step one

we, or more precisely i, made the decision to have the children officially evaluated for sensory processing disorder (SPD) the other week.  what a squeaky wheel.  called OT and they need a referral from a doctor.  called the pedi and talked with two nurses about said referral and then waited three days to hear back if the pedi would make the referral.  late friday, we got the news she would and now i have been waiting again.  it's wednesday and no news.  so i call the pedi and yes, the referrals were faxed over.  call OT services and yes, they have received the referrals.  however, there is usually a waiting list for OT so she needs to check with the therapist to find out how soon she can get us in.  we'll get a call back when they can schedule us. 

deep breath denise.  in.  out.  in. out.

i need to remind myself we have taken step one.  the referral is done and in the hands of those who need it.  now it's just a waiting game.  and in the meantime, struggling to find new and effective ways to help my kids manage themselves. 

Thank a Teacher Day

on friday, the country again faced a horrible tragedy.  one that left me without words that i could place into coherent sentences.  families will be planning funerals instead of celebrating the holidays.  i, as many are, are left feeling heartbroken for the families, anxious, angry and so much more that simply cannot find its way out at this time.

my heart is with the families of those wee babes.  most of those children are the same age as my youngest and i cannot even image the terror the children felt as well as their parents.  to the teachers and other adults who also lost their lives, you are heroes to many.  teachers have caught a great deal of flack in the last year or two, but those educators did what i would want my children's caretakers to do, they put themselves in the line of fire to stop the violence.  unfortunately, too many lives were lost on friday.  hearts are forever broken.

the families of Sandy Hook Elementary were blessed with wonderful educators that put their own lives first to protect the littles.  and in honor of them, today i am writing to thank the educators in our lives here.  we have been lucky to have the teachers our children have had.  only one comes to mind that i would change.  the others have been patient and kind and understanding.  my children each have their own unique challenges and at times are not easy children.  we struggle as parents some days and wonder how on earth their teacher handles it when that child behaves in that manner amongst a classroom.  we do not thank them enough for their hard work and dedication.  so tomorrow, i will be providing a thank you card to those that i entrust my children to.  to express what they mean to our family and to thank them for their tireless work.

In our rushed world, we rarely have an opportunity to show our appreciation for those who spend 6 hours a day with our children. Those who give of their time and brilliant minds to help our own children to stay safe, comfortable, loved and to help them grow.

On Monday, December 17, 2012, take a moment and thank a teacher. Send her an email, a card, a bouquet of flowers. Create a “thank you” bulletin board. Offer to help from home. Make time to volunteer in the classroom.

Take a few minutes in your day and connect with your favorite teacher, or your child’s teacher. It’s simple; just tell him or her “thank you.”

If you work in media, we ask that you join hundreds of bloggers throughout the US in recognizing Thank a Teacher Day 2012, created in loving memory of those who lost their lives in Newtown, CT, and in honor of the hundreds of thousands of teachers who would do that tomorrow for your child. Join us in posting this image on your website, sharing with your readers and viewers. Please, help us to reach other parents and grandparents to thank those who love your children nearly as much as you do.

Finishing up thankful things....

22.  books.  any version of books.  i live to read and love it.  and my kids love to read as well, which is #23.  :)


24. both of my children's teachers this year are fantastic.  they both help the kids and stay positive even when the kids are having a frustrating day.

25.  access to medical care.  need i say more?

26.  i am thankful for all of the new people i have gotten to know this year.  some of you are more awesome than others (hehe), but each one of you have made an impact on my life.

27.  laughter is key to life and without it i would wither and die.

28.  i am thankful that Extreme Home Makeover is back on for the holidays.  that show can always make me cry and always remind me to be thankful for what i have.

29. today i am thankful for cheese and living in WI where i can have all sorts of cheese.

30.  i am thankful for the opportunities given to me this year in my life.  i have made some changes and some mistakes, but here's to 2013.  it can only get better, right?

a load of thankfulness

soooo, here goes a truck load of thankfulness.  be patient with me.  and read them all, i may sneak a gut-buster in there.  #you never know.


7 - i am really freakin' thankful for my iPhone.  completely rubbish thing to be thankful for, but i just love it.  so very much. 

8 - i unplugged from technology (besides our dvd & tv) for more hours than i expected to this last week.  it was full of awesomeness.  and i didn't miss it. 

