Anxiety Update

It’s been a while since I posted (of course).  Here’s a down and dirty on the anxiety status at our home:
December (prior to Christmas)–I arrange for Ari’s records to be sent to Dr. D (the child psychologist).  Then I find out that I need to complete a large packet prior to the office scheduling an appointment.  Nothing like a delay.  I receive the packet in the mail on Christmas Eve and spend time over the holidays answering questions such as “what fears does your child have?” and “what kind of discipline do you use with your child?”  I send the packet in right away with hope we get an appointment in January yet.
One week goes by.
Another week goes by.  I’m becoming anxious now about this appointment.  I think about calling, but tell myself that they need to review her records and the packet prior to scheduling the appoint.
I call at 3 weeks out.  And the receptionist says “We sent your packet out on Dec. 22 and have yet to receive anything back.”  Um, you’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me.  Yes, that is what I really said.  Two trains of thought instantly coursed through my mind.  1) Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  How can this be?  You HAVE to schedule her NOW.  2) sigh.  The paperwork got lost in the mail.  I want to cry.
I feel myself getting very emotional, but hold it together and firmly tell the woman that I sent back the packet right after Christmas.  She will mail me another, or I can stop by and pick it up.  It’s Wednesday.  My goal is to have it back to them by the next day or Friday at the latest.  We make arrangements for me pick up the packet.  I hang up and then I start to cry.  I am upset with myself for not calling sooner.  For not listening to my gut.  But what can I do at this point.  Fill out another damn packet, that’s what.
I collect myself and make another call.  Within minutes, Jason calls from home.  Thankfully he was home with a sick kid and guess who called?  Dr. D’s office.  They found the packet.  And we have an appt for the second week of February.  I think they worked us in due to the snafu.
During this time, Ari has had a pretty good time dealing with her anxiety.  No major “episodes” as I call them.  I start to question myself and our decision.  Are we doing the right thing?  I remind myself that we’ve gone weeks before where things were good and then whammo.  Anxiety/worries/emotional instability strikes.  And of course, that is exactly what happened.  The week of the full moon, hell broke loose.  A week and a half of upheaval.  It was exhausting.  And it reminded me that while she may great days/weeks, she still manages this on a daily basis.
And here we are.  Almost to her appointment.  It’s supposed to be this next Thursday.  And Friday, she brings home an invitation.  Her class is putting on a play.  She’s playing “mouse” and wants us to be there.  The play is at 2:15pm.  Guess what time her appointment is?  2:00pm.  And just the mention that perhaps she may not be in the play and we’d have to talk with her teacher about sends her over the edge.  So, I will be calling Monday to reschedule her appointment.
sigh.  I’m guessing it will be another month or two before we get in.

Act

I just cannot seem to get my act together.  I have finally (and I think it’s final proof) come to realize that I completely and utterly suck at time management.
I am constantly running behind in the morning.   I am sure I look like a lunatic trying to get things together in the morning.  Many nights I try to get things together the night before; the kids school stuff, lunches, my bags for work.  Something that bothers me is that I am usually the only one doing this.  My husband is not really a prepare the night before kind of person.  But we so both need to be.  This morning was bad, and we knew it would be bad going on with some extracurriculars happening this morning.
My time management at work as been nil.  I could use another 40 hours this week just for that.  I’m starting to really fall behind and being gone last week 3 days out of the week did not help.  Bah.
So, I have the opportunity to take an online course on Time Management.  But it’s 4 hours long.  Where do I find 4 hours to schedule that in?  Or do I just say, screw it and do it one morning next week?

