exhausting

Last night I made the comment that I wish we had video cameras in the house so others can really see what life is life with SPD and anxiety.  In particular, our family.  The boy child's engine was on high ALL NIGHT LONG, no matter what we tried for strategies.  And just when we thought he was coming down and was heading towards bed, he thought he heard a noise in his room.  This led to an hour long battle challenge of working through the "there's a monster in my room" issue. 

Screaming.  Sweating.  Rigid body.  Crying.  Hiding.  Fear.  Talking a mile a minute (although this isn't much different from other daily moments).  Back to terror.  Us looking at each other wondering what the hell set this off and how can we bring him down. 

Eventually we got him calmed down and he started off the night in his own bed.  Whew.  It was one of those anxiety moments that I wish others could witness.  It wouldn't make me feel so alone at times, especially when trying to explain it to family & friends.

tone

sometimes i wish he could hear himself speak and how the message comes across.  to me, to the children.  they get the message loud and clear that they are disrupting his world even without the words.

Promise Walk 2013

For the fourth time, I am playing host to a Promise Walk for Preeclampsia in my city.  As a two-time preeclampsia survivor, I cannot imagine not being involved.  I am coming up on the 10 year mark of my HELLP Syndrome experience and 7 years on my subsequent pregnancy with pregnancy.  And at the end of the year, it will be 10 years since I found the Preeclampsia Foundation.  Without the organization and the women I have met, I fear how things could have gone for me.  The ladies offered support and encouragement when I needed it most.  They were there for me when I was scared during pregnancy #2.  I have been volunteering in various capacities for about 9 years.  I have met some incredible individuals and had the privilege in other women's joys & heartbreaks.  Been inspired and had the opportunity to be involved in some powerful events over the years.  The ashes of what was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life have led me to awesome things in my life.  And for that I am thankful.

UBP 2013

It's been a while since I've participated, but I'm going to again this year. The 5 Minutes for Mom Ultimate Blog Party 2013 began last night and it's a great deal of fun as well as a neat way to meet new blogs (aka people) to read. 

Technically, I'm in the section of "mommy blogger" (even though I loathe that name), but it's where I fit best.  For those stopping by for the first time, HI.  I'm Denise, a thirty-something lady with a husband and two kidlets.  I am a two-time preeclampsia survivor, a lover of books, a listener of music, and a Disney enthusiast.  I am working out some personal issues that are thirty years in the making, which has been interesting to say the least.  We have a few extra needs to deal with with our kidlets (also referred to as "halflings"):  anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder.  Life is good.  I'm breathing and that is one awesome thing.  :)

So, feel free to make yourself comfortable and be sure to say hi before you leave!

December Vacation Recap

Tomorrow will be five months since we departed for our December Disney Vacay and here is a recap because I am in the mood for happy thoughts this afternoon.  :)

The Good:  Visiting WDW during the holiday season.  It's awesome.  One of my favorite times of the year to visit the World.

The WTF:  Two days before we leave, we learn that our airline tickets have been "cancelled" according to Delta.  They said we had cancelled the flights right after my dad made them in early spring 2012.  Raaaa-ight.  I don't think so, check the glitch in your computer.  Panic.  Almost my biggest freak out, evah.  My dad works to get us back in business, but it will be an adventure from the sounds of it.  No assigned seats, no seats from MSP to our local airport so we'll have to drive.  Just get me on vacation!

The Surprise:  The next day, my dad figures out he has enough reward miles that ALL of us can fly FIRST CLASS!  Yes, my loud, energetic kids flew first class.  And they were awesome on the flights!!

The "Oh Shit!":  Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for the airport, Jason asks if I have our annual passes.  Um, nope.  Totally spaced it out.  Went to get them out of the small safe and discover the key is broken off & half of it is left in the safe.  Panic.  Freak out #2.  Thankfully he is able to get the other half of the key lined up and the lock engages & unlocks.  Whew, panic over.  Can we seriously get on this freakin' vacation!

The Good:  Ari being silly.  Enough said.