9 - tonight i am very thankful for my large hospital mug i got when the boy child was in the hospital in jan.  it holds a fantastic amount of liquids.  could be a mixed drink or could be water, either way i can suck on that baby for a long time.  (did you laugh at that one?)

10 - i am extremely thankful that i am not ill.  my husband, on the other hand, is.  and somehow it is just as painful for me.

11 - we had a very bountiful thanksgiving meal and for that i am thankful.  thankful we could provide that for our family.  thanksgiving has not been a huge deal in my family, but we've carved (ha ha!) out our own little tradition in the last few years.

12 - i am incredibly thankful for friends who can make me laugh.  you know who you are.  the lightheartedness means more to me than you can ever know.

13 - the hubster, even though he is waaaayy annoying today with his illness, i am thankful for him.  we have weathered some really big storms and i know life is not easy with me, thanks for working with me to make this crazy life of ours work the best way for us.  i am not perfect and i make mistakes, but you have stuck by me and i appreciate that.

14 - i adore the movies.  and having gone to the movies twice within one week is spectacular!  the upcoming months will prove to be just as delightful with many movies on my "want-to-see" list.  nothing like the big screen.

15 - tampons are awesome.  i want to give thanks that pads are not part of my monthly attire.  (sorry, guys)  (ladies, you know what i am talking about)

16 - we are heading out on vacation this next week and i am very thankful about many a things about that vacay.  16A:  my dad's delta points getting us airfare  16B:  people watching at Disney, there's simply nothing better   16C:  the holidays at Disney, extra magical    16D:  no work for the week!

17 - my cousin and her partner are having a shindig next fall.  and they asked me to be a part of it.  how freakin' awesome, and i am so thankful for the both of them.  i have always supported marriage equality, however having those two in my life has allowed myself to grow with my support for equality.  i am thankful nikki has found the one and vice versa.  they make each other better people and are just plain fun to be around.

18 - my mom came across my grandfather's wedding band and she gave it to me last week.  while my grandparents divorced shortly after i was born and i do not recall them being together, i am very appreciative of the token.  something to keep on my person, if i wish, that is tangible.  he's been gone for 18 years. 

19 - i have chosen to look at my preeclampsia experience with gratitude.  i have met some amazing individuals as a result of my involvement with the PF and have been involved in some AWEsome things as a result.  i am able to appreciate my life and my children in a way I could never have dreamed of before.

20 - i am weird.  and i like it.  i never imagined being thankful for not usually being the odd person out, but in the last few years (in particular this year) i have embraced this and myself.  if you do not like it or accept me for who i am, that is your issue not mine.  i am a geek who loves star wars and lotr, a nerd who loves to read.  and acceptance is a beautiful thing.

21 - choices, i am so very thankful for choices.  we have the ability to make choices about our lives.  choices that lead us into a different direction, choices that may be the most difficult we ever make, choices on simple things.  not everyone may support those choices, but they are ours to make and ours alone. 

alright, i think that is it for tonight.  my attention span is beginning to wane.

Thankful #6

I am thankful for those in my life that are respectful and non-judgmental (most of the time, cuz admit it we all judge once in while).  I have come across some very offensive facebook posts today with the election and I find it so disturbing that the one person in particular would post such a hateful, disrespectful thing.  I feel very strongly about many things and am thankful that the majority of people in my life are respectful of each others opinions.  I am thankful that I, as a woman, have the right to vote and offer many thanks to those who made that possible. 

Thankful Items 3, 4, and 5

so rather than days, i am going to post my thankful items.  it just works much better with life.

thankful item #3 - i am thankful i can provide for my kids.  as a child who grew up on AFDC (old version of welfare) and didn't figure out others didn't shop at goodwill for their school clothes until about 4th grade, i am so fucking thankful i can provide new, clean clothing for my kids.  that i can purchase ALL of their school supplies, even if it may be painful to the checkbook to do so.  that my kids can attend swim lessons and other activities without worry.  that there is always a christmas or birthday gift, or something just because.

thankful item #4 - i am thankful for my tall-ass hot chocolate from Starbucks on Saturday.

thankful item #5 - i am thankful for a safe environment for myself and my family.  violence is not something my children have to witness between their parents.  while we may not always have our shit together, we always come out on top...together. 

Day 2 Thankfulness

Day 2:  Today, I am thankful for my pal, R.  I was having a complete shit day and while I was at Target, I heard my name called by R.  What a delightful surprise.  R is someone who makes my soul feel at ease the minute I'm with her.  She's a friend that we can just be, there is no pretense, no gossip, no fakeness....we simply enjoy each others company.  Moments of talking non-stop and moments of silence.  And today, having the awesome opportunity to chat with her, much too briefly, turned my day around.  And for that, as well as her, I am so thankful.

