A year comes to a close

A year comes to a close

My goals for 2010 were as follows:

• Feel comfortable in my own skin
• Laugh even more
• Scrapbook more
• Be healthier
• Pay off debt / Sock $ away for house!
• Read, read, and then read some more
• Take more photos
• Experiment more with my camera

Let’s just say I did not get to a few of those.  Quite a few.  A few more than I thought I’d get to.  2010 saw us taking the plunge and buying a house after we paid off mucho debt in 2009 (yay!).  I did get some reading done, but not as much as I would have like.  I took the least amount of photos in 2010 than in years and did not explore my camera the way I wanted to.  Feeling comfortable in my own skin will always be a challenge me thinks as will being healthier.
I’ve learned a great deal this year as well.  I am not as strong as I pretend to be.  I am losing patience as I get older apparently and quite enjoy being pissy while I drive.  I appreciate my family in a new way this year and have come to accept that while I love the people close to me, I don’t always have to like them on occasion.  And that is totally okay.
I have big hopes and dreams for 2011.  And that is for another post.

Moving Along

After discussion and more discussion, we are seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist for children.  I had to complete this huge packet of information before they will schedule an appointment and apparently it’s a 3-4 month wait anyway.  Fingers crossed we get in before March.  The pedi will not prescribe meds since A is so young, but she’s doing what she can to get us in sooner than usual.  Of course, we make the decision to try meds and A has had a great couple of weeks.  Sure, there have been ups and downs, but overall she is doing good.
I feel like we are making the right choice for A and our family, but it is still so damn scary.  Like I’m about to jump off this precipice with no return.  All of the what if’s.  But they exist anyway, don’t they.  All I can hope is trying the mds helps her mellow out a bit and be more smooth with not such wide swings of emotion and worry.
I came across a book entitled “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid” and I love it.  It’s about life with special kids.  I haven’t finished the book yet, but from what I’ve started it seems like good reading.  It makes me laugh and not feel so alone in the thought that I wish some people would tone down the talk about how “perfect” their kids are.  We all know at least one person who is like that.    Some of you have shared your struggles with me, and I deeply appreciate it.  I haven’t taken the time to say thank you (and I’m sorry for that), but your words (J and D) touched my heart.
So for now we are simply moving along.  Moving along in doing more research with reading, moving along with doctor/counselor appointments, moving along with open minds.

moving on

I've decided to move on to another location.  I'll be sending facebook messages out with the new link.  If I miss you or you are not on facebook, shoot me an email at dlang76 at yahoo dot com and leave me a comment that you did so.

Technically Challenged

I was attempting to change the template design of the blog, but I seem to be having technical difficulties.  Awesome.  I go into template designer and nothing loads.  No matter how long I sit there.  Frickfrack!

Holidays

It's been awhile again.  Sorry about that.  It's the same old story, swamped as usual. 

I hope that each of you had a spectacular holiday season so far, whatever you celebrate.  Ours has been filled with ups and downs, but memorable nonetheless.  The kids ate entirely too much sugar.  We ate too much food in general on at least one occasion.  More for my dearest husband. ;)  Lovely gifts were exchanged and it was wonderful to visit with family that I haven't talked with for a time.

The new year is coming, and coming up quick.  It has me doing my annual thinking of what I'm getting out of life and how/what to change.  My goals for 2010 were somewhat successful, a few were not reached.  Whether I pass those along to next year or not remains to be seen.

I've also been thinking that perhaps the reason I'm not writing is due to the possibility of certain eyes reading this.  And with that, I've been weighing whether or not to relocate the blog.  I've fallen back into the trap of caring what other people think and while I know it's not right or correct, it does weigh on my mind.  So, I'm tossing that idea around.  Those of you who are "regulars," no worries.  I'll be sure to keep you posted.

This mixed bag for a post will come to an end now.  Again, may each of you have a wonderful holiday season!

Vent

Some days I just do not know what to do or where to turn.  We had one of *those* evenings with A today.  It was a brief 15 minutes or so, but quite honestly I am tired of dealing with them.  And I know I can't be.  But some days are just too much.  I'm thankful today was only a short time and she had a quick and great recovery.  But man, it is such a roller coaster.

I have been trying to do some research on the web about children & anxiety, reading books, trying to gather and try new techniques.  But it never feels like I'm doing enough.  And at times, I am overwhelmed at having to do it all myself.  The husband is not taking my discussion of the medication possibility well, and I didn't respond very well to that.  Lovely, made myself feel even more like crap then.

I do not really have anything great to say and I guess I am wallowing a bit in self pity, needing to vent.

Thankfulness

“Be thankful for hard times in your life. Try not to look at them as bad things, but as opportunities to grow and learn.”

This quote caught my eye and I think helps place those difficult moments into perspective.  I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends near and far, good health, knowledge, hope and magic.  

It is difficult at times to appreciate those moments that get you down.  When your child is screaming at you that you do not care about her.  When your child hits you because you said no.  With reflection, I must be grateful for those times.  I am grateful that I and my children are here to suffer through those parenting difficulties.  I am thankful that my husband and I each have our own mind with our own ideas, beliefs, and thoughts.  Even if that creates slight disagreements.  I am grateful for their love. 

I am very thankful for the good health of some loved ones who have waged war against cancer.  My dad just had another scope and got a good bill of health.  He will continue to have scopes and the treatments as bladder cancer's rate of reoccurence is pretty high.  I'm thankful our friend Laura battled breast cancer and won.  She did so with grace and bravery. 

I am unsure if I can even put into words how awesome it is to own our first home.  Sure, there are some things we need to unpack yet and projects aplenty, but that is what makes it fun, right?  Every few days or so, my husband looks at me with this magnificent grin and tells me he loves our house.  The joys and pains of homeownership are still being enjoyed here.

Magic is in our lives each and every day, from the twinkle in my children's eye to the freshly fallen snow reflecting the bright sun.  I am so very thankful for that as well. 

Difficult

I've tried to start this post so many times over the last week.  And each time I have given up.  The words too difficult to pour forward.  Too difficult to write without tears obscuring my vision.  And too difficult to imagine what life will be like in the future.

I've mentioned briefly before that Ari was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year.  But I haven't written much about it since.  And my hope is to start doing so in order to just even sort out my own thoughts.

There are days we have no idea what child we will get.  Will the sweet, happy child awaken?  Or will the dragon child?  Will she be happy-go-lucky in the morning only to fall apart after we pick her up from school?  And how will the evening go?  Endless questions as to what will happen.  Each day.  Some days or weeks are better than others.  We can go weeks without a full blown breakdown.  But we can tell when it's starting to build.  And we do whatever we can to avoid it, but it happens nonetheless.  We manage.  We struggle.  We cry.  And we laugh.  We get to ride the roller coaster with her.  And it sucks.  Plain and simple.  Even though I get to ride in the cart with her, I cannot imagine what daily life is truly like for her.  Trying to hold herself together during the day at school and then feeling safe enough at night to decompress, even if that means it ends up in a trantrumatic fight.  There are days we simply do what we can to help her.  And it often doesn't feel as if it's enough.