The Never-Again:  We were lucky enough to um, ahem, enjoy two family vacation in 2012.   I love being able to share WDW with my family, however what I have learned about myself and my immediate family is that we need our space.  Dealing with two kidlets who have some extra needs is demanding enough.  Add in worrying about making sure others are happy and that our kids' issues are not trespassing on them is just too much.  I will gladly vacation at the same time with family again.  However, we will NOT be staying in the same room/villa/whatever again.  It is just too stressful for me.  I have good memories of each of the vacations, but the stress of the vacations is one of my foremost memories for each.  And that's not what I want my vacations to be about.

The Good:  Kids with camera.  They each had some fun and now have added cameras to their wish lists.

The Lesson-Learned:   Vacationing with family is wonderful, however time apart is very important.  I mean, think about it...you live with a partner and love/like that person, but not 100% of the time.  There is probably something they do that is slightly annoying, whatever.  Going on vacation with family and spending 100% of the time together is too much togetherness for my family.  We need breaks from each other to truly enjoy the time spent together.  I tell this to my Disney clients all the time, but it's easier said than done.

 The Odd:  I became oddly fascinated by the theming of the garbage/recycling containers.

The Good:  Favorite Spot at Animal Kingdom.  Prime photo locale I love.

The Regret:  Not taking enough photos of things I wanted to capture.  And that just won't happen unless I get time to myself or perhaps it's just J and I. 

The Bad:  Well, I guess I could say it's a good, but I HATE bird aviaries.  Seriously dislike them.   However, I went through it with my daughter to make her happy.

The Funny:  Getting my dad to try the Beverly at Epcot.  The kids thought it was hilarious!
The Eye-rolling:  my dad wearing a Hooter's shirt at a Disney theme park.  

The Good:  Flowers in December, always a beautiful sight.   One of my favorite things about WDW is the landscaping and flowers.  I am always finding a new flower to enjoy and come home with loads of flower photos.

The Relief:  With issues of behavior, we were a bit worried how things would go this vacay.  And while there were a few meltdowns, for the most part the kids were awesome!  Take that SPD and ADHD!  We came prepared and with a plan to manage the stressors, the overwhelmed moments, and more.  And it helped tremendously.

The Good/The Bad:  time spent in the new Fantasyland expansion at Magic Kingdom.  Got to ride The Little Mermaid twice in a row with no wait.  But did not spend nearly enough time here.

The Awesomesauce:  Taking a silly face photo while on Spaceship Earth and laughing so hard each time we see the photo during the ride.  It was almost a "pee my pants" moment.  :) 

The Bad turned Good:  The kids were melting down, so were we.  We separated from my parents and were hoping to turn things around, or at least find a spot to stuff them in.  It was not one of the finer moments of the vacation, lots of yelling, sassing, eye-rolling and tears.  What a difference 10 minutes can make.  Yummy treats and coming across this performance, which had us dancing and singing in the front row.  Phoenix got to play the cow bell and ended up with a guitar pick after he told the band they were "awesome" at the end.

Mulch, Sweat & Shears

The Brave:  I rode Tower of Terror for my daughter.  And I was quaking inside the entire time waiting in line.  And I screamed like a little kid during the ride.  I was told by my 9yo to "face my fears" and after her doing so on this trip (and the one in June), how could I not?! 


So there are the highlights.  It was a trip in which we came home with good memories and as usual, needed a vacation from our vacation.  It was a fabulous time!

March

March of this year came and went quickly.  It was a fierce, busy, pain in the ass.  But we all survived.  Doing some wonderful things for myself and how I am thinking.  Some moments are a bit tough, but I work through it.  The theme of March would probably be alone and busy.  Most importantly, however is that March is simply a month of my life story, one that holds many, many months of story.  :)

forgiveness

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi 

the last post i made immediately prior to this was done out of frustration and anger.  i am working to move beyond those emotions and thus came the topic of forgiveness during my last counseling session.  she asked if i could forgive the things that have impacted me.  and while i hope i can do so, i feel lost at identifying what exactly i need to forgive with some issues.  then came the homework.  i am working on a project in which i identify what things in my life have deeply wounded/cut/whatever term and then working on acceptance.  i do not want to wallow in this pit of anger & frustration i have with several key things in my life.  i want to accept what is and move on.  the actual process of doing that is the sticky part.  and so i have this journal project sitting in my shelf.  it has been there for one week and i am feeling fearful of looking at this shit that exists within me.  but today i will begin.  and that is a wonderful step.

