a post with no name

i have been thinking of this post for a week now.  and i just had nor made the time to post.  i think some of it was that i was not ready yet.  but it feels necessary at the moment so here goes.  this will be a long post, a painful post, but it is something i need to do.  i need to put this somewhere and this is my space.  i will be writing about things i have barely said out loud to anyone. ever.  and here i am throwing it out for the whole damn internet to see.

i recently started seeing a therapist to help me deal with some shit that has essentially bubbled up in 2012 and it was getting to the point where i knew i needed to work on resolving things or my life would be taking a serious turn for the worse.  i fully am aware that working on shit that is 36 (almost 37) years in the making is not going to be easy and this is a commitment for the long haul.  but two sessions in and it is way more fucking difficult to face some of this shit than i thought it would be.  turns out that i have been swinging my way to depression and i am much more closer to it than i thought i was.

last year was a year of change and those changes i felt at the time were good changes, which for the most part they were.  however, there are byproducts of those changes that i was not prepared for and it has compounded things.  i left the job that i thought i was going to do for years to come.  a job that was becoming very toxic for me and was harming my health (physically, mentally, and emotionally).  i enjoyed working with most of the clients i had, helping clients facilitate positive changes.  yes, some were not pleasant to work with and others were just a plain pain in the ass, but for the most part i felt like i was making a difference.  with changes that happened and the atmosphere changing, things became toxic there and i had the opportunity to resign and find something else.  a part time job that allows me time to work with the kids and make all of their appointments without missing too much work.  i have looked at it as a good change, even though it was a hard one to make.  what i have forced myself to really look at this last week is how i truly feel about that and it is way more ugly than i want or like.  i feel like i failed.  i went back to school and waited for that job.  and i gave it up.  i forced my family to adjust to a much less income on my part.  the positive is that i do have more time to focus on the kids.  but that's usually not how i tend to look at things.

i am sitting here and the tears are beginning to fall.  the sense of inadequacy is washing over me in waves.  and i am attempting to fight it.  but it is so fucking hard.

at the urging of the therapist, i watched a movie called The Shadow Effect this last week.  and it struck a chord for me.  there is a scene that literally made me freeze and have a choking sensation....a young girl is at a mirror looking at herself with a sweatshirt on.  and she begins to put on another sweatshirt and another and yet another.  each sweatshirt has a word on it and each one represents a mask that she is layering on.  boy, oh boy.  if i fully admit it, that is me.  i have discussed this with J before and talked about the mask of being "happy."  no one can see the pain, no one can see the hurt, no one can seen the joy either ultimately.  the joy has been stifled.  the negativity is weighing me down, it is crushing me.  talking with her and watching that film has encouraged me to really take a deep look at what the hell is going on inside me.  not just my head, not just my heart, but in my gut.  in the deep recesses where i let no one in.  barely even myself.  and what i find is that i believe that i am unworthy.  that i believe i am no one and i have made choices this last year that sabotages my relationships so those who care about me have an excuse to leave me.  it is a deflection of protection because i do not think i am worthy of that person's care or love.  fuck.  that is incredibly painful to write.  but it is the truth.  where does this come from?  it is something i have always done, i can remember feeling guilt over things not in my control for years.  for my entire memory.  i shoulder blame on things that are not my fault.  i feel ashamed of mistakes that i made 15-20 years ago, things that are on no one's radar anymore and are very minute, but i feel horrible about it yet today.  it is a crushing feeling i live with.  and it has crowded out the ability to feel joy on  regular basis, to feel things other than negativity and pain and anger and sadness.  i have to work hard to feel happy.  and that is really sucky thing.  but it what it is.

