Sunday, September 28, 2014

feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

First Days

A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.

It's the first day of school in this neck of the woods and my eldest joined the middle school ranks.  I have never cried at the first day of school.  Daycare, yes, school, no.  This morning, after she boarded the bus and was on her way, I turned toward the house and was overcome with emotion.  My baby girl is growing up.  

We haven't always done right by her and have been working to change that.  We've protected her a bit too much and sometimes that means she doesn't want to do something or believe that she can do something.  We've tried to fix life for her rather than have her figure it out at times.  And to know where she's come from with her anxiety to seeing how bravely she faced her fears today, it simply make me verklempt.  She shared that she was scared for today last evening, but handled herself with grace and courage.  I am so proud of her.  She is so damn amazing.  The line at the top of the post is one I came across today as someone else shared their emotions of of the first day of school.  I read it and was teary-eyed in seconds.  These kids are our ships and yes, sometimes they need the safety of the harbor.  What they need is the freedom to sail while knowing they have a solid foundation (boat) and that safe harbor to come home to.  

This parenting stuff is hard some days.  Some days are fantastic.  Today was a bit of both.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Universe does it again

I signed up for and receive emails from the Universe. I love reading them and there are many times where the daily email fits for the life moment that is happening.  This is today's......

What if that one person in your life right now that you're not feeling so much love for, Denise, was also the one person in your life right now for whom you could make the greatest difference?

Cool?
    The Universe

This hits so close to home right now, it might as well have dropped a house on top of me.  Rather than working at being upset, I need to address my perspective and work to see how I can be of assistance.  This person is struggling and I don't believe wants to look at just how much they are struggling.  This person is suffering and while I don't have the answers on how to exactly help, I know that I can do better to support this person.  I can stop judging, stop being angry with, stop criticizing, and practice more love, more acceptance, and more support.  

I can understand that at first glance, this comes across as a selfish writing.  What I have learned this last year is that I can only control my own side of the street, no one else's street.  I cannot change this person, but I can change how I react and interact with this person.  And in doing so, help us both.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Struggling

I have gotten away from writing again, which saddens me.  However, it is not enough to spur me to actually write.  There are moments when I think, "I need to write about this," but it never comes to fruition. 

I am struggling.  Partnership, professionally, personally.  I feel overwhelmed most of the time and often I just shut down emotionally as a response.  I have been working to allow myself to feel emotions, good and bad and all those inbetween, so shutting down is not a good thing. 

I want to get back into expressing myself, but I have this damn fear I need to work through.  I am so tired of being afraid of shit.  I know that opening myself up and being vulnerable will help, but it's so damn scary to do.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

2013 book list

I fell way behind and didn't capture all the books near the end of the years, but here's for filing purposes. 



1.  The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
2.  Temptation and Surrender by Stephanie Laurens
3.  Covet by J.R. Ward
4.  Crave by J.R. Ward
5.  Envy by J.R. Ward
6.  We Hope You Like This Song by Bree Housley
7.  Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
8.  Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
9.  And Then She Fell by Stephanie Laurens
10.  My Ruthless Prince by Gaelen Foly
11.  Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire
12. Awakened by Brenda Davies
13.  Reinventing Claire by Darian Wilk
14.  Ain't No Sunshine by Leslie DuBois
15.  Autumn's Shadow by Lyn Cote
16.  Lover At Last by J.R. Ward
17. An Unwilling Conquest by Stephanie Laurens
18. Sold by Patricia McCormick
19. Frozen Heat by Richard Castle
20. i'd know you anywhere by Laura Lippman
21. A Change in Altitude by Anita Shreve
22. Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
23.  The Good, The Bad, and the Undead by Kim Harrison
24. Every Which Way But Dead by Kim Harrison
25. What the Duke Desires by Sabrina Jefferies
26. Any Duchess Will Do by Tessa Dare
27. Dance of Seduction by Sabrina Jefferies
28 Switch by Megan Hart
29. After Midnight by Teresa Medeiros
30.  The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey
31. Left for Dead: My Journey Home From Everest by Beck Weathers

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Winter fun day


The kids got ice skates for a gifts this holiday and we headed out to enjoy some evening fun at a nearby park.


It was a blast.  And we discussed snow shoes for future outings.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

appreciation reminder

i was having one of those mornings where nothing seemed to work out in my favor.  i felt frustrated, but not as much as i have in the past, which is a way good thing for me.  i worked to stay positive and it helped.  i had an enjoyable lunch period in which i sat in on a presentation by a speaker that talks about how being an adult and follow these dumb rules kills our fun and laughter.  what he had to say resonated with me greatly.  i headed back to work and learned that a new friend found out she has pancreatic cancer.  she's young and has dealt with a host of medical issues in her young life, and this news is just flattening.  she says she is going to fight like hell and if anyone can, it's her. 

so dear universe, thank you for the reminder to appreciate life and to not take myself to seriously, and to enjoy each stinkin' moment here on earth.  i needed it.  and if i have any pull with you whatsoever, dear universe, please go easy on A.  she is a truly wonderful human being, one that deserves good things to happen to her. 

best,
denise

Monday, October 14, 2013

How My Brain Works 37.1014

This morning the dog comes in from his morning routine and promptly settles in to cleaning himself.  As regularly scheduled, I hear "oh, gross" and "Chewie's cleaning his penis pocket again. Eww!" from the kiddos.  I always catch myself from wanting to call that 'penis pocket' a sheath.  Don't know why.  I have no idea if that is the technical body part name for it or not.  But whenever I think of the word "sheath," I think of this scene from Gladiator.  I can see into the future that I'll be some old grey hair with a male dog, chasing him around yelling "Sheath your sword!"