Shut yer mouth!

i have a secret, one that i cannot share at this time, but it is causing me to channel my inner hobbit......"keep it secret, keep it safe."  that is what gandalf says to frodo in lotr.  this secret is a big one and one that requires secrecy for safety.   i realize i am being shifty with the secret talk, but just a handful of people know the secret and we have a while to go before things are public.  so when someone who is in the know starts running their mouth and saying things that could cause others to go "hmmmm," i am going to say something.  and i did.  it was a pretty big thing for me to do with this particular person, which is ultimately what led me to write today.

i stood up and said something, which is something i do not usually do with this person.  i have always tried to keep the peace, but that is coming to an end.  it is about frickin' time i speak up and i am happy with myself that i did so.

a long time coming

i have started and deleted a few blog posts in the last two weeks, the words just not flowing like i wish they would.  and this post will probably be a jumble of words, so hang on tight.  :)

i have had some up days and down days, but i continue to work on personal growth and acceptance.  i struggle with acceptance as i feel there is something i should do (as in a task) or that there should be a difference in feeling, but there isn't.  well, there is a sense of freedom that comes as i move through acceptance.  but sometimes is way fucking difficult to do.  all in all, i feel better.  i feel better about myself and how i talk to myself and think about myself.  i know that i am capable, loveable, and pretty darn awesome.  gosh, that sounds so freaking egotistical.  i feel powerful, in a good way.  and that is amazing.

i received many gifts today as it's my 37th birthday.  some were material things, some monetary.  but the greatest gifts i received were those of love.  people who care about me and love me for who i am gathered together to celebrate the day.  people on facebook shared their birthday wishes.  i had some awesome texts as well from some special folks in my life.  what an amazing gift.  i am so grateful for everyone's love and friendship. 

this week i took part in a phenomenal event, One Billion Rising.  It was a call for a revolution that demands an end to violence against women & children across the globe.  We had some "random acts of dance" at work that involved some great dance moves (the sprinkler, the lawn mower, moonwalking, I could go on and on) and lots of laughter.  At work it's easy, everyone gets why we are doing this.  We are all aware of the violence and the atrocities committed.  Outside of work, it's a different story.  Getting people to care about violence in another country or even across town is difficult.  That is something I have difficulty understanding, but human rights, particularly female rights are a passionate cause in my heart.  I also had the opportunity to help plan and participate in a community event for OBR.  It didn't turn out as planned, but we had fun nonetheless. 

The snafu of the event led to a nightmare about the walk that I coordinate....I dreamed that no one but my family of four showed up at the event.  No one else.  Ack!  What a nightmare.  My heart is bursting with love for this event and I always want it to turn out well, but there are challenges.  something i figured out through this process of self discovery & growth is that i need validation from outside source to feel worthy.  and when planning a community event, this can be an issue.  when i feel as if no one is listening or cares, i feel like it is a rejection of me.  i can logically understand this isn't so, but deep down if it's important to me and i am important to someone else, why don't they recognize the passion and support it.  it is something i am working on and with multiple projects going on, i am getting the opportunity for lots of practice. :)

i am learning to love myself.  to be comfortable with myself and to hell with what others think.  that i need to please myself rather than pleasing others first.  i got an amazing text tonight from a friend and her words touched me in a way she cannot possibly imagine.  i love her and her friendship and i am so fortunate to have her in my life.  she gets me and accepts me for who i am at my core, quirks and all.  what a gift.  she's a pretty spectacular person herself.  love ya.

the hubs and i are doing awesome, working on our communication and support of each other.  it's been fantastic.  it has been a new commitment to each other and our family, which was needed. 

we had parent teacher conferences this last week.  the kids are doing great!  the boy child has been doing well with OT and the extra things we've added at home for his needs and we are seeing improvements with those additions.  the girl child is also doing great and continues to amaze me.  they both slept through the night, in their own beds for 6 nights in a row.  YES.  i could not say if that ever happened before.  it is pure awesomesauce!

well, that's the wrap-up for now.  signing off for the night.

