Sunday, October 9, 2011
disney planning day
we are having a disney planning day with my in-laws & nephew for our trip in June. it is my nephew's first trip and he is very excited. we've done plenty of trips on our own, just the two of us, and then the kids trip in 2008. this trip, we are all staying together in one villa and i want to ensure careful planning to allow everyone time to see and do the things they want to accomplish and yet still remain sane throughout the trip. ;) the main thing to figure out today is where we want to eat. dining reservations open up at the start of december for our trip and i want to be ready to roll with those rather than scrambling at the last minute.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fall Fun
talking with a friend today and i was talking about how much i missed taking photos and writing. he told me to do it. so i did. and it was awesome. here is some of our fall fun tonight.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
IMWI 2011
A close friend of mine participated in the 2011 Ironman Wisconsin race two weeks ago. And I was fortunate enough to be there to watch him and a few other folks, say about 2500, give their all. What an amazing day to witness. The perseverence, the sweat, the tears, the pride. The day was powerful, amazing and left me awestruck to what these individuals do with their bodies.
Here are some of the highlights from the day.....
Interested in seeing what Ironman is all about? Check out:
Here are some of the highlights from the day.....
My friend gave it his all, however he ended up passing out at approximately mile 9-10 of the marathon portion and was transported by ambulance to the med tent where he spent the next 3 hours or so receiving IV fluids. It was heartwrenching to see him process the day later that evening and then throughout the following week, but my friend is a go for IMWI 2012 as of this week! So, we'll be back in Madison for the race next year. His training this year was rather short for triathlete standards and he's laying a plan for training in 2012 that should have him finishing this race in 2012!
Interested in seeing what Ironman is all about? Check out:
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Out of Control
That is what my life feels like most often right now. I haven't blogged as I just haven't had the heart to. I would much prefer to keep things hidden or private in a sense, but I know it's not helping. P had his evaluation and he does not have ADHD, of which I am happy about. The doctor believes he is so sleep deprived he essentially manifesting ADHD symptoms: the impulsivity, lack of focus, hyperactivity, etc. He would like P to have a sleep study. Awesome. But the pediatrician's office will not refer until they receive the report from the neuro/psych doc. And our local sleep center does not work with kids his age, so we need to travel 45 minutes to another sleep center. (I know, it's not that big of a deal). That place will not speak with me about an appointment at all until they receive the pedi referral. They would not even tell me if he has to see the pedi neurologist first before a sleep study is scheduled or if he can do the sleep study right away or even how far out they are scheduling. In the meantime, we have a little boy who is struggling. And so are his parents. Four days of school so far = 2 incident reports sent home. Non-compliance, aggressiveness, not wanting to participate when he's asked to. And we don't know what to fricking do anymore.
Let me share that he while he's a very active kid, we were not having this large of issues while he was four. Yes, there were some minor things however things have ramped up over the summer. And he's sleeping worse than ever. He is more often than not having a night terror every night. Then he's usually up 3-4 times. We've taken to taking turns sleeping on his floor in desperation of soothing him and making him feel safe (cuz he's scared) and to allow the other parent a decent night's sleep.
He has been seeing a therapist for several weeks now and there have been improvements. Earlier this summer we were battling him almost nightly, now it's 1-3 times a week. But he's also bitten a teacher at summer camp and hit at his teacher today. We've learned through therapy that he likes to have control, which could be a terrific leadership quality if we can harness it right. There are days when we make awesome headway and then bam, then the next night he just disintegrates into this upset, hysterical child before my eyes. There are times when it is difficult to recall the improvements and that alone is frustrating. We have been working with a therapist as well for parent training, which has helped. We still have a long way to go. And while I know there is no magic wand to instantly make things better, it does not stop me from wishing we could solve this, right now.
I am feeling a major sense of being out of control. I am fully aware that I need to control a large portion of my life. I always have. But I have only admitted that recently. I know the anxiety that is felt when I am not in control and can relate to what he is feeling. However, while I turn that inward, he turns it outward against us. J said it perfectly the other month, "it's very humbling to have your ass kicked by your 5 year old." Now this was when things were literally at their worst (so far) and we had been hit, kicked, spit on, snotted on, pushed, had things thrown at us. We've learned that when he enters that stage, we cannot engage him. Or hug or touch him. It will only increase his emotions.
I am struggling because I do not know how to help my child. And that pains so much. I know he is a terrific kid with some issues. He has a beautiful zest for life and is my cuddlebug. But if you piss him off, what out. And that scares me.
Things have been tense between J and I. They came to a head a few weeks ago and during a long heated discussion, I leveled with him that things need to change. It was so difficult and quite an emotional communication, but it was so necessary. Emotions were raw and I told him I was not happy. And that if things do not change, I will not be with him in the years to come. We have both been working on things, which is great. But it is still a struggle at times. I snap at his tone of voice or he gets defensive when I say something. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage and we have been through a great deal together, so while I told him I'd leave if things did not change I also stated it would be one of the most difficult things I'd do.
