The wanting of a baby when you are trying to conceive is so strong. And then when the month comes to an end and the telltale sign that you did not conceive arrives, the wanting is heartbreaking. When we were attempting to become pregnant with our second child, we experienced that wanting. The longing and the wanting for a child. Infertily starts to overwhelm you and at times can seem that your existence becomes solely wrapped around getting pregnant.
Infertily transforms who you are. I thought I was pretty laid back about becoming pregnant, and with us getting pregnant with Ariana on the first try, not getting pregnant was not really forefront in my mind. It quickly came to the front. To traverse the highs and lows of infertily is a long and winding road. A journey that others cannot understand unless they've experienced that wanting themselves.
I was angry. Angry that my body is not working as it should and has betrayed me again. To have suffered from severe preeclampsia and the guilt that came with that, and then to not be able to get pregnant once we took that leap...I hated my body. A woman's body is made to become pregnant, stay pregnant for 10 months, and give birth. When something happens to interrupt that cycle, you feel as if you are faulty. Something in you is broken and you don't know how to fix it.
We experienced unexplained secondary fertility. While we were dealing with the monthly up's and down's, we also had to remain mindful that we had a child with us that we needed to care for. The disappoint can be difficult to hide to an attentive child. You are thankful for the child you already have, but the longing for a sibling for that child remains.
Many do not know how to express their wellwishes to you. They say things that they do not know are hurtful. You feel as though you cannot express yourself to your friends and family as they cannot fathom what you are feeling. After a while you just don't mention that you are attempting to conceive. It just seems better that way. No one can say something that will cause you pain if you don't share.
Infertily sucks. Plain and simple. The range of emotions that a person goes through each month are exhausting. The hope builds and then crashes. You try to tell yourself that it's okay and we'll just try next month again. But the pain is real and it deserves to be recognized. Each month the emotions seem to be stronger than the last month.
Each month you are left wanting...