confusion, activism, relaxation, and more. oh my

I didn't feel well this morning, so I called in sick.  It's turned into a mental health wellness day as well.  I finished a delightful, "fluff" book this morning and decided to indulge in a documentary.  One yesterday and one today.  This morning, I watched Pink Ribbons, Inc.  I had told myself I'd relax until noon before showering and then doing some stuff while remaining relaxed.  Then I watched a show that addressed the commercialism of the breast cancer campaign.  I have had some feelings about said campaigns over the recent years, but have felt it was not something I should share as I have family & friends are are large supporters.

I thought the film was done well.  It was thought provoking, informational, and resourceful for me personally.  I took some notes and it got me thinking.  (Remember, that piece above where I shared I was intending to relax today?  Well, I don't do 'nothing' very well.)

• The "survivor" status.  Yes, I think individuals should be celebrating their living through cancer.  However, I am uncomfortable with the "survivor" message sent by the breast cancer awareness machines.  This is two-fold with the term "battle" as used in this situation.  Whether intentional or unintentionally, well-minded people talk about how this person "lost the battle" or "won her battle" with cancer.  What does that mean about those who die from cancer?  They weren't strong enough?  They weren't good enough?  Brave enough? I could go on and on.  
• Charlotte Haley is a woman who designed cards with salmon-colored ribbon on them to promote and encourage individuals to contact their government officials to request that more money be granted for cancer prevention.  Long story short,  Mrs. Haley didn't jump on board and the machine chose a different color.  I share this because Mrs. Haley was concerned with the commercialism of those involved.  And this story leads to one of my concerns and it is discussed in this film.  I admit I have purchased "pink" products.  I have thought to myself, it's better to purchase the pink item rather than the non-pink item because some money is going towards the cause.  That shit ended for me within the last 1-2 years.  Why should I buy a $20 water bottle in which only $1 is gifted to a breast cancer group?  So "I" can feel good?  So, I can show others how supportive of whatever group the piddly $1 went to?  Bullshit.  I'd rather give the entire $20 to an organization.

• Where does my money go?  As a donator and a volunteer for a non-profit, this is important to me.  I have made a stand to not donate to organizations who don't support the values and beliefs I have.  Okay, maybe 1-2 slip through because I want to support a friend's kid or something a friend is doing.  However, there are a few hot button issues I have firmly come to stand for....equal rights for all and a woman's ability to choose.  You may not agree with me and that's okay.  It's my money and not yours that I am deciding to spend.  :)  I don't support the Komen Foundation for remarks made by their leadership.  And that's okay.  I still support breast cancer research and support services, I just do it through a different avenue.  I am aware of a large tax exempt organization that has a legal team at it's ready to sue start-up non-profits if their tagline, logo, or whatever is too similar or is possibly infringing on their "copyright."  Who the fuck owns the pink ribbon anyway?  Who gives a shit?  Thanks for spending donor money to be assholes to another cause.  

• They discuss in the film about how little money is being aimed at cancer prevention.  If we aren't tackling what causes cancer and how to prevent it, how can we 'cure' it?  Are there multiple researchers working on the same thing?  Is someone doing a project that has already been done?  How can I look at all the research for myself and make sense of it?  
•  Who is sitting on the boards of these large machines?  Pharma companies who stand to benefit from treatment drugs?  Companies whose products have a correlation to cancer, even possibly causing cancer?  How does an organization realistically fund a research project on the effects of pesticides if a board member's company owns a pesticide company? 

• Why pink?  Pink is supposedly a 'feminine' color.  What does our society think pink represents?  I personally think of softness, comfort (in particular with the pastel-ly pink) and a "girl power" way for the hot pink, but in a middle school kind-of-way.  No color represents the experience of cancer.  I get that there has to be a color(s) for a campaign, but the pervasive nature of the pink campaign for breast cancer makes me want to vomit.  
•  Sometimes the message of positivity is too much.  Cancer fucking sucks.  Living with cancer, experiencing life with cancer is not easy or pretty.  I don't feel that individuals are not given the freedom to be angry.  Those affected by cancer are "supposed" to remain optimistic and not think of the worst.  How alone an individual may feel at times going through the journey of cancer?  Support means supporting people at the times of most desperate need, acknowledging the hurt and the anger, the good and the bad, meeting them where they are at.  

