Blah Blah Blah

You know it, sing it.  Yes, that song by one of the tarts out there right now.  (And yes, I will admit to owning that album-it's quite catchy to be honest).


I really try to be a positive, glass half full kind of person.  But lately, it's been so difficult to do.  And I can't pin it on any one thing.  I know work has a huge deal in it as things are quite frankly, very sucky at work.  Yes, sucky is the perfect word for it.  I have been trying to remain optimistic with the changes that have been forced, um I mean made, on myself and my lucky coworkers.  However, each day I feel more and more squashed like the disgusting bug that we are viewed the be.  I know all the horseshit of "no one can make you feel anyway you don't want to," and I try so hard to remain upbeat.  But it's such a challenge some days.  Most days right now.  And then throw in a job where you have to deal with yucky topics as if that isn't enough to sometimes make my job suck.

Halfing 1 has been off and on with her moods.  I hate having to watch what we say for fear that we set her off on some goddamn freakout.  It completely sucks.  But it's our life.  She's had some awesome moments this week, so that helps us get through the less-than-stellar ones.  Halfling 2 has been the spawn of satan lately.  (And I think I know a couple of people who would probably peg me as satan, so that statement for him qualifies)  The kid is four.  And he's pooped in his fricking pants 4 times this month.  Um, hello?  Use the toilet.  You know, the thing you've been using for almost two years?  And talk about attitude.  And stubborn.  But it all melts away when he flashes his "special" smile.  Thank the stars he's cute, or he'd probably be in more trouble.

There is the always present family drama.   Not my immediate family, but the next layer.  So and so did this, so and so didn't do that.  And several posting it on facebook, hanging it out there for the entire world to see.  Really?  I am doing my best to avoid becoming involved, but sometimes one gets drawn in or has to stand up for something that truly isn't right. 

There are a few other major disappointments that I've had over the last month and they have been difficult for me to swallow.  Let's just say fall has not been the best part of the year for me.  And because of that, this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this......Bring on Old Man Winter!

Totally and completely sucking

at so many things.  Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on. 

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned.  Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is.  One's struggles make them stronger so many people say.  I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.  

I want(ed) to be a great mom.  And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc.  But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do.  They are my world.  Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband.  And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex.  He is always there for me.  Even if I don't want or need him to be.  Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated.  I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often.  But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else.  He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend.  I have been failing miserably at this for a while.  Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out.  I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls.  I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me.  I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change.  Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work.  I feel good knowing I made a difference.  And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project.  I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work.  I want to respond better to situations.  I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur.  I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do.  I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients.  I want to talk less at work.  To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.  

I want to be a better person.  And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be.  I know it. 

Our World

Perfect example of how A processes certain things with her anxiety.  She was reading the tags on a decorative pillow on her bed the other evening.  "Keep away from flame.  Keep away from face to avoid suffocation."  Things like that.  She, of course, is worried what will happen if a fire starts in the middle of the night and should the pillow stay in her bed.  I cut the other tags off to avoid this, but apparently missed this one.  So I tell her I will cut the tag off so it doesn't scratch her, trying to get her mind off the tag warnings.  Her question....."What happens if we forget the rules?"  And I had to explain and reassure her that mommy has bought lots of pillows before and has read all the rules many times.

sigh.  Some moments it just shines out of the blue.  She's been doing awesome and whammo, the anxiety flares.

Promise to Myself

When I began this blog, I did not do it out of because I think I am important or to gain readers or to make money.  I did it because writing helps me understand myself. The act of putting my rambling thoughts into language, into language that makes me not only understandable to myself, but to others, is gratifying. I don't just prefer writing on the blog; my friends and family know that I would much rather e-mail than phone.  I think better when I write.  I enjoy using language that helps me express myself.

But I haven't taken time to allow myself this expression.  For a very long time.  I've held back or have ignored the need to write.  And I've closed myself off in that arena.  I want desperately to get back into the groove and use writing & language to share my thoughts and help me figure some issues out.  So a promise to myself is being made.  I promise myself that I will take time to write, to express, and to enjoy.  It is part of who I am and I need to honor that piece rather than stuff it.