When she had testing earlier this year, it was brought out that she suffers from low self esteem.  Duh, we already knew that.  But what we didn't know prior to that is that she sometimes thought she shouldn't be alive because she's not good enough.  We were told she didn't have a depressive disorder and didn't understand what suicide really was.  Sigh of relief right?  That's what we thought.  I've told her father that if we cannot help her along her path of life well enough, I can see her developing an eating disorder or becoming a cutter.  Suicide is not something that any parent ever wants to imagine their child thinking about, especially at age seven. 

However, that is what we have had to think about over the last two weeks.  The other weekend, she became very upset at me and during her blow up in her room, she created a card for me.  The front was beautiful with pink letters saying "I love you mom" and hearts.  The inside left page speaks of being sorry for her actions earlier in the evening.  And on the left inside page...."I'm sorry I am so stupid."  With a drawing of herself.  Putting a sword into her belly with blood dripping down, pooling on the floor. 

Yes, that is what we have been dealing with.  I had to have a discussion with my seven year old to discover if she was seriously thinking of harming herself while internally freaking out, wondering if we need to hide our knives and take her to the hospital.  Through sobbing, I managed to learn that she was not serious about hurting herself, but did think she shouldn't be alive because she is too stupid.  I made her promise to not hurt herself and told her we'd discuss it with her counselor.   The counselor believes this is just how she is expressing herself.  That she does not really understand what truly her photo meant.  I cannot tell you how every fiber of my being hopes she is right.  Trying to have a discussion about suicide with an intelligent young lady while not trying to teach her about suicide is delicate.  No other word for it.

We hear often that no one cares about her, that we don't love her.  I can tell her until I am blue in the face that I love her and she's the most beautiful and special girl and she doesn't believe me.  Makes one feel like a huge fat failure as a parent that's for sure.  It makes us wonder what lays ahead for her, for us.  And makes us wish that things could be easier for her.

It's been a great week this week.  I'm sure the high's and low's will continue.  We'll have more fights.  There will be more laughs, more awesome moments.  Those make the unbearable days more bearable.

National Prematurity Month

Eight years ago, I was preparing to finally leave the first trimester behind.  The yukkies were (hopefully) almost over.  I was a prepared preggo.  I read books, joined websites, and read all the materials my doctor gave me.  And yet, when the pain struck that day in May of 2003 I had no idea what was happening.  First, I was told it was my gall bladder and then the news came.  You will be having your baby this weekend.  What?  Um no.  We have Lamaze this weekend and she's not supposed to be here for another 5+ weeks. 

What happened then became a haze as I entered in the world of HELLP Syndrome.  Something I had no clue even existed.  Something that I have since learned takes the lives of women and children on a regular basis.  I developed severe preeclampsia just shy of 35 weeks and had to deliver my baby in order to save my own life in addition to hers.  That 4lb guppy is now seven years old and is very healthy physically.

Fast-forward three years and our son is born at 37 weeks (what my OB calls "not quite term-ish").  I had been battling gestational hypertension for about five weeks prior to D-day.  And that day, my OB told me it was a good day for me to deliver as things appeared to be heading south within my body.   He was born slightly early and while small at 5lbs 6oz, he did great and came home with us.

So many friends & family members have walked the road of prematurity.  It's a road I would not wish upon anyone.  No one dreams of having a baby in the NICU.  The dreams of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" birth go quickly out the door.  And the guilt that comes along the prematurity road is horrifying.  Asking yourself daily what you did to cause this.  Is the issue your child is having now related to their prematurity?  This is not a fun or easy path to walk.

But having a premature baby allows a gratefulness for life to enter your life that I'm not sure otherwise can be introduced.  You cherish the small things and are so damn proud of the accomplishments your child makes.  You know and have empathy for the road that others travel with difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, and issues with your child.

Please visit the March of Dimes to learn more about prematurity and how to help us fight it.

A Week of Hell

I haven't been able to come up with an adequate post to describe this last week, but I do need to ask for good thoughts please.  We could certainly use them as we figure out some things.

Deep Inside In Heart

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother.  But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety.  The summer was pretty smooth sailing.  Now that school has started, things have heated up for her.  And some days it's just almost too much.  It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school.  Too many choices overwhelm her.  Not enough and she gets pissed.  Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her.  And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom.  Did I make her like this?  Am I encouraging it in some way?  Will life ever be easier for her?  To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest.  They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces.  They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times.  They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl.  We see that too, of course.  But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart.  And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.

Blah Blah Blah

You know it, sing it.  Yes, that song by one of the tarts out there right now.  (And yes, I will admit to owning that album-it's quite catchy to be honest).


I really try to be a positive, glass half full kind of person.  But lately, it's been so difficult to do.  And I can't pin it on any one thing.  I know work has a huge deal in it as things are quite frankly, very sucky at work.  Yes, sucky is the perfect word for it.  I have been trying to remain optimistic with the changes that have been forced, um I mean made, on myself and my lucky coworkers.  However, each day I feel more and more squashed like the disgusting bug that we are viewed the be.  I know all the horseshit of "no one can make you feel anyway you don't want to," and I try so hard to remain upbeat.  But it's such a challenge some days.  Most days right now.  And then throw in a job where you have to deal with yucky topics as if that isn't enough to sometimes make my job suck.

Halfing 1 has been off and on with her moods.  I hate having to watch what we say for fear that we set her off on some goddamn freakout.  It completely sucks.  But it's our life.  She's had some awesome moments this week, so that helps us get through the less-than-stellar ones.  Halfling 2 has been the spawn of satan lately.  (And I think I know a couple of people who would probably peg me as satan, so that statement for him qualifies)  The kid is four.  And he's pooped in his fricking pants 4 times this month.  Um, hello?  Use the toilet.  You know, the thing you've been using for almost two years?  And talk about attitude.  And stubborn.  But it all melts away when he flashes his "special" smile.  Thank the stars he's cute, or he'd probably be in more trouble.

There is the always present family drama.   Not my immediate family, but the next layer.  So and so did this, so and so didn't do that.  And several posting it on facebook, hanging it out there for the entire world to see.  Really?  I am doing my best to avoid becoming involved, but sometimes one gets drawn in or has to stand up for something that truly isn't right. 

There are a few other major disappointments that I've had over the last month and they have been difficult for me to swallow.  Let's just say fall has not been the best part of the year for me.  And because of that, this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this......Bring on Old Man Winter!

Totally and completely sucking

at so many things.  Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on. 

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned.  Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is.  One's struggles make them stronger so many people say.  I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.  

I want(ed) to be a great mom.  And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc.  But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do.  They are my world.  Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband.  And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex.  He is always there for me.  Even if I don't want or need him to be.  Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated.  I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often.  But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else.  He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend.  I have been failing miserably at this for a while.  Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out.  I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls.  I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me.  I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change.  Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work.  I feel good knowing I made a difference.  And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project.  I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work.  I want to respond better to situations.  I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur.  I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do.  I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients.  I want to talk less at work.  To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.  

I want to be a better person.  And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be.  I know it. 