I stepped away in the middle of this post for a few hours and have returned, so some of my angry steam has flowed away.  :)  What I want to end with is what I took away from this documentary.  I am angry that these groups are not working with environmental groups.  The toxins we are injesting via pesticides, plastic, etc have to be having an effect on our bodies.  I am frustrated that our government by in large refuses to acknowledge we are poisoning ourselves and this earth, that they allow a company like the big M and their fucking soybeans to keep steamrolling our farmers and our citizens.  I am beyond pissed that our government can't get their shit together enough to look at legislating chemical companies and what potential dangers there may be, but wants to control my fucking reproductive system.  I learned today that there is a website that I can go to to learn about the beauty products I use (however, little that may be) or the sunscreen I put on myself & my kids and read a review of how safe that product is.  I found a website that I can read some research pieces on.  I was inspired that I can make changes in my own life to feel better about the products I use, the organizations I support, and learn more in general about breast cancer & the research being done on it. 

I sat there and applied it to my volunteer work and the walk I just coordinated this weekend.  How can I change the way I speak about preeclampsia.  What message do I send when I ask for support in the fight against preeclampsia.  Now, I recognize that preeclampsia and breast cancer are two different health situation.  But there were things I felt I could apply.  Being sure to honor those who are here after their preeclampsia experience as well as those who are not.  I can be better at sharing what research grant $ I fundraise for is actually going for.  I want to talk more about personal advocacy as it is something we don't do in our health care system.  We are taught to listen to the doctor, to not question, may be given grief or even pressured to not have a second opinion.  This weekend I met a woman who I firmly believe would not be here today on earth if she hadn't advocated for herself against a medical team who completely disregarded her, her concerns, and her symptoms.  Five years later, she questions them but not to their face.  I want to highlight how important support is.  Patient support is critical.  Support from others is equally as important. 

I have put together today that the larger picture of women's health and rights are important to me.  Whether it be prenatal care across the glove, sexual education of our young people, breast cancer, domestic violence, or preeclampsia.  Each is separate, but yet connected.  And there is something I can do.  I can continue to write my governmental officials about topics important to me, I can continue to donate to organizations I find worthy, I can discover new organizations I may wish to support, I can change the life of people.  Here or across the globe, I am an agent of change.

I learned that I can add a piece to my "about me" life description.  I am an activist.  For whatever the cause may be, if I believe in it I will do what I can to make a difference, no matter how small. 

nails

I used to have a bit of a problem with nail polish, but it has been years since that was the case.  However, I think I am getting back into the swing of things.....

This is my drawer with the nail goodies.  This is something I have been getting back into that is purely for me.  It puts me in touch with the feminine goddess inside me and allows some expression in a creative manner.  I have been keeping up with my toes most of the time and have been showing some TLC to my nails.  And it's been awesome.  I love it and it makes me happy.  I have struggled with embracing doing things just for me and this is something I can do that is subtle and does not take a great deal of time.

something new

i have been working to find some new things to try and at the same time, receive a positive benefit from. and after much talking with friends and new people i've met, i am giving yoga a try.  okay, let me rephrase..i intend to give yoga a try. 

i had the most wonderful conversation with a really neat lady the other week, she is a yoga instructor and someone i think i could really learn and grow from.  i have a few friends who are really into yoga and one of them has been trying to bring it into the clients we serve at our place of employment. 

i am looking for something that allows me to connect with myself on a deeper and, quite frankly, better level.  Something that has me focusing on breathing, possibly meditation.  i am scared shitless i will not be able to do this for some reason.  completely irrational, i know, but it's something new and slightly intimidating and i am excited to try it.

ps.  everytime i typed yoga, i typed 'yoda' first....must be innate.  :)

living

I know Zach's story has been making the rounds on social media, but I sat and watched his video this evening. Wow.  What an inspiration.

