Bumps in the road

Took a minute to scroll the facebook feed and came across this, posted by a Buddhist page I follow:

"You will only be surrounded by annoying people and frustrating situations until you learn not to get annoyed or frustrated. Then you will only see them as people and situations, nothing more."

  

And with that the righteous indignation blew almost fully out of me.  Tonight I have been incredibly frustrated.  And feeling alone, disappointed, hurt, fearful, and a few other things I'm not delving too deep for. 

I am fighting my schema, or framework, tonight.  I got stuck, and still am a bit, in my traits.  Traits that I am working through and beyond, but it is the framework and has been for 30+ years. 

I'm not sure where things are going from here.  I feel like my relationship may be at a crossroads.  Only, I'm the only one that probably feels that way.  Which is part of the problem.

I am fighting shame and fear so hard tonight.  And self-deprecation.  And the knowledge as well as knee jerk reaction of self sacrifice. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of lack of perceived control, fear of the intensity of my emotions, fear of happiness, fear of being authentic.  And I continue on the merry-go-round.  I continue to create and encourage chaos in my life.  For so many reasons.

I have no ownership over his actions.  He is responsible for himself and I can only choose how I react.

N&K, Party II

Highlights from the big day....

Nikki & Kristin, I am so proud of both of you.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your special day.  I wish you years of love, light, laughter, and joy.  All my love, D

kinda last minute getaway

so near the end of April, the hubs and I were talking & we said we'd each share something we wished we could do this year.  He, of course, would like to go and pay cash for a new camper.  Okay, not happening.  My turn.  Now, I have a problem dreaming big.  It's not something I usually do, I try to stay within attainable, small dreams. But I say I wish we could swing a quick trip to Walt Disney World before our annual passes expire.  He looks at me and says, you know we could possibly do that.  Um, no.  Not realistic at all.

Fast forward to one hour later and we are booked.  Nice flights on Southwest, we had enough vacation points to cover 3 nights, and of course we had our park tickets.  Airfare and food was what we needed to cover.  We worked it so we'd be gone Wed-Sat and would hit the last weekend of the Flower & Garden Festival at Epcot and the opening weekend of Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios.  Oh yeah, photos of flowers and getting my geek on?  Excitement was pretty high in the weeks leading up the trip.

The hubs and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage this August, so we decided to call it an early anniversary trip.  Anything to justify, right?

Here are some highlights.....

 We had beautiful skies, fantastic weather, and warmth in Florida.

  We made a pledge to be silly on this trip, to not take ourselves too seriously

 Some Haunted Mansion fun....

 Fiesta margarita.  You will begin to see a theme on this trip....

This year's festival had food booths and we took advantage of trying new foods & drinks.

 Dole Whip w/ Rum.  Yum.

 Another indulgence on this vacay, we got a SWEET deal on this car

Betty White and my finger shot for Seppy

Selecting dessert

 'The Dark Side,' a very yummy beverage

We had an awesome time.  We thoroughly enjoyed our lack of parental responsibilities for four days and enjoyed each others company.   We so needed this time and even though it was an extra expense, it was so worth it. 

tone

sometimes i wish he could hear himself speak and how the message comes across.  to me, to the children.  they get the message loud and clear that they are disrupting his world even without the words.

a load of thankfulness

soooo, here goes a truck load of thankfulness.  be patient with me.  and read them all, i may sneak a gut-buster in there.  #you never know.


7 - i am really freakin' thankful for my iPhone.  completely rubbish thing to be thankful for, but i just love it.  so very much. 

8 - i unplugged from technology (besides our dvd & tv) for more hours than i expected to this last week.  it was full of awesomeness.  and i didn't miss it. 

9 - tonight i am very thankful for my large hospital mug i got when the boy child was in the hospital in jan.  it holds a fantastic amount of liquids.  could be a mixed drink or could be water, either way i can suck on that baby for a long time.  (did you laugh at that one?)

10 - i am extremely thankful that i am not ill.  my husband, on the other hand, is.  and somehow it is just as painful for me.

11 - we had a very bountiful thanksgiving meal and for that i am thankful.  thankful we could provide that for our family.  thanksgiving has not been a huge deal in my family, but we've carved (ha ha!) out our own little tradition in the last few years.

12 - i am incredibly thankful for friends who can make me laugh.  you know who you are.  the lightheartedness means more to me than you can ever know.

