in my session with the counselor this week I worked through an exercise that was another light bulb moment for me. i mentioned in my first vomit-post that i have issues with feeling unworthy. apparently the feeling of fear is strong in me. many things that i may "feel" are really surface issues that are truly fear. i may be frustrated with something, which in turn makes me angry. and i feel helpless, which is an awful, horrible feeling for me. but that really boils down to feeling abandoned, which ultimately means that i am afraid. i want to be seen and validated which equal acceptance. and i am fearful when i do not feel accepted.
we discussed how things at their basic level are based on fear or love. and many, most to be honest, in my life are based in fear at the moment and have been for a while. i am fearful of being abandoned. if i look at it, i think "well duh." i have a father who didn't want me at the start. i just never thought i had an issue with it, but i never allowed myself to just simply accept it for what it truly was and move on.
i also discovered that i use surface feeling words to deal with my "problems" rather than allow and accept what the true feeling may really be. i got this awesome worksheet with feeling words. in part, it appears to be a grade school emotions sheet, but it had been great for me to find a different, more accurate word for what i may be feeling. i am trying to be a human 'being' rather than a human 'doer.' it is a challenge. to let the feelings percolate and honestly feel them rather than tell myself i shouldn't feel that way or just plain stuff it immediately. that song & dance is getting me nowhere. and my journey is to somewhere other than where i have been lately. i want to be healthier. healthier emotionally, mentally and physically. it's a package deal.
i love myself. quirks, oddness, goodness and all. i just need to remind myself of that way more often.