Universe talking

Someone shared with me that one can sign up to receive emails from the Universe.  And I promptly did so and I LURVE them something mucho.  You can enter things you want to "work on" when you sign up and each weekday morning I open my email to find a note from the Universe, which usually makes me smile and/or laugh.

Here is a random sampling from this last week's emails for me....

Everyone's scared, Denise.
Few carry on.
Keep calm,
    The Universe

Sometimes the best way to remain sane, Denise, is to love like crazy.
Works for me,
    The Universe

When you tough it out, hold the line, and stay the course, Denise, I promise you there will soon come a day when you look back over your shoulder, shake your head in dismay, and seriously wonder what all the fuss was about.
Just like all the other times,
    The Universe 

I seriously dig these messages.  They allow me to reaffirm some things I am working on with myself and cause me to think a bit deeper, or to even not think too damn deep.  Some days are spot fucking on for what I am feeling at that moment.  In the couple of months I have been receiving these, there was only one that I went "eh" to and that's pretty cool. 

I am also working to develop my own personal mantra, which is harder than one would think.  This is an exercise I am doing with my counselor and sounds cool & exciting when first talking about it, but is something I'm find much more difficult than I imagined it would be.  Who do I want to be?  Who am I already?  How do I truly see myself?  How do I want to see myself going forward?   Where do I fit in in this Universe?

exhausting

Last night I made the comment that I wish we had video cameras in the house so others can really see what life is life with SPD and anxiety.  In particular, our family.  The boy child's engine was on high ALL NIGHT LONG, no matter what we tried for strategies.  And just when we thought he was coming down and was heading towards bed, he thought he heard a noise in his room.  This led to an hour long battle challenge of working through the "there's a monster in my room" issue. 

Screaming.  Sweating.  Rigid body.  Crying.  Hiding.  Fear.  Talking a mile a minute (although this isn't much different from other daily moments).  Back to terror.  Us looking at each other wondering what the hell set this off and how can we bring him down. 

Eventually we got him calmed down and he started off the night in his own bed.  Whew.  It was one of those anxiety moments that I wish others could witness.  It wouldn't make me feel so alone at times, especially when trying to explain it to family & friends.

tone

sometimes i wish he could hear himself speak and how the message comes across.  to me, to the children.  they get the message loud and clear that they are disrupting his world even without the words.

Promise Walk 2013

For the fourth time, I am playing host to a Promise Walk for Preeclampsia in my city.  As a two-time preeclampsia survivor, I cannot imagine not being involved.  I am coming up on the 10 year mark of my HELLP Syndrome experience and 7 years on my subsequent pregnancy with pregnancy.  And at the end of the year, it will be 10 years since I found the Preeclampsia Foundation.  Without the organization and the women I have met, I fear how things could have gone for me.  The ladies offered support and encouragement when I needed it most.  They were there for me when I was scared during pregnancy #2.  I have been volunteering in various capacities for about 9 years.  I have met some incredible individuals and had the privilege in other women's joys & heartbreaks.  Been inspired and had the opportunity to be involved in some powerful events over the years.  The ashes of what was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life have led me to awesome things in my life.  And for that I am thankful.

UBP 2013

It's been a while since I've participated, but I'm going to again this year. The 5 Minutes for Mom Ultimate Blog Party 2013 began last night and it's a great deal of fun as well as a neat way to meet new blogs (aka people) to read. 

Technically, I'm in the section of "mommy blogger" (even though I loathe that name), but it's where I fit best.  For those stopping by for the first time, HI.  I'm Denise, a thirty-something lady with a husband and two kidlets.  I am a two-time preeclampsia survivor, a lover of books, a listener of music, and a Disney enthusiast.  I am working out some personal issues that are thirty years in the making, which has been interesting to say the least.  We have a few extra needs to deal with with our kidlets (also referred to as "halflings"):  anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder.  Life is good.  I'm breathing and that is one awesome thing.  :)

So, feel free to make yourself comfortable and be sure to say hi before you leave!