Our World

Perfect example of how A processes certain things with her anxiety.  She was reading the tags on a decorative pillow on her bed the other evening.  "Keep away from flame.  Keep away from face to avoid suffocation."  Things like that.  She, of course, is worried what will happen if a fire starts in the middle of the night and should the pillow stay in her bed.  I cut the other tags off to avoid this, but apparently missed this one.  So I tell her I will cut the tag off so it doesn't scratch her, trying to get her mind off the tag warnings.  Her question....."What happens if we forget the rules?"  And I had to explain and reassure her that mommy has bought lots of pillows before and has read all the rules many times.

sigh.  Some moments it just shines out of the blue.  She's been doing awesome and whammo, the anxiety flares.

Promise to Myself

When I began this blog, I did not do it out of because I think I am important or to gain readers or to make money.  I did it because writing helps me understand myself. The act of putting my rambling thoughts into language, into language that makes me not only understandable to myself, but to others, is gratifying. I don't just prefer writing on the blog; my friends and family know that I would much rather e-mail than phone.  I think better when I write.  I enjoy using language that helps me express myself.

But I haven't taken time to allow myself this expression.  For a very long time.  I've held back or have ignored the need to write.  And I've closed myself off in that arena.  I want desperately to get back into the groove and use writing & language to share my thoughts and help me figure some issues out.  So a promise to myself is being made.  I promise myself that I will take time to write, to express, and to enjoy.  It is part of who I am and I need to honor that piece rather than stuff it.

Learned Items

Almost two months ago, we put ourselves majorly in debt with our house. After 40 minutes, 300 signatures, and 100 initials, we were handed two sets of keys and two electric garage door openers.

Here are things I've learned since that time:

*Make sure you have a pizza delivery phone number available. You will use it, especially on those days when you are attempting to create order in your new home.

*Buy a big pack of Toilet Paper, and place next to the toilet. Toilet paper goes quickly at our place. Either that or I bought the small rolls last time.

*Check the batteries in your new smoke detectors. And buy a carbon monoxide detector. It helps for when you are paranoid about the gas fireplace in your family room.

*Take a couple different routes to work, school, or Menards. Then determine which has the shortest time and the least amount of interaction with asshole drivers.

*Make sure when you have your telephone and internet service moved to the new place, that BOTH are moved. Some ding-dong at Frontier decided our DSL could stay at the old place. Duh. It only took us a week to get that figured out.

*Mow your grass on a regular basis. If only to keep your grass-nazi neighbor happy, even if you don't give to shits or have the time to mow your lawn 3 times a week. Yes, he mows that often.

*Be prepared for random drop ins. It could be your parents, friends, or neighbors. It sucks when your new home resembles a tornado stricken area when people stop by.

*Have a toilet plunger for each toilet. Just in case. And learn just how high the water can go in the toilet when it does plug up so you know if you can insert the plunger without putting water over the edge of the bowl or if you need to turn off the water supply.

*Painting will always take longer than you plan. And Frog Tape ROCKS!

There are my top learned items over the last two months.  I'm sure there will be a ton more.

Gay protest signs

A friend shared this with me after we had chuckled over a gay protest sign we saw. Mucho love to my friends who this means a lot to!

Sleep

I really love sleep.  A good sleep that consists of 8+ hours.  The only problem is that I cannot recall the most recent 8+ hour stretch I had.  Yes, we were camping last week with no kids.  However I did not sleep through a single night, whether that was from having to get up to pee or the frequent nighttime storms we had.  The key issue at home is the boy child.  Who usually gets up at least 1-2, sometimes 3, times a night.  To sleep.  With. Me.

And sometimes I am too tired to even care and he sleeps with me.  Oh my, I am doing the unforgivable aren't I?  I'm letting my child sleep in my bed with me.  It is what I have to do sometimes to simply get some sleep.  But it's getting old.

What is older is the fact that the boy child takes FOREVER to actually fall asleep when he goes to bed.  Sometimes it's over two hours we are dealing with him.  We are trying to get him back into a routine, but it's been a struggle since he's been such a shit.  He can walk over to you sitting next to the doorway, but then says his ankle hurts or his legs are broken and cannot get in bed.  This just after he crawled out and walked over.  sigh.  Not to mention the hubby and I have some differing POV's on things and handle things differently at times.  That sure helps a lot.  Not.

I'm struggling with what to do.  And I need time to get some other things done at night as well as actually catching some Zzzzz's.  Any sleep/bedtime tips to share?

August AWEsomenesses

• Camping - okay, well maybe not camping itself, but being child free for several days with little responsibility.
• The shower I took when I got home.  Nothing like a shower after a camping trip.
• iPhone 4.  Yep, it arrived yesterday and I'm LOVING it!!
• First house payment due.  Yes, I am celebrating this. ;)

That's the tops for the month so far.  I'm feeling a bit in the dumps today so I figured I'd do a quick AWEsome post.

Stripper Sheep

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week.  And we couldn't help but take a photo.  Because. This. Is. Hilarious!  Dontcha think?  First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over.   Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties.  And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter.  How could it not?  Sheep with leotards?  It was the highlight of our night!

My newest drooltastic thing

Welcome to the Disney Dream, Disney Cruise Line's newest ship.  And I have the opportunity to sail on this beauty in about 5 months.  Talk about saving my pennies!

2010 Promise Walk - Wausau

I'm about two months behind, but finally sharing some highlights and photos from the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia that was in early June.  We about doubled the number of participants and met the goal of $3700 with fantastic support.  We had awesome raffle prizes and entertainment again.  I had more preeclampsia survivors than I anticipated, which while I'm not excited they had to experience it, I'm happy they joined us.

Here are some photo highlights...

 

The above photos were taken by my buddy Seth.  I have more taken by another friend and will have to add some of those later as they are on the other computer.

ETA:  a couple more photos....

Someone fun to read

If you were not reading Christie over at Baby Tea Leaves before, be sure to check out her new blog Average Moms Wear Capes!  She's quite the read and she has a cool giveaway for those who like to run/jog/walk...check it out!

Yes, I am still alive

Hello blog-land!  Life has been a whirlwind, but we are in the new house and frantically (okay, maybe not frantically) trying to unpack.  And I have realized this last week that I miss this, I miss writing.  For a very, very long time I have.  Great, now I am speaking like Yoda.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Anywho, I have lots of ideas that have been bubbling in my brain this last week and I have pledged to myself to take a few minutes each day to write.  That may not translate into a daily post, but I'm hoping once I get back into the spirit of things, I will be around much more often and able to visit others.

Much bloggy love to everyone, I miss you!

Panic Spectrum

Most people that know me IRL are aware that in most instances of my life I am a planner.  Yes, one of those Type A planners who has to have almost everything spelled out ahead of time.   If I don't, the panic sets in.  At the moment, the panic train has made a stop at our home and I am being whipped around on that sucker. 