when does it end

i've written this post before.  however, the issue has come up again and after discussing it with the counselor, she asked that i take a look at it and ask for input from my fellow PE sisters.

i am a fan of Downtown Abbey and this weeks episode had a preeclampsia storyline.  i knew this going in, but did not know what the true story would be.  i did not know that i would be left breathless as i watched lady sybil pass away from eclampsia.  i did not know the feeling of helplessness would crush my soul as i watched tom beg his wife to breath and stay with him.  i sobbed silently all while wanting to scream at the tv.

for the most part, i believe i have healed from my experience, however there are times when a flashback hits and i can recall details such as the light shining through the window, the beep of the machines, the squeeze of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes, the red in my urine bag and how fucking scared i was all while i felt removed from the situation.  i was present but not.  the mag was coursing through my veins and i am sure that helped the feeling of detachment in addition to the HELLP Syndrome that was starting cause a major decline in my body function.

usually as i gear up for walk season, i can get a bit emotional.  however, since i am a doer it helps to manage those feelings by walk planning.  yet on walk day, when i bear witness to the other sisters and families sharing their stories, it comes back.  i drive by the birthing center on a regular basis and 10 years later, it can shoot me back to those days.  i have been to the birthing center twice since P was born.  while things turned out well for him, i still had preeclampsia and with the abruption scare, it just added to the emotional trauma.  (i feel uncomfortable calling it trauma, but i need to call it what it is.)  the last time i went to the hospital was i think 5 years ago.  and i had what i guess i could call a panic attack just sitting in the parking lot prior to going in.  the pressure in my chest squeezing as i rode the elevator up to the 2nd floor.  and my footsteps feeling like wading through lead as i walked to her room.  it was a short visit.  i cried the entire ride home.  and i am uncomfortable even thinking about going back in.

i know several of my PE sisters have similar reactions.  but my question is, when does this end?  does it get better?  will the volunteering i do to ease the pain and efforts to help other avoid this condition make it hurt less eventually.  i know that i have cannot stop giving and doing for the foundation.  it is simply not an option, not when other families are experiencing the heartache of losing mothers and/or babies to preeclampsia.  knowing that i was one of the lucky ones, i feel it is my duty to serve in the fight against preeclampsia.  i just wish the feelings that sneak up would lessen.  and i don't know if that is possible.

fear vs love

in my session with the counselor this week I worked through an exercise that was another light bulb moment for me.  i mentioned in my first vomit-post that i have issues with feeling unworthy.  apparently the feeling of fear is strong in me.  many things that i may "feel" are really surface issues that are truly fear.  i may be frustrated with something, which in turn makes me angry.  and i feel helpless, which is an awful, horrible feeling for me.  but that really boils down to feeling abandoned, which ultimately means that i am afraid.  i want to be seen and validated which equal acceptance.  and i am fearful when i do not feel accepted.

we discussed how things at their basic level are based on fear or love.  and many, most to be honest, in my life are based in fear at the moment and have been for a while.  i am fearful of being abandoned.  if i look at it, i think "well duh."  i have a father who didn't want me at the start.  i just never thought i had an issue with it, but i never allowed myself to just simply accept it for what it truly was and move on.

i also discovered that i use surface feeling words to deal with my "problems" rather than allow and accept what the true feeling may really be.  i got this awesome worksheet with feeling words.  in part, it appears to be a grade school emotions sheet, but it had been great for me to find a different, more accurate word for what i may be feeling.  i am trying to be a human 'being' rather than a human 'doer.'  it is a challenge.  to let the feelings percolate and honestly feel them rather than tell myself i shouldn't feel that way or just plain stuff it immediately.  that song & dance is getting me nowhere.  and my journey is to somewhere other than where i have been lately.  i want to be healthier.  healthier emotionally, mentally and physically.  it's a package deal.

i love myself.  quirks, oddness, goodness and all.  i just need to remind myself of that way more often.