December Vacation Recap

Tomorrow will be five months since we departed for our December Disney Vacay and here is a recap because I am in the mood for happy thoughts this afternoon.  :)

The Good:  Visiting WDW during the holiday season.  It's awesome.  One of my favorite times of the year to visit the World.

The WTF:  Two days before we leave, we learn that our airline tickets have been "cancelled" according to Delta.  They said we had cancelled the flights right after my dad made them in early spring 2012.  Raaaa-ight.  I don't think so, check the glitch in your computer.  Panic.  Almost my biggest freak out, evah.  My dad works to get us back in business, but it will be an adventure from the sounds of it.  No assigned seats, no seats from MSP to our local airport so we'll have to drive.  Just get me on vacation!

The Surprise:  The next day, my dad figures out he has enough reward miles that ALL of us can fly FIRST CLASS!  Yes, my loud, energetic kids flew first class.  And they were awesome on the flights!!

The "Oh Shit!":  Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for the airport, Jason asks if I have our annual passes.  Um, nope.  Totally spaced it out.  Went to get them out of the small safe and discover the key is broken off & half of it is left in the safe.  Panic.  Freak out #2.  Thankfully he is able to get the other half of the key lined up and the lock engages & unlocks.  Whew, panic over.  Can we seriously get on this freakin' vacation!

The Good:  Ari being silly.  Enough said.

The Never-Again:  We were lucky enough to um, ahem, enjoy two family vacation in 2012.   I love being able to share WDW with my family, however what I have learned about myself and my immediate family is that we need our space.  Dealing with two kidlets who have some extra needs is demanding enough.  Add in worrying about making sure others are happy and that our kids' issues are not trespassing on them is just too much.  I will gladly vacation at the same time with family again.  However, we will NOT be staying in the same room/villa/whatever again.  It is just too stressful for me.  I have good memories of each of the vacations, but the stress of the vacations is one of my foremost memories for each.  And that's not what I want my vacations to be about.

The Good:  Kids with camera.  They each had some fun and now have added cameras to their wish lists.

The Lesson-Learned:   Vacationing with family is wonderful, however time apart is very important.  I mean, think about it...you live with a partner and love/like that person, but not 100% of the time.  There is probably something they do that is slightly annoying, whatever.  Going on vacation with family and spending 100% of the time together is too much togetherness for my family.  We need breaks from each other to truly enjoy the time spent together.  I tell this to my Disney clients all the time, but it's easier said than done.

 The Odd:  I became oddly fascinated by the theming of the garbage/recycling containers.

The Good:  Favorite Spot at Animal Kingdom.  Prime photo locale I love.

The Regret:  Not taking enough photos of things I wanted to capture.  And that just won't happen unless I get time to myself or perhaps it's just J and I. 

The Bad:  Well, I guess I could say it's a good, but I HATE bird aviaries.  Seriously dislike them.   However, I went through it with my daughter to make her happy.

The Funny:  Getting my dad to try the Beverly at Epcot.  The kids thought it was hilarious!
The Eye-rolling:  my dad wearing a Hooter's shirt at a Disney theme park.  

The Good:  Flowers in December, always a beautiful sight.   One of my favorite things about WDW is the landscaping and flowers.  I am always finding a new flower to enjoy and come home with loads of flower photos.

The Relief:  With issues of behavior, we were a bit worried how things would go this vacay.  And while there were a few meltdowns, for the most part the kids were awesome!  Take that SPD and ADHD!  We came prepared and with a plan to manage the stressors, the overwhelmed moments, and more.  And it helped tremendously.

The Good/The Bad:  time spent in the new Fantasyland expansion at Magic Kingdom.  Got to ride The Little Mermaid twice in a row with no wait.  But did not spend nearly enough time here.

The Awesomesauce:  Taking a silly face photo while on Spaceship Earth and laughing so hard each time we see the photo during the ride.  It was almost a "pee my pants" moment.  :) 

The Bad turned Good:  The kids were melting down, so were we.  We separated from my parents and were hoping to turn things around, or at least find a spot to stuff them in.  It was not one of the finer moments of the vacation, lots of yelling, sassing, eye-rolling and tears.  What a difference 10 minutes can make.  Yummy treats and coming across this performance, which had us dancing and singing in the front row.  Phoenix got to play the cow bell and ended up with a guitar pick after he told the band they were "awesome" at the end.