We close on the house this coming Friday.  And because I still have 5-6 days where "something" could happen, I am in slight panic.  Not to mention that we have less than two weeks to move and packing, while commenced, still needs some work.  We want to paint the kid's rooms this weekend and now I only have a sitter for one day and am on the search for the other.  (sigh.  It never ends.)  We still don't know if we are going to rent a truck to move or not (longer story).  I figured buying a house was stressful, but I didn't truly comprehend just how much. 

My day job has been spectacular.  Not.  (wow, haven't used that phrase in forever)  I'm trying to finish up a report on an offender for the courts and have it completed tomorrow.  Now, I will own the fact that I did some major procrastination with this report and it's totally coming back to bite me in the ass now.  Awesome.   The panic for work is coming in with two court hearings in the next week or so.  I will have to most likely testify at both, something that I have yet to do.  Even more awesomeness.  The one is on Friday in the morning and we close on the house in the afternoon, nothing like ruining my day.  :)   There are days when I love what I do, but some days are just hard.  We deal with difficult and emotional situations.  I try not to bring it home, but there are days when I rides home in my back pocket with me and sneaks up when I have a free minute or attempt to fall asleep. 

Did I mention that we have packing to do?  And guess where my husband is right now.  In bed, completely sick and hung over.   I don't care to say much beyond that as I'm trying to not be  a negative nelly in this post, but failing miserably it seems.

On the positive.....got to see some terrific fireworks last evening with my kiddos.  I made a difficult decision eariler this week and fretted about it, but ultimately said no and did what was best for me.  I am trying to reign in the chaos that is our life this summer and this decision was part of that.  And best of all, this week we'll have the keys to our house!!!

Time Flies

It's been over an entire month since I blogged.  Wow.  Here is a quick synopsis of June...

• Promise Walk for Preeclampsia---very successful.  Photos & post coming soon.
• Busy at the day job.  
• Getting Disney clients ready to head on vacation in approximately 45 days.  Most are during the free dining offer.
• Camping.  Let's just call that trip a "series of unfortunate events" and leave it at that.
• Packing, cleaning, and general stress due to the fact that we are.......

BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!

The week of the walk we looked at a house we had liked online and within days had put an offer in on it.  Right now we are set to close on July 16th, barring any issues.  And yes, it's me, so there are issues.   I'll post on that coming up too.

Hope everyone had a fantastic June.

Brewing

Something big is brewing....I'm hoping to have a good announcement soon!

Birthdays

I need to give a big shout out to my kidlets as they BOTH celebrated birthdays this month!!! 

Promise Walk for Preeclampsia

So, you may have noticed that lovely little box in the upper right corner of my blog?  No, well, here's the plug for it.  I will be hosting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia again this year and, as always, am asking for your support.  I'd love it if you all could attend, but I know that's not possible.  (But how cool would that be?)  It's looking like a great deal of fun and we've got some AWEsome raffle items for those that could make it.

Here is the short version about why this is important to me:  I developed severe preeclampsia (HELLP Syndrome) with my first pregnancy and delivered just over 5 weeks early.  Our little guppy Aweighed 4lbs and spent just over two weeks in the hospital.  Fast forward 3 years and P was born at 37 weeks after I managed gestational hypertension for 5 weeks, he weighed 5lbs 6oz and came home with us.  Here is a quick highlight of our family's moments.

You read here, you know that preeclampsia changed my life.  I've shared stories of families who were not as fortunate as us and who lost loved ones.  Many of my preeclampsia sisters are fellow bloggers and there is a bond there that is different from any other.  We each know what it's like to face down that ugly preeclampsia monster.

So in honor of my babies and all the other preeclampsia babies out there, including those angel babies, please consider donating today by visiting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia.  You can donate to our team or make a general donation.  Even $5 helps make a difference.

Love to you all,
Denise

Sometimes words fail me

My dearest A,

You are such a bright shining star in our lives.  We have been through so much with you in your 7 years, and I can only imagine what's in store in the upcoming years.

You are special, unique, and amazing.  And there are times that words fail me when I want to describe the very essence of you.  Because you truly are that special.

We have "official" news on you.  Something that we already pretty much knew, but it helped to have someone with that PhD behind their name confirm it.  And much to my relief, no diagnosis of bipolar or related disorder.  The doctor told us yesterday these words, "You have a highly intelligent little girl.  Who happens to be a perfectionist.  And has anxiety."

Like I said, we already knew that.  But this gives us direction.  Direction on what to do to help you, how to help us while we help you.  My major goal as a parent is to assist you and your brother be the best "you" you can be.  Quirks and all.  Dr. M made the comment that you are too smart for your own good, and that is so true.  You are very curious and that sometimes leads you to gain knowledge of something that you fail to fully comprehend and then you become anxious.  And it's okay.  We're here to help you.  You have anxiety.  You are often fearful and worried and many times it's about things that we do not understand.  I promise to do better when helping you, to listen fully, to console you when you need it, and to encourage you to make mistakes and celebrate your quirks.

I love you, worries and all.

Love mom

Letters to Juliet

I went to see this film this evening with a friend.  It's a complete chick flick (totally predictable of course), but a decent movie nonetheless.  It made me think about what I would write to Juliet, and ultimately of romance and love.  Yes, chick flicks may be corny and sappy.  But I think they also give that *romance* that one craves.  Yes, I said craves.  I am not an overly sappy person, but viewing this film made me realize how much I want, need, and like to be romanced.  I want the door held open for me, notes of appreciation or love left for discovery, to have that hand rest upon my back or neck.  Small surprises that demonstrate you are thinking of the one you love. 

Being in love is an adventure.  I think it wanes and grows as it moves along.   You have to nourish it, cherish it, and celebrate it.  When life is chaotic and crazy, or let's be honest...if you have children, romance may fail to flourish continuously.  At times, you may have to find your way back to one another or measure if that love is actually worth fighting for. 

I wish you all love.  A love that caresses you and embraces you.  A love that manages to traverse the bumpy road of life and when the ride slows down, that love is still there and strong.


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.  ~Lao Tzu

More items I'd love to have

Here are a few more drooltastic items that I'd love to have....

Zero balances on our credit cards.   Oh boy, this one is getting CLOSE though!

Someday, I'll have my mini-SUV....I'm loving the Toyota Rav 4

And someday, when I get all lean and no sign of baby birthing on my body.....I'd love a side tat like this one.

Quick update

Ari had her endoscopy w/ biopsy on Friday. It went well, and she did amazingly awesome (meaning, no major anxiety issues in the hours prior and especially at the hospital). There was some redness & irritation in her esophagus as well as a part of her stomach along with a bit in the duodenum. But Dr. said nothing so strongly indicative that day that would say to immediately start her on a gluten free diet. He took some samples and she is being tested for H-pylori, lactose intolerance and something else or two. Now it's just waiting for the results.

choices

A song struck me today as I was driving home, Breakeven by Script.....

When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

These were the words that spoke to me. And so I have made some difficult decisions tonight, but have chosen to give up several things that were important to me. All in the name of keeping my family together.

closing in

We are closing in on the possible celiac issue. We saw the pediatric GI doc today, same one she saw as an infant/toddler for her reflux, and with what her labs looks like she will be undergoing an endoscopy on Friday for him to obtain a biopsy. He's going to do a few more labs apparently then as well. We haven't discussed it with her yet, I don't want her anxiety to build over the next two days.

