Monday, December 10, 2007

Letting Go

I have difficulty letting certain things go. Things that I believe I have done incorrectly or somehow messed up. I shoulder the responsibility of things that may not mean anything to the other party, or things that don't really need responsibility. Even if it's something out of my control, I tend to beat myself up over it.

I have a moment from junior year of high school that still causes me tremendous guilt. It's been over 15 years and I still feel the weight of my slip-up. It's inconsequential now, and has been for years. But I can't forgive myself for it.

This afternoon on my way to pick up Ariana from school, I was stopped at a 4-way stop. There was a van to my left that stopped just after I did. Just as I started to go, I saw a bike pop into my line of vision in the front. The guy was hidden by the hunk of metal that helps hold my roof up, the side of the front window. I stopped immediately and let him cross. As he rode in front of my he gestured at himself and gave me a dirty look. I immediately felt awful that I didn't see the guy. I tried to get over it, but then I started telling myself that I wasn't really paying close enough attention and I continued to berate myself. It was 3 hours ago and I still feel badly. What the hell is wrong with me?

I talk to myself in a not-so-friendly manner. I am aware that this is not good for my emotional or mental health. I know the minute that I start in on myself that what I am doing is wrong and try to stop myself. But I've been doing it for so long, I find it difficult to stop.

I need to let go of my insecurities and know that I am a decent person. I need to let go of shouldering responsibility for things that I have no control over and that are not my fault. I need to let go of the negative self image I hold. I need to let go of the denials I tell myself.

I need to let go. I must let go of these things.


Jen said...

Sorry that you are a member of the self-berating club Denise. I don't say that in jest either. We gals can be so hard on ourselves. You can do it. You can believe that you are a good person because you really are lady! HUGS!


Aunt Becky said...

I've done this, too. Usually over something equally not my fault.

I try like hell to let it go, but it's just not that easy (and I promise, it's not every day, just some days and some things).

The guy on the bike was probably used to people delibrately ignoring him, and was taking it out on you.