thankful for mostly good health

today i am simply thankful for good health.  yes, i am overweight and not in awesome shape.  but i do not have the worries some do as they wage a battle against cancer or some other health issue. 

anniversary

today is our wedded anniversary.  14 years of wedded bliss.  okay so it's probably more like 12 years of wedded "bliss" and 2 years of "something else" totaling it up.  we have had our ups and downs, and more downs recently, but we have worked together and attempted to stay communicating the best we can.  my partner has his moments (as do i) but we make the best we can out of each day.  what more can you ask for?

fish nickels

yes, i am fully aware i have not posted anything in the last three days.  it's been one heck of a weekend, but focusing on the positive has mostly remained strong.  here are the hilights and the lowlights of the last several days.

• both kids have been diagnosed with adhd and we now have both on medication.  (no judgements, if you want to expound about how i shouldn't put my kids on meds, you can quite frankly go shit yourself.)  kidlet 1 has been on meds for some time and the other will start tomorrow.  and i am really crossing my fingers for some positive reaction for kidlet 2.  he really could use it. 
• i seriously am about crafted out after hitting several projects for J's party this weekend.  but i have some artwork to create yet for the following weekend as i participate in the fun sport of Ironman WI spectatorship.
• i do not really talk about my side business much, but i do just have to post a slight rant.  it will make me feel better.  if you are going to contact a travel agent to book your trip and that person indicates that they will monitor for discounts, you do not need to email that person twice in one day to ask about the discount.  that person has taken care of it but has not had the opportunity to email you yet. 
• a friend found out she has a softball size tumor on her uterus last week and will be heading into surgery near the end of this week.  that sucks.  no other words for it.  hoping with all that i have that it is nothing and the surgery is the end of it for her.
• watching Ironman Louisville last evening (thanks to my IM pal, Sep).  what a freaking amazing experience.  it makes me even more excited for Sept 9th
• i read a fb status today in which a child declared "fish nickels" as an expletive and after a session with the developmental pediatrician this morning and further tweaking a plan for kidlet 2, we were in need of a expletive to say as he has been saying some other choice word.  and our family has now adopted "fish nickels" as our family swear word.  it makes me giggle which is the point.  hopefully it will do the same for him.

between a lack of sleep, a crabby-ass partner, a kid with a motor revved on MAX this week...i am ready either dissolve into laughter or tears.  i keep hoping for laughter.  :)  and so onto the next day i go.

long day

i do not have much energy this evening and not sure why i am feeling so flippin' bushed, but it has been a long day.  and one that i am simply thankful to be breathing. 

that is all.

Crazy kid

hard to find

gratitude and happiness at this exact moment are difficult to find.  earlier today, however, was a different experience.  we spent 4 hours at the pool today, doing absolutely nothing.  it was amazing.  i got some reading done, observed some hairstyle ideas (dying to cut it again), and worked on more color (yes, i know tanning is bad for me).  but it was an awesomely perfect afternoon.

less stress

today's gratitude/happiness snapshot is of my new job.  i love the fact that the biggest stressor of my job is a volunteer who gets territorial about their "job" that they donate their time for.  gone are the days of almost daily stress headaches, feeling beat down on a regular basis, feeling not valued by my management team.  now i am told on a regular basis how happy my supervisor is to have me here and i have freedom to try and do new things or to put an updated spin on an "old" way of doing something.  i have freedom to be myself and not censor myself with management for the most part.  i love it.

mental at the dental

today i am thankful and appreciative of dental insurance.  i had to have a cavity taken care of that i have been putting off for 6+ months.  it is the last tooth on the bottom right side, on the inside of the tooth.  the dentist remarked it was one of the most difficult areas to work on.  once the lower half of my face was feeling three times the normal size and nice & tingly, she set to work.  my throat was partially numb and they had to push my tongue out of the way which resulted in a sensation of my throat being closed off.  i could breathe through my nose and had to stay focused to breath in & out to not freak the heck out.  thankfully she took breaks so i could breath through my mouth and feel as if i was catching my breath.  i am glad it is over and super happy to have dental insurance to help cover the cost of this dental adventure.

