Sunday, July 8, 2012

Fear and Change

*note - this post is not for the faint of heart.*

Things became clearer this evening and although I am not at the peak yet, I'm ready (and scared shitless) to lay it all out there.  A friend shared with me a quote she heard the other day, "Be honest with yourself why you really eat."  And the being honest part is the total rub.  I can tell you that I eat because 1. I'm hungry  2. I'm an emotional eater 3. Because I'm bored.  Since I heard that phrase, it's been turning over and over inside my head.  And tonight as I watched another episode of EM: Weight Loss Edition and several themes in that young lady's life ran parallel to mine, the phrase kept repeating.  I have been trying very hard to not eat in the evenings as that is my "snacky" time.  But tonight I became edgy and ran upstairs to get some chips & dip.  I munched for about 5 minutes and felt sick to my stomach as I truthfully faced what emotions were really coursing through my body.  I took the snacks back upstairs and came back down.  And I cried.  I watched this young woman face the self doubt and loathing that I feel deep inside that I try hard not to let out.  I saw this beautiful child face the pain of having to be the grown-up in a parent/child relationship and it hit home for me.  A daughter with an absent father and as she tried to accept the less than perfect life and parent/child relationship, I watched as she took control of her life and accepted that she cannot change him and it is okay to not have a close relationship.  I saw a girl who had turned to food to comfort herself, to drown her feelings, and to create this self protective cocoon around herself by being 'big.'  I saw so much of myself.  And for the first time I accepted and welcomed the flood of emotions.  I didn't just stuff them.  And it fucking scares me to death.

I get that we all have our lot in life and we all deal with it how we deal with it.  I've always felt as if I do an okay job of dealing with it.  Except if I'm being honest with myself (and since that is the name of the game for this post), I am a stuffer.  I stuff the emotions and put on the happy face.  I do not want others to see what I am feeling or fearing.  And at times it has made me feel as if I am void inside.  True joy and happiness has not been felt on a regular basis.

I have always accepted the fact that my sperm donor is a piece of shit.  I knew from little on that my biological father did not want to be a part of my life and it was better off that way.  I know he was into drugs and that I have several half siblings in this world through him.  It never really bothered me much as a child, to be honest.  It was just how my life was.  I remember a time where my cousins and I had our photos taken and when the newspaper guy asked for our parents names, my cousin replied that I didn't have a dad.  It is my earliest memory where I can recall feeling that perhaps my life was "different."  My dad (step-dad) came into our lives when I was 11 and it changed our lives.  However because of my age and where I was at, I really did not become comfortable calling him my dad until I was an adult, and didn't do so in his presence until the last few years.  There have been times over the years that I have felt resentful that my sperm donor chose to be a douchebag.  I do not feel a huge loss (that I can tell) not having him in my life.  It does feel awkward that I have this other biological family in the area and as far as I know, they are just fine with ignoring the result of a night in which their son got his teenage girlfriend drunk and pregnant.  What I do have issues with is the information that has come my way throughout the years.  I was around 10/12yo when I learned what his name was.  Years later, I was told that when my grandparents attempted to take him to court for child support/etc, things came out in court that cause(d) my mom to have her own issues.  My grandparents apparently dropped the court thing after that.  And that makes me angry.  I can understand why they did it.  I can say I'm happy I did not have to be one of those kids who had to shuffle back and forth, but it still makes me angry.  And over time, I've just accepted that it's okay to be angry about it.  There are several other childhood issues that make me angry or sad.  Things that I think I have worked to accept, but also accepted that I can feel angry about them.  None of those things have ever been whispered to my mother.  I just cannot do it. 

I have made choices in my life that are not for everyone.  That is the beauty of choice, isn't it.  I grew up with a strong perfectionist mindset and while I do not display that outwardly in my daily life, if I am being 100% honest, it still has a hold of me.  I do not feel worthy.  I have chosen to take comfort in food and wrapping myself in a layer of fat, knowing that I do not like the way I look, but so fucking scared to take down the walls.  They are there to keep people away.  There is a reason I don't allow people to get too close to me.  I am working on loving myself, but the positive self talk is a struggle most times.  Allowing others to love me.  Boy, that is tough at times.  It makes me uncomfortable to have the praise of others, even though I'm striving to do almost everything they want me to do or expect me to do.  Learning to accept that I am who I am and if someone does not like me or my choices, tough shit for them.  If they cannot accept me, it truly is there loss.  I have positive things to give others.  I know it in my heart.  And letting the real me shine through and taking pride in myself has allowed me to become a stronger woman.  A woman who is accepting and proud of her convictions (most of the time).

There are so many things I want to say and I never say them.  The reasons for not saying them are usually because I do not want to bring pain or sadness to another, yet I have no problem shouldering the experience myself.  There have been so many blog posts I've wanted to write but didn't because I was too scared.  Scared that I might offend someone or that someone close to me might think less of me after reading something.  Self censorship seemed easier.  But stifling oneself is a tragedy.  And it's one that I can no longer live with.  I can say (with some trepidation) that if you do not like what I have to say, then don't read.  I don't write for others, I'm writing for myself.  Something I have not done for a long, long time. In the last year, I have really been struggling to discover who I truly am and what makes me happy.  And in that process, it is difficult to be truthful that perhaps things are not the way you planned them to be.   To question what one can change and what one can accept in your life.  To know that outcomes of changes can have large impacts on those around you. 

It is time.  Time for me to take charge of my life and make it be everything I want and more.  To allow myself to feel without stuffing my face.  It is okay that I am scared to lose weight and be healthier, but that does not mean that I allow the fear to become failure.  That it is not impossible to commit to myself and my health.  Change is some scary shit, but it is so powerful and necessary at times.  In EM:WLE, Chris talks about how the year long process is a transformation.  And each episode I have watched has been awe-inspiring.  However, tonight's show took it to a whole new level for me and for that I am thankful.

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be.   Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. 
And now is right on time.”  ~Asha Tyson

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke

1 comment:

Dawn said...

wow! kudos to you for recognizing your truth and giving yourself a voice to speak (write) it and be true to yourself.

Life isn't easy, and sometimes the best rewards come from the toughest challenges. You can do whatever you set your mind to.

I believe everything is a process and there's reasons for everything we go through.