Learned Items

Almost two months ago, we put ourselves majorly in debt with our house. After 40 minutes, 300 signatures, and 100 initials, we were handed two sets of keys and two electric garage door openers.

Here are things I've learned since that time:

*Make sure you have a pizza delivery phone number available. You will use it, especially on those days when you are attempting to create order in your new home.

*Buy a big pack of Toilet Paper, and place next to the toilet. Toilet paper goes quickly at our place. Either that or I bought the small rolls last time.

*Check the batteries in your new smoke detectors. And buy a carbon monoxide detector. It helps for when you are paranoid about the gas fireplace in your family room.

*Take a couple different routes to work, school, or Menards. Then determine which has the shortest time and the least amount of interaction with asshole drivers.

*Make sure when you have your telephone and internet service moved to the new place, that BOTH are moved. Some ding-dong at Frontier decided our DSL could stay at the old place. Duh. It only took us a week to get that figured out.

*Mow your grass on a regular basis. If only to keep your grass-nazi neighbor happy, even if you don't give to shits or have the time to mow your lawn 3 times a week. Yes, he mows that often.

*Be prepared for random drop ins. It could be your parents, friends, or neighbors. It sucks when your new home resembles a tornado stricken area when people stop by.

*Have a toilet plunger for each toilet. Just in case. And learn just how high the water can go in the toilet when it does plug up so you know if you can insert the plunger without putting water over the edge of the bowl or if you need to turn off the water supply.

*Painting will always take longer than you plan. And Frog Tape ROCKS!

There are my top learned items over the last two months.  I'm sure there will be a ton more.

Gay protest signs

A friend shared this with me after we had chuckled over a gay protest sign we saw. Mucho love to my friends who this means a lot to!

Sleep

I really love sleep.  A good sleep that consists of 8+ hours.  The only problem is that I cannot recall the most recent 8+ hour stretch I had.  Yes, we were camping last week with no kids.  However I did not sleep through a single night, whether that was from having to get up to pee or the frequent nighttime storms we had.  The key issue at home is the boy child.  Who usually gets up at least 1-2, sometimes 3, times a night.  To sleep.  With. Me.

And sometimes I am too tired to even care and he sleeps with me.  Oh my, I am doing the unforgivable aren't I?  I'm letting my child sleep in my bed with me.  It is what I have to do sometimes to simply get some sleep.  But it's getting old.

What is older is the fact that the boy child takes FOREVER to actually fall asleep when he goes to bed.  Sometimes it's over two hours we are dealing with him.  We are trying to get him back into a routine, but it's been a struggle since he's been such a shit.  He can walk over to you sitting next to the doorway, but then says his ankle hurts or his legs are broken and cannot get in bed.  This just after he crawled out and walked over.  sigh.  Not to mention the hubby and I have some differing POV's on things and handle things differently at times.  That sure helps a lot.  Not.

I'm struggling with what to do.  And I need time to get some other things done at night as well as actually catching some Zzzzz's.  Any sleep/bedtime tips to share?

August AWEsomenesses

• Camping - okay, well maybe not camping itself, but being child free for several days with little responsibility.
• The shower I took when I got home.  Nothing like a shower after a camping trip.
• iPhone 4.  Yep, it arrived yesterday and I'm LOVING it!!
• First house payment due.  Yes, I am celebrating this. ;)

That's the tops for the month so far.  I'm feeling a bit in the dumps today so I figured I'd do a quick AWEsome post.

Stripper Sheep

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week.  And we couldn't help but take a photo.  Because. This. Is. Hilarious!  Dontcha think?  First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over.   Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties.  And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter.  How could it not?  Sheep with leotards?  It was the highlight of our night!

My newest drooltastic thing

Welcome to the Disney Dream, Disney Cruise Line's newest ship.  And I have the opportunity to sail on this beauty in about 5 months.  Talk about saving my pennies!

