Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

kinda last minute getaway

so near the end of April, the hubs and I were talking & we said we'd each share something we wished we could do this year.  He, of course, would like to go and pay cash for a new camper.  Okay, not happening.  My turn.  Now, I have a problem dreaming big.  It's not something I usually do, I try to stay within attainable, small dreams. But I say I wish we could swing a quick trip to Walt Disney World before our annual passes expire.  He looks at me and says, you know we could possibly do that.  Um, no.  Not realistic at all.

Fast forward to one hour later and we are booked.  Nice flights on Southwest, we had enough vacation points to cover 3 nights, and of course we had our park tickets.  Airfare and food was what we needed to cover.  We worked it so we'd be gone Wed-Sat and would hit the last weekend of the Flower & Garden Festival at Epcot and the opening weekend of Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios.  Oh yeah, photos of flowers and getting my geek on?  Excitement was pretty high in the weeks leading up the trip.

The hubs and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage this August, so we decided to call it an early anniversary trip.  Anything to justify, right?

Here are some highlights.....

 We had beautiful skies, fantastic weather, and warmth in Florida.

  We made a pledge to be silly on this trip, to not take ourselves too seriously

 Some Haunted Mansion fun....

 Fiesta margarita.  You will begin to see a theme on this trip....

This year's festival had food booths and we took advantage of trying new foods & drinks.

 Dole Whip w/ Rum.  Yum.

 Another indulgence on this vacay, we got a SWEET deal on this car

Betty White and my finger shot for Seppy

Selecting dessert

 'The Dark Side,' a very yummy beverage

We had an awesome time.  We thoroughly enjoyed our lack of parental responsibilities for four days and enjoyed each others company.   We so needed this time and even though it was an extra expense, it was so worth it. 

anniversary

today is our wedded anniversary.  14 years of wedded bliss.  okay so it's probably more like 12 years of wedded "bliss" and 2 years of "something else" totaling it up.  we have had our ups and downs, and more downs recently, but we have worked together and attempted to stay communicating the best we can.  my partner has his moments (as do i) but we make the best we can out of each day.  what more can you ask for?

What's wrong with this picture....

I just finished putting together a quote for a potential client for Disney. The kids are in bed, not sleeping. My husband is playing his computer game on the laptop as he listens to the football game. As I'm attempting to work, both kids are calling for something. More milk, can you sleep with me, etc.

I'll give you two guesses who got up to take care of both kids just now, but you'll only need one.

Thankfully I am now finished and am at the kid's beck & call.

Time Goes On

I've visited my blog a couple times over the last month, but just haven't had the heart to post. I feel as if I have nothing to say when I sit down, even if there are moments during the day I think about sharing something.

I'll share some highlights, and lowlights, from recent weeks.

And thank you to those who have kept visiting, even if I have been a major turd.

Love ya!

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**My baby girl earned her High Yellow belt in karate on Oct 17th.

She is a rock star and I adore her. She is quite good at sparring, which should come as no surprise as I watch her fight with her brother. There are still a few hiccups along the way, but gosh darn it....the girl is good. And I want her to keep on doing this. The fine line between encouragement and pushing has become apparent at our home with karate. It's something that I tend to fall more on the encouragement side and Jason falls on the pushing side. We balance each other out, I guess.

As they drove to the studio tonight, about a block away Ariana stated she hated karate and didn't want to do it anymore. Jason told her she needed to go as they were almost there. She got to class and loved it. Talked about all the fun she had. He shared the experience with me and I took her by herself to discuss it. With no pressure. She thinks it's fun and wants to earn her Green Belt next, eventually getting to her Black Belt. When I asked her what that meant, she said she cannot quit. And recited the phrase, "A black belt is a white belt who never quit." I was so proud of her at that moment.

We'll see how class tomorrow goes. She could potentially have her first tournament on Nov 7th.

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*Ariana and her math homework -- she struggled at first with math, but has seemed to come into her own with it. I was so fearful that she was going to struggle and watching her at first was heartbreaking. Her perfectionism was killing her. And me. Let's just say I spent some nights in tears.

But she has improved and quite honestly, I'm surprised at how well she has been doing because of her struggles at first. She's naming off the answer like nothing.

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*Phoenix switched to a new classroom at daycare that is more preschool based back in Sept. That didn't go to well either. They do this behavior reward thing where have a flower on their cubby and if they misbehave the flower gets taken away. This child had many more days of a flowerless cubby than a flowered cubby upon pickup. Piss me off, and kind of befuddling. His other teachers never said anything about him not listening or being rowdy. Sure, I know the kid has boundless energy. I guess now that he's expected to be more student-like it's an issue. But come on, the kids are 3. Eventually, he figured it out (add in a change in the flower reward--the kids could earn it back later in the day, along with a teacher change) and my little buddy has earned the Megatron transformer we told him we'd buy him if he got 5 flowers in a row. (That took a while, let me tell ya.)

So, now we have a cross dressing Megatron walking around the house, being silly like usual.