2010 52 Book Challenge

So close and yet so far away.  I crammed in quite a few books at the end, but still fell short.  I’m hoping to achieve the 52 books in 2011.  Here is my list for 2010:
41. Lover Mine by J.R. Ward
40. Lover Avenged by J.R. Ward
39. Lover Enshrined by J.R. Ward
38. Lover Unbound by J.R. Ward
37. Lover Revealed by J.R. Ward
36. Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward
35. Lover Eternal by J.R. Ward
34. Dark Lover by J.R. Ward
33. The Rest of Her Life by Laura Moriarty
32. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
31. Promises in Death by J.D. Robb
30. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
29. The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordon
28. The Titan’s Curse by Rick Riordon
27. The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordon
26. Comeback by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontane
25. The Brazen Bride by Stephanie Laurens
24. The Reckless Bride by Stephanie Laurens
23. The Untamed Bride by Stephanie Laurens
22. Autobiography of a Fat Bride by Laurie Notaro
21. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
20. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
19. I Love Everybody (And other white lies) by Laurie Notaro
18. We Thought You Would Be Prettier by Laurie Notaro
17. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
16. How to Be Cool by Johanna Edward
15. Ten THings I Love About You by Julia Quinn
14. Married by Morning by Lisa Kleypas
13. The Keepsake by Tess Gerritsen
12. The Elusive Bride by Stephanie Laurens
11. Kindred in Death by JD Robb
10. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
9. notes left behind – 135 days with Elena by Brooke & Keith Desserich
8. Someone To Watch Over me by Lisa Kleypas
7. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
6. At Last Comes Love by Mary Balough
5. The Lightening Thief by Rick Riordan
4. Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
3. Testimony by Anita Shreve
2. Sam’s Letters to Jennifer by James Patterson
1. The Tenth Circle by Jodi Piccoult

2011 Meme

2011 Meme

Once in a while I find myself wanting to partake in meme-goodness.  Not sure why, but I do.  So with some encouragement and the meme from Aunt Becky, here is my 2011 Meme.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Had sex with a stranger
Um, nope.  I didn’t kiss a stranger either.  Or do anything else with a stranger. Perhaps that needs to be on my bucket list or resolutions for the year.  Seriously though, there isn’t really anything that comes to mind that I hadn’t done before.  I guess 2010 was a boring year in that regard.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
See previous post.  I made goals for 2010 and many of them remain on the list.  See upcoming post for 2011 goals.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
We’ve had some new babies in the family, but no one super close to me had a sprite this year.  I enjoy the babies, but it’s oh so wonderful to give them back once they cry or shite in their pants.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.  We won’t go to the place where I wished someone dead however.

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Time.  Energy.  And more time.

6. What countries did you visit?
I dreamed of other countries, does that count?

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
June 5th – Promise Walk day, awesome and emotional altogether
Nov 2nd – the day WI went red
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Working with my daughter to combat her anxieties and low self-esteem.  We still have miles to go, but we are well on our way.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taking care of myself in so many ways.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a lovely and most enjoyable bout with pneumonia in early November.  That rocked.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A house.  And my iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Great question.  On occasion it would be my kidlets or the husband. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The idiots that I work with at my day job, how some people chose to live their life amazes me.  And at times, it feels like no matter what change I help bring about, some will never choose a better path or to not hurt others.

14. Where did most of your money go?
This year, it went to a house.  And some crap to go in it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My house.  And a trip that never came to fruition unfortunately.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
BeenerKeKee
This guy will always remind me of this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Honestly, probably sadder.  But more hopeful.

ii. thinner or fatter? Hands down, fatter.  Awesome.

iii. richer or poorer? Richer and poorer.  We’ve got that mortgage to pay, but we’ve also paid our other debt waaaay the fuck down.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogged.  Read books.  Hang with the kidlets.  Dance.  Hang with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work.  Worry.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas is over and planning 2011 Christmas is a bit in advance for me.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
Aunt Becky threw in her own question here.  I guess I will do the same.
What is the most embarrassing CD/Album you’ve ever owned? O-Town

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yep.  I heart my iPhone.

23. How many one-night stands?
Is that a new piece of furniture?  Unfortunately, my hoochie-coochie is too old and dusty for that sort of thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Castle.  Nathan Fillon is wonderful.  And I’ve had a thing for him since he was on All My Children.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word, but yes I do.  Or at least something close to hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
Coming Back by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontaine.  A heartbreaking journey of a family who’s daughter became a heroin addict.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brandi Carlisle Her music is haunting and delightful.  And I had the opportunity to see her in concert this year, which was rockin’ fantabulous!