Day 1 of 30 Days of Thankfulness

I'm going to continue my reminders to myself to be present and do a thankful item each day of November.  It may not happen daily, but by the end of the month there will be 30 of them.

Day 1:  Today I am thankful for Phoenix.  He is strong-willed, stubborn, imaginative and sometimes out of control, but he is one of the most loving children I know and he gives the best hugs ever.  There are times I curse that child to myself because of a difficult moment, however most of the time at the end of that moment, he is remorseful for his choices and is able to make better decisions.  He is a child who can make me laugh at my darkest times and sooth heartaches.  He loves 150%, everything he does is big.  And I love him and am so thankful for the opportunity to be his mom.

love

forgive me, dear internet.  life hath run away with me again and blogging has not been at the forefront.  i do what i can.

i had a fun time with my cousin and her partner taking some "pitchers" of them.....here are the highlights.

We had so much fun.  They are the most adorable couple and they were so gracious to ask me to take some photos.  I am no professional, but I think I did a decent job at capturing them.  :)   What a privilege to spend time with them.

swim bike run

three days until ironman wi.  and i cannot wait.  i am thrilled to be in attendance again this year and support my pal & all the other athletes.  this year, we know more what to expect and how to be better spectators.  it is going to be an awesome time!

many things

several things rank high on the happy meter today.  it was the first day of school for the halfings and it went well.  no notes home (or phone calls) on the younger halfing and the eldest is super happy that the subjects of math and social studies do not begin until next week.  i have been anxious about the school year for both as they have both had some issues over the summer, but today the school year started off great.  i also worked my schedule to not work today, i got some shopping done, had lunch with J and got some computer work done this afternoon.  it was amazing.

i had the mop on my head lobbed off this morning.  i love my new do' and it feels amazing. 

ironman wi is just days away.  need i say more?  i am excited to get my spectator on!

i just read that over 5000 households are without power in our area this evening after a storm rolled through.  i am very thankful and happy that we are not one of them.  simple, right? 

back to school

it's back to school time tomorrow!  yay!!  i am hopeful, anxious, and excited for the school year to start.  i am looking forward to having them back in a much more steady routine and having some additional time to get shit done at home. 

getting hair cut tomorrow.  i cannot wait!!!

thankful for mostly good health

today i am simply thankful for good health.  yes, i am overweight and not in awesome shape.  but i do not have the worries some do as they wage a battle against cancer or some other health issue. 

anniversary

today is our wedded anniversary.  14 years of wedded bliss.  okay so it's probably more like 12 years of wedded "bliss" and 2 years of "something else" totaling it up.  we have had our ups and downs, and more downs recently, but we have worked together and attempted to stay communicating the best we can.  my partner has his moments (as do i) but we make the best we can out of each day.  what more can you ask for?

fish nickels

yes, i am fully aware i have not posted anything in the last three days.  it's been one heck of a weekend, but focusing on the positive has mostly remained strong.  here are the hilights and the lowlights of the last several days.

• both kids have been diagnosed with adhd and we now have both on medication.  (no judgements, if you want to expound about how i shouldn't put my kids on meds, you can quite frankly go shit yourself.)  kidlet 1 has been on meds for some time and the other will start tomorrow.  and i am really crossing my fingers for some positive reaction for kidlet 2.  he really could use it. 
• i seriously am about crafted out after hitting several projects for J's party this weekend.  but i have some artwork to create yet for the following weekend as i participate in the fun sport of Ironman WI spectatorship.
• i do not really talk about my side business much, but i do just have to post a slight rant.  it will make me feel better.  if you are going to contact a travel agent to book your trip and that person indicates that they will monitor for discounts, you do not need to email that person twice in one day to ask about the discount.  that person has taken care of it but has not had the opportunity to email you yet. 
• a friend found out she has a softball size tumor on her uterus last week and will be heading into surgery near the end of this week.  that sucks.  no other words for it.  hoping with all that i have that it is nothing and the surgery is the end of it for her.
• watching Ironman Louisville last evening (thanks to my IM pal, Sep).  what a freaking amazing experience.  it makes me even more excited for Sept 9th
• i read a fb status today in which a child declared "fish nickels" as an expletive and after a session with the developmental pediatrician this morning and further tweaking a plan for kidlet 2, we were in need of a expletive to say as he has been saying some other choice word.  and our family has now adopted "fish nickels" as our family swear word.  it makes me giggle which is the point.  hopefully it will do the same for him.

between a lack of sleep, a crabby-ass partner, a kid with a motor revved on MAX this week...i am ready either dissolve into laughter or tears.  i keep hoping for laughter.  :)  and so onto the next day i go.

long day

i do not have much energy this evening and not sure why i am feeling so flippin' bushed, but it has been a long day.  and one that i am simply thankful to be breathing. 

that is all.

