Promise Walk time

It's Promise Walk For Preeclampsia time again.  I am coordinating the walk in my hometown again this year and hope to be an even bigger success than the years prior.   Our goals are set a bit higher this year and what is really exciting for me is the fact that we have 5 teams registered already!  And all of them have fundraising goals set, which is really awesome.  Our team is reaching for another $1000 goal again this year.  I'm hopeful we can reach it, but also know finances are even more tough for many this year.  The awareness we share is vital and priceless.

I won't go on and on as if you are a regular here, you know our story and how passionate I am about preeclampsia awareness.  If you could spare a buck or two (or ten or twenty), please consider donating to our "Gang" again this year.  I sure would appreciate it.

I have what?

Dermatitis herpetiformis 

If you are anything like me, you are wondering what exactly the hell is dermatitis herpes what? Dermatitis herpetiformis is a condition that occurs often when someone has a sensitivity to gluten, or wheat.  And apparently this is what I've developed.  Total awesomeness.  I think my second reaction was, well, fuck me.

 I awoke in the middle of the night the other week with an intense burning itch on my inner forearms.  I put cold water on them and went back to sleep.  In the morning, I saw a couple of red spots but nothing major.  The next night, I awoke to the same itching except it was on my outer forearms and hands.  These pimple-like red spots that made me want to rip my skin off.  In the morning, I still had some spots and then my chest broke out a bit.  I had just started a new shampoo and thought perhaps I was having a reaction to that, so I stopped using it.  And then after a delicious lunch of Domino's Pizza, my arms were on fire again.  I stocked up on an antihistimine and itched at varying times over the weekend, most often after I finished eating.  Monday, I called the doctor and they scheduled me for Wednesday.  In the meantime, my arms looked horrendous.  My coworkers teased me that I was a meth addict.  Turns out those spots are like small blisters and my itching made them all pop, bleed, and scab, and then bleed some more when I itched again.

this is what I looked like.....

Nasty, right?  I am embarrassed to show my arms.  Turns out, the doc thinks I have a gluten intolerance, sensitivity or full blown allergy.   I had celiac labwork done last year as she suspected I had an issue with gluten, however my bloodwork was just within normal range.  Unlike A's, who's labwork was competely wonky and then upon the biopsy, turned out she has no damage to her celia and thus no celiac.  But I digress.  

The doc's daughter discovered a gluten intolerance in this exact fashion a number of years ago and now breaks out in this "rash" when she even has just a few bites of wheat.   Did I mention, it looks awesome?  So, my doc prescribed a gluten-free diet for the next 6 weeks until I see her again.  Um, can I admit that I about cried when she told me no bread?  Cuz, that's true.  I'm a carb addict.  I left the office wondering what on earth I will eat now, stopped at the bookstore for some gluten free books and then onto the grocery store for some gluten-free foods.

If you haven't priced out gluten-free foods....they are frickin' expensive!  I knew I'd need some snacks and thought I'd try out some different items.  Now, I know I can still eat meat, fruits, veggies and lots of other food.  But I also knew I'd need some "quick" items to eat.  I discovered over the weekend, I can still do my chips & dip (yay-fucking-hoo!!) and the noodles are not all that bad.  I am on the hunt for more information, recipes, tips, and more as this is quite the educational experience for me.  I've run the gammut of being pissed off, depressed, and more about it.  I have noticed that I actually feel better over the last few days (I've been gluten free since Wed last week minus a few mistakes/sneaks), which is awesome.  I did have some french fries with lunch today and wow, within the hour my stomach felt like shit.  No rash (thankfully), but I could tell my digestive system was not appreciative.  

I decided today that I do not like the word diet when I say Gluten Free Diet, so I came up with Alternative Food Choices, or AFC's.  It is sure to be an education, an adventure and a lifestyle change. 

It's a Party

5 Minute for Mom is in the middle of their Annual Ultimate Blog Party and it's a great time!!  Check it out to meet other ladies, find some cool business, win some prizes, and have fun!

If you are on Twitter, follow #UBP11 for a live even tonight!  Check out the UBP page for more info.

Food Changes

Most people that know me IRL, know that I am a selective eater.  I like certain things and am not very adventurous.  My tongue is on fire with spicy foods and texture matters big-time.  I love to eat however.  The problem is that I love to eat mostly the wrong foods.  We've been making changes, however slight, to make more sit down meals with the family or making real mashed potatoes vs out of the box.

