Monday, October 25, 2010

Deep Inside In Heart

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother.  But sometimes, in the deep depth of my really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety.  The summer was pretty smooth sailing.  Now that school has started, things have heated up for her.  And some days it's just almost too much.  It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school.  Too many choices overwhelm her.  Not enough and she gets pissed.  Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her.  And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom.  Did I make her like this?  Am I encouraging it in some way?  Will life ever be easier for her?  To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest.  They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces.  They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times.  They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl.  We see that too, of course.  But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart.  And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.


lizo12 said...

You are an awesome mom. Hugs to you. It has to be hard what you are dealing with, but I am sure you and Jason are doing amazing at helping her through it. Sometimes all we can do is be there for our kids... not make it better or worse. Just be there. And even if we don't think it is, maybe sometimes that's enough.

mumma boo said...

Remember, Denise, you're human! It's ok to admit that it's hard to deal with everything that life has thrown at you and your family. You are an awesome mom and you are doing your best for her, and that's what counts. You don't love her any less, you merely wish that things were different for her. And that's perfectly ok. (((HUGS)))