Thursday, May 1, 2008

What's Wrong With Me

This has to be more than just PMS. I'm so moody, pissy, so close to tears at times. God, I feel exhausted with just the emotions coursing through my body. I have suffered from depression before and while I don't believe or feel that I'm in that despair again, I am starting to wonder if a little St. John's Wart would help a girl out. Or some lovely white pills.

I switched up my general practitioner care, for the much better. My old family physician, well, he just sucked. I only saw him for my yearly cholesterol check. Any other time I tried to get in for a problem, he was on vacation or had no openings, so I would end up at the walk-in. I switched to an internal medicine doc and jeez, we are on the move immediately. Got some lab work next week and had some tests last week, which are resulting in my going in for a CT scan tomorrow. I'll update once I know something other than me having some "decreased lung capacity."

One of the main things we are looking into is the possibility of me having PCOS. I actually questioned this back in 2005 when I saw asshole OB. He told me I didn't look like a PCOS gal and that was about it. I remember being pissed at the time, but we were also TTC for almost a year at that point, so my focus was more on that. Happily we got pregnant not long after that, so I just put it out of my head. I never mentioned it to my current OB and frankly haven't thought about it until the new doc said something. I have many of the classic symptoms and when I take the little quiz on the support site, it says most women with my score turn out to have PCOS. Not sure how this affects me in the long run as I know more about the infertility piece of it.

I've been struggling lately. The lovely memories of HELLP are back with Ariana's birthday, and the fears of Phoenix's pregnancy & birth. Each year I think it won't bother me as much, and then whammo I feel everything just as strong as the year before. I'm not sure if I hold shit in regarding this that I just can't seem to let the emotions go. I've felt like I've made peace with our experience. I know it's the same for some, well most, of my other preeclampsia sisters. Tomorrow it will be five years from the day where I learned I would be having my baby over 5 weeks early and I had this preeclampsia thing. It would be months later before I learned just how sick I really was. Denial is such a wonderful and awful thing. We also had a loss last year that was unexpected. I don't share this for sympathy, so please don't share you're sorry. I'm sharing to open up and let things go. Things weren't going well that's about all I can fully say. It's very private for me. We haven't shared here, or with pretty much all of our family & friends. We have/had several family members & friends who were experiencing infertility and it was just too private. It's been a rough year.

I am a person who may seem very outgoing to many people who know me in real life, but honestly it's so hard for me to open up. My patient husband can attest to that fact. I've always had to hold things together since I was little and it's carried on into adulthood. I grew up in a single parent home, my mom was 17 when she had me. I never really knew anything about my father until I was much older. All I knew was that I didn't have a dad. It didn't make sense when I was young, that feeling of rejection. And the reasons for him not being there were not known to me until much, much later. Even now, I don't believe I know the entire story. It's simply something we don't discuss. I was surrounded by love growing up and I'm incredibly thankful for that. But those early years of childhood into teenager, have left their mark. I withdraw when I'm feeling anxious, sad, worried, etc. It's what I do. I have a difficult time discussing real emotions or having a disagreement as I usually start to tear up immediately. It's one of those things that I hate about myself. I'm much more happier being able to hermit myself at home with a movie or a book than going out with the crowd or to a party. I don't really have social anxiety over being out, it's just that I'd rather stay home. I put on the show of "everything's fine" and that really gets tiring after a while.

Well, now. That's way more than what I intended this post to be. Wow. Talk about vomit-speak. Now the dilemma of leaving it or deleting it. The self-questioning begins, was I too open, do you think I'm nuts now....all those lovely things. The one bad thing about sharing your blog with family & friends is that they can read it. So to post something so private is taking some balls. Please be gentle and don't beat the shit out of me with your comments.


Heather said...