I took time this morning to watch Supersize Me and Food, Inc.   And while I have made small changes to eating better or having healthier foods in our home, I know I have yet to truly make changes.  There is a piece in Food, Inc. in which a farmer says (not exact quote) "I have people come up and complain about paying $3.00 for a dozen of organic eggs while they are holding a 75 cent can of pop."  That is so me.  I have done that very thing.  I've talked about walking to the farmer's market in summer and buying produce, but have rarely followed through.

I have yet to discuss this food change plan with my partner in crime, I mean, life.  So we'll see how far I can take this.  He already complains about what I don't eat, but I'm thinking I may eat more things if I know they are healthy and not processed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will still have my chips (on occasion) and my processed wheat pizza dough from a national chain.  But change starts small, right?  I've thought about planting a garden and have discounted it due to the deer, squirrels, and rabbits we have traversing through.  I've played with the idea of container gardening, but thought it was too much effort or that it's not really worth it.  But now I'm thinking differently and doing some investigating about it.

So those who do organic, grass-fed food, etc.....got ideas, recipes, and other tidbits to share?

A New Life

It's been one month.  One month since A has been on her medication.  Let me preface this post by stating that medications are not for everyone.  I can only speak to our experience and from our standpoint, medication for our child's anxiety issues has been a lifesaver.

Deciding to have your child medicated is not an easy decision.  It is one we made after much thought, months of therapy (which continues), and in consultation with a child pyschiatrist.  I was resistant to the idea for a long time.  And after a while I became more open to the idea.  After day in and day out fighting with her or her worries, not knowing what you say could cause her to explode, not sure if your child is feeling okay about herself today or if she wants to hurt herself.  It was exhausting.  And lonely.  I have shared some of our experience here, but not a great deal.  Many people who know A have no idea how far her worries go or ever see the "real" thing.  It took the experiences of others in similar situations, careful thought, and loads of discussion to make the decision.

And it was one of the best decisions we've ever made.  She is a different A.  In a great way.  I was intensely worried that she would be zoned out or changed in a bad way by the meds.  She's not.  It allows her to have her real self shine through.  The worries don't get in the way.  She's happy, not bogged down by intense emotions, and is able to handle talking with mom & dad without someone melting down.  Rather than having daily, or almost daily, incidents to deal with; we have once in a while incidents.  She still does have worries, still has self-esteem issues, still feels strongly about things.  But she can do so without having this extra "thing" tagging along.  That is the best way I can think to word it.  The "thing" does not control life anymore. 

The Dr. indicated she'd be on the meds for approximately 6 months and then we will wean her off to see where she's at.  She may need them for only 6 months, 1 year, a couple years, or perhaps forever.  We simply do not know what will happen as she develops into her pre-teen, teen, and adult years.  The hope is that if things can re-wire themselves she won't need meds long-term, but if she does, so be it.   As she grows, she can utilize and understand more tools to help herself.  We continue to use cognitive methods and tools to help her, and will continue to do so.

I love that little girl.  Fiercely.  And I know in my heart we made the right choice for her. 

First Visit Home

Free Disney Tickers

We bought into Disney's Vacation Club this last week.  And our first visit "home" will be in August of 2012.  We'll be vacationing with J's mom & stepdad, and taking our nephew to WDW for his first visit.  We can't wait!   We are also planning another trip for spring 2013 with my parents, so we will be sure to get our Disney quota's met.

Jason and I have been interested in DVC for years and we haven't had the financial opportunity to buy in.  And we are so proud of paying off a tremendous amount of debt over the last 2-3 years that we rewarded ourselves.  Yes, we are Disney fanatics.  To know us is to know that.  We plan trips every 2-3 years most of the time.  This allows us to visit and stay in a nice location and plan vacays to other places using our points.

Got Meds?

We had the elusive appointment with Dr. D today.  And it was a fantastic appointment.  Further confirmation that we have a pretty smart, creative, and special little girl.  I left the appointment feeling hopeful.  And validated.  He thinks she does have some sensory issues that run alongside and help increase her anxiety.  We got a "good job" basically on what we have been doing for techniques, etc.  Some things were recommended for tweaks, but overall we have been right on.

