The kids got up waaaayyy too early this morning. Ariana crawled her way into our bed around 5:30am and then proceeded to wiggle like a worm for the next 30 minutes. Then at 6am, Phoenix made his presence known.
Ugh, I remember the days of sleeping in, pre-kids, fondly.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sperm Donor
I do not know my biological father (aka, sperm donor). I have zero contact with him or his family. My mom became pregnant when she was a teen and let's just say that things did not go well with sperm donor. He's an ass. And not just because he didn't want anything to do with me. He was horrible to my mother, the things he said were awful. Could it have been simply teenage stupidity? Sure, but not something I can forgive.
Not having a father was never a big issue for me. It was just my reality. The first memory I have of feeling badly about it was at a summer thing for dairy month at the library and I was with my cousins. The newspaper had taken our photo and was getting our parents names. When they asked for mine, I said my mom's name. And when they asked for my dad's name, one of my cousins replied that I didn't have a dad. I can still remember that moment clearly. I can remember how the sun was filtering through the trees and the sweet taste of ice cream on my lips from moments before. I remember the odd feeling I had as I contemplated me not having a dad.
I admit I didn't have a life shattering reaction and really haven't at all in my almost 32 years. But a seed was planted. A leaf of doubt would pop out over the years, but I still have nowhere near a full-fledged plant even today. I won't give him the credit. I learned his first name eventually, and that he wasn't a real good person. I knew my life would have been completely different if he would have been involved in my life. Upon meeting my husband, we discovered that sperm donor's mother babysat for my husband when he was a small child as they lived across the street from them. What a small fucking world, huh?
I don't know if I've been in denial of the sense of loss or what. I've never really gotten pissed-off angry about it either. How do I know if I'm denying those feelings or I just don't care?
In the long run, I have a wonderful dad (step-dad) who has been simply wonderful to my mother and I. He is my true dad in every sense of the word. He cares about me in a way that I've never been graced with. (And if it says anything at all, I'm crying now that I write about him, not sperm donor). He was there to support me with whatever I did, is proud of my accomplishments, etc. One of my best memories is being in high school and having a boyfriend break up with me. I was heartbroken and wanted to go over to my girlfriends house. He wouldn't let me drive myself, so he drove me over and picked me up. All while listening to me attempting not to cry. I love my dad. I remember the love I felt as he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. The pride he had when he held his grandchildren for the first time. That man is a godsend to my mother and I.
I can't imagine sperm donor ever being like that. What kind of person just passes on his child? It's disconcerting to know that I have this other biological family residing in the same town. A few years back I was contemplating contacting them as I felt as I needed some medical history from them, but I chose not to go there. I wonder if they saw my engagement and wedding announcement, my children's birth announcements. Do they ever think about me?
I believe I've just accepted that sperm donor is an asshole and have chosen to move on with my life. But I still occasionally wonder, I can't help it.
Not having a father was never a big issue for me. It was just my reality. The first memory I have of feeling badly about it was at a summer thing for dairy month at the library and I was with my cousins. The newspaper had taken our photo and was getting our parents names. When they asked for mine, I said my mom's name. And when they asked for my dad's name, one of my cousins replied that I didn't have a dad. I can still remember that moment clearly. I can remember how the sun was filtering through the trees and the sweet taste of ice cream on my lips from moments before. I remember the odd feeling I had as I contemplated me not having a dad.
I admit I didn't have a life shattering reaction and really haven't at all in my almost 32 years. But a seed was planted. A leaf of doubt would pop out over the years, but I still have nowhere near a full-fledged plant even today. I won't give him the credit. I learned his first name eventually, and that he wasn't a real good person. I knew my life would have been completely different if he would have been involved in my life. Upon meeting my husband, we discovered that sperm donor's mother babysat for my husband when he was a small child as they lived across the street from them. What a small fucking world, huh?
I don't know if I've been in denial of the sense of loss or what. I've never really gotten pissed-off angry about it either. How do I know if I'm denying those feelings or I just don't care?
In the long run, I have a wonderful dad (step-dad) who has been simply wonderful to my mother and I. He is my true dad in every sense of the word. He cares about me in a way that I've never been graced with. (And if it says anything at all, I'm crying now that I write about him, not sperm donor). He was there to support me with whatever I did, is proud of my accomplishments, etc. One of my best memories is being in high school and having a boyfriend break up with me. I was heartbroken and wanted to go over to my girlfriends house. He wouldn't let me drive myself, so he drove me over and picked me up. All while listening to me attempting not to cry. I love my dad. I remember the love I felt as he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. The pride he had when he held his grandchildren for the first time. That man is a godsend to my mother and I.
I can't imagine sperm donor ever being like that. What kind of person just passes on his child? It's disconcerting to know that I have this other biological family residing in the same town. A few years back I was contemplating contacting them as I felt as I needed some medical history from them, but I chose not to go there. I wonder if they saw my engagement and wedding announcement, my children's birth announcements. Do they ever think about me?