progress

i have wanted to start another post this week so many times, but each time i sat down to write nothing would come out.  i guess it is part of the process, but it was frustrating to say the least.  nonetheless, i have working on progress this week.  sunday, after my purge post, i felt AMAZING.  i felt powerful and hopeful.  awesome combo, right.  monday, i had an appt with the counselor and it went well.  i was able to express things that i had written out and verbally speak them.  out loud.  scary and exhilarating at the same time.  i have several things i want to tackle for myself and i was reminded this is a process.  and one that will not take place overnight.  some days or weeks might be bad and others will be great.  there may be steps back while i make the steps forward, i just need to keep the eye on the prize....which is a healthier me.

things i have learned/worked on this week:

*one of my goals is to change how i speak to myself internally.  i am attempting to be more aware of what i say to myself and wow, that is #1 more difficult than i thought it would be and #2 when i said i was hard on myself, that was truth.  little shit that i make a mistake on or do in a manner that afterwards made more sense to do another way, i will call myself stupid or brainless.  i call myself a bad mom when something happens with the kids that i somehow say i caused it.  i do not feel sexy or beautiful which, of course, impacts intimacy with my partner and i tell myself i am unworthy of him or shouldn't matter because i cannot be with him more often.  and it's a fucking cycle.  i will hear myself do it and then i started beating myself up for doing it.  i finally said, enough.  and now i try to tell myself "stop it" when i hear the negative self talk start. 

*in the last year or so, i have become very uncomfortable with touch, especially in certain areas.  it sucks, but it is what it is.  however, since i have started this 'journey' it has ramped up.  the best that i can figure out is that it ties into how i feel about my body, but also what i have been storing in my gut emotion-wise.  i have also looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that i can no longer hide the pain, the emotions, and whatever else by eating and by staying fat.  i have told myself over and over that while i am not 100% happy with how i look, i am comfortable with myself.  what a lie.  what i weigh is a reflection of a protection mechanism i have created for myself.  i have told myself i am not worthy of taking care of myself or losing weight to be more healthy or to look & feel better about myself.  well, that shit has got to stop.  I am trying a new tactic of looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud that i am beautiful and i am worth it.  and i know i want to make changes.  i am done being the fat lady who likes to laugh.  i want to be the healthier me who loves to laugh.

*the counselor identified something for me that while i think i knew, i didn't really get it 100%.  i am a doer.  i like to do something to ease the stress or emotion of what i am feeling.  i was feeling a bit lost after facing what shit i was stuffing.  lost as in i didn't know what to do with the emotion or what to do next about it.  and one of the biggest things she said to me was, "there may not be anything to do."  which made me very uncomfortable, but when i really looked at it i saw she was right.  for years i have channeled emotions into tasks rather than dealing with them.  however, there are times it is a way for me to process and work through what i am feeling.  many times when i become emotionally upset, i bake or clean.  i look at it like my way of taking that "count to 10 and then respond" break someone who is angry needs to do.  it works to deflate me.  but i also need to remember that i do need to feel some of these things and there may not be a way for me to do something about it.  i have a feeling this one will take some time.

*i am working on being more accountable right now.  i have a tendency when overwhelmed to lost track of stuff or forget things.  there is more to this that i cannot go into at the moment, but there will be a time i will.  hopefully in the near future.

this is a transformation for me.  i know i will come out different in the end and that is okay.  i want to be a better me.  and i believe i can do it.

a post with no name

i have been thinking of this post for a week now.  and i just had nor made the time to post.  i think some of it was that i was not ready yet.  but it feels necessary at the moment so here goes.  this will be a long post, a painful post, but it is something i need to do.  i need to put this somewhere and this is my space.  i will be writing about things i have barely said out loud to anyone. ever.  and here i am throwing it out for the whole damn internet to see.

i recently started seeing a therapist to help me deal with some shit that has essentially bubbled up in 2012 and it was getting to the point where i knew i needed to work on resolving things or my life would be taking a serious turn for the worse.  i fully am aware that working on shit that is 36 (almost 37) years in the making is not going to be easy and this is a commitment for the long haul.  but two sessions in and it is way more fucking difficult to face some of this shit than i thought it would be.  turns out that i have been swinging my way to depression and i am much more closer to it than i thought i was.