To top things off, my day job is sucking the life out of me and I am allowing it to happen. Morale at work is so low and a job I enjoyed has become one that I loathe stepping through the doors each morning to do. I feel guilty that I am working when possibly being home to focus more time on P would be better for him. I feel as if I am in a constant state of "fight or flight." And I know it is not healthy.
I'm hoping to make some changes in addition to all of the ones above, things that keep me healthy. I know it is important and needs to be done in order for me to effectively help others in my family. I need to carve in time daily that is just for me. And to start enjoying life again rather than have it seem like a chore.
Let me share that he while he's a very active kid, we were not having this large of issues while he was four. Yes, there were some minor things however things have ramped up over the summer. And he's sleeping worse than ever. He is more often than not having a night terror every night. Then he's usually up 3-4 times. We've taken to taking turns sleeping on his floor in desperation of soothing him and making him feel safe (cuz he's scared) and to allow the other parent a decent night's sleep.
He has been seeing a therapist for several weeks now and there have been improvements. Earlier this summer we were battling him almost nightly, now it's 1-3 times a week. But he's also bitten a teacher at summer camp and hit at his teacher today. We've learned through therapy that he likes to have control, which could be a terrific leadership quality if we can harness it right. There are days when we make awesome headway and then bam, then the next night he just disintegrates into this upset, hysterical child before my eyes. There are times when it is difficult to recall the improvements and that alone is frustrating. We have been working with a therapist as well for parent training, which has helped. We still have a long way to go. And while I know there is no magic wand to instantly make things better, it does not stop me from wishing we could solve this, right now.
I am feeling a major sense of being out of control. I am fully aware that I need to control a large portion of my life. I always have. But I have only admitted that recently. I know the anxiety that is felt when I am not in control and can relate to what he is feeling. However, while I turn that inward, he turns it outward against us. J said it perfectly the other month, "it's very humbling to have your ass kicked by your 5 year old." Now this was when things were literally at their worst (so far) and we had been hit, kicked, spit on, snotted on, pushed, had things thrown at us. We've learned that when he enters that stage, we cannot engage him. Or hug or touch him. It will only increase his emotions.
I am struggling because I do not know how to help my child. And that pains so much. I know he is a terrific kid with some issues. He has a beautiful zest for life and is my cuddlebug. But if you piss him off, what out. And that scares me.
Things have been tense between J and I. They came to a head a few weeks ago and during a long heated discussion, I leveled with him that things need to change. It was so difficult and quite an emotional communication, but it was so necessary. Emotions were raw and I told him I was not happy. And that if things do not change, I will not be with him in the years to come. We have both been working on things, which is great. But it is still a struggle at times. I snap at his tone of voice or he gets defensive when I say something. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage and we have been through a great deal together, so while I told him I'd leave if things did not change I also stated it would be one of the most difficult things I'd do.
To top things off, my day job is sucking the life out of me and I am allowing it to happen. Morale at work is so low and a job I enjoyed has become one that I loathe stepping through the doors each morning to do. I feel guilty that I am working when possibly being home to focus more time on P would be better for him. I feel as if I am in a constant state of "fight or flight." And I know it is not healthy.
I'm hoping to make some changes in addition to all of the ones above, things that keep me healthy. I know it is important and needs to be done in order for me to effectively help others in my family. I need to carve in time daily that is just for me. And to start enjoying life again rather than have it seem like a chore.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I obviously haven't been blogging much. I haven't done much of anything really. This summer we've been trying to get by, day to day living. But we are here. We've had good days and bad days, some good and rough patches.
P had his neuro-psych eval last week. I'm dying for results, but our appt is scheduled for next week. I'd be willing to bet $ that we will be told he has ADHD. There has been talk about his tonsils/adenoids and his sleeping issues, possible seizure activity with his sleep issues & night terrors. He has been in fine form the last few months, acting like a complete lunatic some moments and being that sweet little boy at others. He's been doing behavioral therapy for a few weeks now and most sessions we are having a therapist work with us for parent training. It's been helpful. And while I know that getting an "answer" next week will not solve our problems, I'm hoping it helps with the stress level and the not knowing.
P had his neuro-psych eval last week. I'm dying for results, but our appt is scheduled for next week. I'd be willing to bet $ that we will be told he has ADHD. There has been talk about his tonsils/adenoids and his sleeping issues, possible seizure activity with his sleep issues & night terrors. He has been in fine form the last few months, acting like a complete lunatic some moments and being that sweet little boy at others. He's been doing behavioral therapy for a few weeks now and most sessions we are having a therapist work with us for parent training. It's been helpful. And while I know that getting an "answer" next week will not solve our problems, I'm hoping it helps with the stress level and the not knowing.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
testing
We are waiting to get an appointment scheduled for neuro-psych testing for Phoenix now. We have a therapy appointment set up for next week for J and I to start on a treatment plan, but without having the actual testing done, I'm leery of how much of a plan we'll come up with. Things are starting to become out of control for him with some of his behaviors and it's affecting him at daycare. He's sleeping like shit and his night terrors are worsening again. We know he has more difficulty with impulse control and anger when he's tired, so it's been an uphill battle to tackle everything.
