Remembering

I was able to see my neighbor's new granddaughter this evening. She is just over two weeks old. She seemed so tiny. I have a difficult time remembering when my kids were that small. They are growing by leaps and bounds, it's hard to remember that 4lb guppy and 5lb6oz little guy we waited for. And while I found this new baby so small, she is over 7lbs. Sheis over 2-3lbs bigger than my kids were at birth. I try to hang on to the memories of their size and their beginnings, and thankfully through photos and birth stories, etc I can attempt to do so.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I had already gotten Phoenix's baby photos out before visiting with the neighbors and was reminiscing over how beautiful my babies were.

Ariana
Born at 34w5d
4lbs 17inches


Phoenix
Born at 37w
5lbs6oz 17 1/2 inches


My babies.

Why I love Disney

We have been asked many times how can we keep going back to Disney. For me, it's simple. It's a fairytale place where anyone's dreams can come true and everyone is a tourist. It's my happy place, and I instantly feel like I am at home when I visit. We try to experience new restaurants each visit and there are attractions/water parks/etc that we haven't done yet. I still experience the same amount of joy walking into a park that I did years ago. To see the changes taking place, some good, some not so good. To meet new people. We enjoy hanging out at the resort.

The anticipation of seeing our children's faces when they see the castle for the first time. Ariana is already going bonkers that she gets to go to Disney World, and it's so fun to see her excited.

And for reasons such as these:





Do we want to visit other places. Yes, by all means. But there is a special place in my heart for Disney.

A newborn's conversation with God...

I got this through email from a friend last week and I fell in love with it. I am not deeply religious and have my own private views on religion, but this was too beautiful not to share.

A newborn's conversation with God...

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel wil l tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next
to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, "You will simply call her, "Mom."

Camping Trip #1 of 2007

Jason and I took the kids camping this last weekend. My god, did they have fun. Both my kids are waterbabies and I am so thankful they love the water. It was a fun weekend with great weather.

Friday morning Ariana wakes up and comes running into our bedroom, "Wake up! It's time to go camping!" This is how excited she is. We pulled out of the driveway around 10am and she was nonstop "Let's go" the entire time. We went for ice cream once we got upnorth and Phoenix was hilarious. I got strawberry cheesecake, Ariana got bubblegum, and Jason got black forest. Phoenix was eating Jason's ice cream, and I gave him a taste of mine. He wrinkled up his nose, and pushed it away. He only wanted daddy's ice cream. I would try to give him more and he'd shake his head no. It was too cute.

The majority of our time was spent at the beach. We snagged a beach side campsite when we booked and it's so worth it! We took some nice walks, saw lots of dragonflies, and ate some yummy camp food.

Ariana was very sad to come home, but was cheered when we told her we'd be back camping in a month.

Ah, it's fun to go camping. But it's so wonderful to come home to my own shower. ;)

Why blog?

I'm not sure what my intentions were when I started this blog last year. To be honest, I'm not sure what they are now. I know I like having someplace to share things or use as a diary of sorts. Is that narcissistic? I'm sure some may view blogs that way. I use the computer pretty much daily, so to utilize it in a diary fashion just makes sense to me. Do I post deep, dark secrets? Nope, you're out of luck. ;) I may share something very personal, but usually save the top secret stuff for myself.

Jason asked last night if I have people read my blog. My response, "It's more for my benefit than someone elses." Yes, I know I have a few people who check in (but never comment--you know who you are) and Jen, my wonderful friend Jen, comments when she comes to visit. Do I want to flood this page with the masses? Uh,uh, too much traffic then. I use this to organize some thoughts and whatnot. If you don't like what I'm posting, then don't read. I'm doing this for me.

It's also nice to have my own blogger account for using when I post comments on someone elses blog. I have to admit that I've developed a hankering for blog reading. There are a few that I check every other day, and some weekly, etc.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by if you did. I do hope you come out of the woodwork and at least post a "hi" as a comment someday.

WAT Update

Here are some totals for the 2007 Preeclampsia Foundation Walk-a-thon:

**WI members raised just under $3000.

**With 10 organized walks around the country, a total of $46,811.29 has been raised as of early June.


Huge THANK YOU to all who donated and supported us with our efforts!!!

Countdowns

326

We have 326 days until we leave for Walt Disney World for my SIL's wedding. I booked our airfare today and snagged a terrific price!

Be a life saver

As of this moment, there are 96,836 people awaiting a organ on the donation list per the Organ & Donor site.

There is a page there on how to become an organ donor, please check it out. If you want to be an organ donor upon your death, please let your family know now. Sign your driver's license, fill out the donor card, etc.

When my grandfather passed away in 1994, he had several organs donated. I imagined his retinas went to another grandpa who couldn't see his grandkids. Another organ went to a little boy who couldn't walk and now could. Imagining this helped me through the grief process.