there is that phrase.  for most of my life, i have told myself that.  it is what it is.  but i have not allowed myself to truly live by that.  this is my discovery this week.  for the last year, i have started to feel anger over things in my childhood.  it sounds ridiculous, but please understand that i have never allowed myself to feel anger, bitterness, or sadness over it.  i have always told myself it is what it is and i cannot change it, so i have to make the best of it.  and by not allowing myself to truly feel whatever i need to about things that happened, i have kind of fucked myself up.  at least that is how i feel.  *gosh, this is the really hard part to write....the crushing panic in my belly is overwhelming.  but i need to get it out.  i must.*  for most people that know me, they know that i was a child of a teenage, unwed mother.  that we struggled for many of the early years.  for those that really know me, they know that i had to grow up at a very early age.  for those that don't know, let me paint the picture.  i am the product of an unwed teenage mom.  and in my early years, we lived with either of my grandparents or moved around a lot.  by the time i was 18, i think we had lived in approximately 18-20 different places.  i attended the same grade school during that time, but that was really the only true stability i had.  my mom never neglected me in the true sense of neglect.  but if i am to truly look at things and accept how i feel, there are times in my childhood that could screw with my sense of who i am.  i knew little about my sperm donor (whom i have mentioned before) growing up.  i was told  a few tidbits here and there, but there were not so great bits of information.  he's a drug abuser and had been in and out of jail.  he came to see me in the hospital after i was born, but that was it.  i was told his name when i was about age 10.  and a few years later, i was told he may have taken advantage of her.  years later, i was told that when things went to court for paternity, he had his friends testify that they all has sex with her too.  and years later, it was sexual assault.   for court, the decision was made by my family to not take things further.  this literally is the gist of what i know.  even as i close into age 37.  i know so very little.  and apparently it has affected me more than i could have ever dreamed of.  that fucker didn't want to have anything to do with me  my biological grandparents didn't want me.  my grandparents & teenage mother chose not to fight for me in court.  (while that certainly may have worked in my favor as i grew up, no visitation, etc, it still fucking hurts).  i was also told that i may have half siblings in the area of his.  i have this other biological piece of me that wanted nothing to do with me.  awesome.  i have always said it doesn't matter and i was better off without him.  but it does matter.  it matters to a little girl who had to grow up being a single parent child in classes of children who have moms & dads.  it matters that there wasn't another set of grandparents to kiss my boo-boo's or see me graduate high school and then college.  it fucking matters to me that they didn't want me.  and it hurts.  terribly.  and i have never expressed that before, to anyone.  i have barely allowed myself to acknowledge it in the deepest part of my soul.

i grew up as my mom grew up.  she was 16 years old when she had me.  a child herself.  and while i cannot hate her for the choices she made, i do finally feel anger over some of them.  those very close to me know that i held her hair while she puked from being drunk, went in the car the next morning searching for her glasses along side the road where she was sick the night before.  was with my grandma often so she could go out.  spent nights at her girlfriend's parents with her girlfriend's daughter while they went and partied.  for the very first years of my life, she had a boyfriend.  and in looking back, he was abusive.  he cheated on her.  but he was the first father figure in my life.  and one night while she was working, he touched me.  and i told her a bit later and she did nothing.  she brushed it away.  and i have always told myself it could have been worse and it was what it was.  but if this year it has bubbled up into one of those things that make me angry.  i don't view myself as a victim, but i am angry that when i was "hurt" she did nothing.  i accept that she may not have known what to do or was too scared, but i am allowing myself to feel beyond pissed about the situation.  that i have had to take care of her growing up.  remembering the time she had surgery when i was in 5/6th grade and i had to be the primary nursemaid, there was an ant colony that invaded our shit-hole apartment and i had to take care of it by myself.  that there were times she would have a male friend over and i would have to go to my room while she was with him.  or the time the guy wouldn't come over so we hopped in the car to pick him up from the bar.  that shit wasn't right.  and i am finally allowing myself to feel all of the feelings from my childhood.  that little girl who was scared and stability was sometimes an issue.  the woman i am today who struggles with control.  because when i am not in control i feel anxious.  but then i realize i'm not really in control anyway and i feel like i am about to lose everything.  and then i feel in my heart that i should lose everything because i'm not worth it.  i am unlovable.

i struggled greatly with perfectionism in high school.  i was very close to developing an eating disorder in my senior year.  i said that i let go of the perfectionist idea, but what i truly did was move it to a different avenue.  i became better at beating myself up privately.  i became a master at the masks. i have put on weight as a protection mechanism and while i have tried to become healthier over the years, i have not been successful because i don't believe i am worth it nor that i can actually do it.  i have sabotaged myself and made excuses.  and i have been afraid of taking a real hard look at why i gained it and why i don't want to lose it.  i have made my persona the 'plump chic who likes to laugh and make jokes" because it is easier to deal with others and what's inside.  laughter is used as a deflection tool for me sometimes.  i do not allow people to get close to me.  even my partner, who i pledged to spend my life with.  i drive him away sometimes, and at the time i am doing it, i am hating myself even more.  i have very few *close* friends.  it is easier for me that way.  while i am more of an introvert and recharge with time by myself, i also know that when i am feeling poorly emotionally, i shut myself down from many outside activities, especially if they are group activities.   even though in the days leading up to it, i want to participate...when the day comes, i just can't.  lately, it's because someone might see through the mask.  emotionally, things are bubbling at the surface for me and if sometime asks me how things are going, i cannot promise that i won't be able to turn on the happy face and say "things are great."  when it comes down to it, that's what people want to hear.  they don't want to hear that one is suffering or frustrated or whatever right now.