13 - the hubster, even though he is waaaayy annoying today with his illness, i am thankful for him.  we have weathered some really big storms and i know life is not easy with me, thanks for working with me to make this crazy life of ours work the best way for us.  i am not perfect and i make mistakes, but you have stuck by me and i appreciate that.

14 - i adore the movies.  and having gone to the movies twice within one week is spectacular!  the upcoming months will prove to be just as delightful with many movies on my "want-to-see" list.  nothing like the big screen.

15 - tampons are awesome.  i want to give thanks that pads are not part of my monthly attire.  (sorry, guys)  (ladies, you know what i am talking about)

16 - we are heading out on vacation this next week and i am very thankful about many a things about that vacay.  16A:  my dad's delta points getting us airfare  16B:  people watching at Disney, there's simply nothing better   16C:  the holidays at Disney, extra magical    16D:  no work for the week!

17 - my cousin and her partner are having a shindig next fall.  and they asked me to be a part of it.  how freakin' awesome, and i am so thankful for the both of them.  i have always supported marriage equality, however having those two in my life has allowed myself to grow with my support for equality.  i am thankful nikki has found the one and vice versa.  they make each other better people and are just plain fun to be around.

18 - my mom came across my grandfather's wedding band and she gave it to me last week.  while my grandparents divorced shortly after i was born and i do not recall them being together, i am very appreciative of the token.  something to keep on my person, if i wish, that is tangible.  he's been gone for 18 years. 

19 - i have chosen to look at my preeclampsia experience with gratitude.  i have met some amazing individuals as a result of my involvement with the PF and have been involved in some AWEsome things as a result.  i am able to appreciate my life and my children in a way I could never have dreamed of before.

20 - i am weird.  and i like it.  i never imagined being thankful for not usually being the odd person out, but in the last few years (in particular this year) i have embraced this and myself.  if you do not like it or accept me for who i am, that is your issue not mine.  i am a geek who loves star wars and lotr, a nerd who loves to read.  and acceptance is a beautiful thing.

21 - choices, i am so very thankful for choices.  we have the ability to make choices about our lives.  choices that lead us into a different direction, choices that may be the most difficult we ever make, choices on simple things.  not everyone may support those choices, but they are ours to make and ours alone. 

alright, i think that is it for tonight.  my attention span is beginning to wane.

love

forgive me, dear internet.  life hath run away with me again and blogging has not been at the forefront.  i do what i can.

i had a fun time with my cousin and her partner taking some "pitchers" of them.....here are the highlights.

We had so much fun.  They are the most adorable couple and they were so gracious to ask me to take some photos.  I am no professional, but I think I did a decent job at capturing them.  :)   What a privilege to spend time with them.

Belated Anniversary Post

Jason and I celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss (okay, so some days are not so blissful) on Friday, Aug 29. The day was pretty damn perfect except for some minor children crankiness for about two hours around dinner.

To my hubby,

Thank you for making me smile, for surprising me when I least expect it, for the tremendous support over the last 14 years together, and for all your love. When I have something to share, you are the first person I want to tell. And even when you are driving me crazy with your zipper music, your singing, or your Fantasy sports crap....I love ya. Thank you for loving me.

Denise

Differences

Tonight is one of those evenings where husband and wife have limited contact and/or conversation in our home. No matter who says something, the other seems to take it the wrong way. We're both tired and a teensy cranky, which is when this usually starts to unfold. He's been working some extra hours and feeling pressure for a project at work. He went into the office to work today. Wonderful. He comes home in time for playoff football, and sits on his ass all afternoon/evening with the occasional moment with a child or folding of the kid's clothing. That leaves me taking on heavier house & kid duties. Waaanderful.

The thing that set me off this afternoon was him not wanting to take Ariana outside to play for 20 minutes. He wanted to watch football. (Football is a sore subject in this house at the moment.) I, of course, got bitchy and said I'm sick of football coming before other things. Like your children, who haven't seen you all day, and want to spend time with you. He suggest I take her outside. Sure, me who has no snow pants and has this beautiful chest cold. Thank you so much for thinking beyond yourself. So, I fall into my pig-headed stubborness and get Ariana dressed and then myself, at which point he comes over to put on his stuff. A small tiff ensues with me continuing to be stubborn and pissy, and him saying, fine whatever. He got to go to a f'in Packer game last week while I stayed home with sick kids. I had sick kids all week. On New Year's I got a couple of hours for myself. I said I was going to try out my new scrapbooking tool, a Cricut, some. Well, I spent a bit too much time of the computer for his liking and he comes downstairs with this f'in tone in his voice, "I thought you were playing with your Cricut." Um, if it's my time...shut the hell up. I can spend it how I like. It's just adding up this week.