Our nephew was born with kidney issues, and needed a kidney transplant in his first year of life. He will be on medication the rest of his life.

There are so many lives that could be saved. Please, please consider organ donation.

Ugh

Why is it that as soon as you change your child, they poop in the fresh diaper? Those things cost money buddy!

Can't resist

Lost and Found

I got news this week of something very cool. My uncle had given up a child 22 years ago. He was 19, seperated from his wife, dad to a 1yo, and a woman he was with got preggers. She wanted to give the baby up and he didn't. But under pressure he signed the papers. Well, her adoptive mother called my dad this week looking for his brother. Wow. "K" as I'll call her, is now 22 years old and is looking to connect with her biological parents. It sounds as if she's lived a great life with her adoptive family and they love her very much.

So, he is calling her today to talk. How cool is that? They've been searching for him for the last year apparently, and now a connection will be made again. I hope the phone call goes well, and they plan a meet. What a shock to get that phone call, huh? But a good shock.

------------------------

Well, my parents have both brought up something about how it would possibly affect me. Or something of that nature. I'm not sure if they are wondering if I ever wanted to meet my biological father's family, or worried that I'll be bothered by this situation. I'm not. Let's get one thing straight. That man is my sperm donor, nothing more. For those who don't know, my mom became pregnant with me as a teenager. He did not stick by her and caused some pretty awful things to happen. I guess he did come to see me in the hospital but that's about it. When I was younger, I did wonder about him. But never really felt a strong pull that I should *know* him. I always felt that if I wasn't wanted back then, then shit on him. Does that sound like unresolved anger? It may, but I really don't care. I know his name and where his parents live.

What I have wanted in the past is a medical history. I have a entire half of my biology that I know almost nothing about. And with the strong heart disease on my mom's side, it would be nice to know if I'm looking at a double whammy from the genetics department.

But as for meeting him and his family. Nope, do want to. They had their chance and they lost it. I'm sure I have half siblings out there too. There was a brief period when I was more just pondering the fact that I have this whole other biological family out there. It's just a fact of my life, and it's part of who I am today. I grew up in a single parent home, living on assistance, and my mom working late night and really growing up with me. It sucked at times, but it helped shape me. I know what it's like to have to pay for food with food stamps, not know where your next meal is coming from, or to be excited to get a new pair of pants only to learn that most people don't shop at Goodwill. For me, a one parent family was my life. Some people had dads and some didn't. I've never regretted not knowing my bio father and I don't intend to.

I have a dad who loves me and my mom. He came into our lives when I was 11. He is my dad in every way, shape, and form. He was there to drive me to a friends house in high school when a boyfriend broke up with me and gave me tissues. He was there to walk me down the aisle. He has always been there for me. I think that if I didn't have him, I may feel differently about my bio father. Thank you to him for coming into our lives.

June 12th

is a good day to have a baby. I know of three babies born on Tuesday. And that was my due date with Phoenix last year. What a great day to have a baby.

"Just"

Last year I was managing client appointments, court appearances, walk-ins, meetings, etc. Fastfoward a few months and I'm managing diapers, bottles, house chores, etc. Ta-da, I'm a stay at home mom.

I do believe staying home with my kids is the best decision for us right now. Do I miss work? You betcha! I miss feeling like I'm doing something important. Does that mean that I don't think being with my kids is important? Nope, they are important. It's just that I miss being a professional who has another person count on them for more than just wiping their butt. I try to stay involved with things important to me, but there just isn't enough time some days. Now, I love not having to get up early and be anywhere by a certain time. But I also miss not having a workplace to go to. Stay at home moms don't have a commute to and from work. We don't get a lunch break, or technically ever go off duty.

Sometimes I say, "Oh, I just stay at home." Why do I put just in the sentence? I think it's because some people think that the life of a stay at home mom is boring and tedious. We can watch whatever we want on tv, eat when we want, and have this life of luxury. But let me tell you, my job as a stay at home mom is just as difficult as working as a professional was. "Just" being a mom is hard work.

Being a stay at home mom is not generally valued as much as being out in the work force by some. But I would ask any person who says "Oh she's just a stay a home mom" to give it a try. Try taking care of children 24/7 while juggling all the rest of the things an adult has to do. It's much more difficult than one thinks. You can't just put your kids in front of the tv every day and do whatever you want. (Although, there are days when a good movie is necessary) When you are working around nap time, lunch, potty breaks, etc...it can be hard to schedule things.

Recognize that what a mom (any mom, SAHM or working) does is important and in many cases, she is the glue that holds everything together. Sure, having verbal appreciation is nice and every mom needs that. Help out around the house (just don't expect mom to praise you and say thanks--do you to her?) Give her a few moments peace. Put the kids to bed for her so she can take a bubble bath. Okay, I know some moms (including me) will use this time to get something else done. This is where the partner needs to be a bit forceful and say, "This is YOU time, not do the dishes time or whatever." Remember, she's not just a mom. She's a woman with needs and feelings.

