Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Totally and completely sucking

at so many things.  Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on. 

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned.  Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is.  One's struggles make them stronger so many people say.  I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.  

I want(ed) to be a great mom.  And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc.  But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do.  They are my world.  Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband.  And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex.  He is always there for me.  Even if I don't want or need him to be.  Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated.  I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often.  But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else.  He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend.  I have been failing miserably at this for a while.  Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out.  I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls.  I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me.  I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change.  Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work.  I feel good knowing I made a difference.  And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project.  I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work.  I want to respond better to situations.  I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur.  I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do.  I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients.  I want to talk less at work.  To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.  

I want to be a better person.  And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be.  I know it. 


Dawn said...

wow, that really struck a chord w/me. I think most, if not all women feel this way, and probably more often than any of us think. There's not enough time, and we spread ourselves too thin. Are there more good days than bad? If so, then work on finding a balance-and most of all, some time for yourself to regroup or center yourself so you can give your best.
If not, then you may have to let some commitments go...at least for now. There isn't 30 hours in a day, and this I'm learning now as I've had to release some of my time commitments.
As for the friend thing, I have to say that rings true for me as well, and to you, I apologize. In the hustle bustle, I can't remember who I send cards to & recognize friends like I would like to.
That being said, I know we're both awfully busy, but let's try to get together sometime before Christmas if you can, and we can just "hang" and enjoy each others time.

Miss you & love you!
You are a good mom, wife and friend. Don't forget that!

mumma boo said...

Don't be too hard on yourself - look at all you DO accomplish in one day and congratulate yourself for those accomplishments. You are a great mom, wife, friend, employee, volunteer, etc.. And, you're human. Give yourself a pass once in a while. :)