I know the title of this post is rather cavalier, but it's our reality.  We have decided the best course at this time is medication along with the therapy.  We know it's not an easy or quick fix, and it certainly was not an easy decision.  But it's the right one for us.  And the hope that our little girl can fall asleep easier, worry less, and love herself more in the long run is strong right now.  She is very excited to take her "medicine" and understands the basic concept that it may help her" brain work better" (her words).   I hope so too my dear.  Hopefully in about a month, we'll be on the swing to happier days for her.

Bird on a Wire

I am so frustrated.  And I do not know what to do.  My abilities as a parent are 100% failing me.  And I feel like a bird on a wire.  I am precariously perched on a small ledge and if I shift too far one way or the other, the fall has the potential of devastating consequences.  However, I am attempting to remain stalwart and strong, albeit ready to take flight.

Ari has tried many activities....T-ball, tennis, tae kwan do, swimming, and now Brownies.  T-ball was a nightmare.  And is when we discovered activities that has her focusing more on individuality rather than a full team is better for her psyche.  She can do team approach somewhat, however the counselor warned that she feels responsible for a loss if she feels she made the slightest mistake.  Okay, no "team" sports.  She tried tae kwan do over the summer the other year and was excellent at it.  J signed her up for the remainder of the year and quite frankly, ended up pushing her too hard and she stopped wanting to go.  Talk of tournaments and a rigorous 3 times a week schedule was too much for her.  Tennis was a 6 week program at school.  She made it two weeks.  Swimming is the only thing that has stuck for her and she is quite good.  It challenges her  and yet allows her to interact with other kids at the same level.

And then she wanted to join Brownies this year.  She was so excited, couldn't wait to get her sash and earn badges.  And here we are, the second week in a row, that she doesn't want to go.  She states she has no fun at Brownies and the meetings are too long.  I let her skip last week as many of the girls do not attend each and every meeting.  However, the December and January meetings were canceled due to weather.  She's sold the cookies and had fun.  But she says she's done now.  So, in a fit of anger, I told her if she didn't go today (touring the fire dept at which she's been too before) then after she gets her cookies, she's done.  It's not fair to the other participants if she isn't willing to give her best towards it.

I'm on the fence about forcing my children to attend something they signed up for.  Part of me dictates that if you sign up for something you follow it through.  The other part of me knows how she is and that it will be a disaster if we force her.  I don't know what lesson to teach.  That you follow through or that it's okay to quit?  Can I teach her both?  That if you try something and don't like it, try something else and keep trying until you find your "thing?"  Or that you sign the line (and mom & dad invest $ into), you keep going whether you like it or not.

She sits here now asking me to play Pokemon with her.  I cannot and will not.  This is the time that she is to be at Brownies and I will not be spending the time playing a game with her.  Not sure which lesson I'm teaching at this point, but it feels right.  Of course, it has led to her crying and hitting herself, screaming "I'm so stupid" and "I"m no good at anything."   I feel desperate to fix her.  To tell her she is worthy and have her completely believe me.  I don't know how to best help my child today.  I am struggling and frustrated.  My patience feels as if it's nearing empty and I do not not how to replenish it.  I am so tired of the struggle and I do not know what to do next to best help her.  Is this just her personality?  Or is something else going on?  I know she will always struggle with perfectionism, worries, and self-esteem.  I just want her to be the best Ari that she can be, that's my job as her mother.  Right now, I am at a loss at how to do so.

I'm Baaaaaack

So, I resolved my issues with blogspot after having posting issues on wordpress.  And I'm back here.

Part of my decision in moving to a different local was a few select individuals who read my blog.  Then I thought about it.  And thought about it some more.  There are times I do not post what I really want to due to eyes that may be reading.  And my conclusion is, if someone doesn't like what I post.....then don't come here.  Simple as that.  Why do I have to leave a place I was comfortable in to avoid a situation?  I don't.  And I won't give that person power in that regard.

My apologizes to those who followed me over the wp.  I hope you keep up here again.

Love to you all in bloggy land.

Appt Update

I was able to get the appointment rescheduled for March 1st.  That’s not too far away.  I hope. 

Book Check

What book are you reading right now?  Why did you chose it?  Are you enjoying it?

Anxiety Update

It’s been a while since I posted (of course).  Here’s a down and dirty on the anxiety status at our home:
December (prior to Christmas)–I arrange for Ari’s records to be sent to Dr. D (the child psychologist).  Then I find out that I need to complete a large packet prior to the office scheduling an appointment.  Nothing like a delay.  I receive the packet in the mail on Christmas Eve and spend time over the holidays answering questions such as “what fears does your child have?” and “what kind of discipline do you use with your child?”  I send the packet in right away with hope we get an appointment in January yet.
One week goes by.
Another week goes by.  I’m becoming anxious now about this appointment.  I think about calling, but tell myself that they need to review her records and the packet prior to scheduling the appoint.
I call at 3 weeks out.  And the receptionist says “We sent your packet out on Dec. 22 and have yet to receive anything back.”  Um, you’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me.  Yes, that is what I really said.  Two trains of thought instantly coursed through my mind.  1) Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  How can this be?  You HAVE to schedule her NOW.  2) sigh.  The paperwork got lost in the mail.  I want to cry.
I feel myself getting very emotional, but hold it together and firmly tell the woman that I sent back the packet right after Christmas.  She will mail me another, or I can stop by and pick it up.  It’s Wednesday.  My goal is to have it back to them by the next day or Friday at the latest.  We make arrangements for me pick up the packet.  I hang up and then I start to cry.  I am upset with myself for not calling sooner.  For not listening to my gut.  But what can I do at this point.  Fill out another damn packet, that’s what.
I collect myself and make another call.  Within minutes, Jason calls from home.  Thankfully he was home with a sick kid and guess who called?  Dr. D’s office.  They found the packet.  And we have an appt for the second week of February.  I think they worked us in due to the snafu.
During this time, Ari has had a pretty good time dealing with her anxiety.  No major “episodes” as I call them.  I start to question myself and our decision.  Are we doing the right thing?  I remind myself that we’ve gone weeks before where things were good and then whammo.  Anxiety/worries/emotional instability strikes.  And of course, that is exactly what happened.  The week of the full moon, hell broke loose.  A week and a half of upheaval.  It was exhausting.  And it reminded me that while she may great days/weeks, she still manages this on a daily basis.
And here we are.  Almost to her appointment.  It’s supposed to be this next Thursday.  And Friday, she brings home an invitation.  Her class is putting on a play.  She’s playing “mouse” and wants us to be there.  The play is at 2:15pm.  Guess what time her appointment is?  2:00pm.  And just the mention that perhaps she may not be in the play and we’d have to talk with her teacher about sends her over the edge.  So, I will be calling Monday to reschedule her appointment.
sigh.  I’m guessing it will be another month or two before we get in.

Act

I just cannot seem to get my act together.  I have finally (and I think it’s final proof) come to realize that I completely and utterly suck at time management.
I am constantly running behind in the morning.   I am sure I look like a lunatic trying to get things together in the morning.  Many nights I try to get things together the night before; the kids school stuff, lunches, my bags for work.  Something that bothers me is that I am usually the only one doing this.  My husband is not really a prepare the night before kind of person.  But we so both need to be.  This morning was bad, and we knew it would be bad going on with some extracurriculars happening this morning.
My time management at work as been nil.  I could use another 40 hours this week just for that.  I’m starting to really fall behind and being gone last week 3 days out of the week did not help.  Bah.
So, I have the opportunity to take an online course on Time Management.  But it’s 4 hours long.  Where do I find 4 hours to schedule that in?  Or do I just say, screw it and do it one morning next week?

2010 52 Book Challenge

So close and yet so far away.  I crammed in quite a few books at the end, but still fell short.  I’m hoping to achieve the 52 books in 2011.  Here is my list for 2010:
41. Lover Mine by J.R. Ward
40. Lover Avenged by J.R. Ward
39. Lover Enshrined by J.R. Ward
38. Lover Unbound by J.R. Ward
37. Lover Revealed by J.R. Ward
36. Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward
35. Lover Eternal by J.R. Ward
34. Dark Lover by J.R. Ward
33. The Rest of Her Life by Laura Moriarty
32. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
31. Promises in Death by J.D. Robb
30. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
29. The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordon
28. The Titan’s Curse by Rick Riordon
27. The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordon
26. Comeback by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontane
25. The Brazen Bride by Stephanie Laurens
24. The Reckless Bride by Stephanie Laurens
23. The Untamed Bride by Stephanie Laurens
22. Autobiography of a Fat Bride by Laurie Notaro
21. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
20. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
19. I Love Everybody (And other white lies) by Laurie Notaro
18. We Thought You Would Be Prettier by Laurie Notaro
17. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
16. How to Be Cool by Johanna Edward
15. Ten THings I Love About You by Julia Quinn
14. Married by Morning by Lisa Kleypas
13. The Keepsake by Tess Gerritsen
12. The Elusive Bride by Stephanie Laurens
11. Kindred in Death by JD Robb
10. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
9. notes left behind – 135 days with Elena by Brooke & Keith Desserich
8. Someone To Watch Over me by Lisa Kleypas
7. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
6. At Last Comes Love by Mary Balough
5. The Lightening Thief by Rick Riordan
4. Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
3. Testimony by Anita Shreve
2. Sam’s Letters to Jennifer by James Patterson
1. The Tenth Circle by Jodi Piccoult