28. What did you want and get?
I’ll stick with my age old 2011 meme reply….a house.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Avatar

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday, I think.  It was obviously very memorable.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Vacation.  To. Anywhere.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
More jewelry

34. What kept you sane?
Not quite sure I am sane.  But usually when I downslide, that husband of mine helps me through things.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I strongly fancy me some Matt Damon, Brad Pitt. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
There are a few, but reproductive choice is one of my biggies.  Currently, it’s the blanket thought out there by some that state employees are the reason our state is bankrupt and are lazy.  Those people get a big “F-U” from me on that one.

37. Who did you miss?
My friend D, who rocks.  My grandpa, who hasn’t been with us for a long time.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Not many new people this year for me personally.  I will grandfather in my work husband, Sep.  Although we met two years ago, he started working in my office this year which has been fun and entertaining.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Stop sweating the small stuff.  Let things go.
Oh wait, I’m still learning those.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
C-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” and Bruno Mars “Just the Way You Are”

A year comes to a close

A year comes to a close

My goals for 2010 were as follows:

• Feel comfortable in my own skin
• Laugh even more
• Scrapbook more
• Be healthier
• Pay off debt / Sock $ away for house!
• Read, read, and then read some more
• Take more photos
• Experiment more with my camera

Let’s just say I did not get to a few of those.  Quite a few.  A few more than I thought I’d get to.  2010 saw us taking the plunge and buying a house after we paid off mucho debt in 2009 (yay!).  I did get some reading done, but not as much as I would have like.  I took the least amount of photos in 2010 than in years and did not explore my camera the way I wanted to.  Feeling comfortable in my own skin will always be a challenge me thinks as will being healthier.
I’ve learned a great deal this year as well.  I am not as strong as I pretend to be.  I am losing patience as I get older apparently and quite enjoy being pissy while I drive.  I appreciate my family in a new way this year and have come to accept that while I love the people close to me, I don’t always have to like them on occasion.  And that is totally okay.
I have big hopes and dreams for 2011.  And that is for another post.

Moving Along

After discussion and more discussion, we are seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist for children.  I had to complete this huge packet of information before they will schedule an appointment and apparently it’s a 3-4 month wait anyway.  Fingers crossed we get in before March.  The pedi will not prescribe meds since A is so young, but she’s doing what she can to get us in sooner than usual.  Of course, we make the decision to try meds and A has had a great couple of weeks.  Sure, there have been ups and downs, but overall she is doing good.
I feel like we are making the right choice for A and our family, but it is still so damn scary.  Like I’m about to jump off this precipice with no return.  All of the what if’s.  But they exist anyway, don’t they.  All I can hope is trying the mds helps her mellow out a bit and be more smooth with not such wide swings of emotion and worry.
I came across a book entitled “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid” and I love it.  It’s about life with special kids.  I haven’t finished the book yet, but from what I’ve started it seems like good reading.  It makes me laugh and not feel so alone in the thought that I wish some people would tone down the talk about how “perfect” their kids are.  We all know at least one person who is like that.    Some of you have shared your struggles with me, and I deeply appreciate it.  I haven’t taken the time to say thank you (and I’m sorry for that), but your words (J and D) touched my heart.
So for now we are simply moving along.  Moving along in doing more research with reading, moving along with doctor/counselor appointments, moving along with open minds.

moving on

I've decided to move on to another location.  I'll be sending facebook messages out with the new link.  If I miss you or you are not on facebook, shoot me an email at dlang76 at yahoo dot com and leave me a comment that you did so.

Technically Challenged

I was attempting to change the template design of the blog, but I seem to be having technical difficulties.  Awesome.  I go into template designer and nothing loads.  No matter how long I sit there.  Frickfrack!

Holidays

It's been awhile again.  Sorry about that.  It's the same old story, swamped as usual. 

I hope that each of you had a spectacular holiday season so far, whatever you celebrate.  Ours has been filled with ups and downs, but memorable nonetheless.  The kids ate entirely too much sugar.  We ate too much food in general on at least one occasion.  More for my dearest husband. ;)  Lovely gifts were exchanged and it was wonderful to visit with family that I haven't talked with for a time.

The new year is coming, and coming up quick.  It has me doing my annual thinking of what I'm getting out of life and how/what to change.  My goals for 2010 were somewhat successful, a few were not reached.  Whether I pass those along to next year or not remains to be seen.