i sit here now with no tears, no snot streaming out of my nose, and the feeling of "oh shit, what are you doing" is gone from my gut.  i feel amazing that i wrote this.  that i expressed it.  and this is just the beginning.  i have a shit ton of work ahead of me, but i think i can do it.  i have to, there is no other option as i cannot keep functioning the way i was.

this is the end of the post with no name for now.  but i will be writing more as i make my way through the metamorphosis.  please be kind, please do not take what i have shared and misuse it.  please know that i am not, and have not been, suicidal.  i have kidlets i have to care for and simply cannot imagine leaving them behind.  should things become an issue, i will make the blog private and i don't want to do that.

as i covered with my therapist the first week, there appears to be a great deal many issues i need to work through:  childhood, pregnancy issues, trust & control issues, parenting issues, relationship issues, and whatever else comes bubbling up.  i wrote this post to express myself in what i consider my space and to work on opening up to others.  i am who i am, take it or leave it.  but i really don't want people to leave it.  i already have abandonment issues apparently, let's not add more.  :)   (see, there i go with the jokes cuz this is uncomfortable)

i am going to end each of these with a positive about myself.  and here is tonight's:  while i do not share my heart easily, i am a person with a big heart who is compassionate about those in need, whatever the need may be.

judging others

We all do it.  Judging others.  Even though we have the best of intentions, we do it.  Today I was reminded of how cruel people could be and that just when you think you might know someone, they can surprise you.  I know I have made comments about a friend named Karma for a few people, but to take delight in someone else's misfortune or unhappiness, I just cannot understand.  I am struggling with life and the choices and challenges it presents us.  I am unsure of what path to take and it is weighing heavily on my mind.

Stripper Sheep

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week.  And we couldn't help but take a photo.  Because. This. Is. Hilarious!  Dontcha think?  First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over.   Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties.  And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter.  How could it not?  Sheep with leotards?  It was the highlight of our night!

Tough Day

How do you wind down after a tough day at work?

I'm finding I'm having a very difficult time doing so. And today was one of the worst. I like my day job, but I often find myself thinking about it at home more than I want to. Things I forgot to do, things that I think of to do, things that I could or should have handled differently. Or whatever.

I have to deal with some pretty uncomfortable situations at times as a result of my work. It's not really different from when I worked as an advocate for sexual assault victims, I'm just on the other side now dealing with the perpetrators. I have dealt with most things alright. But the thing I have going on right now has seemed to affect me more than anything else has before. And I'm not sure what to make of it.

I know there are bad people out there. People who hurt others. People who don't conform to the "norms" in society and are turned on by inappropriate things. I, for obvious reasons, cannot get detailed in what I'm talking about and that sucks. I guess, just know that what I had to view today was rather unpleasant and it was the first time in my day job that I really had a slap in the face about the evils of this world. I know they are out there, but to come face to face with one is an experience unlike no other.

So, I attempted to unwind (not until 9pm mind you) with one of my favorite shows, Castle, and a good drink. It didn't clear my mind completely, but it helped a bit. These are the times when I feel like I could work out for hours to blow off the steam. I just don't want to work out at 9pm however. Thankfully I work tomorrow and then I am off the rest of the week. Time to do some fun Disney work (and some unfun accounting Disney work), cleaning of the basement, sleeping, reading, chilling to some tunes...time for me. Which I think comes at just the right time.

Time Goes On

I've visited my blog a couple times over the last month, but just haven't had the heart to post. I feel as if I have nothing to say when I sit down, even if there are moments during the day I think about sharing something.

I'll share some highlights, and lowlights, from recent weeks.

And thank you to those who have kept visiting, even if I have been a major turd.

Love ya!

-------------------------------------------------------

**My baby girl earned her High Yellow belt in karate on Oct 17th.

She is a rock star and I adore her. She is quite good at sparring, which should come as no surprise as I watch her fight with her brother. There are still a few hiccups along the way, but gosh darn it....the girl is good. And I want her to keep on doing this. The fine line between encouragement and pushing has become apparent at our home with karate. It's something that I tend to fall more on the encouragement side and Jason falls on the pushing side. We balance each other out, I guess.