Mulch, Sweat & Shears

The Brave:  I rode Tower of Terror for my daughter.  And I was quaking inside the entire time waiting in line.  And I screamed like a little kid during the ride.  I was told by my 9yo to "face my fears" and after her doing so on this trip (and the one in June), how could I not?! 


So there are the highlights.  It was a trip in which we came home with good memories and as usual, needed a vacation from our vacation.  It was a fabulous time!

March

March of this year came and went quickly.  It was a fierce, busy, pain in the ass.  But we all survived.  Doing some wonderful things for myself and how I am thinking.  Some moments are a bit tough, but I work through it.  The theme of March would probably be alone and busy.  Most importantly, however is that March is simply a month of my life story, one that holds many, many months of story.  :)

forgiveness

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi 

the last post i made immediately prior to this was done out of frustration and anger.  i am working to move beyond those emotions and thus came the topic of forgiveness during my last counseling session.  she asked if i could forgive the things that have impacted me.  and while i hope i can do so, i feel lost at identifying what exactly i need to forgive with some issues.  then came the homework.  i am working on a project in which i identify what things in my life have deeply wounded/cut/whatever term and then working on acceptance.  i do not want to wallow in this pit of anger & frustration i have with several key things in my life.  i want to accept what is and move on.  the actual process of doing that is the sticky part.  and so i have this journal project sitting in my shelf.  it has been there for one week and i am feeling fearful of looking at this shit that exists within me.  but today i will begin.  and that is a wonderful step.

Shut yer mouth!

i have a secret, one that i cannot share at this time, but it is causing me to channel my inner hobbit......"keep it secret, keep it safe."  that is what gandalf says to frodo in lotr.  this secret is a big one and one that requires secrecy for safety.   i realize i am being shifty with the secret talk, but just a handful of people know the secret and we have a while to go before things are public.  so when someone who is in the know starts running their mouth and saying things that could cause others to go "hmmmm," i am going to say something.  and i did.  it was a pretty big thing for me to do with this particular person, which is ultimately what led me to write today.

i stood up and said something, which is something i do not usually do with this person.  i have always tried to keep the peace, but that is coming to an end.  it is about frickin' time i speak up and i am happy with myself that i did so.

a long time coming

i have started and deleted a few blog posts in the last two weeks, the words just not flowing like i wish they would.  and this post will probably be a jumble of words, so hang on tight.  :)

i have had some up days and down days, but i continue to work on personal growth and acceptance.  i struggle with acceptance as i feel there is something i should do (as in a task) or that there should be a difference in feeling, but there isn't.  well, there is a sense of freedom that comes as i move through acceptance.  but sometimes is way fucking difficult to do.  all in all, i feel better.  i feel better about myself and how i talk to myself and think about myself.  i know that i am capable, loveable, and pretty darn awesome.  gosh, that sounds so freaking egotistical.  i feel powerful, in a good way.  and that is amazing.

i received many gifts today as it's my 37th birthday.  some were material things, some monetary.  but the greatest gifts i received were those of love.  people who care about me and love me for who i am gathered together to celebrate the day.  people on facebook shared their birthday wishes.  i had some awesome texts as well from some special folks in my life.  what an amazing gift.  i am so grateful for everyone's love and friendship. 

this week i took part in a phenomenal event, One Billion Rising.  It was a call for a revolution that demands an end to violence against women & children across the globe.  We had some "random acts of dance" at work that involved some great dance moves (the sprinkler, the lawn mower, moonwalking, I could go on and on) and lots of laughter.  At work it's easy, everyone gets why we are doing this.  We are all aware of the violence and the atrocities committed.  Outside of work, it's a different story.  Getting people to care about violence in another country or even across town is difficult.  That is something I have difficulty understanding, but human rights, particularly female rights are a passionate cause in my heart.  I also had the opportunity to help plan and participate in a community event for OBR.  It didn't turn out as planned, but we had fun nonetheless. 