Crazy kid

hard to find

gratitude and happiness at this exact moment are difficult to find.  earlier today, however, was a different experience.  we spent 4 hours at the pool today, doing absolutely nothing.  it was amazing.  i got some reading done, observed some hairstyle ideas (dying to cut it again), and worked on more color (yes, i know tanning is bad for me).  but it was an awesomely perfect afternoon.

less stress

today's gratitude/happiness snapshot is of my new job.  i love the fact that the biggest stressor of my job is a volunteer who gets territorial about their "job" that they donate their time for.  gone are the days of almost daily stress headaches, feeling beat down on a regular basis, feeling not valued by my management team.  now i am told on a regular basis how happy my supervisor is to have me here and i have freedom to try and do new things or to put an updated spin on an "old" way of doing something.  i have freedom to be myself and not censor myself with management for the most part.  i love it.

mental at the dental

today i am thankful and appreciative of dental insurance.  i had to have a cavity taken care of that i have been putting off for 6+ months.  it is the last tooth on the bottom right side, on the inside of the tooth.  the dentist remarked it was one of the most difficult areas to work on.  once the lower half of my face was feeling three times the normal size and nice & tingly, she set to work.  my throat was partially numb and they had to push my tongue out of the way which resulted in a sensation of my throat being closed off.  i could breathe through my nose and had to stay focused to breath in & out to not freak the heck out.  thankfully she took breaks so i could breath through my mouth and feel as if i was catching my breath.  i am glad it is over and super happy to have dental insurance to help cover the cost of this dental adventure.

positivity

positivity is something i have been lacking for some time.  i thought i was on an upswing with it, but after a few lovely chats with various friends over the last two weeks i was reminded that negativity persists.  and so i am on a mission to post at least one positive thing in my daily life for the next 30 days.  and to keep me on it, i am pledging to donate $1 towards a organization that i do NOT support due to conflicting personal views on a personal issue.  the name of the organization i will keep to myself, but i would dread to make a donation to it.  sounds like such positive talk right?  well, it is going to provide some additional motivation.

i am struggling to remain positive throughout the day and avoid letting the little things get to me.  i am tired of whining/complaining and wish to be more gracious for the awesome things i do have in my life. i started a happiness (i just typed happenis and corrected it, not sure where that falls in my positive thoughts today)before and will pick it back up again.

today i am grateful for the following things:  a roof over my head, children who are magical and believe in magic, the internet, and seeing bright stars all weekend.

Olympics

through the eyes of a child

Joining a fellow blogger over at Average Moms Wear Capes with her Foto Friday.  These are all photos taken by one of my children when they snagged the point & shoot when I wasn't looking.  I always chuckle as most of their photos are blurred as they have difficulty waiting the two seconds for the photo to actually take before they are onto the next thing.  And I always love to see what they find interesting enough to photograph.

all out 80's craziness

My husband turns the big 4-0 this year and what better way to celebrate than throwing him an 80's birthday party!  Plans are in place for an awesome shindig, but since he occasionally visits here, I can't share them right now.  But I can't freakin' wait to see it all come together and watch folks have fun!

all out craziness

Love Who You Want

A friend posted this today and it touched me deeply:  It Could Happen To You 
As someone who has people I love who are gay, Shane and Tom's story struck a chord.  There are family members in their lives who do not support their "lifestyle" and they unfortunately act like asshats to them.  I cannot fathom how one cannot be happy for a loved one who has found love and is loved in return.

