Monday, February 15, 2010

battles

Life with my eldest is sometimes a battle. A battle over the most simple of things. Battles that leave everyone in tears. And I'm so tired of it. I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

This morning it was the simple task of asking her to get dressed. Struggling to get her to listen and then to follow through. Followed by a meltdown because her tights aren't "right" on her foot. Which led to her kicking me in the face (albiet by accident) as I attempted to help her. At which point, I lost my cool and yelled. Now we are both in tears and pissed off at each other. She yelled that she hates me, muttered that she wishes I would go away. And I directed her to her room. She snuck out and took some V-day candy out of the bowl. I told her no and she replied by sticking her tongue out at me. I responded by throwing the candy in the garbage. I refuse to tolerate the sassiness. She screamed and told me she was going to dump the garbage on my head, and that I better watch out cuz she's going to tell her dad.

We could go days without something like this happening and those days are great. And then an "episode", as J & I have termed them privately, occurs. Some days she's set off because we are holding firm on something we told her no to. Others it's a reaction to asking how school was. We know that there is a correlation between times when she is low on food and hasn't eaten for a while and her behavior. Other times we have no clue what is causing her to be set off. During these "episodes" she will scream at us ("I hate you" and "you are a meanie" are her faves), throw things, hit at us or herself, rip apart artwork, and more. And sometimes within 10 minutes she's fine again, sometimes it's an hour.

We know that she is sensitive and has self-esteem issues, thus we are extremely careful about what we say to her. But fuck, it is hard. I feel horrible that there are times that I feel like I don't know who this child is, I hate her behavior, and just simply don't know what to do.

7 comments:

Dawn said...

this sucks, so much of what you wrote are very similar to what G does. It's extremely frustrating for everyone. I have to ask, have you ever consulted anyone for advise? We did talk with a couple pro's, and we have found things that have worked. It helped us to get a different perspective. I got sick of yelling, and he wasn't responding to what we were doing, until we found some things that did help. Now, even though G will still have tantrums, or "episodes" there's ways to simmer them quicker, and with hugs at the end. Sometimes it does helps to...have help, ya know?

It's hard to reach out, however, In the meantime, although it does feel like you're the only one going through this, others have been there, and it can get better. (((hugs!)))

Amy said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I wish I had some advice, but having not yet faced it on my own I'm not sure I have anything to add. I hope that things get better for you soon! (((hugs)))

Lori said...

((((hugs)))) Thinking of you guys. I wish there was just an easy answer. I'm so sorry.

Jamie said...

You are describing me when I was a child. It turned out I had a bad anxiety disorder and major depression. My parents just "dealt with it" until it became unbearable when I was in the 7th grade. I have been on medciation since and still take it to this day. I wish my parents had "fixed" the problem sooner because I really feel it would have changed my self esteem and helped me so much in school. IIRC you were going to take her to someone for an eval. How did that go? I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I am quite open about my struggles and if I can be of any help please let me know. (((HUGS)))

Jen said...

D - Man, I can totally relate...take A's name out of this description and put my Grace in there...twins from a different monther. Frustrating doesn't really begin to cover it. I like to say they are highly sensitive children. Feeling every little thing from the seam on their socks on their feet down to the rawest anger. I don't have any sage advice except to say that you are not alone. ((hugs)) Love from your fellow PE survivor sister...Jen

kara said...

Sensory issues? This sounds like our struggles with Avery. The behavioral comes out of the sensory. Add estrogen to the mix, and it's sometimes unbearable. Feeling your pain sister. We are back in OT.

mumma boo said...

Oh, Denise, I'm sorry you're struggling with this. We love them so much and at the same time can be so frustrated by them. It does sound like there may be some sensory issues involved and even if there aren't, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Sometimes taking a step back can help you find the solution faster. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. (((HUGS)))