You're a brave, brave girl (but I knew that!). I can identify *a lot* with how you describe your emotional self. I grew up with both my parents under the same roof with a pretty normal existence from the outside. My mom, however, grew up in an insanely violent home with an abusive father and a mother who 'stood by her man' for decades while she raised five kids in it. Needless to say, this all shaped the way my mother (who has never sought professional help for any of this -- that seemed to be my role for a long time) parented me. Surely, she did the best she could -- but some days, I think about myself and how I am, and I realize it's a miracle I function at all. Seriously.

There are so many common bonds and ties among people; it's that connection that I get from reading blogs. It's that sense of not being alone and isolated even when it's what I think I want.

Love you, girl, and hope things start to lift soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie, I wish I was there with you right now, I'd mix up some drinks & we'd sit & reminisce (Tony Baroney)...knew that would make you smile! :)

We're all our own worst critics, but keep in mind, you have a lot of friends & people who care about you for the person you are.
It's easy to say, but go easy on yourself. Being a SAHM is tough, (one of the toughest things I did, at least), but keep in mind that you are doing something not all women have the priviledge to do, and you're with your kids each day watching them grow, and making them into the wonderful beings they are. One day, they'll be big, and you'll wish they were little again. (don't cry now)!

What I'm offering, is live for today, enjoy what you do have. Not to make light of the past, but the past has happened, but even though it was a horrible time, you have 2 great people that are here, healthy, and in the end, you are blessed (I know you know that). They can also sense your feelings, and I applaud you for acknowledging that something is not quite right and are taking action to be better.

I could never say I know what you feel from your Pre-E with the kiddos, but celebrate that they are here, alive and healthy too. That trumps them all!

Love ya!

Christie O. said...

Airing it all out on my blog has been very therapeutic for me! I don't always talk about what's bothering me either -- I'm the happy go lucky nothing bother's me girl -- but for some reason, on my blog, I can be real. It's good that you can too!

I don't know that we'll ever "get over" our pregnancy experiences -- it will always bother us in some way and hit us unexpectedly (at a certain time of year, when we see an image on tv or hear something someone says, whatever it is) and that's ok. that doesn't mean we haven't moved on from the experience -- to not be bothered by it wouldn't be human.

I am definitely in the same boat with you with the social bug -- I was the most social person in the world before Poops and now, I would so much rather be home, I don't like to talk on the phone that much; it's actually a lot better now than it was (thank you little white pills) but I am just a little less social now and I am not sure why.

Anyway, I guess what you can take from this is that so many people identify with you and that's a good thing.

Aunt Becky said...

Let it all out, Denise. Saving it up inside is no good for you. Blogging is great because it can be very therapeutic and healing. And I'm fairly certain that you can make posts private if you don't want to share them with the world. Like you, I rarely REALLY open up on my blog, but when I do, I'm always pleasantly surprised. Someone always gets what I'm saying and that is worth it's weight in gold.

I'm sorry that you're having a rough go of it these days. Please holler if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you.

You could come down and visit.... :)

Amy said...

I can definitely identify with you a lot as well. Most of my life it was just me and my mom, she did what she had to do to get by, and I know she tried hard to be the best that she could be, but I still have a lot of pent up feelings about my childhood as well.

And that PE bug...every time I tell myself I'm going to let it go it comes back to haunt me. I don't think it ever goes away. I was a wreck on Gracie birthday, and I probably will be again this year. And unfortunately no matter how many times someone tells me not to think about it, that our outcome was a good one, etc. I just can't help feeling like my pregnancy was ripped away from me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you, and I think that getting your feelings out in the open is a good thing ~ it will help you clear your mind and hopefully be therapeutic for you. (((hugs)))

Jen said...

Hello my fellow PE sista!

Know that you are appreciated, understood, and acknowledged. Let it out. We don't judge. :)

Happy 5th Birthday Ariana!


Anonymous said...

You are the air I breath. You are the one look forward to most seeing in the morning when I open my eyes and the one i look forward to seeing the evening before I close my eyes. I will always be there for you to lean on whenever you need to.

Your loving hubby