when does it end

i've written this post before.  however, the issue has come up again and after discussing it with the counselor, she asked that i take a look at it and ask for input from my fellow PE sisters.

i am a fan of Downtown Abbey and this weeks episode had a preeclampsia storyline.  i knew this going in, but did not know what the true story would be.  i did not know that i would be left breathless as i watched lady sybil pass away from eclampsia.  i did not know the feeling of helplessness would crush my soul as i watched tom beg his wife to breath and stay with him.  i sobbed silently all while wanting to scream at the tv.

for the most part, i believe i have healed from my experience, however there are times when a flashback hits and i can recall details such as the light shining through the window, the beep of the machines, the squeeze of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes, the red in my urine bag and how fucking scared i was all while i felt removed from the situation.  i was present but not.  the mag was coursing through my veins and i am sure that helped the feeling of detachment in addition to the HELLP Syndrome that was starting cause a major decline in my body function.

usually as i gear up for walk season, i can get a bit emotional.  however, since i am a doer it helps to manage those feelings by walk planning.  yet on walk day, when i bear witness to the other sisters and families sharing their stories, it comes back.  i drive by the birthing center on a regular basis and 10 years later, it can shoot me back to those days.  i have been to the birthing center twice since P was born.  while things turned out well for him, i still had preeclampsia and with the abruption scare, it just added to the emotional trauma.  (i feel uncomfortable calling it trauma, but i need to call it what it is.)  the last time i went to the hospital was i think 5 years ago.  and i had what i guess i could call a panic attack just sitting in the parking lot prior to going in.  the pressure in my chest squeezing as i rode the elevator up to the 2nd floor.  and my footsteps feeling like wading through lead as i walked to her room.  it was a short visit.  i cried the entire ride home.  and i am uncomfortable even thinking about going back in.

i know several of my PE sisters have similar reactions.  but my question is, when does this end?  does it get better?  will the volunteering i do to ease the pain and efforts to help other avoid this condition make it hurt less eventually.  i know that i have cannot stop giving and doing for the foundation.  it is simply not an option, not when other families are experiencing the heartache of losing mothers and/or babies to preeclampsia.  knowing that i was one of the lucky ones, i feel it is my duty to serve in the fight against preeclampsia.  i just wish the feelings that sneak up would lessen.  and i don't know if that is possible.