Fear and Change

*note - this post is not for the faint of heart.*

Things became clearer this evening and although I am not at the peak yet, I'm ready (and scared shitless) to lay it all out there.  A friend shared with me a quote she heard the other day, "Be honest with yourself why you really eat."  And the being honest part is the total rub.  I can tell you that I eat because 1. I'm hungry  2. I'm an emotional eater 3. Because I'm bored.  Since I heard that phrase, it's been turning over and over inside my head.  And tonight as I watched another episode of EM: Weight Loss Edition and several themes in that young lady's life ran parallel to mine, the phrase kept repeating.  I have been trying very hard to not eat in the evenings as that is my "snacky" time.  But tonight I became edgy and ran upstairs to get some chips & dip.  I munched for about 5 minutes and felt sick to my stomach as I truthfully faced what emotions were really coursing through my body.  I took the snacks back upstairs and came back down.  And I cried.  I watched this young woman face the self doubt and loathing that I feel deep inside that I try hard not to let out.  I saw this beautiful child face the pain of having to be the grown-up in a parent/child relationship and it hit home for me.  A daughter with an absent father and as she tried to accept the less than perfect life and parent/child relationship, I watched as she took control of her life and accepted that she cannot change him and it is okay to not have a close relationship.  I saw a girl who had turned to food to comfort herself, to drown her feelings, and to create this self protective cocoon around herself by being 'big.'  I saw so much of myself.  And for the first time I accepted and welcomed the flood of emotions.  I didn't just stuff them.  And it fucking scares me to death.

I get that we all have our lot in life and we all deal with it how we deal with it.  I've always felt as if I do an okay job of dealing with it.  Except if I'm being honest with myself (and since that is the name of the game for this post), I am a stuffer.  I stuff the emotions and put on the happy face.  I do not want others to see what I am feeling or fearing.  And at times it has made me feel as if I am void inside.  True joy and happiness has not been felt on a regular basis.

I have always accepted the fact that my sperm donor is a piece of shit.  I knew from little on that my biological father did not want to be a part of my life and it was better off that way.  I know he was into drugs and that I have several half siblings in this world through him.  It never really bothered me much as a child, to be honest.  It was just how my life was.  I remember a time where my cousins and I had our photos taken and when the newspaper guy asked for our parents names, my cousin replied that I didn't have a dad.  It is my earliest memory where I can recall feeling that perhaps my life was "different."  My dad (step-dad) came into our lives when I was 11 and it changed our lives.  However because of my age and where I was at, I really did not become comfortable calling him my dad until I was an adult, and didn't do so in his presence until the last few years.  There have been times over the years that I have felt resentful that my sperm donor chose to be a douchebag.  I do not feel a huge loss (that I can tell) not having him in my life.  It does feel awkward that I have this other biological family in the area and as far as I know, they are just fine with ignoring the result of a night in which their son got his teenage girlfriend drunk and pregnant.  What I do have issues with is the information that has come my way throughout the years.  I was around 10/12yo when I learned what his name was.  Years later, I was told that when my grandparents attempted to take him to court for child support/etc, things came out in court that cause(d) my mom to have her own issues.  My grandparents apparently dropped the court thing after that.  And that makes me angry.  I can understand why they did it.  I can say I'm happy I did not have to be one of those kids who had to shuffle back and forth, but it still makes me angry.  And over time, I've just accepted that it's okay to be angry about it.  There are several other childhood issues that make me angry or sad.  Things that I think I have worked to accept, but also accepted that I can feel angry about them.  None of those things have ever been whispered to my mother.  I just cannot do it. 


I have made choices in my life that are not for everyone.  That is the beauty of choice, isn't it.  I grew up with a strong perfectionist mindset and while I do not display that outwardly in my daily life, if I am being 100% honest, it still has a hold of me.  I do not feel worthy.  I have chosen to take comfort in food and wrapping myself in a layer of fat, knowing that I do not like the way I look, but so fucking scared to take down the walls.  They are there to keep people away.  There is a reason I don't allow people to get too close to me.  I am working on loving myself, but the positive self talk is a struggle most times.  Allowing others to love me.  Boy, that is tough at times.  It makes me uncomfortable to have the praise of others, even though I'm striving to do almost everything they want me to do or expect me to do.  Learning to accept that I am who I am and if someone does not like me or my choices, tough shit for them.  If they cannot accept me, it truly is there loss.  I have positive things to give others.  I know it in my heart.  And letting the real me shine through and taking pride in myself has allowed me to become a stronger woman.  A woman who is accepting and proud of her convictions (most of the time).