Any good thoughts you can send her way for Friday would be appreciated.

Drooltastic Things

I'm going to start something fun and post things that I find myself drooling over. I would love to have them, but the items are either too costly or not really prudent to purchase.

First up....

The Dooney & Bourke bags for Disney.


I'm totally not into couture (did I even spell it right?) things, but I heart me one of these bags.


Item number two:

This is a house for sale near us and I find myself salivating over it. Nowhere near our price range, but drool-worthy.

A Costly Message

Apparently I need to slow down. (yeah right, like that will happen) I'm breathing, which is awesome, but I have this sharp pain that strikes when I breathe deeply. Last night, my breathing was so shallow I thought I was panting. It started as a stitch in my side, progressed to "Fuck, what the hell is this?" to mild "don't take a huge breath."

But it freaked me out enough to go to the walk in this morning. Cuz, what if I was really having a heart attack or something. I know it was on my right side, but seriously, what if?

After exposing my pretty ladies (aka, my boobies) to a nice male nurse (who made lovely conversation with me) while getting hooked up for an EKG, having a lab tech draw FOUR tubes of my beloved red stuff (while asking me what I do for a living--note, not trying to stereotype but she appeared to be the sort that might just date one of my offenders), and then waiting in the fucking lobby of the radiology department for 12 minutes (while wearing a hospital gown on my top)...it turns out my ticker is okay and there are no blood clots.

The doc thinks the area underneath the left breastie is causing me some issues with the scar tissue from my reduction. 10 years ago. And it's still bothering me? WTF. Or it could be related to stress.

What did I do?

I'm signed up for a 5K to benefit a local women's shelter for the first Saturday in May. I will NOT be jogging the entire thing. I don't even think I could jog half of it. But I will jog some of it. There is a group of about seven ladies from work who have formed a team. We're a motley group of marathoners and walkers. (obviously I'm in the walker section)

I intended to start walking to get my legs used to a longer distance (you runners, don't laugh at me), but just haven't gotten to it. Exercise is on my list, but always falls short at the end of the day. I really need to change that. So, perhaps I can drag my ass out of bed tomorrow morning early and go for a walk before work. Hmmm...I better get to bed then.

Changing

I've come to realize many things change over the course of our lifetimes, including ourselves. I'm surprised at how much things can change. My core values & beliefs have only gotten stronger, but there are things about myself that have changed. A few examples...

I used to have patience, much more patience. I would let 2-3 cars go ahead of me in a parking lot or wherever because I wasn't in that big of a hurry to get to my destination. I would be hollering at J for bitching about crazy, asshole drivers. Now, that is me. My son has picked up a few choice phrases from listening to mommy while I drive. That's okay, as long as he yells at the same driver. J/K, I know it's not okay that my son walks around saying "fucking christ," but it does make me laugh. I don't allow him to see me laugh, but it does bring a smile to my inner face while I'm telling him to not say those words. Drivers who are too slow piss me off. Drivers who are over the top aggressive piss me off. Drivers who don't use their blinkers piss me off. Get the point?

For years I have been a minimalist when it comes to my wardrobe. I'm a t-shirt & jeans kind of gal. I hardly ever wear earrings and have been known to not wear much jewelry beyond my pearl on a gold chain. I'm changing that. And I like it. Jewelry has become a fun way of bedazzling myself. It's fun.

I'm more outspoken. I think some of this has to do with a work friend who has no issues sharing her mind, but whatev. I used to never say anything about bad food at a restaurant, bad service, rude people, etc. Now, watch your ass! I am not rude about it, but I have gotten better at speaking my mind. The whole not caring so much about what others think still needs some major work, but I'm getting better.

I'm not sure if it's due to becoming older and wiser, or being more comfortable with myself. Either way, I like it.

Somethings Brewing

We got back some preliminary tests on Aand now have to see the GI doc as something came back abnormal on her celiac panel. She has a few minor food allergies, but it doesn't sound like they are anything serious we have to worry about her eating. She will be having neuro-psych testing done next week too.

Somethings brewing, I can feel it. I just don't know what. And honestly, it feels scary and overwhelming not knowing what the near future holds for her, and us.

Easter Bunny

Even though the "Easter Bunny" comes to our home and gives the kidlets baskets of fun and yummy goodies, let me just say this....I hate that fucker.




On the surface he looks cute, perhaps? To me, those hollow eyes and maniacal grin are the stuff from my nightmares when I was younger.

How about two of the giant guys? (Seriously freaking myself out right now.)




I used to have a reoccurring nightmare that a giant Easter Bunny kidnapped me from my mom and grandma. Yes, this is a true story...I can't make this up. The bunny would race along downtown with me under his arm, I can remember seeing steps leading to tall building as we raced by. And no one did anything despite my screams. Soon, we were in an area with houses again and he broke into a house and put my on the stove to cook me. Just sat my ass right on the burner and lit it up. I was screaming the entire time. Then as he is rubbing his hands together in anticipation, the people who lived in the home came into the kitchen and the man had a shotgun. As the gun would fire, I would wake up.

Yep, that was my childhood nightmare. It was the same every time I had it, every time. And it scared the crap out of me. The last time I recall having this nightmare was in high school, thankfully. And now today, the Easter Bunny at the mall...well, I can't look him in the eye without a shiver. And even though he brings my kids goodies, I vomit in my mouth a bit at the thought of the Easter Bunny in my home.


And in my search to find Easter Bunny photo goodness, I came across this pic. It's not for the faint of heart, and I apologize if you dream of the rabbit tonight. This is the Easter bunny that should give everyone nightmares...

March gratitude

I missed most of my Tuesday gratitudes in March, so I'm going to just put a bunch together....

**I am so thankful I have a job. Yes, that job is demanding at times, involves highly emotional situations, and at times feels like I babysit for an awesome fee....but I have a fantastic job that I enjoy doing, work with people I like, and get to experience new things almost daily.

**My kids imaginations. What more can be said. They have AWESOME imaginations, and I love it.

**My husband. Nuff said.

**Enjoying the last Tues of March with my hubby, we both had off and enjoyed each other's company (most of the time). He got some new clothes for work, we picked up a movie.

**Deadliest Catch. I lurve that show very much. And I have a slight crush on Edgar.

**My health. While I may not be in 100% top shape, I am overall in decent health. I'm working on some improvements, but everything functions so I can't complain.

Doctors, Surgeons, and Labs...Oh My!

We've got several things going on with both kids right now.

First up is Ari. She had some lab work yesterday to test for celiac disorder and a RAST food allergy panel. (Let me tell you, having labs drawn on a child who is anxious is sooo much fun) Her pedi wanted to make sure there isn't some allergy causing Ari's behavior issues. We've also been referred to a local center where Ari will see a behavioral pediatrician. Not sure what that entails, but we can't get in to see her until June. She will also see a doctor for neuro-psych testing to see if she has some disorder. I feel pretty strongly she has some sensory processing disorder, but we will see. I had to complete a large packet of information this week and will get scheduled for that doctor soon.