2010 Promise Walk - Wausau

I'm about two months behind, but finally sharing some highlights and photos from the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia that was in early June.  We about doubled the number of participants and met the goal of $3700 with fantastic support.  We had awesome raffle prizes and entertainment again.  I had more preeclampsia survivors than I anticipated, which while I'm not excited they had to experience it, I'm happy they joined us.

Here are some photo highlights...

 

The above photos were taken by my buddy Seth.  I have more taken by another friend and will have to add some of those later as they are on the other computer.

ETA:  a couple more photos....

Someone fun to read

If you were not reading Christie over at Baby Tea Leaves before, be sure to check out her new blog Average Moms Wear Capes!  She's quite the read and she has a cool giveaway for those who like to run/jog/walk...check it out!

Yes, I am still alive

Hello blog-land!  Life has been a whirlwind, but we are in the new house and frantically (okay, maybe not frantically) trying to unpack.  And I have realized this last week that I miss this, I miss writing.  For a very, very long time I have.  Great, now I am speaking like Yoda.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Anywho, I have lots of ideas that have been bubbling in my brain this last week and I have pledged to myself to take a few minutes each day to write.  That may not translate into a daily post, but I'm hoping once I get back into the spirit of things, I will be around much more often and able to visit others.

Much bloggy love to everyone, I miss you!

Panic Spectrum

Most people that know me IRL are aware that in most instances of my life I am a planner.  Yes, one of those Type A planners who has to have almost everything spelled out ahead of time.   If I don't, the panic sets in.  At the moment, the panic train has made a stop at our home and I am being whipped around on that sucker. 

We close on the house this coming Friday.  And because I still have 5-6 days where "something" could happen, I am in slight panic.  Not to mention that we have less than two weeks to move and packing, while commenced, still needs some work.  We want to paint the kid's rooms this weekend and now I only have a sitter for one day and am on the search for the other.  (sigh.  It never ends.)  We still don't know if we are going to rent a truck to move or not (longer story).  I figured buying a house was stressful, but I didn't truly comprehend just how much. 

My day job has been spectacular.  Not.  (wow, haven't used that phrase in forever)  I'm trying to finish up a report on an offender for the courts and have it completed tomorrow.  Now, I will own the fact that I did some major procrastination with this report and it's totally coming back to bite me in the ass now.  Awesome.   The panic for work is coming in with two court hearings in the next week or so.  I will have to most likely testify at both, something that I have yet to do.  Even more awesomeness.  The one is on Friday in the morning and we close on the house in the afternoon, nothing like ruining my day.  :)   There are days when I love what I do, but some days are just hard.  We deal with difficult and emotional situations.  I try not to bring it home, but there are days when I rides home in my back pocket with me and sneaks up when I have a free minute or attempt to fall asleep. 

Did I mention that we have packing to do?  And guess where my husband is right now.  In bed, completely sick and hung over.   I don't care to say much beyond that as I'm trying to not be  a negative nelly in this post, but failing miserably it seems.

On the positive.....got to see some terrific fireworks last evening with my kiddos.  I made a difficult decision eariler this week and fretted about it, but ultimately said no and did what was best for me.  I am trying to reign in the chaos that is our life this summer and this decision was part of that.  And best of all, this week we'll have the keys to our house!!!

Time Flies

It's been over an entire month since I blogged.  Wow.  Here is a quick synopsis of June...

• Promise Walk for Preeclampsia---very successful.  Photos & post coming soon.
• Busy at the day job.  
• Getting Disney clients ready to head on vacation in approximately 45 days.  Most are during the free dining offer.
• Camping.  Let's just call that trip a "series of unfortunate events" and leave it at that.
• Packing, cleaning, and general stress due to the fact that we are.......

BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!

The week of the walk we looked at a house we had liked online and within days had put an offer in on it.  Right now we are set to close on July 16th, barring any issues.  And yes, it's me, so there are issues.   I'll post on that coming up too.

Hope everyone had a fantastic June.