As they drove to the studio tonight, about a block away Ariana stated she hated karate and didn't want to do it anymore. Jason told her she needed to go as they were almost there. She got to class and loved it. Talked about all the fun she had. He shared the experience with me and I took her by herself to discuss it. With no pressure. She thinks it's fun and wants to earn her Green Belt next, eventually getting to her Black Belt. When I asked her what that meant, she said she cannot quit. And recited the phrase, "A black belt is a white belt who never quit." I was so proud of her at that moment.

We'll see how class tomorrow goes. She could potentially have her first tournament on Nov 7th.

-----------------------------------------------------

*Ariana and her math homework -- she struggled at first with math, but has seemed to come into her own with it. I was so fearful that she was going to struggle and watching her at first was heartbreaking. Her perfectionism was killing her. And me. Let's just say I spent some nights in tears.

But she has improved and quite honestly, I'm surprised at how well she has been doing because of her struggles at first. She's naming off the answer like nothing.

-------------------------------------------------------

*Phoenix switched to a new classroom at daycare that is more preschool based back in Sept. That didn't go to well either. They do this behavior reward thing where have a flower on their cubby and if they misbehave the flower gets taken away. This child had many more days of a flowerless cubby than a flowered cubby upon pickup. Piss me off, and kind of befuddling. His other teachers never said anything about him not listening or being rowdy. Sure, I know the kid has boundless energy. I guess now that he's expected to be more student-like it's an issue. But come on, the kids are 3. Eventually, he figured it out (add in a change in the flower reward--the kids could earn it back later in the day, along with a teacher change) and my little buddy has earned the Megatron transformer we told him we'd buy him if he got 5 flowers in a row. (That took a while, let me tell ya.)

So, now we have a cross dressing Megatron walking around the house, being silly like usual.

----------------------------------------------------

*My dad had a cancer check up last week. He had a scope last Wed and the doc said things look great. We are still waiting on lab tests, but it sounds promising. Take that cancer! Just hoping it continues to stay away. With the recurrence rate so high, it worries me, but I can't dwell on that.

-----------------------------------------------------

*Jason and I have had our issues over the last weeks, hell...months. Communication has been lacking and we are working on it. We're both so tired that we snap at each other and then the other gets pissed off. I can't tell you how many nights I wanted to sleep on the couch or cried tears in the bathroom. Marriage is a work in progess, and it's been a little bumpy lately. We need to step up our game when it comes to the kids, to our home, to ourselves. And I know we can.

------------------------------------------------------

*We had the pleasure and opportunity to attend the Preeclampsia Foundation's annual fundraising gala, Saving Grace: A Night of Hope this past weekend in Chicago. It's always a treat to see old faces and to meet in person others you've chatted online with. The night was fun and highly emotional. (I've got a post for that coming too). Lots of tears, lots. It was a successful evening, and I am so grateful we were able to attend.

-------------------------------------------------------

*My other big time-taker-upper is work. My day job has been exhausting. What the fuck is so hard about following rules people? You screwed up and broke the law, now pay your toll and get off probation. We were many hats with this job: agent turns into social worker, couples counselor, life coach, miracle worker. And it can be draining if one doesn't figure out how to balance it. Which I'm working on. I haven't been all that successful lately, but it's improving. There is never a dull day, that's for sure.

-----------------------------------------------------

Well those are our family highlights. I'm preparing an emotional post, one that I'm scared yet anxious to write. I've got some major things happening at work, then it's on it's way.

Sleep tight all, may your dreams be sweet and saucy.

Adventure

I know my new job will be an adventure and I am looking forward to it. For the most part.

My heart is already aching at the thought of leaving my family for days in a row for 7 weeks. Due to other hormonal influence, at least that's what I'm blaming it on, I've been weepy just thinking about it. Getting Ariana onto the bus, and picking her up makes me tear up. And knowing that Phoenix will be in daycare now in a couple days is also causing the eyes to swell. Holding my husband tight causes my throat to constrict and want to never let go. I'm not so great at goodbyes and I know I'm sure I'll sob like a baby come time to leave. I'm twitching just thinking about it.

It's always a little nerve wracking when you start a new job and this is no different. Can I do this, will I do a good enough job, etc....the questions we've all had. Do I have enough freaking clothes for the first couple weeks? Will I make it through 7 weeks of having a roomie without wanting to strangle her at some point? You know, things like that.

This is THE job I've been waiting for. And while I am a bit nervous and scared, I'm excited for the new adventure.