Phoenix has been a handful lately himself. Not sure if it's the weather or what, but he's been ramped up with activity. He's been sent to the office at daycare twice in the last month or so. Aye. His night terrors also seem to be occurring more often and he had one last week that had to be the worst yet. Thankfully they don't last too long before he can settle down. Biggest news on him is his belly. He's been complaining for a while that his belly hurts. We chalked it up to he ate too much, etc. However, one night he said his belly button hurt. We took a look and boy that thing was poking out like I've never seen it do before, and his pokes out a bit. We took him into the pedi and she could feel the whole where the hernia is yet. He's had it since birth, but with it hurting him we were referred to the surgeon. We got to see the surgeon on Thursday and Phoenix will be having surgery to fix it this coming Friday.

I feel strongly that a drink a day will help me get through life right now. ;-) At some point I think I may start rocking back and forth while my tongue hangs out and I drool excessively. No one ever tells you how hard parenting is, or at least you don't believe them when they tell you prior to having children. You go into your baby-phase dreaming and expecting the perfect pregnancy and birth, great babies who sleep through the night early, are never sick, etc. Those expectations flew out the window for me a long time ago (almost 7 years to be exact), but the tribulations of raising a child still sneak up on me.

Hiatus

I'm on a hiatus...just too damn busy to even think about posting here. I haven't even had time to read much, which is my escape. But hopefully things are looking up. Between J and I both working overtime, a nice amount of ETY Disney bookings to take care of, the walk website, and walk stuff...I'm toasted. I took some time out yesterday and hit up a bellydance workshop and show, it was fun. And I'll be taking a vacation day on Tues, so J and I can chill out together with no kids during the day.

I miss y'all...and I miss writing.

Thoughts for a friend

A friend of the family is battling breast cancer. She's only 36 years old. Found the lump Feb 1st and had surgery a couple weeks ago. She has to do chemo, and possibly radiation. Any warm and fuzzy thoughts you could spare, please send them to Laura and her family.

I'm putting together a gift basket for her as she undertakes the chemo...any ideas. I've got a list already, but if someone has a great idea from experience, please let me know.

Tues March 9 Gratitude

I've got only one this week, well maybe two.

Biggest thing I'm grateful for this week is that the Pre-e walk website went live today! Lots of hard work went into getting this up and running, and while it was time consuming it was neat to be a part of the team for it.

And I'm thankful that I am heading out for a work conference Thurs & Fri in WI Dells. Can you say....relaxation?!

Gratitude Tuesday ~ March 2

Today I am grateful for....

*Code Red Mountain Dew (what a treat!)

*My paycheck, cuz who doesn't like one of those?

*when my kids have awesome bedtimes

so-so book

I just finished Percy Jackson & The Lightening Thief. It's been on my list to read for a while as I would see while browsing at BN. I found a copy for $5 a while back and decided to pick it up and read it after seeing the movie was out. Wow. I was not overly impressed. It was okay, don't get me wrong. However it just did not have the same pull that Harry Potter did for me. And you can see similarities. I love stories about the Gods and Goddesses, but this book just doesn't seem to flesh out it's characters well enough for me. I will probably read the next one and give it another go, but I'm not holding my breath.

On a good note, I signed up for some free book giveaways on Goodreads and found an email today that indicated I will be receiving a free book! Hoopta!

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

I would like to start keeping a gratitude journal of sorts and am thinking of writing a few things that I'm grateful or happy for at least once a week. Perhaps Gratitude Tuesday?

Since I missed yesterday....here's this week.

*I am grateful for a husband that loves me unconditionally and completely.

*I am happy that the sun is shining today.

*I am happy to be here at 34 years of age, and grateful for a wonderful birthday last week.

*I do have to say I'm grateful for swear words. Oh, how do I heart me some F-bombs. ;-)

*I am grateful for wonderful friends. Individuals who are always there no matter what, never judging, be there at the drop of a hat when you need them. You ladies know who you are. Love you!

Quick update on the eldest

We saw the pedi this morning and discussed what's been going on with Ariana. So many of the things that have been escalating are issues/specialties that Ari has had for so long. We know she has some things that make her "her." Some of them are more difficult to live with than others. And we are to the point where we don't know what to do anymore. Is there something physiologically wrong, emotionally wrong, etc? I hate, hate, hate the fact that something could be and my child could have a label for years to come. But my #1 goal as a parent is to help her be the best that she can be, quirks and all.

We'll be starting off with some testing for food allergies and celiac issues. Then onto some discussion with a place that has a group of professionals (psychiatrist, etc) to help us figure out what else could be going on and how to work with it. I feel good about the direction we are going with this and also am hopeful. Last week when I wrote up my last blog post during one of the "episodes", hopeful was not something I thought I'd feel in the coming days. And that feels so good.

I love that child. I would do anything for her. She is my best girl and often has us looking at her in awe.

battles

Life with my eldest is sometimes a battle. A battle over the most simple of things. Battles that leave everyone in tears. And I'm so tired of it. I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

This morning it was the simple task of asking her to get dressed. Struggling to get her to listen and then to follow through. Followed by a meltdown because her tights aren't "right" on her foot. Which led to her kicking me in the face (albiet by accident) as I attempted to help her. At which point, I lost my cool and yelled. Now we are both in tears and pissed off at each other. She yelled that she hates me, muttered that she wishes I would go away. And I directed her to her room. She snuck out and took some V-day candy out of the bowl. I told her no and she replied by sticking her tongue out at me. I responded by throwing the candy in the garbage. I refuse to tolerate the sassiness. She screamed and told me she was going to dump the garbage on my head, and that I better watch out cuz she's going to tell her dad.

We could go days without something like this happening and those days are great. And then an "episode", as J & I have termed them privately, occurs. Some days she's set off because we are holding firm on something we told her no to. Others it's a reaction to asking how school was. We know that there is a correlation between times when she is low on food and hasn't eaten for a while and her behavior. Other times we have no clue what is causing her to be set off. During these "episodes" she will scream at us ("I hate you" and "you are a meanie" are her faves), throw things, hit at us or herself, rip apart artwork, and more. And sometimes within 10 minutes she's fine again, sometimes it's an hour.

We know that she is sensitive and has self-esteem issues, thus we are extremely careful about what we say to her. But fuck, it is hard. I feel horrible that there are times that I feel like I don't know who this child is, I hate her behavior, and just simply don't know what to do.

So happy for them....

Niki and Josh are two very happy people right now. They are enjoying their new twin boys, Liam and Silas. Niki is a fellow preeclampsia mom, who lost her son Myles. Here's their story told by their local news station. Check out her blog too for some terrific photos and their experience.

Sickness

Phoenix was sick earlier this week with the lovely puckies, thank goodness that boy knows to make it to the toilet most of the time. He was better in under 24 hours. Then Thurs night Jason started through all day yesterday. And I started a nasal drip last night that wouldn't stop, darn faucet it was, and a sore throat. I am holding onto hope that Ari and I don't get the pukies, I guess I should be happy with my cold.