I believe I've just accepted that sperm donor is an asshole and have chosen to move on with my life. But I still occasionally wonder, I can't help it.
Self Journey
Lately, I've been posting more "fluff" items and not really any deep issues. There's a reason for it, but it's one that I won't be going into anytime soon. But what I am going to aim to do is to work on my self journey. There are things in my life that I need to deal with / flesh out / accept / etc.
I'm a pretty fairly open person with many things (obviously, I have this blog), but when it comes right down to my inner self I don't share that. I have an extremely difficult time expressing my truest emotions and always have. To open up and share deep feelings is so painful for me. Painful is a way that I cannot find words to express. It's not painful in the sense that I have a lot of painful things that have happened, but it's painful to just plain open up. I hide a great deal of my emotions and am one of those "stuff the emotions" people. And I hate it. It's not particularly helpful, good for myself, or beneficial. It drives my husband crazy. He is one person I know I can count on to never judge me or criticize me for my feelings, but it's still amazingly difficult to share even with him.
It's something I want to work on. I don't like feeling this way and so I must tread forward.
I'm a pretty fairly open person with many things (obviously, I have this blog), but when it comes right down to my inner self I don't share that. I have an extremely difficult time expressing my truest emotions and always have. To open up and share deep feelings is so painful for me. Painful is a way that I cannot find words to express. It's not painful in the sense that I have a lot of painful things that have happened, but it's painful to just plain open up. I hide a great deal of my emotions and am one of those "stuff the emotions" people. And I hate it. It's not particularly helpful, good for myself, or beneficial. It drives my husband crazy. He is one person I know I can count on to never judge me or criticize me for my feelings, but it's still amazingly difficult to share even with him.
It's something I want to work on. I don't like feeling this way and so I must tread forward.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Two Things Survey
Got one of these surveys today and thought I'd post it here.
Two Names You go by:
1. Denise
2. Mom
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Old Navy Jeans
2. charcoal grey scarf knitted by my grandma
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. reliability
2. equality
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Play on the computer
2. Read books
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. To lose about 25 lbs.
2. To go someplace warm
Two pets you had/have:
1. AJ the fish
2. Tasha (RIP)
Two things you did last night:
1. Caught up on last two weeks of Grey's episodes
2. talked my husband to sleep ;)
Two things you ate today:
1. DiGornio Garlic Bread Pepperoni Pizza (Yum)
2. Mallow Cup
Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Jason
2. client (I'm at work)
Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Folding laundry, specifically towels
Two longest car rides:
1. 1992, Florida trip
2. 1998 Colorado Springs trip
Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Halloween
2. Christmas
Favorite beverages
1. Fanta Orange
2. Crown Royale & Coke
People no longer alive who you'd like to talk to:
1. My grandfather
2. PT
Two Names You go by:
1. Denise
2. Mom
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Old Navy Jeans
2. charcoal grey scarf knitted by my grandma
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. reliability
2. equality
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Play on the computer
2. Read books
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. To lose about 25 lbs.
2. To go someplace warm
Two pets you had/have:
1. AJ the fish
2. Tasha (RIP)
Two things you did last night:
1. Caught up on last two weeks of Grey's episodes
2. talked my husband to sleep ;)
Two things you ate today:
1. DiGornio Garlic Bread Pepperoni Pizza (Yum)
2. Mallow Cup
Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Jason
2. client (I'm at work)
Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Folding laundry, specifically towels
Two longest car rides:
1. 1992, Florida trip
2. 1998 Colorado Springs trip
Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Halloween
2. Christmas
Favorite beverages
1. Fanta Orange
2. Crown Royale & Coke
People no longer alive who you'd like to talk to:
1. My grandfather
2. PT
Riding the Bus
Well, she's off and riding. Ariana talked all morning about riding the bus today, and kept asking me if it was time for the bus to be at our home yet. I was so proud of her, she got right on. No issues whatsoever. I was nervous as last week, we hopped on the bus at school to show her the inside and she pulled the shy act on me. Today, she was full of confidence and excitement to see her friends. She didn't even want to say goodbye or give me a kiss, "Mom, I need to get to school." As the bus pulled away and I turned to walk back to the house, I couldn't help but tear up a little. My sweet baby girl is growing up.
Yes, this is my child
Beautiful drawing by Ariana, isn't it. She says it's a picture of herself. See those lines coming down by her legs? That's her pee and poop.
Lovely. Apparently the 4 year old mind is obsessed with body functions. Thankfully I know other 4 year olds who are as well. I don't feel so bad then.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Girlie, yet Not
So, while my daughter may love to wear dresses and play Princess dress-up, she is a tom-boy. There she is this morning playing dinosaurs and the dino family is having to escape an earthquake. Then a tornado came and wrecked what was left of the dino family's house. It's quite amusing to listen to her and see what's in that imagination of hers.
Black Friday
Let me say that I have never gotten up early to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I think all those people are nuts!
