Life with my eldest is sometimes a battle. A battle over the most simple of things. Battles that leave everyone in tears. And I'm so tired of it. I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.
This morning it was the simple task of asking her to get dressed. Struggling to get her to listen and then to follow through. Followed by a meltdown because her tights aren't "right" on her foot. Which led to her kicking me in the face (albiet by accident) as I attempted to help her. At which point, I lost my cool and yelled. Now we are both in tears and pissed off at each other. She yelled that she hates me, muttered that she wishes I would go away. And I directed her to her room. She snuck out and took some V-day candy out of the bowl. I told her no and she replied by sticking her tongue out at me. I responded by throwing the candy in the garbage. I refuse to tolerate the sassiness. She screamed and told me she was going to dump the garbage on my head, and that I better watch out cuz she's going to tell her dad.
We could go days without something like this happening and those days are great. And then an "episode", as J & I have termed them privately, occurs. Some days she's set off because we are holding firm on something we told her no to. Others it's a reaction to asking how school was. We know that there is a correlation between times when she is low on food and hasn't eaten for a while and her behavior. Other times we have no clue what is causing her to be set off. During these "episodes" she will scream at us ("I hate you" and "you are a meanie" are her faves), throw things, hit at us or herself, rip apart artwork, and more. And sometimes within 10 minutes she's fine again, sometimes it's an hour.
We know that she is sensitive and has self-esteem issues, thus we are extremely careful about what we say to her. But fuck, it is hard. I feel horrible that there are times that I feel like I don't know who this child is, I hate her behavior, and just simply don't know what to do.