Feeling done

I'm feeling so done with certain people in my life.  They can push all the bullshit they want in their own lives, but need to stop shoveling that shit to me.  For people who profess to be family and that family matters, you have a funny way of showing it.  For the people who profess to call me friend and that I'm important to you, yet your actions to not match your words, I'm tired of being sidelined, useful to you only when you are in crisis.  This creates toxicity for me and I cannot have it.  I am worthy of a caring, respectful, and reciprocal relationship.

I have found myself reverting back to old habits, things my codependentness loves.  Feeling like I'm helping, but really I'm enabling or doing things for you.  And it's not a healthy place for me to be.  Last night, I got angry.  Really, damn angry.  Which pains my heart, but it also serves as the catalyst for my awareness and change.

Close of 2016

The end of 2016 is almost here and I have made little time for writing.  I'm working up some personal goals and changes for the next year, not resolutions as I don't care for those, but honest-to-goodness change.  I've always sort of chuckled when I heard that when you hit age forty that you stop caring about what others think.  There is a ring of truth in it for me, but I still care way too much of what others think.  It's part of my fear schema and it is something I want to change.

There has been loss, joy, loads of laughter, healing, and so much more this year. It's been a tough year, but yet a good one.  And I'm ready to give 2017 hell.

Relief

I ended up with both the diagnostic mammogram and a 25 minute ultrasound, but the radiologist believes the issue is a benign spot of fibrous tissue.  As the ultasound went on and on, I began to sweat it.  I started processing how we'd tell the kids, how I would need to make some changes with the business, etc.  And after an hour of nervousness, the doctor said it was all okay.

Now it's onto my upcoming hysterectomy, scheduled for mid-November.

Echoes

I put off scheduling my mammogram for about five months and finally got in last week.  I received a call the next morning that they'd like me to come back for a diagnostic mammogram and possible ultrasound.  In just over an hour, I'll be having a second boob-squish and finding out if there is something to worry about.

I've worked to not be freaked out and worried, but the echoes are there.  The faces of the ladies I know who are no longer with us after cancer stole their lives.  The faces of the ladies who have undergone surgery and other treatment and came out on the other side.  The faces of my fellow women who have shared that they haven't gone in to have a mammogram yet.  They are there, present in my mind, being remembered and providing a reminder that things can go from zero to shitstorm quickly.  The faces that push me over the edge when I delve into the echoes is my children.  When I think of how our lives, their lives, could change this week, it strikes fear into my heart.

Logically, I know everything could be fine.  I know that as a reduction gal, mammos can be a challenge at times.  I know that it just might be breast tissue change and everything is fine.  But the echoes remain.

Wed morning gratitude

This morning I am thankful for....

• a four cheese souffle from Panera
• daisies in my garden
• baby Dory and the time to go see Finding Dory yesterday afternoon
• my hearing:  I can listen to music, hear the neighbor mowing, the truck that just rumbled by, and the breathing of my dog as he sleeps.

Gratitude Exercise

A grateful and open heart.  I've been closing myself off again lately and want to focus on gratitude to help me with having a grateful and open heart.

Today, I am thankful for....

• Courage - having the courage to step up and make tough choices, knowing that those choices are the right ones for me.
• Summer fruit
• The laughter of my daughter.

Hello, old friend

I've been thinking about coming back and writing for quite some time.  Today, I took the step of actually doing so.  I had been intended to utilize the blogger app on my phone to start blogging again, but alas it appears the app is no more?  I'm guessing I need to have some form of google app to access it that way.

Gosh, it's been almost a year since I've visited and posted.  I intend to post photos or brief thoughts to  breathe some life back into my blog.  We'll see how that goes. ;)

Winding down

Summer is winding down, school begins tomorrow.  There is always that bittersweet taste to this time of year.

Starting early

The Hubs and I will be taking a 3-night Disney cruise in February.  Since we are at a stage where this isn't much to plan, I started on some creations for our door magnets.  

Spring has sprung

We've been working on re-doing a flowerbed in the back yard over the last month.  I've been finding peace working with the earth between all the other gardening I've been doing as well.  Here are a few highlights from the last month or so.