The snafu of the event led to a nightmare about the walk that I coordinate....I dreamed that no one but my family of four showed up at the event.  No one else.  Ack!  What a nightmare.  My heart is bursting with love for this event and I always want it to turn out well, but there are challenges.  something i figured out through this process of self discovery & growth is that i need validation from outside source to feel worthy.  and when planning a community event, this can be an issue.  when i feel as if no one is listening or cares, i feel like it is a rejection of me.  i can logically understand this isn't so, but deep down if it's important to me and i am important to someone else, why don't they recognize the passion and support it.  it is something i am working on and with multiple projects going on, i am getting the opportunity for lots of practice. :)

i am learning to love myself.  to be comfortable with myself and to hell with what others think.  that i need to please myself rather than pleasing others first.  i got an amazing text tonight from a friend and her words touched me in a way she cannot possibly imagine.  i love her and her friendship and i am so fortunate to have her in my life.  she gets me and accepts me for who i am at my core, quirks and all.  what a gift.  she's a pretty spectacular person herself.  love ya.

the hubs and i are doing awesome, working on our communication and support of each other.  it's been fantastic.  it has been a new commitment to each other and our family, which was needed. 

we had parent teacher conferences this last week.  the kids are doing great!  the boy child has been doing well with OT and the extra things we've added at home for his needs and we are seeing improvements with those additions.  the girl child is also doing great and continues to amaze me.  they both slept through the night, in their own beds for 6 nights in a row.  YES.  i could not say if that ever happened before.  it is pure awesomesauce!

well, that's the wrap-up for now.  signing off for the night.

when does it end

i've written this post before.  however, the issue has come up again and after discussing it with the counselor, she asked that i take a look at it and ask for input from my fellow PE sisters.

i am a fan of Downtown Abbey and this weeks episode had a preeclampsia storyline.  i knew this going in, but did not know what the true story would be.  i did not know that i would be left breathless as i watched lady sybil pass away from eclampsia.  i did not know the feeling of helplessness would crush my soul as i watched tom beg his wife to breath and stay with him.  i sobbed silently all while wanting to scream at the tv.

for the most part, i believe i have healed from my experience, however there are times when a flashback hits and i can recall details such as the light shining through the window, the beep of the machines, the squeeze of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes, the red in my urine bag and how fucking scared i was all while i felt removed from the situation.  i was present but not.  the mag was coursing through my veins and i am sure that helped the feeling of detachment in addition to the HELLP Syndrome that was starting cause a major decline in my body function.

usually as i gear up for walk season, i can get a bit emotional.  however, since i am a doer it helps to manage those feelings by walk planning.  yet on walk day, when i bear witness to the other sisters and families sharing their stories, it comes back.  i drive by the birthing center on a regular basis and 10 years later, it can shoot me back to those days.  i have been to the birthing center twice since P was born.  while things turned out well for him, i still had preeclampsia and with the abruption scare, it just added to the emotional trauma.  (i feel uncomfortable calling it trauma, but i need to call it what it is.)  the last time i went to the hospital was i think 5 years ago.  and i had what i guess i could call a panic attack just sitting in the parking lot prior to going in.  the pressure in my chest squeezing as i rode the elevator up to the 2nd floor.  and my footsteps feeling like wading through lead as i walked to her room.  it was a short visit.  i cried the entire ride home.  and i am uncomfortable even thinking about going back in.

i know several of my PE sisters have similar reactions.  but my question is, when does this end?  does it get better?  will the volunteering i do to ease the pain and efforts to help other avoid this condition make it hurt less eventually.  i know that i have cannot stop giving and doing for the foundation.  it is simply not an option, not when other families are experiencing the heartache of losing mothers and/or babies to preeclampsia.  knowing that i was one of the lucky ones, i feel it is my duty to serve in the fight against preeclampsia.  i just wish the feelings that sneak up would lessen.  and i don't know if that is possible.