I've also been thinking that perhaps the reason I'm not writing is due to the possibility of certain eyes reading this.  And with that, I've been weighing whether or not to relocate the blog.  I've fallen back into the trap of caring what other people think and while I know it's not right or correct, it does weigh on my mind.  So, I'm tossing that idea around.  Those of you who are "regulars," no worries.  I'll be sure to keep you posted.

This mixed bag for a post will come to an end now.  Again, may each of you have a wonderful holiday season!

Vent

Some days I just do not know what to do or where to turn.  We had one of *those* evenings with A today.  It was a brief 15 minutes or so, but quite honestly I am tired of dealing with them.  And I know I can't be.  But some days are just too much.  I'm thankful today was only a short time and she had a quick and great recovery.  But man, it is such a roller coaster.

I have been trying to do some research on the web about children & anxiety, reading books, trying to gather and try new techniques.  But it never feels like I'm doing enough.  And at times, I am overwhelmed at having to do it all myself.  The husband is not taking my discussion of the medication possibility well, and I didn't respond very well to that.  Lovely, made myself feel even more like crap then.

I do not really have anything great to say and I guess I am wallowing a bit in self pity, needing to vent.

Thankfulness

“Be thankful for hard times in your life. Try not to look at them as bad things, but as opportunities to grow and learn.”

This quote caught my eye and I think helps place those difficult moments into perspective.  I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends near and far, good health, knowledge, hope and magic.  

It is difficult at times to appreciate those moments that get you down.  When your child is screaming at you that you do not care about her.  When your child hits you because you said no.  With reflection, I must be grateful for those times.  I am grateful that I and my children are here to suffer through those parenting difficulties.  I am thankful that my husband and I each have our own mind with our own ideas, beliefs, and thoughts.  Even if that creates slight disagreements.  I am grateful for their love. 

I am very thankful for the good health of some loved ones who have waged war against cancer.  My dad just had another scope and got a good bill of health.  He will continue to have scopes and the treatments as bladder cancer's rate of reoccurence is pretty high.  I'm thankful our friend Laura battled breast cancer and won.  She did so with grace and bravery. 

I am unsure if I can even put into words how awesome it is to own our first home.  Sure, there are some things we need to unpack yet and projects aplenty, but that is what makes it fun, right?  Every few days or so, my husband looks at me with this magnificent grin and tells me he loves our house.  The joys and pains of homeownership are still being enjoyed here.

Magic is in our lives each and every day, from the twinkle in my children's eye to the freshly fallen snow reflecting the bright sun.  I am so very thankful for that as well. 

Difficult

I've tried to start this post so many times over the last week.  And each time I have given up.  The words too difficult to pour forward.  Too difficult to write without tears obscuring my vision.  And too difficult to imagine what life will be like in the future.

I've mentioned briefly before that Ari was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year.  But I haven't written much about it since.  And my hope is to start doing so in order to just even sort out my own thoughts.

There are days we have no idea what child we will get.  Will the sweet, happy child awaken?  Or will the dragon child?  Will she be happy-go-lucky in the morning only to fall apart after we pick her up from school?  And how will the evening go?  Endless questions as to what will happen.  Each day.  Some days or weeks are better than others.  We can go weeks without a full blown breakdown.  But we can tell when it's starting to build.  And we do whatever we can to avoid it, but it happens nonetheless.  We manage.  We struggle.  We cry.  And we laugh.  We get to ride the roller coaster with her.  And it sucks.  Plain and simple.  Even though I get to ride in the cart with her, I cannot imagine what daily life is truly like for her.  Trying to hold herself together during the day at school and then feeling safe enough at night to decompress, even if that means it ends up in a trantrumatic fight.  There are days we simply do what we can to help her.  And it often doesn't feel as if it's enough.

When she had testing earlier this year, it was brought out that she suffers from low self esteem.  Duh, we already knew that.  But what we didn't know prior to that is that she sometimes thought she shouldn't be alive because she's not good enough.  We were told she didn't have a depressive disorder and didn't understand what suicide really was.  Sigh of relief right?  That's what we thought.  I've told her father that if we cannot help her along her path of life well enough, I can see her developing an eating disorder or becoming a cutter.  Suicide is not something that any parent ever wants to imagine their child thinking about, especially at age seven. 