last year was a year of change and those changes i felt at the time were good changes, which for the most part they were.  however, there are byproducts of those changes that i was not prepared for and it has compounded things.  i left the job that i thought i was going to do for years to come.  a job that was becoming very toxic for me and was harming my health (physically, mentally, and emotionally).  i enjoyed working with most of the clients i had, helping clients facilitate positive changes.  yes, some were not pleasant to work with and others were just a plain pain in the ass, but for the most part i felt like i was making a difference.  with changes that happened and the atmosphere changing, things became toxic there and i had the opportunity to resign and find something else.  a part time job that allows me time to work with the kids and make all of their appointments without missing too much work.  i have looked at it as a good change, even though it was a hard one to make.  what i have forced myself to really look at this last week is how i truly feel about that and it is way more ugly than i want or like.  i feel like i failed.  i went back to school and waited for that job.  and i gave it up.  i forced my family to adjust to a much less income on my part.  the positive is that i do have more time to focus on the kids.  but that's usually not how i tend to look at things.

i am sitting here and the tears are beginning to fall.  the sense of inadequacy is washing over me in waves.  and i am attempting to fight it.  but it is so fucking hard.

at the urging of the therapist, i watched a movie called The Shadow Effect this last week.  and it struck a chord for me.  there is a scene that literally made me freeze and have a choking sensation....a young girl is at a mirror looking at herself with a sweatshirt on.  and she begins to put on another sweatshirt and another and yet another.  each sweatshirt has a word on it and each one represents a mask that she is layering on.  boy, oh boy.  if i fully admit it, that is me.  i have discussed this with J before and talked about the mask of being "happy."  no one can see the pain, no one can see the hurt, no one can seen the joy either ultimately.  the joy has been stifled.  the negativity is weighing me down, it is crushing me.  talking with her and watching that film has encouraged me to really take a deep look at what the hell is going on inside me.  not just my head, not just my heart, but in my gut.  in the deep recesses where i let no one in.  barely even myself.  and what i find is that i believe that i am unworthy.  that i believe i am no one and i have made choices this last year that sabotages my relationships so those who care about me have an excuse to leave me.  it is a deflection of protection because i do not think i am worthy of that person's care or love.  fuck.  that is incredibly painful to write.  but it is the truth.  where does this come from?  it is something i have always done, i can remember feeling guilt over things not in my control for years.  for my entire memory.  i shoulder blame on things that are not my fault.  i feel ashamed of mistakes that i made 15-20 years ago, things that are on no one's radar anymore and are very minute, but i feel horrible about it yet today.  it is a crushing feeling i live with.  and it has crowded out the ability to feel joy on  regular basis, to feel things other than negativity and pain and anger and sadness.  i have to work hard to feel happy.  and that is really sucky thing.  but it what it is.

there is that phrase.  for most of my life, i have told myself that.  it is what it is.  but i have not allowed myself to truly live by that.  this is my discovery this week.  for the last year, i have started to feel anger over things in my childhood.  it sounds ridiculous, but please understand that i have never allowed myself to feel anger, bitterness, or sadness over it.  i have always told myself it is what it is and i cannot change it, so i have to make the best of it.  and by not allowing myself to truly feel whatever i need to about things that happened, i have kind of fucked myself up.  at least that is how i feel.  *gosh, this is the really hard part to write....the crushing panic in my belly is overwhelming.  but i need to get it out.  i must.*  for most people that know me, they know that i was a child of a teenage, unwed mother.  that we struggled for many of the early years.  for those that really know me, they know that i had to grow up at a very early age.  for those that don't know, let me paint the picture.  i am the product of an unwed teenage mom.  and in my early years, we lived with either of my grandparents or moved around a lot.  by the time i was 18, i think we had lived in approximately 18-20 different places.  i attended the same grade school during that time, but that was really the only true stability i had.  my mom never neglected me in the true sense of neglect.  but if i am to truly look at things and accept how i feel, there are times in my childhood that could screw with my sense of who i am.  i knew little about my sperm donor (whom i have mentioned before) growing up.  i was told  a few tidbits here and there, but there were not so great bits of information.  he's a drug abuser and had been in and out of jail.  he came to see me in the hospital after i was born, but that was it.  i was told his name when i was about age 10.  and a few years later, i was told he may have taken advantage of her.  years later, i was told that when things went to court for paternity, he had his friends testify that they all has sex with her too.  and years later, it was sexual assault.   for court, the decision was made by my family to not take things further.  this literally is the gist of what i know.  even as i close into age 37.  i know so very little.  and apparently it has affected me more than i could have ever dreamed of.  that fucker didn't want to have anything to do with me  my biological grandparents didn't want me.  my grandparents & teenage mother chose not to fight for me in court.  (while that certainly may have worked in my favor as i grew up, no visitation, etc, it still fucking hurts).  i was also told that i may have half siblings in the area of his.  i have this other biological piece of me that wanted nothing to do with me.  awesome.  i have always said it doesn't matter and i was better off without him.  but it does matter.  it matters to a little girl who had to grow up being a single parent child in classes of children who have moms & dads.  it matters that there wasn't another set of grandparents to kiss my boo-boo's or see me graduate high school and then college.  it fucking matters to me that they didn't want me.  and it hurts.  terribly.  and i have never expressed that before, to anyone.  i have barely allowed myself to acknowledge it in the deepest part of my soul.

