progress

i have wanted to start another post this week so many times, but each time i sat down to write nothing would come out.  i guess it is part of the process, but it was frustrating to say the least.  nonetheless, i have working on progress this week.  sunday, after my purge post, i felt AMAZING.  i felt powerful and hopeful.  awesome combo, right.  monday, i had an appt with the counselor and it went well.  i was able to express things that i had written out and verbally speak them.  out loud.  scary and exhilarating at the same time.  i have several things i want to tackle for myself and i was reminded this is a process.  and one that will not take place overnight.  some days or weeks might be bad and others will be great.  there may be steps back while i make the steps forward, i just need to keep the eye on the prize....which is a healthier me.

things i have learned/worked on this week:

*one of my goals is to change how i speak to myself internally.  i am attempting to be more aware of what i say to myself and wow, that is #1 more difficult than i thought it would be and #2 when i said i was hard on myself, that was truth.  little shit that i make a mistake on or do in a manner that afterwards made more sense to do another way, i will call myself stupid or brainless.  i call myself a bad mom when something happens with the kids that i somehow say i caused it.  i do not feel sexy or beautiful which, of course, impacts intimacy with my partner and i tell myself i am unworthy of him or shouldn't matter because i cannot be with him more often.  and it's a fucking cycle.  i will hear myself do it and then i started beating myself up for doing it.  i finally said, enough.  and now i try to tell myself "stop it" when i hear the negative self talk start. 

*in the last year or so, i have become very uncomfortable with touch, especially in certain areas.  it sucks, but it is what it is.  however, since i have started this 'journey' it has ramped up.  the best that i can figure out is that it ties into how i feel about my body, but also what i have been storing in my gut emotion-wise.  i have also looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that i can no longer hide the pain, the emotions, and whatever else by eating and by staying fat.  i have told myself over and over that while i am not 100% happy with how i look, i am comfortable with myself.  what a lie.  what i weigh is a reflection of a protection mechanism i have created for myself.  i have told myself i am not worthy of taking care of myself or losing weight to be more healthy or to look & feel better about myself.  well, that shit has got to stop.  I am trying a new tactic of looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud that i am beautiful and i am worth it.  and i know i want to make changes.  i am done being the fat lady who likes to laugh.  i want to be the healthier me who loves to laugh.

*the counselor identified something for me that while i think i knew, i didn't really get it 100%.  i am a doer.  i like to do something to ease the stress or emotion of what i am feeling.  i was feeling a bit lost after facing what shit i was stuffing.  lost as in i didn't know what to do with the emotion or what to do next about it.  and one of the biggest things she said to me was, "there may not be anything to do."  which made me very uncomfortable, but when i really looked at it i saw she was right.  for years i have channeled emotions into tasks rather than dealing with them.  however, there are times it is a way for me to process and work through what i am feeling.  many times when i become emotionally upset, i bake or clean.  i look at it like my way of taking that "count to 10 and then respond" break someone who is angry needs to do.  it works to deflate me.  but i also need to remember that i do need to feel some of these things and there may not be a way for me to do something about it.  i have a feeling this one will take some time.

*i am working on being more accountable right now.  i have a tendency when overwhelmed to lost track of stuff or forget things.  there is more to this that i cannot go into at the moment, but there will be a time i will.  hopefully in the near future.

this is a transformation for me.  i know i will come out different in the end and that is okay.  i want to be a better me.  and i believe i can do it.