Dragonflies at the local park

Wellness Journey

Bam, nothing like a photo of myself to start out this post.  However, I did it for a reason.  That lady (yes, me) deserves to love herself, to think she is worthy, and to know it will all be okay.  To the little girl hiding inside her that just wants to be loved, without question, without judgement, and without expectation....you are loved.

Some of this is going to be  ramble as there are many thoughts racing through my brain at the moment.  Stick with me, please.  Many thanks!

I know some hate the selfie craze that has taken hold with so many people, but for me it's been a great thing.  I didn't find myself in a great deal of photos up until a few years ago; some because I'm usually the one behind the camera and two because of the way I felt about myself & the fears I had.  Selfies have been an amazing thing for me once I started following a group of ladies (#365feministselfies) on Instagram last year.  See a great explanation here.  To be able to show the real you, not always the "made up" you.  I think that's pretty awesome and was something I could get behind.  Myself and other women should feel comfortable being ourselves, for showing our everyday faces, and sharing that love with each other.  And so, I have become much more comfortable having my photo taken.  And I intend to continue taking selfies or having my photo taken; it's a beautiful thing.

And here comes a difficult photo to share....

Low point?  The ugly?  Not sure what to call it, but this is a side shot of me today.  As in 10 minutes ago.  I started following some fat-to-fit accounts on Instagram and one of the ladies shared that she was so thankful to have the side shot comparisons 9 months into her journey.  And with that inspiration, here is my starting point today.  240.2 pounds of me (ouch, that hurt to put out there).  I certainly am not happy with how I feel, how I look, and the concerns of tomorrow's health, so begins this journey.  #operationlovemyself I'm calling it. 

This isn't about losing weight.  It's about transforming fully into myself.  To stop hiding behind the weight and to stop living in so much fear.  This is a journey that has been in the making, I've been working with a therapist for 2+ years on personal stuff and that work will continue.  Heck, that work work will be a lifetime journey in itself.  I've worked to set up tools & techniques and will continue adding more to my life in order to be the healthiest me I can be.

Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.

I've been trying to create more movement within my day.  From parking further away in a parking lot, to taking the stairs, to yard work, etc.  This morning I hopped on the bike for a quick two mile ride.  About 20 seconds of it sucked, but the rest made me feel wonderful.  And almost an hour later, I'm still feeling the energy high.  

Since part of my wellness journey is to engage my right brain more with creativity and play as well as inviting more movement, I want to write about my journey.  It's not for you, dear read, but for me.  Without being disrespectful, I don't care if anyone reads this.  This is my space to write and express my journey, for me.  I just happen to have a public space to do so in.  However, if you do stop by for a read now and then, please feel free to offer some encouragement and love.  Ack, asking for that was almost as painful as sharing the photo and weight.  I would so greatly appreciate knowing others out there are supportive.

And on that closing note, be well everyone!

Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

May 2015 Preeclampsia Awareness Month

It's that time of year again.  The time in which I roll out the red carpet for preeclampsia awareness.  In reality, I do that all year long; however there is always a highlight that happens in May.  May is designated as Preeclampsia Awareness Month (#PreAM) and also happens to be the month in both my preeclampsia babies were born.

Quick recap....
Baby 1 - HELLP Syndrome (class I) at 34w5d; Ariana is born weighing 4lbs and spends 18 days in the hospital.
Baby 2 - Gestational hypertension at 32 weeks, induced at 37 weeks with a preeclampsia diagnosis. My BP upon check-in that morning was 200/100. Phoenix was born weighing 5lb6oz and got to come home with us two days later.

I've been involved with the Preeclampsia Foundation since late 2003 and volunteering for over 10 years now.  In that time, I've had the honor and priviledge of meeting some incredible individuals who make a difference each day in the lives of moms & babies and individuals who have lost their loved ones (sometimes a baby, sometimes a mom, sometimes babies, sometimes mom & baby).

So, don't know what I'm talking about?  You didn't know moms could get really sick during pregnancy?  Need to know more?  Be sure to check out www.preeclampsia.org.

Do it.  Right now.  You can come back here later and visit.

time flies

Time flies when one is adventuring in life, doesn't it.  Things are settling down after some bumpy times, that includes me, which is a wonderful thing.  I've had some terrific opportunities that I am so thankful for and along with that has come the support of my loved ones.

Family Photo