Spring cannot come soon enough!

Upset

It started when I asked her to pick up the pretzel fish she spilled, on purpose. She stuck her tongue out at me and I told her if she did it again, she will have a time out for being sassy. That led to another sass and a complete down slide of behavior....

This is my daughter. And some days are better than others. It's been okay lately, but yesterday we had a blow up and my mom was over. After Ari was sent to her room and told not to come out until she was ready to do her time out, my mother decided to share her thoughts with me about how the Supernanny helped a family with a child that had an issue such as this. Granted, this was the first time my mom has ever witnessed Ariana have a full blown "episode" (as we call them). However at that exact moment, in the heat of your child screaming she hates you and is slamming her door and kicking it, the last thing a parent wants to hear is how to be a better parent. The timing of that sucks and I didn't let it slide. I just couldn't. So, as politely and as restrained as I could, I said "mom, we've watched Supernanny and own two of her books, this is not our first time dealing with her like this." And apparently, I hurt my mother's feelings. Or something did, although I'm sure I didn't help.

So I watched her get ready to leave our home and could see how she was trying to hold herself together. Ari was still in her room and refusing to come out to even say goodbye to grandma. As I'm trying to keep my cool from losing it completely over my child's behavior and now having pissed off my mom unintentionally, I can feel my body tighten. My stress level has officially gone through the rough and I start beating myself up that I hurt my mother's feelings.

Ari is fine within 10 minutes of grandma leaving after her dad talks her down from her "episode." But the rest of the night, this sticks with me. I call my mother this morning to chat and she apologizes for being upset last night. She said Ari had been working diligently on a craft that she wanted to give me and couldn't wait for me to see it...and then she went off after I asked her to pick up her snacks. I popped off some reply about "that's normal at our house and it's not the first time it's happened." She asked about something else and then said she had to get off the phone. Now, that NEVER happens...usually one is trying to get off the phone with her as she likes to chat.

At this point, it's obvious I've pissed her off. And it pisses me off. Why do I have to pay for this? And why do I end up being the one to fix it. Because that's what I do. It's just so goddamn tiring though. I vent to J that in the middle of a freak out from my child that I don't want to hear about parenting techniques and whatnot. Save that for later on after things are calmed down. She knows this is an ongoing issue off and on for us and we are seeing the pedi this week to discuss some possibly causes. I check my voice mail on my cell phone this evening after I get a text and see my mom called me this morning. She wanted to apologize for interfering and is very tearful.

I hate that I feel like an ass for doing what is right for my family. For standing up and saying "no, please don't discuss this with me right now." She rarely interferes with anything like this and I don't recall a time that I've had to step up and say back off, although a few times it's come close. My mom is not one of those overbearing grandmas who tell me how to parent my kids. But I just couldn't take listening to her words yesterday. And I said something.

I'm upset that this is an issue that I'm obviously going to have to resolve. I don't feel like I should have to resolve anything and that it's crazy this happened.

I'll be posting about Ari later this week....that's a whole post in itself

Happy Babies Day!

Niki is a fellow preeclampsia mom who I met after she lost her son, Myles. Myles passed away on my birthday, so I am always thinking of him as that date approaches and I can't imagine not thinking of him ever. After their heartache, they have joy. Twin boys, born via surrogacy, yesterday. Happy Birthday Boys!!! You have some terrific parents and an angel brother watching over you.

A quick plea

I wanted to share something quick with my fellow preeclampsia moms, and those who just care about it cuz you know me or someone who had pre-e....

From the Preeclampsia Foundation executive director....

Please take a moment to help encourage the Discovery Channel and their TLC affiliate to recognize the Preeclampsia Foundation as the primary source of patient support and information for families like the Duggars. Up to 300,000 pregnant women suffer from hypertensive disorders of pregnancy each year, just in the United States.

This Sunday at 8/7 CT, TLC is airing a special edition of "19 Kids and Counting" that will focus on the Duggar family's 19th pregnancy which ended in the early delivery of 25-weeker Josie. Cause: preeclampsia. The Preeclampsia Foundation has tried to encourage TLC to provide the Preeclampsia Foundation's website as a source of credible information targeted to patients. And now they need your help.

Please send a quick email via this link http://extweb.discovery.com/viewerrelations and ask them to please include a valuable public information website -- www.preeclampsia.org -- in conjunction with the Duggar family special that is airing this weekend. The Preeclampsia Foundation is a non-profit organization and it's mission is to help all women get accurate information about this common disorder of pregnancy.

The Courage To Be Myself

*I got this by email a while back from a friend, I don't know where the credit goes for this, but whomever wrote it...thank you.
I have the courage to…

-Embrace my strengths-
-Get excited about life-
-Enjoy Giving and receiving love-
-Face and transform my fears-
-Ask for help and support when I need it-
-Spring free of the Superwoman Trap-
-Make my own decisions and choices-
-Befriend myself-
-Complete unfinished business-
-Realize that I have emotional and practical rights-
-Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants-
-Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal-
-Give myself credit for my accomplishments-
-Love the little girl within me-
-Overcome my addiction to approval-
-Grant myself permission to play-
-Quit being a Responsibility Sponge-
-Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately-
-Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to-
-Insist on being paid fairly for what I do-
-Set limits and boundaries and stick by them-
-Say “yes” only when I really mean it-
-Have realistic expectations-
-Take risks and accept change-
-Grow through challenges-
-Be totally honest with myself-
-Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions-
-Respect my vulnerabilities-
-Heal old and current wounds-
-Savor the mystery of Spirit-
-Wave good-bye to guilt-
-Plant “flower,” not “weed” thoughts in my mind-
-Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same-
-Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow-
-Own my own excellence-
-Plan for the future, but live in the present-
-Value my intuition and wisdom-
-Know that I am lovable-
-Celebrate the differences between men and women-
-Develop healthy, supportive relationships-
-Make forgiveness a priority-
-Accept myself just as I am now-

Some inspiration this morning

"When you have gone so far that you can't manage one more step, then you've gone half the distance you are capable of."
~ Greenlander Proverb

Testimony

I just finished reading Testimony by Anita Shreve. Excellent book, however a very heavy subject. Rape. Which, of course, I just want to read about right now. Not to mention it's the 2nd book about sexual assault I've read in the last month or so.

Testimony is told from various points of view, which was difficult for me to follow at times. I felt as if I should have a notepad to keep the characters, at least the minor ones, straight. It was very good however. And ended as a surprise as these books usually tend to do.

I'd recommend it if you are looking for something with some teeth.

Tough Day

How do you wind down after a tough day at work?

I'm finding I'm having a very difficult time doing so. And today was one of the worst. I like my day job, but I often find myself thinking about it at home more than I want to. Things I forgot to do, things that I think of to do, things that I could or should have handled differently. Or whatever.

I have to deal with some pretty uncomfortable situations at times as a result of my work. It's not really different from when I worked as an advocate for sexual assault victims, I'm just on the other side now dealing with the perpetrators. I have dealt with most things alright. But the thing I have going on right now has seemed to affect me more than anything else has before. And I'm not sure what to make of it.