There are so many things I want to say and I never say them.  The reasons for not saying them are usually because I do not want to bring pain or sadness to another, yet I have no problem shouldering the experience myself.  There have been so many blog posts I've wanted to write but didn't because I was too scared.  Scared that I might offend someone or that someone close to me might think less of me after reading something.  Self censorship seemed easier.  But stifling oneself is a tragedy.  And it's one that I can no longer live with.  I can say (with some trepidation) that if you do not like what I have to say, then don't read.  I don't write for others, I'm writing for myself.  Something I have not done for a long, long time. In the last year, I have really been struggling to discover who I truly am and what makes me happy.  And in that process, it is difficult to be truthful that perhaps things are not the way you planned them to be.   To question what one can change and what one can accept in your life.  To know that outcomes of changes can have large impacts on those around you. 

It is time.  Time for me to take charge of my life and make it be everything I want and more.  To allow myself to feel without stuffing my face.  It is okay that I am scared to lose weight and be healthier, but that does not mean that I allow the fear to become failure.  That it is not impossible to commit to myself and my health.  Change is some scary shit, but it is so powerful and necessary at times.  In EM:WLE, Chris talks about how the year long process is a transformation.  And each episode I have watched has been awe-inspiring.  However, tonight's show took it to a whole new level for me and for that I am thankful.

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be.   Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. 

And now is right on time.”  ~Asha Tyson

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke

what is it i'm really feeling?

i am at a point in my life where i attempting to feel more content, but when i do a self check-in during the day i find myself feeling discontented.  and i hate it.  so i have been trying to make peace with where my life choices have led me, accept things the way they are and change the items i can change.  i know when i feel discontented i isolate and that is probably not the best thing, but i tend to hibernate as i attempt to figure shit out.  acceptance is my life lesson this summer and something i have tended to stumble with in recent years.  i am at a moment where i am also reviewing if things are the way i'd like them to be with my life and what i can possibly do to change them.

something i have really striven to do is to take moments of time and appreciate them more.   i have tried so fucking hard to lighten up and just be crazy and live in the moment, even if that means yelling "vagina" at the top of my lungs in movie theater parking lot with great friends.  not taking things in my life for granted and loving the things i have fully is also on the to do list.  and i know the list will not be accomplished overnight.  but it's there and it's something i will endeavor to work on each day.

i'll leave you with this awesome photo i saw posted on fb the other day.... (not sure of the original poster of this photo, but whoever you are....THANK YOU)

friends

my kids are in the pool with some "friends" and they are driving me batty!  they are brothers and the oldest one is in A's class.  he was over quite a bit at the start of last summer and we ultimately had to put a quash on him coming over as he was very inappropriate at times.  he seems to be better this summer, so while we are allowing him over to play, we have made the decision to provide adult supervision at all times.  which leads me to today.

the boys came over with their swim trunks and asking to play with A in the pool.  A didn't want to play, but P did.  A eventually head out.  the boys are so freakin rough and loud.  i thought my kids were loud, but fuck, they have nothing on these two.  they are not rough on my kids, but with each other.  however every time they are over, my kids (in particular P) ramp up their behavior.  and it never ends well.  i've been counting down the minutes and the one does not want to get out of the pool.  (insert rolling eyes here)  it has taken me 2 minutes to strongly encourage him to get out and get ready to leave.

this afternoon is a good reminder to limit time with these two boys.  they are not allowed over when gma is here alone with the kids and they are only allowed to play for 30 minutes or so.  no more than one hour for sure.  and i think i need to schedule some other play dates where some other friends come over.


........only two more minutes with them.

ETA:  it took me 11 minutes to be rid of them.

new(er) adventures

it's been almost one months since i left "the job" and i can honestly say my stress level has dramatically decreased.  i still have stress, but not in the way i had it before.  i am still attempting to navigate the new adventures my life have and that will take a bit, i'm thinking.  the new job is interesting, but not exactly going as i thought it would.  not that it's bad, i guess i didn't really know what to expect.  i'm giving myself some time to adjust and get things rolling prior to making any judgements on life.  ;)  hoping to have more time for blogging, cleaning/completing projects, etc in the coming weeks and months.