I get that he's tired and stressed. I appreciate the fact that he goes to work M-F to earn a living to provide for us, I really do. And I know that he appreciates me being home with the kids and doing the majority of the housework. He is a wonderful help with the kids, most of the time. Hell, he's ten times more involved than some of the husbands I know. I went into marriage and parenthood knowing that our partnership would be as close to 50-50 as possible. I'm an equal opportunity parent. It's give and take.

But there occurs these moments when I'm pissy about doing 18 f'in loads of laundry over the last two weeks, shopping, wiping butts, figuring out what's for dinner, looking at the scummy toilet and saying, gee I better clean that...moments where I'm just tired of doing all that crap. He can say thank you for taking care of all the things I take care of all day for days, but there's this level of deeper understanding that I don't think he gets. Yes, I understand the constrains of a full time job with pressure and stress...I use to work full time. There's more to being a stay at home mom than playing with your kids and putting dinner on the table. Yes, I understand I perhaps have more time to clean and do laundry. But, if you've ever spent an entire day with our children, you know that the extra time isn't what it seems to be. I typically start to get pissy when he slacks off some. The slacking could be due to illness, work, whatever. I try to understand some of it, but eventually I'm so frickin' tired of keeping everything running that my mouth seems to shoot off. I attempt to keep things running smoothly so there are few bumps along the way. But that gets exhausting after a while.

We are different in many ways. We do lots of things differently. We worry about different things. One shining example is me going through the kids clothing, putting aside the items that no longer fit and pulling out the next size clothes we have. And making sure each child has enough clothing. I take care of that, I always have. And I made the moronic decision to work on that this week when I'm in a peaky mood. Not my best decision. So, of course, I get pissy and we have slight words about it. I'm pissy cuz he never has to worry about stuff like this and I ask what he'd do if I wasn't here to take care of that particular task. He laughs and says, well the kids would be wearing clothes probably way past when they no longer fit. Funny, very funny. This causes me to roll my eyes and slowly back into the bedroom again where my eyes start to tear up. These are the types of things that he does not understand. And unless I, for some reason, wouldn't be here to do it...he'll never have to worry about it.

We're both tired. He allows himself to sit his ass on the couch watching TV all evening. Me, I have problems allowing myself to do something like that. There always seems to be something to do, dishes to wash, clothes to fold, toys to clean up, etc. I have a more difficult time relaxing in situations like that. And I know it, it's incredibly frustrating for me.

I can appreciate our difference, but there are times when I loathe them as well.

9 Years

Tomorrow I will be married to my best friend for 9 years.

I feel almost like a completely different person now, and our marriage has grown and changed in so many ways. In 9 years of marriage we have learned and experienced many things together. We have learned how important communication is and have a friendship that has just grown into a bond I could have never imagined. We have learned to appreciate the little things and cherish the sweet moments of life. I think our love has grown so much that, if possible, we love each other more than the day we said, “I do.”

This man - he is my best friend, my soul mate. I yearn to get my morning kiss as he leaves for work and my heart still leaps when he comes home. He makes working so hard to overcome the challenges in our life worth each and every obstacle we face. The good days are only made sweeter by sharing them with him. I am awful at telling him how much I adore him and how I am so thankful to be his wife.

So, I’m telling him right now, I adore you!

Jason, today I commit myself to you again. I promise to love, honor, respect, encourage, and astound you. I promise to be your partner, your lover, your friend. I love you, you and no other, forever.

And in honor of that special day nine years ago, here are the vows I pledged....

Jason, I take you to be my husband,
from this time onward,
to join with you and share all that is to come,
to give and to receive,
to speak and to listen,
to inspire and to respond,
in all circumstances of our life together,
to be loyal to you with my whole life and with all my being

Exchange of Rings:
I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment,
and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you.


I can't wait for the next 9 years. They will be a pleasure to share with you.

Love always,
Denise