Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

Time for me to fly

In an effort to take care of myself, I've started tracking my food and exercise in My Fitness Pal.  I've tried off and on before, but would log info for a day or two and then forget about it.  Well, I'm a week in and haven't skipped a day yet.  Only two of those days, I was over my calories.  One of them was but about 50 calories and the other was a total loss, which I acknowledged.  It was a day when emotional eating 100% took hold and I am aware of it.  

With sticking with this for a week, it has already caused a few moments where I checked my calorie intake for the day before making a food choice.  And it has helped.  So, I'm going to also try and write about my journey as well.  Figured it's time for me to fly and just put it out there. 

At my highest weight, I weighed 244 lbs.  This was almost a year ago.  Currently, I've been hanging out between 235-238; however with some of the changes over the last few weeks and being honest with myself about why I'm eating, I have lost a few pounds and at my last weigh-in was 232 lbs. 

This journey isn't about me having a dramatic weight loss which involves a 21 day fix or paleo, etc....this journey is about me loving myself and believing that I am worthy of taking care of.  Self-love is the journey and my motivation.  The weight loss will come along with that just as the gain did all those years of self-loathing and hate.   It may be slow, but I need to go at my own pace.  I will push myself, challenge myself, and have days of failure, but it's one day at a time and a step backwards doesn't mean "I" am a failure or that I can use that as an excuse to quit my journey.

I look forward to this year and the opportunities that await.