2011 Meme

2011 Meme

Once in a while I find myself wanting to partake in meme-goodness.  Not sure why, but I do.  So with some encouragement and the meme from Aunt Becky, here is my 2011 Meme.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Had sex with a stranger
Um, nope.  I didn’t kiss a stranger either.  Or do anything else with a stranger. Perhaps that needs to be on my bucket list or resolutions for the year.  Seriously though, there isn’t really anything that comes to mind that I hadn’t done before.  I guess 2010 was a boring year in that regard.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
See previous post.  I made goals for 2010 and many of them remain on the list.  See upcoming post for 2011 goals.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
We’ve had some new babies in the family, but no one super close to me had a sprite this year.  I enjoy the babies, but it’s oh so wonderful to give them back once they cry or shite in their pants.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.  We won’t go to the place where I wished someone dead however.

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Time.  Energy.  And more time.

6. What countries did you visit?
I dreamed of other countries, does that count?

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
June 5th – Promise Walk day, awesome and emotional altogether
Nov 2nd – the day WI went red
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Working with my daughter to combat her anxieties and low self-esteem.  We still have miles to go, but we are well on our way.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taking care of myself in so many ways.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a lovely and most enjoyable bout with pneumonia in early November.  That rocked.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A house.  And my iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Great question.  On occasion it would be my kidlets or the husband. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The idiots that I work with at my day job, how some people chose to live their life amazes me.  And at times, it feels like no matter what change I help bring about, some will never choose a better path or to not hurt others.

14. Where did most of your money go?
This year, it went to a house.  And some crap to go in it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My house.  And a trip that never came to fruition unfortunately.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
BeenerKeKee
This guy will always remind me of this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Honestly, probably sadder.  But more hopeful.

ii. thinner or fatter? Hands down, fatter.  Awesome.

iii. richer or poorer? Richer and poorer.  We’ve got that mortgage to pay, but we’ve also paid our other debt waaaay the fuck down.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogged.  Read books.  Hang with the kidlets.  Dance.  Hang with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work.  Worry.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas is over and planning 2011 Christmas is a bit in advance for me.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
Aunt Becky threw in her own question here.  I guess I will do the same.
What is the most embarrassing CD/Album you’ve ever owned? O-Town

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yep.  I heart my iPhone.

23. How many one-night stands?
Is that a new piece of furniture?  Unfortunately, my hoochie-coochie is too old and dusty for that sort of thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Castle.  Nathan Fillon is wonderful.  And I’ve had a thing for him since he was on All My Children.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word, but yes I do.  Or at least something close to hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
Coming Back by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontaine.  A heartbreaking journey of a family who’s daughter became a heroin addict.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brandi Carlisle Her music is haunting and delightful.  And I had the opportunity to see her in concert this year, which was rockin’ fantabulous!

28. What did you want and get?
I’ll stick with my age old 2011 meme reply….a house.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Avatar

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday, I think.  It was obviously very memorable.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Vacation.  To. Anywhere.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
More jewelry

34. What kept you sane?
Not quite sure I am sane.  But usually when I downslide, that husband of mine helps me through things.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I strongly fancy me some Matt Damon, Brad Pitt. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
There are a few, but reproductive choice is one of my biggies.  Currently, it’s the blanket thought out there by some that state employees are the reason our state is bankrupt and are lazy.  Those people get a big “F-U” from me on that one.

37. Who did you miss?
My friend D, who rocks.  My grandpa, who hasn’t been with us for a long time.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Not many new people this year for me personally.  I will grandfather in my work husband, Sep.  Although we met two years ago, he started working in my office this year which has been fun and entertaining.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Stop sweating the small stuff.  Let things go.
Oh wait, I’m still learning those.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
C-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” and Bruno Mars “Just the Way You Are”