missing keys

Some little guy that lives here found my keys to be a delightful toy yesterday afternoon. Yay. Fun. Great. Now they are missing. Since then. Jason took a precursory look last night and nada. One keyed up momma ransacked the bedroom of said child this morning and nothing.

Crap. And the children, who I gave birth to, won't help hunt for them. Even after offering money, still no help.

Found 'em. They were way back under the love seat and I found them with a flashlight.

Something New

For the last few weeks, Phoenix has developed this "scared" thing. It's something new, completely out of the blue. When it's time for bed, whether it's naptime or bedtime, he freaks out now when you put him in the crib. You mention nap or bedtime and he freaks. "Scared, scared." Before this, he was so easy to put to bed. Maybe too easy.

Once you get him in the crib, he screams and screams. Then screams some more. We have no clue what he's scared of. He's not showing any signs of seperation anxiety during the day, so I'm not sold that that could be what this possibly is. The kids have a lamp on in their room at bedtime, and we turn it off after they are asleep when we got to bed. And once that's off, the nighlight (adjustable) is on full-blast.

So, my fellow moms. What the hell do we do? Is this just a phase? I'm at a loss.

When it gets quiet, I get worried

The children have struck again. They were playing hide & seek with me this morning, and they were basically hanging out in the bathtub behind the curtain while I went from room to room "looking" for them. Then I was rinsing some dishes while they played in the tub, sans water. Then I noticed it was quiet. A bit too quiet for my kids. Which is when trouble is brewing.

They had my half full bottle of shampoo, Biolage which is a bit more costly than Pert, etc, and were dumping it all over the tub. Are you kidding me? Seriously kids, give me a break. They were covered in shampoo and then tried to take off through the house.

While I had them in the tub, with water, to rinse them off, which was a fruitless exercise since the shampoo made more bubbles than the gazillion bubble machine, they kept hopping in and out and splashing.

My bathroom floor is shiny and a bit slippery. The tub is full of bubbles, even after draining. And I have this shampoo smell stuck to my skin. It smells good when I use it on my hair, but it's permeating something awful at the moment.

Can I shit in peace please?!

Seriously. My kids get into the biggest shit when I take 5 minute for a dump. I need to either lock them up, schedule my dump for after bedtime, get rid of all the food in the house, or sell my children.

This was yesterday....



And just now....





How the hell do I get that off the love seat? Freakin' butter, great. I stink like butter and everything is slippery. Fuck.

My kids totally must hate me.

Enjoy your laughter. I hope you all pee yourselves.

WOOHOO!

Phoenix just poo'ed on the potty for the 2nd time this week! Since you've seen the poop master photos on here, you know this is a huge cause for delight for me.

Long Day Ahead

It's 7:47am and the young terror that inhabits my two year old is on his second time out. He throws quite the tantrum when he's pissed.

Dear Child Gods

Please make my youngest halfing stop hitting, taking his poopy diaper off, throwing his food when he's done eating, and also make him sleep through the night. I appreciate his laughter and zest for life, but the poop and hitting is making me long for childless days.

Thank you.

Signed,
A tired, frustrated mommy