On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly. We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit. I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.
On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly. We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit. I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.
different
Dearest Phoenix
As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life. You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life. And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional. We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help. It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister. I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future.
You hate being told no. You strongly dislike transitions. You are so unbelievably frickin' independent. You love to talk, at times non-stop. You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen. You have the best smile, your entire face lights up. And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis. You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes.
Your tantrums are becoming legendary. Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys. You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started. And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting. I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly. And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore. There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you. And I'm sorry for that.
If I am being honest, I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still." I am full aware of that. We live with your exuberance on a daily basis. The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it. I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well. But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one. I know that medication can help many things. It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister. But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside. And I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD. Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.
I have so much hope for you. You have such awesome potential to do great things. And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will. I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person. You are my baby. And I love you.
Love,
Mommy
As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life. You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life. And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional. We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help. It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister. I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future.
You hate being told no. You strongly dislike transitions. You are so unbelievably frickin' independent. You love to talk, at times non-stop. You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen. You have the best smile, your entire face lights up. And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis. You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes.
Your tantrums are becoming legendary. Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys. You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started. And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting. I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly. And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore. There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you. And I'm sorry for that.
If I am being honest, I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still." I am full aware of that. We live with your exuberance on a daily basis. The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it. I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well. But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one. I know that medication can help many things. It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister. But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside. And I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD. Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.
I have so much hope for you. You have such awesome potential to do great things. And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will. I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person. You are my baby. And I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sometimes I need a laugh
A friend shared this with me a few months ago and we always pull it out on our phones if one of us is having one of those days.....today (like so many in the past month) I am having one of those days that I could use a laugh.
Film Classics on Vuvuzela
Film Classics on Vuvuzela
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Whirling Dervish
The days and weeks have flown by and will continue to do so. It's my boy child's birthday today, he turned 5 and apparently wanted to start his fifth year out with a new 'do. He decided to cut his hair last night and I had no option but to buzz it off. Lovely. I did not cry. But I did think about it.
I'm sticking okay with the gluten free. To be honest, at times it's difficult because I'm not outwardly symptomatic however I know that my body inside is not doing well. That is hard to remember when that damn pizza smells so frickin' fantastic. But the majority of days are gluten free and I'm still on the hunt for new recipes all the time. I'm searching for some gluten free bread and will be resorting to baking my own here this week. Hoping that goes well.
The big news this week is that we are getting a dog. Yes, a sign that I am officially crazy. I've got two weeks until the walk, I'm working FT with a PT job and have two kids who are high energy and require extra attention for their needs....and I'm adding a dog. A selfish part of me longs for this. A dog that needs a walk, and because I cannot take the damn time for myself, this way I can do walks, etc for him (and for me). He's 7 and a boxer. And loves to sleep! The family met with him last weekend and things look like a great fit, so he should be joining our family this next weekend hopefully.
I have three more things to do before bed, so I better get scootin'. I think longingly of blogging throughout the days, but this month simply have not taken the time. I'm crashing into bed at night and looking forward to things to wind down soon.
I'm sticking okay with the gluten free. To be honest, at times it's difficult because I'm not outwardly symptomatic however I know that my body inside is not doing well. That is hard to remember when that damn pizza smells so frickin' fantastic. But the majority of days are gluten free and I'm still on the hunt for new recipes all the time. I'm searching for some gluten free bread and will be resorting to baking my own here this week. Hoping that goes well.
The big news this week is that we are getting a dog. Yes, a sign that I am officially crazy. I've got two weeks until the walk, I'm working FT with a PT job and have two kids who are high energy and require extra attention for their needs....and I'm adding a dog. A selfish part of me longs for this. A dog that needs a walk, and because I cannot take the damn time for myself, this way I can do walks, etc for him (and for me). He's 7 and a boxer. And loves to sleep! The family met with him last weekend and things look like a great fit, so he should be joining our family this next weekend hopefully.
I have three more things to do before bed, so I better get scootin'. I think longingly of blogging throughout the days, but this month simply have not taken the time. I'm crashing into bed at night and looking forward to things to wind down soon.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
8 Years
Eight years ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed not fully comprehending what was happening to me. I knew I was having a baby, but no clue as to how sick I was getting throughout the day. Our four pound guppy was born just after 3pm and I barely got to see her before she was whisked off. I spent that night recovering and finally got down to see her the next morning where I held her for the first time. Eight years. I can recall moments of that day precisely and yet it seems so long ago. We got off to a rocky start and quite frankly, life with that child has been an adventure ever since.
She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady. One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.
I love that little girl. I sure do.
She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady. One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.
I love that little girl. I sure do.
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