i grew up as my mom grew up.  she was 16 years old when she had me.  a child herself.  and while i cannot hate her for the choices she made, i do finally feel anger over some of them.  those very close to me know that i held her hair while she puked from being drunk, went in the car the next morning searching for her glasses along side the road where she was sick the night before.  was with my grandma often so she could go out.  spent nights at her girlfriend's parents with her girlfriend's daughter while they went and partied.  for the very first years of my life, she had a boyfriend.  and in looking back, he was abusive.  he cheated on her.  but he was the first father figure in my life.  and one night while she was working, he touched me.  and i told her a bit later and she did nothing.  she brushed it away.  and i have always told myself it could have been worse and it was what it was.  but if this year it has bubbled up into one of those things that make me angry.  i don't view myself as a victim, but i am angry that when i was "hurt" she did nothing.  i accept that she may not have known what to do or was too scared, but i am allowing myself to feel beyond pissed about the situation.  that i have had to take care of her growing up.  remembering the time she had surgery when i was in 5/6th grade and i had to be the primary nursemaid, there was an ant colony that invaded our shit-hole apartment and i had to take care of it by myself.  that there were times she would have a male friend over and i would have to go to my room while she was with him.  or the time the guy wouldn't come over so we hopped in the car to pick him up from the bar.  that shit wasn't right.  and i am finally allowing myself to feel all of the feelings from my childhood.  that little girl who was scared and stability was sometimes an issue.  the woman i am today who struggles with control.  because when i am not in control i feel anxious.  but then i realize i'm not really in control anyway and i feel like i am about to lose everything.  and then i feel in my heart that i should lose everything because i'm not worth it.  i am unlovable.

i struggled greatly with perfectionism in high school.  i was very close to developing an eating disorder in my senior year.  i said that i let go of the perfectionist idea, but what i truly did was move it to a different avenue.  i became better at beating myself up privately.  i became a master at the masks. i have put on weight as a protection mechanism and while i have tried to become healthier over the years, i have not been successful because i don't believe i am worth it nor that i can actually do it.  i have sabotaged myself and made excuses.  and i have been afraid of taking a real hard look at why i gained it and why i don't want to lose it.  i have made my persona the 'plump chic who likes to laugh and make jokes" because it is easier to deal with others and what's inside.  laughter is used as a deflection tool for me sometimes.  i do not allow people to get close to me.  even my partner, who i pledged to spend my life with.  i drive him away sometimes, and at the time i am doing it, i am hating myself even more.  i have very few *close* friends.  it is easier for me that way.  while i am more of an introvert and recharge with time by myself, i also know that when i am feeling poorly emotionally, i shut myself down from many outside activities, especially if they are group activities.   even though in the days leading up to it, i want to participate...when the day comes, i just can't.  lately, it's because someone might see through the mask.  emotionally, things are bubbling at the surface for me and if sometime asks me how things are going, i cannot promise that i won't be able to turn on the happy face and say "things are great."  when it comes down to it, that's what people want to hear.  they don't want to hear that one is suffering or frustrated or whatever right now.