positivity

positivity is something i have been lacking for some time.  i thought i was on an upswing with it, but after a few lovely chats with various friends over the last two weeks i was reminded that negativity persists.  and so i am on a mission to post at least one positive thing in my daily life for the next 30 days.  and to keep me on it, i am pledging to donate $1 towards a organization that i do NOT support due to conflicting personal views on a personal issue.  the name of the organization i will keep to myself, but i would dread to make a donation to it.  sounds like such positive talk right?  well, it is going to provide some additional motivation.

i am struggling to remain positive throughout the day and avoid letting the little things get to me.  i am tired of whining/complaining and wish to be more gracious for the awesome things i do have in my life. i started a happiness (i just typed happenis and corrected it, not sure where that falls in my positive thoughts today)before and will pick it back up again.

today i am grateful for the following things:  a roof over my head, children who are magical and believe in magic, the internet, and seeing bright stars all weekend.

Olympics

through the eyes of a child

Joining a fellow blogger over at Average Moms Wear Capes with her Foto Friday.  These are all photos taken by one of my children when they snagged the point & shoot when I wasn't looking.  I always chuckle as most of their photos are blurred as they have difficulty waiting the two seconds for the photo to actually take before they are onto the next thing.  And I always love to see what they find interesting enough to photograph.

all out 80's craziness

My husband turns the big 4-0 this year and what better way to celebrate than throwing him an 80's birthday party!  Plans are in place for an awesome shindig, but since he occasionally visits here, I can't share them right now.  But I can't freakin' wait to see it all come together and watch folks have fun!

all out craziness

Love Who You Want

A friend posted this today and it touched me deeply:  It Could Happen To You 
As someone who has people I love who are gay, Shane and Tom's story struck a chord.  There are family members in their lives who do not support their "lifestyle" and they unfortunately act like asshats to them.  I cannot fathom how one cannot be happy for a loved one who has found love and is loved in return.

Fear and Change

*note - this post is not for the faint of heart.*

Things became clearer this evening and although I am not at the peak yet, I'm ready (and scared shitless) to lay it all out there.  A friend shared with me a quote she heard the other day, "Be honest with yourself why you really eat."  And the being honest part is the total rub.  I can tell you that I eat because 1. I'm hungry  2. I'm an emotional eater 3. Because I'm bored.  Since I heard that phrase, it's been turning over and over inside my head.  And tonight as I watched another episode of EM: Weight Loss Edition and several themes in that young lady's life ran parallel to mine, the phrase kept repeating.  I have been trying very hard to not eat in the evenings as that is my "snacky" time.  But tonight I became edgy and ran upstairs to get some chips & dip.  I munched for about 5 minutes and felt sick to my stomach as I truthfully faced what emotions were really coursing through my body.  I took the snacks back upstairs and came back down.  And I cried.  I watched this young woman face the self doubt and loathing that I feel deep inside that I try hard not to let out.  I saw this beautiful child face the pain of having to be the grown-up in a parent/child relationship and it hit home for me.  A daughter with an absent father and as she tried to accept the less than perfect life and parent/child relationship, I watched as she took control of her life and accepted that she cannot change him and it is okay to not have a close relationship.  I saw a girl who had turned to food to comfort herself, to drown her feelings, and to create this self protective cocoon around herself by being 'big.'  I saw so much of myself.  And for the first time I accepted and welcomed the flood of emotions.  I didn't just stuff them.  And it fucking scares me to death.

I get that we all have our lot in life and we all deal with it how we deal with it.  I've always felt as if I do an okay job of dealing with it.  Except if I'm being honest with myself (and since that is the name of the game for this post), I am a stuffer.  I stuff the emotions and put on the happy face.  I do not want others to see what I am feeling or fearing.  And at times it has made me feel as if I am void inside.  True joy and happiness has not been felt on a regular basis.