I stopped by Best Buy on Wednesday afternoon and the first two people were settling in line for Friday's opening. Um, really? I couldn't resist, I had to drive by at 9pm Thursday to see how many more were in line. They were lined up back to Dunham's, waiting in 18 degree chill. Is it worth it? I suppose it's more of a camraderie type of activity too.
I worked my first Black Friday in retail last night. Ugh, what a mess. Why can't people make an attempt at hanging things back on the hanger or even just putting the shirt you just tried on the right side out?
I stopped by Best Buy on Wednesday afternoon and the first two people were settling in line for Friday's opening. Um, really? I couldn't resist, I had to drive by at 9pm Thursday to see how many more were in line. They were lined up back to Dunham's, waiting in 18 degree chill. Is it worth it? I suppose it's more of a camraderie type of activity too.
I worked my first Black Friday in retail last night. Ugh, what a mess. Why can't people make an attempt at hanging things back on the hanger or even just putting the shirt you just tried on the right side out?
Cards for Soldiers
Let's Say Thanks is running again this holiday season. Xerox has a program where you can send a holiday card to a soldier serving overseas for free. You select a card and can either write your own message or select one from their large list. Please take a moment to say thanks.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Blessed Be
For me, Thanksgiving is a time to be reflective on what I am thankful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband and two awesome kidlets. We have fantastic friends & family. We are able to put food on our table and clothe our children.
In the big scheme of things, I'm thankful to alive. To breathe free air. To live in a time that allows me to speak my mind without censure (well, pretty much).
Blessed am I, I am rich with love and family.
In the big scheme of things, I'm thankful to alive. To breathe free air. To live in a time that allows me to speak my mind without censure (well, pretty much).
Blessed am I, I am rich with love and family.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Commercial
I have fallen in love with one of the new McDonald's commercials. It's the one where the kids walks in with his boombox and eats/jams to the music. The dad is hilarious!
Here is is on YouTube.
Here is is on YouTube.
Jaw Dropping
Let me start by saying I have never watched The Bachelor before, honestly. I find the premise of this show to be ridiculus. However, after seeing the preview of an episode the other week where a woman was not given a rose and she's hyperventilating and freaking out...I had to tune in. At first, I felt horribly guilty at finding this woman's misery amusing. Then I thought about how she (and all these others) signed up for this show, knowing that they would be competing with 30 other women for one man. Who gets to enjoy the fruits of all those women.
And a guilty vice was born, I had to watch the rest of the season (like 4 episodes).
The situation with this particular woman was so weird. He kept telling her that he really liked her as a friend, and she didn't pick up on that clue. Over and over. She'd reply that the best lovers start out as friends, blah, blah, blah. He didn't give her a rose that episode and she leaves sobbing and she can't breathe. He has to come out to console her. I found it ludicrous.
Hello, the "Bachelor" hasn't stayed with the woman he picked in all the seasons. The only couple that is together is Trista and Ryan from the Bachelorette. (By the way, Trista just gave birth to their son a few months ago and suffered from HELLP Syndrome). What is it that makes these women believe they will be the one that stays together. I know, I know. The hope of finding your true love, and so on. But, finding it on TV? Yes, it can happen. But really, how good are the odds?
I also didn't really care for this Bachelor too much, but his decision redeemed him. He came off as this loveable, funny, kind guy, but I found him kinda dumb. That was at first glance. I find it refreshing that he didn't choose anyone since he isn't "in love" with someone. And didn't do the whole, "let's take the time to get to know one another better, but still take the ring" route.
There is talk already that he does propose on the aftershow. That there is some big shocker. We'll just have to watch and see.
I so cannot watch next season.
And a guilty vice was born, I had to watch the rest of the season (like 4 episodes).
The situation with this particular woman was so weird. He kept telling her that he really liked her as a friend, and she didn't pick up on that clue. Over and over. She'd reply that the best lovers start out as friends, blah, blah, blah. He didn't give her a rose that episode and she leaves sobbing and she can't breathe. He has to come out to console her. I found it ludicrous.
Hello, the "Bachelor" hasn't stayed with the woman he picked in all the seasons. The only couple that is together is Trista and Ryan from the Bachelorette. (By the way, Trista just gave birth to their son a few months ago and suffered from HELLP Syndrome). What is it that makes these women believe they will be the one that stays together. I know, I know. The hope of finding your true love, and so on. But, finding it on TV? Yes, it can happen. But really, how good are the odds?
I also didn't really care for this Bachelor too much, but his decision redeemed him. He came off as this loveable, funny, kind guy, but I found him kinda dumb. That was at first glance. I find it refreshing that he didn't choose anyone since he isn't "in love" with someone. And didn't do the whole, "let's take the time to get to know one another better, but still take the ring" route.
There is talk already that he does propose on the aftershow. That there is some big shocker. We'll just have to watch and see.
I so cannot watch next season.
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