I know there are bad people out there. People who hurt others. People who don't conform to the "norms" in society and are turned on by inappropriate things. I, for obvious reasons, cannot get detailed in what I'm talking about and that sucks. I guess, just know that what I had to view today was rather unpleasant and it was the first time in my day job that I really had a slap in the face about the evils of this world. I know they are out there, but to come face to face with one is an experience unlike no other.

So, I attempted to unwind (not until 9pm mind you) with one of my favorite shows, Castle, and a good drink. It didn't clear my mind completely, but it helped a bit. These are the times when I feel like I could work out for hours to blow off the steam. I just don't want to work out at 9pm however. Thankfully I work tomorrow and then I am off the rest of the week. Time to do some fun Disney work (and some unfun accounting Disney work), cleaning of the basement, sleeping, reading, chilling to some tunes...time for me. Which I think comes at just the right time.

Book Highlights

A couple of you asked about some of the books I read last year and I thought I'd share some highlights or favorites of mine.

*Even if you have been vacationing on Mars, you still would probably have heard about the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. While I wouldn't go as far as to call myself a "Twi-mom", I do have to admit a fondness for the series. I know some haven't cared for the series, but I love it. Eclipse is my favorite out of the four books.

*Dear John by Nicholas Sparks -- a very recent read for me and one prompted by the film that is being released soon. Next month I think. It was good, definitely didn't end the way I thought it would. It was a pretty quick read for me, but one I enjoyed.

*Cassandra Clare's City of Glass, etc--excellent writing. It's geared towards the teen readers, but I found it very engrossing.

*Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett -- This has been on my "to read" list forever. It is quite long, but is a fantastic read. It took me a bit to get into the book, but once I did I did not want to put it down. There is a follow up book, which is now on my "to read" list. ;-)

*Laurie Notaro -- anything by her is just, well, super awesome. She writes with such hilarity that I laugh out loud many times. The Idiot Guide series are excellent!

Those are a few of the highlights of my faves. This year I'll attempt to actually write more as I read them.

What are your favorites you've read?

2009 52 Books in 52 Weeks

So, I didn't reach my goal of 52 books last year. However I came close. I'm putting my list here so I can come back and find it if I need too. And I'm starting my 2010 list in the sidebar.

* 49. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
* 48. Songs of a Humpback Whale by Jodi Piccoult
* 47. Keeping Faith by Jodi Piccoult
* 46. Breaking Dawn (reread)
* 45. Eclispe (reread)
* 44. New Moon (reread)
* 43. Tempted by PC & Kristin Cast
* 42. This Common Secret by Susan Wicklund
* 41. shattered SILENCE by Melissa Moore
* 40. Things I Want My Daughters To Know by Elizabeth Noble
* 39. Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston
* 38. Thank You For All Things by Sandra Kring
* 37. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling
* 36. monster by Jonathon Kellerman
* 35. five things i can't live without by Holly Shumas
* 34. The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet
* 33. The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta
* 32. The Godmother by Carrie Adams
* 31. Up Close and Personal by Fern Michaels
* 30. Woman In Red by Eileen Goudge
* 29. The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski
* 28. Salvation in Death by J.D. Robb
* 27. A Hunger Like No Other by Kelsey Cole
* 26. No Rest For the Wicked by Kelsey Cole
* 25. Wicked Deeds on a Winter Night by Kelsey Cole
* 24. Dark Needs at Nights Edge by Kelsey Cole
* 23. Dark Desires after Dusk by Kelsey Cole
* 22. Kiss of a Demon King by Kelsey Cole
* 21. The Abortionist's Daughter by Elisabeth Hyde
* 20. Just Breathe by Susan Wiggs
* 19. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer
* 18. Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
* 17. new Moon by Stephanie Meyer
* 16. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
* 15. EON Dragoneye Reborn by Alison Goodman
* 14. whispers, the voice of paranoia by Ronald Siegel
* 13. City of Glass by Cassandra Clare
* 12. City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
* 11. City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
* 10. Hunted by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
* 9. The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
* 8. The Wishsong of Shannara - Terry Brooks
* 7. The Elfstones of Shannara - Terry Brooks
* 6. Sword of Shannara -Terry Brooks
* 5. Acheron - Sherrilyn Kenyon
* 4. 8 Sandpiper Way ~ Debbie Macomber
* 3. Collateral Damage ~ Fern Michaels
* 2. The Dragon Heir ~ Cinda Williams Chima
* 1. The Wizard Heir ~ Cinda Williams Chima

Household Duties

How are they divided in your home? Do you and your partner do an equal share? Do you both attack whatever needs to be cleaned or taken care of? Do you each have your own list of who does what?

What's wrong with this picture....

I just finished putting together a quote for a potential client for Disney. The kids are in bed, not sleeping. My husband is playing his computer game on the laptop as he listens to the football game. As I'm attempting to work, both kids are calling for something. More milk, can you sleep with me, etc.

I'll give you two guesses who got up to take care of both kids just now, but you'll only need one.

Thankfully I am now finished and am at the kid's beck & call.

Just when I thought it was safe

Life is wonky again. We are having an issue with Ari and I'm at a loss this evening. We just don't know what's going on. Please keep her, and us, in your thoughts.

Memories

Today it has been 16 years since my grandfather passed away. I can recall that day with crystal clarity. It was the first time that someone close to me died. And it was my grandpa. He had pretty bad heart issues and was only 56 years old when he died. His first heart attack was at age 37. He was gone too soon. On a wintry and blustery day.

So many memories. Oh so many. Ice fishing and having to pee in the bucket. Ice fishing, period. What memories. He took myself and my cousin Kim strawberry picking when we were like 10 or 11, and Kim was so thirsty...he kept asking if he was because she had too much to drink the night before. Stupid at the time, but one of those memories that has stuck with me. I recall wearing my black dress shoes to his house and he would get so upset because there would be black marks on the flooring. He also got me to try beets for the first time. And he loved butter pecan ice cream. I have that on occasion when I am thinking of him. Collecting maple syrup with him in the woods, and having him yell if we drank too much from the tree..."You'll get the runs" he'd say. He brought a lamb to my school for a show & tell things.

The man loved to fart. And thought it was hilarious to sneak up and drop a silent one on an old lady at the local grocery store. Then he'd walk away and everyone would look at the old lady. His farts were almost legendary.

My grandpa, with all his faults, was always there for me. He drove a van of giggling, and I'm sure very annoying, teenage girls home from cheer leading camp. For me. Of course, he embarrassed the hell out of my by talking about the roadkill we passed along our travels. "There's your dinner, everyone got a straw?" I about died. But now I look back and laugh.

He died just after the holidays, but I have no recollection of that last year of holidays with him. My last memory is seeing him in the audience at my holiday choir concert and the pride in his face. He never missed a show. That meant so much to me, still does. I'm choking up just feeling that memory.

I met Jason about 6 months after my grandpa died. I so wish he could have met Jason. And my children. I know he'd be so proud of them, and I wish my kids could have known his farts and his dorky look. That would have meant so much to me.

Love you gramps.

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