I have always accepted the fact that my sperm donor is a piece of shit.  I knew from little on that my biological father did not want to be a part of my life and it was better off that way.  I know he was into drugs and that I have several half siblings in this world through him.  It never really bothered me much as a child, to be honest.  It was just how my life was.  I remember a time where my cousins and I had our photos taken and when the newspaper guy asked for our parents names, my cousin replied that I didn't have a dad.  It is my earliest memory where I can recall feeling that perhaps my life was "different."  My dad (step-dad) came into our lives when I was 11 and it changed our lives.  However because of my age and where I was at, I really did not become comfortable calling him my dad until I was an adult, and didn't do so in his presence until the last few years.  There have been times over the years that I have felt resentful that my sperm donor chose to be a douchebag.  I do not feel a huge loss (that I can tell) not having him in my life.  It does feel awkward that I have this other biological family in the area and as far as I know, they are just fine with ignoring the result of a night in which their son got his teenage girlfriend drunk and pregnant.  What I do have issues with is the information that has come my way throughout the years.  I was around 10/12yo when I learned what his name was.  Years later, I was told that when my grandparents attempted to take him to court for child support/etc, things came out in court that cause(d) my mom to have her own issues.  My grandparents apparently dropped the court thing after that.  And that makes me angry.  I can understand why they did it.  I can say I'm happy I did not have to be one of those kids who had to shuffle back and forth, but it still makes me angry.  And over time, I've just accepted that it's okay to be angry about it.  There are several other childhood issues that make me angry or sad.  Things that I think I have worked to accept, but also accepted that I can feel angry about them.  None of those things have ever been whispered to my mother.  I just cannot do it. 


I have made choices in my life that are not for everyone.  That is the beauty of choice, isn't it.  I grew up with a strong perfectionist mindset and while I do not display that outwardly in my daily life, if I am being 100% honest, it still has a hold of me.  I do not feel worthy.  I have chosen to take comfort in food and wrapping myself in a layer of fat, knowing that I do not like the way I look, but so fucking scared to take down the walls.  They are there to keep people away.  There is a reason I don't allow people to get too close to me.  I am working on loving myself, but the positive self talk is a struggle most times.  Allowing others to love me.  Boy, that is tough at times.  It makes me uncomfortable to have the praise of others, even though I'm striving to do almost everything they want me to do or expect me to do.  Learning to accept that I am who I am and if someone does not like me or my choices, tough shit for them.  If they cannot accept me, it truly is there loss.  I have positive things to give others.  I know it in my heart.  And letting the real me shine through and taking pride in myself has allowed me to become a stronger woman.  A woman who is accepting and proud of her convictions (most of the time).

There are so many things I want to say and I never say them.  The reasons for not saying them are usually because I do not want to bring pain or sadness to another, yet I have no problem shouldering the experience myself.  There have been so many blog posts I've wanted to write but didn't because I was too scared.  Scared that I might offend someone or that someone close to me might think less of me after reading something.  Self censorship seemed easier.  But stifling oneself is a tragedy.  And it's one that I can no longer live with.  I can say (with some trepidation) that if you do not like what I have to say, then don't read.  I don't write for others, I'm writing for myself.  Something I have not done for a long, long time. In the last year, I have really been struggling to discover who I truly am and what makes me happy.  And in that process, it is difficult to be truthful that perhaps things are not the way you planned them to be.   To question what one can change and what one can accept in your life.  To know that outcomes of changes can have large impacts on those around you. 

It is time.  Time for me to take charge of my life and make it be everything I want and more.  To allow myself to feel without stuffing my face.  It is okay that I am scared to lose weight and be healthier, but that does not mean that I allow the fear to become failure.  That it is not impossible to commit to myself and my health.  Change is some scary shit, but it is so powerful and necessary at times.  In EM:WLE, Chris talks about how the year long process is a transformation.  And each episode I have watched has been awe-inspiring.  However, tonight's show took it to a whole new level for me and for that I am thankful.

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be.   Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. 

And now is right on time.”  ~Asha Tyson

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke