Vent

Some days I just do not know what to do or where to turn.  We had one of *those* evenings with A today.  It was a brief 15 minutes or so, but quite honestly I am tired of dealing with them.  And I know I can't be.  But some days are just too much.  I'm thankful today was only a short time and she had a quick and great recovery.  But man, it is such a roller coaster.

I have been trying to do some research on the web about children & anxiety, reading books, trying to gather and try new techniques.  But it never feels like I'm doing enough.  And at times, I am overwhelmed at having to do it all myself.  The husband is not taking my discussion of the medication possibility well, and I didn't respond very well to that.  Lovely, made myself feel even more like crap then.

I do not really have anything great to say and I guess I am wallowing a bit in self pity, needing to vent.

Thankfulness

“Be thankful for hard times in your life. Try not to look at them as bad things, but as opportunities to grow and learn.”

This quote caught my eye and I think helps place those difficult moments into perspective.  I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends near and far, good health, knowledge, hope and magic.  

It is difficult at times to appreciate those moments that get you down.  When your child is screaming at you that you do not care about her.  When your child hits you because you said no.  With reflection, I must be grateful for those times.  I am grateful that I and my children are here to suffer through those parenting difficulties.  I am thankful that my husband and I each have our own mind with our own ideas, beliefs, and thoughts.  Even if that creates slight disagreements.  I am grateful for their love. 

I am very thankful for the good health of some loved ones who have waged war against cancer.  My dad just had another scope and got a good bill of health.  He will continue to have scopes and the treatments as bladder cancer's rate of reoccurence is pretty high.  I'm thankful our friend Laura battled breast cancer and won.  She did so with grace and bravery. 

I am unsure if I can even put into words how awesome it is to own our first home.  Sure, there are some things we need to unpack yet and projects aplenty, but that is what makes it fun, right?  Every few days or so, my husband looks at me with this magnificent grin and tells me he loves our house.  The joys and pains of homeownership are still being enjoyed here.

Magic is in our lives each and every day, from the twinkle in my children's eye to the freshly fallen snow reflecting the bright sun.  I am so very thankful for that as well. 

Difficult

I've tried to start this post so many times over the last week.  And each time I have given up.  The words too difficult to pour forward.  Too difficult to write without tears obscuring my vision.  And too difficult to imagine what life will be like in the future.

I've mentioned briefly before that Ari was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year.  But I haven't written much about it since.  And my hope is to start doing so in order to just even sort out my own thoughts.

There are days we have no idea what child we will get.  Will the sweet, happy child awaken?  Or will the dragon child?  Will she be happy-go-lucky in the morning only to fall apart after we pick her up from school?  And how will the evening go?  Endless questions as to what will happen.  Each day.  Some days or weeks are better than others.  We can go weeks without a full blown breakdown.  But we can tell when it's starting to build.  And we do whatever we can to avoid it, but it happens nonetheless.  We manage.  We struggle.  We cry.  And we laugh.  We get to ride the roller coaster with her.  And it sucks.  Plain and simple.  Even though I get to ride in the cart with her, I cannot imagine what daily life is truly like for her.  Trying to hold herself together during the day at school and then feeling safe enough at night to decompress, even if that means it ends up in a trantrumatic fight.  There are days we simply do what we can to help her.  And it often doesn't feel as if it's enough.

When she had testing earlier this year, it was brought out that she suffers from low self esteem.  Duh, we already knew that.  But what we didn't know prior to that is that she sometimes thought she shouldn't be alive because she's not good enough.  We were told she didn't have a depressive disorder and didn't understand what suicide really was.  Sigh of relief right?  That's what we thought.  I've told her father that if we cannot help her along her path of life well enough, I can see her developing an eating disorder or becoming a cutter.  Suicide is not something that any parent ever wants to imagine their child thinking about, especially at age seven. 

However, that is what we have had to think about over the last two weeks.  The other weekend, she became very upset at me and during her blow up in her room, she created a card for me.  The front was beautiful with pink letters saying "I love you mom" and hearts.  The inside left page speaks of being sorry for her actions earlier in the evening.  And on the left inside page...."I'm sorry I am so stupid."  With a drawing of herself.  Putting a sword into her belly with blood dripping down, pooling on the floor. 

Yes, that is what we have been dealing with.  I had to have a discussion with my seven year old to discover if she was seriously thinking of harming herself while internally freaking out, wondering if we need to hide our knives and take her to the hospital.  Through sobbing, I managed to learn that she was not serious about hurting herself, but did think she shouldn't be alive because she is too stupid.  I made her promise to not hurt herself and told her we'd discuss it with her counselor.   The counselor believes this is just how she is expressing herself.  That she does not really understand what truly her photo meant.  I cannot tell you how every fiber of my being hopes she is right.  Trying to have a discussion about suicide with an intelligent young lady while not trying to teach her about suicide is delicate.  No other word for it.

We hear often that no one cares about her, that we don't love her.  I can tell her until I am blue in the face that I love her and she's the most beautiful and special girl and she doesn't believe me.  Makes one feel like a huge fat failure as a parent that's for sure.  It makes us wonder what lays ahead for her, for us.  And makes us wish that things could be easier for her.

It's been a great week this week.  I'm sure the high's and low's will continue.  We'll have more fights.  There will be more laughs, more awesome moments.  Those make the unbearable days more bearable.

National Prematurity Month

Eight years ago, I was preparing to finally leave the first trimester behind.  The yukkies were (hopefully) almost over.  I was a prepared preggo.  I read books, joined websites, and read all the materials my doctor gave me.  And yet, when the pain struck that day in May of 2003 I had no idea what was happening.  First, I was told it was my gall bladder and then the news came.  You will be having your baby this weekend.  What?  Um no.  We have Lamaze this weekend and she's not supposed to be here for another 5+ weeks. 

What happened then became a haze as I entered in the world of HELLP Syndrome.  Something I had no clue even existed.  Something that I have since learned takes the lives of women and children on a regular basis.  I developed severe preeclampsia just shy of 35 weeks and had to deliver my baby in order to save my own life in addition to hers.  That 4lb guppy is now seven years old and is very healthy physically.

Fast-forward three years and our son is born at 37 weeks (what my OB calls "not quite term-ish").  I had been battling gestational hypertension for about five weeks prior to D-day.  And that day, my OB told me it was a good day for me to deliver as things appeared to be heading south within my body.   He was born slightly early and while small at 5lbs 6oz, he did great and came home with us.

So many friends & family members have walked the road of prematurity.  It's a road I would not wish upon anyone.  No one dreams of having a baby in the NICU.  The dreams of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" birth go quickly out the door.  And the guilt that comes along the prematurity road is horrifying.  Asking yourself daily what you did to cause this.  Is the issue your child is having now related to their prematurity?  This is not a fun or easy path to walk.

But having a premature baby allows a gratefulness for life to enter your life that I'm not sure otherwise can be introduced.  You cherish the small things and are so damn proud of the accomplishments your child makes.  You know and have empathy for the road that others travel with difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, and issues with your child.

Please visit the March of Dimes to learn more about prematurity and how to help us fight it.

A Week of Hell

I haven't been able to come up with an adequate post to describe this last week, but I do need to ask for good thoughts please.  We could certainly use them as we figure out some things.

Deep Inside In Heart

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother.  But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety.  The summer was pretty smooth sailing.  Now that school has started, things have heated up for her.  And some days it's just almost too much.  It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school.  Too many choices overwhelm her.  Not enough and she gets pissed.  Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her.  And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom.  Did I make her like this?  Am I encouraging it in some way?  Will life ever be easier for her?  To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest.  They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces.  They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times.  They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl.  We see that too, of course.  But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart.  And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.

Blah Blah Blah

You know it, sing it.  Yes, that song by one of the tarts out there right now.  (And yes, I will admit to owning that album-it's quite catchy to be honest).


I really try to be a positive, glass half full kind of person.  But lately, it's been so difficult to do.  And I can't pin it on any one thing.  I know work has a huge deal in it as things are quite frankly, very sucky at work.  Yes, sucky is the perfect word for it.  I have been trying to remain optimistic with the changes that have been forced, um I mean made, on myself and my lucky coworkers.  However, each day I feel more and more squashed like the disgusting bug that we are viewed the be.  I know all the horseshit of "no one can make you feel anyway you don't want to," and I try so hard to remain upbeat.  But it's such a challenge some days.  Most days right now.  And then throw in a job where you have to deal with yucky topics as if that isn't enough to sometimes make my job suck.

Halfing 1 has been off and on with her moods.  I hate having to watch what we say for fear that we set her off on some goddamn freakout.  It completely sucks.  But it's our life.  She's had some awesome moments this week, so that helps us get through the less-than-stellar ones.  Halfling 2 has been the spawn of satan lately.  (And I think I know a couple of people who would probably peg me as satan, so that statement for him qualifies)  The kid is four.  And he's pooped in his fricking pants 4 times this month.  Um, hello?  Use the toilet.  You know, the thing you've been using for almost two years?  And talk about attitude.  And stubborn.  But it all melts away when he flashes his "special" smile.  Thank the stars he's cute, or he'd probably be in more trouble.

There is the always present family drama.   Not my immediate family, but the next layer.  So and so did this, so and so didn't do that.  And several posting it on facebook, hanging it out there for the entire world to see.  Really?  I am doing my best to avoid becoming involved, but sometimes one gets drawn in or has to stand up for something that truly isn't right. 

There are a few other major disappointments that I've had over the last month and they have been difficult for me to swallow.  Let's just say fall has not been the best part of the year for me.  And because of that, this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this......Bring on Old Man Winter!

Totally and completely sucking

at so many things.  Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on. 

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned.  Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is.  One's struggles make them stronger so many people say.  I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.  

I want(ed) to be a great mom.  And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc.  But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do.  They are my world.  Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband.  And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex.  He is always there for me.  Even if I don't want or need him to be.  Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated.  I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often.  But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else.  He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend.  I have been failing miserably at this for a while.  Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out.  I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls.  I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me.  I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change.  Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work.  I feel good knowing I made a difference.  And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project.  I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work.  I want to respond better to situations.  I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur.  I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do.  I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients.  I want to talk less at work.  To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.  

I want to be a better person.  And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be.  I know it. 

Our World

Perfect example of how A processes certain things with her anxiety.  She was reading the tags on a decorative pillow on her bed the other evening.  "Keep away from flame.  Keep away from face to avoid suffocation."  Things like that.  She, of course, is worried what will happen if a fire starts in the middle of the night and should the pillow stay in her bed.  I cut the other tags off to avoid this, but apparently missed this one.  So I tell her I will cut the tag off so it doesn't scratch her, trying to get her mind off the tag warnings.  Her question....."What happens if we forget the rules?"  And I had to explain and reassure her that mommy has bought lots of pillows before and has read all the rules many times.

sigh.  Some moments it just shines out of the blue.  She's been doing awesome and whammo, the anxiety flares.

Promise to Myself

When I began this blog, I did not do it out of because I think I am important or to gain readers or to make money.  I did it because writing helps me understand myself. The act of putting my rambling thoughts into language, into language that makes me not only understandable to myself, but to others, is gratifying. I don't just prefer writing on the blog; my friends and family know that I would much rather e-mail than phone.  I think better when I write.  I enjoy using language that helps me express myself.

But I haven't taken time to allow myself this expression.  For a very long time.  I've held back or have ignored the need to write.  And I've closed myself off in that arena.  I want desperately to get back into the groove and use writing & language to share my thoughts and help me figure some issues out.  So a promise to myself is being made.  I promise myself that I will take time to write, to express, and to enjoy.  It is part of who I am and I need to honor that piece rather than stuff it.

Learned Items

Almost two months ago, we put ourselves majorly in debt with our house. After 40 minutes, 300 signatures, and 100 initials, we were handed two sets of keys and two electric garage door openers.

Here are things I've learned since that time:

*Make sure you have a pizza delivery phone number available. You will use it, especially on those days when you are attempting to create order in your new home.

*Buy a big pack of Toilet Paper, and place next to the toilet. Toilet paper goes quickly at our place. Either that or I bought the small rolls last time.

*Check the batteries in your new smoke detectors. And buy a carbon monoxide detector. It helps for when you are paranoid about the gas fireplace in your family room.

*Take a couple different routes to work, school, or Menards. Then determine which has the shortest time and the least amount of interaction with asshole drivers.

*Make sure when you have your telephone and internet service moved to the new place, that BOTH are moved. Some ding-dong at Frontier decided our DSL could stay at the old place. Duh. It only took us a week to get that figured out.

*Mow your grass on a regular basis. If only to keep your grass-nazi neighbor happy, even if you don't give to shits or have the time to mow your lawn 3 times a week. Yes, he mows that often.

*Be prepared for random drop ins. It could be your parents, friends, or neighbors. It sucks when your new home resembles a tornado stricken area when people stop by.

*Have a toilet plunger for each toilet. Just in case. And learn just how high the water can go in the toilet when it does plug up so you know if you can insert the plunger without putting water over the edge of the bowl or if you need to turn off the water supply.

*Painting will always take longer than you plan. And Frog Tape ROCKS!

There are my top learned items over the last two months.  I'm sure there will be a ton more.

Gay protest signs

A friend shared this with me after we had chuckled over a gay protest sign we saw. Mucho love to my friends who this means a lot to!

Sleep

I really love sleep.  A good sleep that consists of 8+ hours.  The only problem is that I cannot recall the most recent 8+ hour stretch I had.  Yes, we were camping last week with no kids.  However I did not sleep through a single night, whether that was from having to get up to pee or the frequent nighttime storms we had.  The key issue at home is the boy child.  Who usually gets up at least 1-2, sometimes 3, times a night.  To sleep.  With. Me.

And sometimes I am too tired to even care and he sleeps with me.  Oh my, I am doing the unforgivable aren't I?  I'm letting my child sleep in my bed with me.  It is what I have to do sometimes to simply get some sleep.  But it's getting old.

What is older is the fact that the boy child takes FOREVER to actually fall asleep when he goes to bed.  Sometimes it's over two hours we are dealing with him.  We are trying to get him back into a routine, but it's been a struggle since he's been such a shit.  He can walk over to you sitting next to the doorway, but then says his ankle hurts or his legs are broken and cannot get in bed.  This just after he crawled out and walked over.  sigh.  Not to mention the hubby and I have some differing POV's on things and handle things differently at times.  That sure helps a lot.  Not.

I'm struggling with what to do.  And I need time to get some other things done at night as well as actually catching some Zzzzz's.  Any sleep/bedtime tips to share?

August AWEsomenesses

• Camping - okay, well maybe not camping itself, but being child free for several days with little responsibility.
• The shower I took when I got home.  Nothing like a shower after a camping trip.
• iPhone 4.  Yep, it arrived yesterday and I'm LOVING it!!
• First house payment due.  Yes, I am celebrating this. ;)

That's the tops for the month so far.  I'm feeling a bit in the dumps today so I figured I'd do a quick AWEsome post.

Stripper Sheep

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week.  And we couldn't help but take a photo.  Because. This. Is. Hilarious!  Dontcha think?  First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over.   Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties.  And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter.  How could it not?  Sheep with leotards?  It was the highlight of our night!