i sit here now with no tears, no snot streaming out of my nose, and the feeling of "oh shit, what are you doing" is gone from my gut.  i feel amazing that i wrote this.  that i expressed it.  and this is just the beginning.  i have a shit ton of work ahead of me, but i think i can do it.  i have to, there is no other option as i cannot keep functioning the way i was.

this is the end of the post with no name for now.  but i will be writing more as i make my way through the metamorphosis.  please be kind, please do not take what i have shared and misuse it.  please know that i am not, and have not been, suicidal.  i have kidlets i have to care for and simply cannot imagine leaving them behind.  should things become an issue, i will make the blog private and i don't want to do that.

as i covered with my therapist the first week, there appears to be a great deal many issues i need to work through:  childhood, pregnancy issues, trust & control issues, parenting issues, relationship issues, and whatever else comes bubbling up.  i wrote this post to express myself in what i consider my space and to work on opening up to others.  i am who i am, take it or leave it.  but i really don't want people to leave it.  i already have abandonment issues apparently, let's not add more.  :)   (see, there i go with the jokes cuz this is uncomfortable)

i am going to end each of these with a positive about myself.  and here is tonight's:  while i do not share my heart easily, i am a person with a big heart who is compassionate about those in need, whatever the need may be.

step one

we, or more precisely i, made the decision to have the children officially evaluated for sensory processing disorder (SPD) the other week.  what a squeaky wheel.  called OT and they need a referral from a doctor.  called the pedi and talked with two nurses about said referral and then waited three days to hear back if the pedi would make the referral.  late friday, we got the news she would and now i have been waiting again.  it's wednesday and no news.  so i call the pedi and yes, the referrals were faxed over.  call OT services and yes, they have received the referrals.  however, there is usually a waiting list for OT so she needs to check with the therapist to find out how soon she can get us in.  we'll get a call back when they can schedule us. 

deep breath denise.  in.  out.  in. out.

i need to remind myself we have taken step one.  the referral is done and in the hands of those who need it.  now it's just a waiting game.  and in the meantime, struggling to find new and effective ways to help my kids manage themselves. 

Thank a Teacher Day

on friday, the country again faced a horrible tragedy.  one that left me without words that i could place into coherent sentences.  families will be planning funerals instead of celebrating the holidays.  i, as many are, are left feeling heartbroken for the families, anxious, angry and so much more that simply cannot find its way out at this time.

my heart is with the families of those wee babes.  most of those children are the same age as my youngest and i cannot even image the terror the children felt as well as their parents.  to the teachers and other adults who also lost their lives, you are heroes to many.  teachers have caught a great deal of flack in the last year or two, but those educators did what i would want my children's caretakers to do, they put themselves in the line of fire to stop the violence.  unfortunately, too many lives were lost on friday.  hearts are forever broken.

the families of Sandy Hook Elementary were blessed with wonderful educators that put their own lives first to protect the littles.  and in honor of them, today i am writing to thank the educators in our lives here.  we have been lucky to have the teachers our children have had.  only one comes to mind that i would change.  the others have been patient and kind and understanding.  my children each have their own unique challenges and at times are not easy children.  we struggle as parents some days and wonder how on earth their teacher handles it when that child behaves in that manner amongst a classroom.  we do not thank them enough for their hard work and dedication.  so tomorrow, i will be providing a thank you card to those that i entrust my children to.  to express what they mean to our family and to thank them for their tireless work.

In our rushed world, we rarely have an opportunity to show our appreciation for those who spend 6 hours a day with our children. Those who give of their time and brilliant minds to help our own children to stay safe, comfortable, loved and to help them grow.

On Monday, December 17, 2012, take a moment and thank a teacher. Send her an email, a card, a bouquet of flowers. Create a “thank you” bulletin board. Offer to help from home. Make time to volunteer in the classroom.

Take a few minutes in your day and connect with your favorite teacher, or your child’s teacher. It’s simple; just tell him or her “thank you.”

If you work in media, we ask that you join hundreds of bloggers throughout the US in recognizing Thank a Teacher Day 2012, created in loving memory of those who lost their lives in Newtown, CT, and in honor of the hundreds of thousands of teachers who would do that tomorrow for your child. Join us in posting this image on your website, sharing with your readers and viewers. Please, help us to reach other parents and grandparents to thank those who love your children nearly as much as you do.