Photog time

Conviction

"A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble." ~ Gandhi

that was hot

have you ever had a dream about a co-worker?  you know the kind i'm talking about.  not the 'hanging out shopping together' or a work related dream.  the 'holy shit, that was hot' kind of dream.  i admit i have had a dream in which a coworker kissed my neck the other year and that was quite embarrassing because he can be an odd duck.  but the dream i had last evening, wow.  that was hot.  i woke up thinking 'what the hell was that' and could not look him in the eye today without feeling like i was turning tomato red in the face.  i think it stemmed from the end of the Castle finale on monday night as that is almost how it started out.  if my dream is even half true for this guy, his partner is one luck lady.  ;)

2012 Promise Walk

Our family will be participating in the Neenah Promise Walk this year and have decided to do so with a pirate theme!  Should be fun!

positives

Free Disney Tickers


Free Disney Tickers

just my luck

the old external hard drive finally died.  and we had yet to purchase and copy over files to a new one.  eight years of data is gone.  j called a local store and it sounds like they would have to send it in for a minimum of $250.  yikes.  i have a few years on cd that we can copy over, but the last several were all just uploaded to a photo site.  now we are looking at how to handle our photo/video/file storage in the future.

and we bought a new external hard drive this afternoon.

Where to begin

Oh, where to begin.  I guess a quick update from my last post is a good place to start.  I have given my notice at my FT job and will be ending my time there at the end of May.  It is very bittersweet to come to this as I thought that was the job I would be working until it was retirement time.  However, it just isn't meant to be.  The stress of the job is changing me and I cannot allow that to continue to happen.  I could go on and on, but am choosing not to dwell. 

I will begin my next adventure after we get back from vacation in June.  I will be working for a prior place of employment, an abuse shelter; working with their volunteer program.  I am excited at this opportunity and think it is a great fit for me and me for it.  The hours are part time which leads me to having more time for the rest of life.

And the rest of life....the kids are winding down the school year and hopefully we are getting things squared away with their "extra needs."  After having some struggles with school and other areas, Ari was tested for ADHD.  In discussing it with her doctor, we thought we'd give meds a try in addition to the therapy she is doing now.  In the last 6 weeks, she is a different kid when it comes to homework.  There are days she is even finishing everything at school, which was unheard of before.  We are going to start weaning her off the anxiety meds and are hoping the anxiety is a by product of the ADHD.  We will see.  Ari's been attending weekly sessions with a therapist, which while she likes to go, she also hates going.  Miss Katie is very open with Ari in telling her that if she works hard to achieve the goals we have set forth in her treatment plan, then she can stop the sessions. 

Phoenix is doing alright.  He had some hiccups after this tonsil & adenoid surgery, but we made it through that.  We had improved sleep with him for about a month afterwards but it is now back to shit sleep and night terrors.  He has an appointment with a behavioral pediatrician to see what she can do to help us.  She's thinking possibly another sleep study....awesome. 

Lots of yelling has been occurring in our home.  It drives me absolutely frickin' insane.  I am hoping that once I change jobs things will settle in and I can assist the kids where/when they need it and have the house running a bit more smoothly.  Life is a work in progress.  That is my life lesson I am attempting to remember daily this year.  Things have not been the greatest and I am trying to hold onto the good things. 

catching up

it has certainly been awhile since i have posted.  sorry about that.  life has been life and i continue to not take time to write.  i have sat down to write this post a number of times in the last two weeks and finally here it is.  i am meeting with my old supervisor tomorrow to discuss a job opening they have.  my current employment has become a torture and i have discovered that it is causing me to change as a person.  and i am not okay with the changes.  the job itself i can do, but the micromanagement and mismanagement i can no longer stand.  each day as i awake to the buzzing of the alarm, i have to give myself a pep talk to actually go to work.  and when i round the corner to the office, i am filled with dread.  i adore most of the people i work with and count many of them as friends.  however friends can only do so much throughout the day and now that i was warned against socializing last week, i have taken the passive-aggressive stance of working with my office door closed.  of course, the fucking windows they cut into our doors last year make it so anyone can still look in. 

it all boils down to money in reality.  do i keep working a job that i have come to loathe for the paycheck and the comfortableness we have at the moment or do i take the part time job at a prior place of employment making half the wage i make currently.  there are pros and cons like any situation and that is what has been weighing on my mind.  do i resign and hope to reclaim myself knowing that money cannot buy happiness?  that leads to less stress for me, however the hubs will probably stress out more due to lack of extra fundage.  the opportunity to work PT would allow me to build up my travel business more and volunteer at the kids school.  but it also takes away the new camper next year or any large vacations in the coming years.   i know that we would make it financially, we would have to readjust our spending of course, which is not a bad idea altogether anyway.  less money = less stuff, right?

it is scary to think of making a change like this.  but i know have come to appreciate life in a different manner this year.  we can work and work and work to buy and buy, but things do not make a life.  spending time together and doing quality things together makes a life.  i am nervous to pass up the PT opportunity that is available at this time, knowing i would enjoy the job and a similar opportunity may not be available later.  quite honestly, i am scared shitless to make this decision.  but i know what i am doing right now is not healthy for me.  it is unhealthy for my heart and soul, and ultimately that is why i need to make a change.