And that folks, is simply how my brain works.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

N&K, Party II

Highlights from the big day....
















Nikki & Kristin, I am so proud of both of you.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your special day.  I wish you years of love, light, laughter, and joy.  All my love, D

N & K, part I

Two weeks ago, I had the extreme honor of witnessing a commitment of two beautiful people, Nikki & Kristin.  After years together, buying a house, raising a herd of pets, they publicly joined together their love.  Unfortunately, in the state of WI, marriage equality is not official.  However, that did not stop them from having one helluvah "fall shindig!" 

Friday Highlights....










And the big day will be in next post....

Friday, October 4, 2013

2013 Ironman WI highlights

On Sept. 8th, 2013, I witnessed a good pal cross the finish line at Ironman WI.  Something he has worked his ass off for.  To watch his journey has been a gift.  Here are some of the highlights of our day....

One of the most incredible ladies I've had the opportunity to meet, Sep's mom.

And Sep's dad.  Seriously, these two have raised an pretty cool human being.

Some year I am going to come to IMWI and watch the swim start from up here.

Just keep swimming.

Finish line against the capital building

Man on the run.  Sep's starting the 26.2 mile piece of the race.

It's blurry, but it's one of my favorite photos of the day.



Sep, aka "The Beard" and one of his groupies.  Seriously, this beard itched like crazy.

What the participants see as they come to the finish line.

And here he comes!

Seth A., you ARE an Ironman

Thursday, September 26, 2013

underskin volcano

i have a painful under-the-skin pimple volcano starting under my bottom lip. 

that is all.

Monday, September 16, 2013

moving forward one step at a time

i have been struggling lately.  struggling to find the good in each day, to find the best me each day.  i find myself being more negative as a result and it's killing me.  i hate the crap that comes out of my mouth when i am being negative.  as soon as it leaves my lips, i want to kick myself.  but it is one step at a time and i am aware that self-care has not been a priority for me, which seems to result with me being a less than what i to be as a human being. 

i know that i need to get back to things that nurture my soul because without those things, i am lost in a quagmire.  so in a positive self-exercise i started a short list of things that make me happy or feel good inside.  here are the first two and i am working to add more.

  • being outside with my camera
  • jammin' to good tunes and singing my heart out

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

probing


Warning:  may be TMI for some readers
As a young girl, I remember adding up how many times I had had my period.  “Oh my, this is my 7th time having my period!”  “Wow, twenty times I’ve had my period.”  When I was young, I looked at my period as something exciting, that bridge to ‘womanhood,’ whatever that meant at the time.  Twenty-six years later, I have come to loathe that special relative, Aunt Flo.  It amazes me as I look back on how I felt about menstruating over the years:

  • This period business is exciting stuff!
  • Even practicing safe sex, the arrival of the red beast always meant I was not pregnant.  (YAY!)
  • F&*K!  My period showed up.  Meaning I wasn’t pregnant.  (Boo!)
  • Menstruation is a nasty part of a woman’s life.  Men can suck it!
  • Seriously?  Does my fucking uterus hate me?  

It makes me chuckle to recall the excitement, the ups & downs, and even the despised feeling I have now.   So, why the title “Probing?”   It’s something my vagina knows a bit too much about, in my opinion. 

I’ve always had heavy period with major cramping.  About three years ago, I had an IUD put in.  The majority of women with this form of birth control end up not having a period.  Of course, I do not fall in that category.  I have always had my period and within the last year, it has gotten worse.  At this point, I have my period more than I don’t each month.  As in more than half the month I have to wear some form of panty protection.  After talking with the doctor about it again, we decided to have an ultrasound for a look-see.  I’ve had cysts on my ovaries before and who knew what was going on in there.

U/S day:  I drink my 300oz of water, but when I arrive at the appointment I do not have that full feeling in my bladder nor do I have to pee.  So, after the tech begins she stops and has me drink more water.  Fifteen minutes later, my bladder is finally protesting all the liquid and I am getting my outer lady bits pushed on with that lovely gel and rolling probe.  Which always reminds me of roll-on deodorant.  Sorry, off track there for a minute.  I know as she’s whipping through the screen shots that I will most likely be having an internal u/s as well.  And within minutes, she shares that the “outer part of the u/s is done, but she will have to conduct an internal u/s as well.”  Big surprise.   So, I scoot my ass up onto this triangle thing so my vagina and other lady bits are at optimal viewing and  out comes the long white probe at which point I am asked if I want to insert it myself.  Really?  Can I get a few minutes to myself too?  My response is this “I told them at work I was going to get probed.”  Yes, I said that.  And was instantly mortified.  Thankfully, the tech is cool and laughs with me.  The probe is inserted and my parts start to get an up-close and personal viewing.  Then my bladder fills again and I have to use the restroom again.  And have the probe re-inserted.    Finally we finish and I get to head back to the restroom to pee (again).  I love that you are given nothing to wipe yourself with except for the rough paper towel in the bathroom.  I always use the paper sheet they give you as it’s a bit softer.  She walks me out, just showing me enough to get back out of the building.  Kind of like a date that you just gave out to, but in the end all they wanted was for you to put out.  Long story short, they haven’t a clue as to what my uterus’ problem is beyond saying a big “fuck you” to me almost every day of the month.  

After years of begging the doctor to take out my lady bits, we are a step closer.  I will be having an ablation done in October.  That sounds like total fun!  Having my uterine lining burned off is like me telling my uterus to go fuck herself.  

At this point, anytime my life partner wants to bitch about having his prostate checked now that he’s 40, I pretty much tell him to fuck himself too.