Monday, October 25, 2010
Deep Inside In Heart
This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother. But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety. The summer was pretty smooth sailing. Now that school has started, things have heated up for her. And some days it's just almost too much. It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school. Too many choices overwhelm her. Not enough and she gets pissed. Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her. And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom. Did I make her like this? Am I encouraging it in some way? Will life ever be easier for her? To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest. They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces. They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times. They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl. We see that too, of course. But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart. And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.