However, that is what we have had to think about over the last two weeks.  The other weekend, she became very upset at me and during her blow up in her room, she created a card for me.  The front was beautiful with pink letters saying "I love you mom" and hearts.  The inside left page speaks of being sorry for her actions earlier in the evening.  And on the left inside page...."I'm sorry I am so stupid."  With a drawing of herself.  Putting a sword into her belly with blood dripping down, pooling on the floor. 

Yes, that is what we have been dealing with.  I had to have a discussion with my seven year old to discover if she was seriously thinking of harming herself while internally freaking out, wondering if we need to hide our knives and take her to the hospital.  Through sobbing, I managed to learn that she was not serious about hurting herself, but did think she shouldn't be alive because she is too stupid.  I made her promise to not hurt herself and told her we'd discuss it with her counselor.   The counselor believes this is just how she is expressing herself.  That she does not really understand what truly her photo meant.  I cannot tell you how every fiber of my being hopes she is right.  Trying to have a discussion about suicide with an intelligent young lady while not trying to teach her about suicide is delicate.  No other word for it.

We hear often that no one cares about her, that we don't love her.  I can tell her until I am blue in the face that I love her and she's the most beautiful and special girl and she doesn't believe me.  Makes one feel like a huge fat failure as a parent that's for sure.  It makes us wonder what lays ahead for her, for us.  And makes us wish that things could be easier for her.

It's been a great week this week.  I'm sure the high's and low's will continue.  We'll have more fights.  There will be more laughs, more awesome moments.  Those make the unbearable days more bearable.

National Prematurity Month

Eight years ago, I was preparing to finally leave the first trimester behind.  The yukkies were (hopefully) almost over.  I was a prepared preggo.  I read books, joined websites, and read all the materials my doctor gave me.  And yet, when the pain struck that day in May of 2003 I had no idea what was happening.  First, I was told it was my gall bladder and then the news came.  You will be having your baby this weekend.  What?  Um no.  We have Lamaze this weekend and she's not supposed to be here for another 5+ weeks. 

What happened then became a haze as I entered in the world of HELLP Syndrome.  Something I had no clue even existed.  Something that I have since learned takes the lives of women and children on a regular basis.  I developed severe preeclampsia just shy of 35 weeks and had to deliver my baby in order to save my own life in addition to hers.  That 4lb guppy is now seven years old and is very healthy physically.

Fast-forward three years and our son is born at 37 weeks (what my OB calls "not quite term-ish").  I had been battling gestational hypertension for about five weeks prior to D-day.  And that day, my OB told me it was a good day for me to deliver as things appeared to be heading south within my body.   He was born slightly early and while small at 5lbs 6oz, he did great and came home with us.

So many friends & family members have walked the road of prematurity.  It's a road I would not wish upon anyone.  No one dreams of having a baby in the NICU.  The dreams of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" birth go quickly out the door.  And the guilt that comes along the prematurity road is horrifying.  Asking yourself daily what you did to cause this.  Is the issue your child is having now related to their prematurity?  This is not a fun or easy path to walk.

But having a premature baby allows a gratefulness for life to enter your life that I'm not sure otherwise can be introduced.  You cherish the small things and are so damn proud of the accomplishments your child makes.  You know and have empathy for the road that others travel with difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, and issues with your child.

Please visit the March of Dimes to learn more about prematurity and how to help us fight it.

A Week of Hell

I haven't been able to come up with an adequate post to describe this last week, but I do need to ask for good thoughts please.  We could certainly use them as we figure out some things.

Deep Inside In Heart

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother.  But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety.  The summer was pretty smooth sailing.  Now that school has started, things have heated up for her.  And some days it's just almost too much.  It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school.  Too many choices overwhelm her.  Not enough and she gets pissed.  Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her.  And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom.  Did I make her like this?  Am I encouraging it in some way?  Will life ever be easier for her?  To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest.  They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces.  They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times.  They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl.  We see that too, of course.  But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart.  And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.