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*My dad had a cancer check up last week. He had a scope last Wed and the doc said things look great. We are still waiting on lab tests, but it sounds promising. Take that cancer! Just hoping it continues to stay away. With the recurrence rate so high, it worries me, but I can't dwell on that.

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*Jason and I have had our issues over the last weeks, hell...months. Communication has been lacking and we are working on it. We're both so tired that we snap at each other and then the other gets pissed off. I can't tell you how many nights I wanted to sleep on the couch or cried tears in the bathroom. Marriage is a work in progess, and it's been a little bumpy lately. We need to step up our game when it comes to the kids, to our home, to ourselves. And I know we can.

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*We had the pleasure and opportunity to attend the Preeclampsia Foundation's annual fundraising gala, Saving Grace: A Night of Hope this past weekend in Chicago. It's always a treat to see old faces and to meet in person others you've chatted online with. The night was fun and highly emotional. (I've got a post for that coming too). Lots of tears, lots. It was a successful evening, and I am so grateful we were able to attend.

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*My other big time-taker-upper is work. My day job has been exhausting. What the fuck is so hard about following rules people? You screwed up and broke the law, now pay your toll and get off probation. We were many hats with this job: agent turns into social worker, couples counselor, life coach, miracle worker. And it can be draining if one doesn't figure out how to balance it. Which I'm working on. I haven't been all that successful lately, but it's improving. There is never a dull day, that's for sure.

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Well those are our family highlights. I'm preparing an emotional post, one that I'm scared yet anxious to write. I've got some major things happening at work, then it's on it's way.

Sleep tight all, may your dreams be sweet and saucy.

Another Year In

Today, Jason and I have been married for 11 years. The last couple years haven't been easy, especially this last one...but we've managed to work together to overcome the obstacles life has brought us. Communication has been key for us and has been something we've always felt was necessary, along with lots of belly shaking laughter. Marriage isn't always easy, some days it is a great deal of work. There are times when I've thought, I love you but I don't like you today. And that's okay. I'm not likeable at moments either. And later on, we laugh about those moments.

This man loves me. Loves me when I'm being stubborn and obstinate. Loves me when I need it the most, on the dark days. Loves me the way that I am; ugly feet, fat rolls, and all. He sees my crazy hair in the morning after awaking and tells me I'm beautiful.

He's not exactly perfect, well neither of us are. But he's mine. And the trials of life that we've traversed together have brought us closer together and made us that much stronger.

My dear Jason....I love you.

Busy, LIke Bees Making Honey

My dear husband, oh...what's his name? Oh yeah, Jason. Well, he's been working. A. Lot. I commented to him as he came home this afernoon that he is more like my boyfriend, who stops by to visit and spend the night. And since we are both exhausted, it's like I'm wearing one of those purity rings. You know what I'm talking about. The one that the Jonas brothers wear. Even when they are sucking face with a chic, ahem I hope that doesn't lead to intercourse. Yikes, that would be a teen idol scandal.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, it's been so long since me and my boyfriend (hubby) have had r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s, I think I may have become a virgin again. Come on, stop laughing. I'm serious.

Yes, I'm talking about sex. As in my own personal sex life. So don't read any further if you don't want to hear about my birds & bees, or lack thereof.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, what does that mean for my girlie parts? Are they old & musty or hankering for some lovin'? I can say it's more likely the former, I think I saw a moth fly out of there the other day. Okay, I'm kidding. But that was funny, wasn't it.

This work stuff should slow down soon for him. Hopefully. If I don't update my blog for a few days, you know it's because we're exploring caves.

Goodnight. That's all I got for ya. Enjoy the laughs.

sigh

Sometimes husbands suck.

I had one fricking drink (and starting a second) when he called tonight. I caught him "off guard" and he's acting all wierd about it. I've had like two drinks the entire time I've been here at training, it's not like I'm boozing each night.

sigh. I guess I don't see the big deal.

Why Do I Bother?

I have tried to pick up items for my dearest husband in the past and it always ends up turning into a fiasco. If it's a polo shirt for work, the sleeves are wrong or it has a pocket. If it's a movie, it's not widescreen and he complains (before I can even tell him that all they had was the fullscreen version). I've actually told myself recently that I wasn't buying any more shit for him, since I apparently have no clue what he likes.

Well, he's been complaining he needs new t-shirts. And he wears his Nike tee's all the time. So, Kohls had them on sale and I picked up a few. Turns out they are all in the same color he already has and they are a size Large, which he normally wears. There has been an issue with shrinkage in the past on these shirts, so he bought an XL last time. The XL in the store looked gigantic, even if it'd shrink. So I bought the larges. Planning to ensure that they are washed carefully without hot water and high heat.

Since my intention was just to buy him some new shirts, and NOT to replace the shirts he has already, I am now returning them. God forbid he replace one of the shirts or have two in the same color. And I've told myself, AGAIN, that it's a waste of my time to shop for him for shit like this.

I know it's my own damn fault, but it makes me feel like shit when I'm trying to do something nice for him and it ends up being "wrong" or whatever. At times, I wonder why I even fucking bother.