I'm running out of steam here, so I'm going to excuse myself to go eat bon-bons and watch soaps. Oh, I mean, I'm going to go play with my kids. ;)

Expectations

No matter what we do, we have expectations of people. We expect family members to call or stop by, friends to get together, etc. What if the expectations are not met? Who's problem is it?

Well, of course, it's the person with the expectations. But are there certain expectations that come along with being a family member, or a friend to someone? What happens when one person feels continually shut down? What if one says, "no one keeps in touch," but yet that person never replies to emails or phone messages?

I've learned that there are certain people in which I have had to lower the expectations I place upon them. Of course, that begs the question of should I even be making an expectation?

I'm trying to remember that communication is a two-way street and it takes more than one person to hold a conversation. But at what point, do you stop attempting a conversation? And how do you remedy that decision in your head? Or in your heart?

Funk

I'm in a total blog funk. Ugh.

Great work

My friend's husband is a photographer and is tremendously talented, in my opinion. Check him out at Robert Michael Photography I would have loved to have a maternity session done with him while pregnant with Phoenix. I'm hoping to do a family session sometime soon.

Wanting

The wanting of a baby when you are trying to conceive is so strong. And then when the month comes to an end and the telltale sign that you did not conceive arrives, the wanting is heartbreaking. When we were attempting to become pregnant with our second child, we experienced that wanting. The longing and the wanting for a child. Infertily starts to overwhelm you and at times can seem that your existence becomes solely wrapped around getting pregnant.

Infertily transforms who you are. I thought I was pretty laid back about becoming pregnant, and with us getting pregnant with Ariana on the first try, not getting pregnant was not really forefront in my mind. It quickly came to the front. To traverse the highs and lows of infertily is a long and winding road. A journey that others cannot understand unless they've experienced that wanting themselves.

I was angry. Angry that my body is not working as it should and has betrayed me again. To have suffered from severe preeclampsia and the guilt that came with that, and then to not be able to get pregnant once we took that leap...I hated my body. A woman's body is made to become pregnant, stay pregnant for 10 months, and give birth. When something happens to interrupt that cycle, you feel as if you are faulty. Something in you is broken and you don't know how to fix it.

We experienced unexplained secondary fertility. While we were dealing with the monthly up's and down's, we also had to remain mindful that we had a child with us that we needed to care for. The disappoint can be difficult to hide to an attentive child. You are thankful for the child you already have, but the longing for a sibling for that child remains.

Many do not know how to express their wellwishes to you. They say things that they do not know are hurtful. You feel as though you cannot express yourself to your friends and family as they cannot fathom what you are feeling. After a while you just don't mention that you are attempting to conceive. It just seems better that way. No one can say something that will cause you pain if you don't share.

Infertily sucks. Plain and simple. The range of emotions that a person goes through each month are exhausting. The hope builds and then crashes. You try to tell yourself that it's okay and we'll just try next month again. But the pain is real and it deserves to be recognized. Each month the emotions seem to be stronger than the last month.

Each month you are left wanting...

W sucks

Okay, we live in very close proximity to the W store. You know what store I'm talking about, right? The big chain who has superstores all over the country, the blue store. So, since we live to darn close I sometimes go there rather than drive to another part of town for the nice red T store. I try to purchase more of my stuff at T even if I pay a bit more for it there. But sometimes it's just easier to run into W. Even if most of the employees are rude, the store is dirty, and the people who shop there are selfabsorbed they can't move their friggin' cart over.

So, two days ago after running some errands (Kohls, Sams) I ran into W to pick up diapers. That is all I really needed. So we get a cart, run through the book/magazine aisle where I pick up a magazine. I'm making my way back to the baby area and of course, Ariana announces she needs to go pee. So we schlep back to the restrooms. I get Phoenix out of the cart, and I briefly think of leaving her blanket in the cart, but I didn't. We go potty and come out. No cart. It's gone. Now I had a magazine and a candle in it. I ask the employee who was standing right there and she says, "I don't know I didn't see anyone take it." Um, okay. "Did you have items in it?" "Yes." "Oh, I don't know." So I ask if they have any carts back here so I don't have to hoof it up to the front of the store for another cart. "Nope" and gives me a dirty look like I was asking for a miracle. To which I grab Ariana's hand and loudly say, "This is another reason why I hate this fucking store!" Yes, I swore in front of my kids. But I was so pissed! Can't you see that I have two kids with me? And now I have to lug them back up to get another cart? That's great customer service. You could at least act like you care somewhat.

I got another cart, got the diapers, and got in line to check out. Somehow the line for checking out is always so long, I spend more time in line than I did in the store shopping. I was never so happy to get out of that freakin' store. And I'm pledging not to go back in for a while. I'll get my damn diapers from T, even if I have to drive 5 miles to get there.