Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Only Two Blocks Worth

Phoenix was so excited to head to "school" this morning. He was off and running when we walked into the room. It came close to me begging for a kiss & hug as he was too busy exploring and having fun. I think leaving without some lovin' from my buddy would have broke my heart. Thankfully, with some encouragement from his teacher, he came running with his arms wide open and those lovely slobbery lips. I made it out the door and to the van, all the while my throat is constricting and I'm blinking back the tears. I had parked near the big window in their room and he was there waving goodbye to me. I waved and blew him kisses, and got some in return. After three air kisses and five waves, I figured I'd better drive off or I'd never leave. (well, I would have eventually) That's when I let the tears fall. The tears lasted two blocks worth and then I was done.

He's my little man. My buddy who calls out for "mommy" when he's hurt or scared. Who gives big squishy hugs and wet sloppy kisses. And while I'm enjoying my free time over the next couple days before I start work, I miss him.

I've only thought about Phoenix, oh, at least once an hour. Hoping he's being a good boy and listening well, and having a blast. I think this is so much harder as it's another goodbye to the days of young babyhood for me. There will be no more babies or toddlers for our family. I'm returning to work for, conceivably, many moons to come. I also know the day is coming when I will have to beg for that hug & kiss, when he says I'm embarrassing him, etc. While some of the days have seems like years, the years have passed all too quickly. I told myself to cherish the little things and enjoy the moments when they were babes. I know there have been times that I have not listened to that and it makes me sad for those lost moments. I know I can never get them back, but I can make a much better effort in the future.

I know our family is changing now with the start of school for Ariana, and Phoenix starting daycare. My children don't need me 24/7 and while there are moments I'm incredibly thankful for that, it still makes me sad. I want them to be self-reliant, responsible, respectful, and know that they have two parents who love them endlessly. I want to show my daughter that women can be smart and independent. I want my son to know that he can grow up to be a wonderful man who cherishes those he loves. I want my children to grow up knowing they can be anything they can be. Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

So, while I may have gotten emotional writing this, I'm happy to report that I only cried for two blocks worth so far.


Lyndsey said...

((((hugs)))) They grow so fast. People always tell you that when they're born and it starts to get annoying, but what is even more annoying is how true it really is. It seriously seems like just yesterday that he was born. I remember reading about it and I could swear it was just last week, wasn't it?

Anonymous said...

It's such a quandary, isn't it? The need to let go and the desire to hold on so tight? It's only natural to feel the way you do. {{{hugs}}}