Lovin' on my iPod Touch

pupster

Chewbacca, 5 months

Chewbacca, 4 months old

Makes getting a dog priceless

Chewie has been a member of the household for two months now.  It's been an interesting two months with the whole puppy thing, but the pick w/ Ari above totally makes it worth it.   He's a fantastic pooch.

Celebrate

I am no longer of the minivan mom league.  YES!!!  Bessie was awesome to us for the 6 years we had her, but her time had come.  It was bittersweet to say goodbye, lots of good memories.  But now we've got a newer vehicle to help us with our travels.  It just needs a name.....

2011 Book Challenge Recap

This was my third attempt at finishing 52 books within the year.   Didn't quite make it in 2011, but I'm hoping to get beyond 52 in 2012!


Here is a recap of this last year's reading pleasures......

2011 Book List:

1. Born in Death by JD Robb
2. The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan
3. Awakened by PC Cast & Kristin Cast
4. Zuzu's Petals by Lauren Ward Larsen
5. Naked in Death by JD Robb
6. Glory in Death by JD Robb
7. Immortal in Death by JD Robb
8. Promises in Death by JD Robb
9. Origin in Death by JD Robb
10. Fantasy in Death by JD Robb
11. Reunion in Death by JD Robb
12. Holiday in Death by JD Robb
13. Loyalty in Death by JD Robb
14. Ceremony in Death by JD Robb
15. Conspiracy in Death by JD Robb
16. Witness in Death by JD Robb
17. Treachery in Death by JD Robb
18. Creation in Death by JD Robb
19. Purity in Death by JD Robb
20. Memory in Death by JD Robb
21. Visions in Death by JD Robb
22. Kindred in Death by JD Robb
23. Divided in Death by JD Robb
24. Vengeance in Death by JD Robb
25. Survivor in Death by JD Robb
26. Innocent in Death by JD Robb
27. Betrayal in Death by JD Robb
28. Judgement in Death by JD Robb
29. Indulgence in Death by JD Robb
30. Imitation in Death by JD Robb
31. Portrait in Death by JD Robb
32. Seduction in Death by JD Robb
33. Three in Death by JD Robb
34. Strangers in Death by JD Robb
35. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling
36. A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard
37. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
38. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
39. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
40. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins 
41. Destined by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast 
42. Sing Me Home by Jodi Piccoult
43. Cut by Patricia McCormick
44. Viscount Breckenridge to the Rescue by Stephanie Laurens
45. In Pursuit of Eliza Cynster by Stephanie Laurens

rough week

The boy child had his tonsils & adenoid out last week.  And it has been a rough go of it since.  Ended up in the ER the same evening for a post-tonsil surgery bleed that cleared up by the time we made it to the ER (of course).  Then over the weekend, he continued his protest against fluids and food so back to the ER it was yesterday.  And he ended up being admitted until he could maintain his own hydration.  Which took place this morning.  Hooray! 

I admit I am pretty cool when it comes to my kids have surgery.  They have each been under before so I do not really get nervous.  But the worry this child caused over the last week has rung me out.  He is so damn stubborn.  (Hmmm, where does he get that from, I wonder?)  He looked so frail and scared yesterday, it took everything in me to not burst into worrisome tears.

But we survived, thankfully.  The most awesome part of all this is that he is already sleeping better! 

the new year

i know most everyone makes some sort of promise to themselves for the new year and even though i find it slightly corny....i cannot help it.   i must do it.

i hope 2012 brings:

• peace to our household
• sleep, as in uninterrupted sleep
• shedding of my of my fat arse, my preggo belly and firming up the jiggly arms
• less yelling and more loving for our family
• continued and growing friendships
• getting even closer to being debt-free (hell yeah!)
• falling in love with my partner all over again
• lots of funny jokes with gut busting laughter
• lots of changes at work, although i'm not too hopeful for this one
• a smashing birthday party for the hubs as he turns the big 4-0
• witnessing a dear friend reach one of his goals
• two fantastic vacations with family

i guess i should stop now, huh?  don't want to be over the top, but i'm hoping more means at least a few occur in spectacular fashion.  ;)