tonight i am feeling so damn alone. and my heart is hurting so damn bad. we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons. as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains. how to articulate the feeling is difficult.
so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something. scrubbed the toilet - check. got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check. and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child. this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so. he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all. of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.
i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone. and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write. this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening.