Quick Check In

Hey there, sorry I've been slacking lately. I haven't had extra time to come up with a good post, and quite frankly I don't want to make a lame one. (Like this one). But I wanted you to know that I'm alive. And I've got some thoughts running around in my head. I'm hoping to visit blogs in the coming days.

Oye

Today was a bit more rough at drop-off. He clung to me and did not want me to leave. As I walked out the door he was screaming and crying "mommy." It was really fucking hard to keep walking, and needless to say I cried more than two blocks today.

sigh. I hope tomorrow goes better. I'm not the only freakazoid mommy who's been this emotional am I? Please tell me those of you who have been through this that there were days like this too. I'm feeling a bit fragile this week and could use the encouragement. If you were super mom and left without it being hard, lie to me please.

More Fall Fun

Only Two Blocks Worth

Phoenix was so excited to head to "school" this morning. He was off and running when we walked into the room. It came close to me begging for a kiss & hug as he was too busy exploring and having fun. I think leaving without some lovin' from my buddy would have broke my heart. Thankfully, with some encouragement from his teacher, he came running with his arms wide open and those lovely slobbery lips. I made it out the door and to the van, all the while my throat is constricting and I'm blinking back the tears. I had parked near the big window in their room and he was there waving goodbye to me. I waved and blew him kisses, and got some in return. After three air kisses and five waves, I figured I'd better drive off or I'd never leave. (well, I would have eventually) That's when I let the tears fall. The tears lasted two blocks worth and then I was done.

He's my little man. My buddy who calls out for "mommy" when he's hurt or scared. Who gives big squishy hugs and wet sloppy kisses. And while I'm enjoying my free time over the next couple days before I start work, I miss him.

I've only thought about Phoenix, oh, at least once an hour. Hoping he's being a good boy and listening well, and having a blast. I think this is so much harder as it's another goodbye to the days of young babyhood for me. There will be no more babies or toddlers for our family. I'm returning to work for, conceivably, many moons to come. I also know the day is coming when I will have to beg for that hug & kiss, when he says I'm embarrassing him, etc. While some of the days have seems like years, the years have passed all too quickly. I told myself to cherish the little things and enjoy the moments when they were babes. I know there have been times that I have not listened to that and it makes me sad for those lost moments. I know I can never get them back, but I can make a much better effort in the future.

I know our family is changing now with the start of school for Ariana, and Phoenix starting daycare. My children don't need me 24/7 and while there are moments I'm incredibly thankful for that, it still makes me sad. I want them to be self-reliant, responsible, respectful, and know that they have two parents who love them endlessly. I want to show my daughter that women can be smart and independent. I want my son to know that he can grow up to be a wonderful man who cherishes those he loves. I want my children to grow up knowing they can be anything they can be. Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

So, while I may have gotten emotional writing this, I'm happy to report that I only cried for two blocks worth so far.

Preeclampsia Video

Please take a couple minutes to check out the Preeclampsia Foundation video put out this month. Thanks!

Adventure

I know my new job will be an adventure and I am looking forward to it. For the most part.

My heart is already aching at the thought of leaving my family for days in a row for 7 weeks. Due to other hormonal influence, at least that's what I'm blaming it on, I've been weepy just thinking about it. Getting Ariana onto the bus, and picking her up makes me tear up. And knowing that Phoenix will be in daycare now in a couple days is also causing the eyes to swell. Holding my husband tight causes my throat to constrict and want to never let go. I'm not so great at goodbyes and I know I'm sure I'll sob like a baby come time to leave. I'm twitching just thinking about it.

It's always a little nerve wracking when you start a new job and this is no different. Can I do this, will I do a good enough job, etc....the questions we've all had. Do I have enough freaking clothes for the first couple weeks? Will I make it through 7 weeks of having a roomie without wanting to strangle her at some point? You know, things like that.

This is THE job I've been waiting for. And while I am a bit nervous and scared, I'm excited for the new adventure.

Oh Crap

The smallest halfing has been running around this week saying, "Oh, crap." At appropriate times too. And while I'm proud he knows how to use it at the correct time, it does make me cringe as I just know that will be one of the first things he says at daycare next week.

I don't say "crap" and neither does Jason. Hmmm, where did he get it from then? Drum roll please...................grandma! Yes, my mother has apparently said "oh crap" rather than "oh shit." And my child, of course, picked that up.

Crap is better than a lot of other words, but none of them could reflect well on our parenting skills. But there's a part of me that says screw it, who cares. He could say mean things like "I hate you" or "you suck". Not sure where he'd pick those up though, so of course he doesn't know those phrases.

I know my child is not the only one who shares these lovely words, so what does your little one say?

Leaves & Other Fall Fun

Odd Question

Have you thought about what type of memorial service you'd like to have when you die? I know it's rather morbid, but logistically I'd like to know what my hubby wants should something happen to him. I know a person is dead and can't complain, but I think the memorial should reflect the person.

My mom mentioned the other day she'd love to have a song about The Reaper played, but wondered if that would be too morbid for some. I say, play what you want. If they truly know you, then your loved ones shouldn't care.

It's something I've thought about, but haven't really put down on paper. I know I should.

So, do you have something in mind or is there something you'd "roll over in your grave" about if your loved one planned for your funeral?

Here's a much lighter post

I don't think I've posted these before. Even if I did...they are worth the second look. This is my child. My special child. We were goofing around with a pair of tanning goggles and I couldn't resist pulling out the camera.

One of the reasons I will not vote for John McCain

**This will be a hot topic with a hot button. I'm sure I'll get crap for it privately, but I'm so upset right now I just have to write to get it out. Judgemental comments, rude comments, etc will be deleted.

Screw you McCain. You say that the "health of the mother" crap has been stretched by the Pro-Abortion movement. Fuck you asshole, let me introduce you to women who have had to make that awful decision due to it being detrimental to their health. One who was told if she had that baby, she could plan on leaving her other children motherless. One who was told, it's your life or your babies, one of which had already died in the womb. Guess what. It's 2008 and women can still DIE from pregnancy related complications. I won't even go into the women who've I worked with who had an abortion or chose to take Plan B after being raped.

I am NOT pro-abortion. I am pro-choice. I do not want anyone telling me that I cannot make a decision regarding my health privately with my doctor. Especially someone who has never has been and never can get pregnant. Should I get a say in whether or not you get a health care procedure or medication? I'm not saying that women should run out and have an abortion. I'm saying that the option needs to be available for those that need it. Especially in the cases where the health of the mother is at stake.

The number of late term abortions is small compared to the overall number of abortions nationwide, and those cases are due to the health of the mother or baby. Who the hell decides in the middle of their pregnancy, oh I just don't want it so I'll have an abortion? Christ, get a grip. Why don't you talk with someone who actually had an abortion and find out why without passing judgement. The number of women who get abortions as a form of "easy" birth control are so much fucking lower than all the pro-life websites say they are. Do you know how much shit a woman has to go through to have an abortion? It's definitely not easy. And that's not touching the emotional side of it.

So I say fuck you John McCain. Would you care to talk face to face with the women who you are condemning for having that "horrendous procedure?" Maybe have a town hall meeting with those scarlet women who've had abortions?

sigh. I feel somewhat better now. I apologize to my regular readers, for ranting in a way that I most definitely do not do very often. This is something that touched me as I know women who have had to make the most difficult decision of their lives. At a moment when they need compassion and love, they are condemned and have to grieve in private for the most part.

Future Heart Breaker

Okay, this one might be a deal breaker, not a heart breaker.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day . For all those moms who've lost their babies, my heart aches for you.

Inspiration for today

"Don't let what you can't do get in the way of what you can do."

by John Wooden

HFH update & other going ons

It's quick for me this morning. I'm heading out of the weekend to join some of my Disney pals from Passporter for our annual Mall of America meet. We've been doing it for 6 years. We'll have some good eats, great laughs, and lots of scrapbooking happening.

Hot for the Holidays - Totally sucked this week. I'm up two pounds. sigh. I can't really complain as I was NOT well behaved at all this week. I'm trying to remember that overall I'm down 10+ pounds from last year, but that didn't help when I got on the scale this morning.

I had something I had planned on writing about and thought about it last night while laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. But hot damn, I can't remember what it's about now. Crap.

I did see something rather disturbing in the last day or two. Something that really made me pause and wonder if true unity can ever be found in this country again. I plan to write a bit more about it, but alas...no time today.

Also, got a give a shout out to my friend Dawn. Happy Birthday my friend. I love you lots!!


Okay, see you all after the weekend!

What did you say?

Ariana and I had a very titillating conversation on the way home from school today. At one point, she tells me that Phoenix will be in lots of trouble when he's older. I ask why. She replies, "Because he's got a penis." Oh boy, where did she hear that from. Hmmm....I wonder. (I sometimes blame male stupidity on the penis factor, so it could be me. *red-faced*) Then she asks how long a boy has a penis. "Um, forever."

The kicker is her next question as I'm laughing already....

"What happens to a boy's penis when he dies?"

Seriously, that was her question. I was trying to come up with a logical answer, and without laughing too hard. She was quite persistent and I admitted that I hadn't seen a dead penis before so I didn't know. Then I told her to ask her grandma.

I can't wait for that question to pop up with grandma. I just know it will. And I can't wait for grandma's answer.

Prematurity Petition

The March of Dimes has a Petition For Preemies , urging our government for more funding on prematurity research. Please visit the MOD to find out more information and to sign the petition.

Thank you,
Just one of a million mom's to a premature child

It Makes Me Feel Like Dancin'

This past Saturday, I participated in our local women's shelter block party as a belly dance performer. I was pretty nervous since there were SO many faces I knew in the crowd, but I guess I did alright. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and this block party kicks off the organization's month of events. It was awesome to give back in a very different way than I have previously for the agency. Krista is the other belly dancer, my instructor and friend.

He's going to be not so happy with me for this...

But I can't resist.

Pu-leeze

I'm entering the politcal foray again briefly tonight. Serious, could either of them answer a fucking question without this "he said" bullshit. Tell me YOUR plan to fix things. Don't tell me shit about the other person. This debate is running like a long ass TV commercial. Stop acting like four year olds and grow the hell up. I may be an idealist, but when you candidates promised a clean campaign...I stupidly fell for it. They are saying the same shit from previous debates, previous stumps, etc. I am watching to perhaps learn something new about both of you candidates, not hear the same crap spouting off again. Stop the recycled garbage and give us new information/material/details. Please.

sigh. This election cannot be here soon enough for me.

I'm a geek

I'm totally excited for McD's Monopoly game to start tomorrow. This is the one thing I get hyped over at McD's. I have no clue why. I just like to play it. Which means I have to eat it. sigh. That's not a good equation is it? *wink* I'll try and control myself.

There's that small hope that I could win some cash. Doesn't $25,000 sound good? Of course, if I win it's usually a frickin' hash brown. Or better yet, an Egg McMuffin, which I don't eat and have to give away to my other half.

Do you have anything like this that you get excited for that is really kind of lame?

Take Two Minutes

Please consider taking two minutes to head over to Squidoo to vote for the Preeclampsia Foundation (or your favorite charity). They are giving away $80,000 by Oct 15th. Each vote is worth $2 and you may only vote once.

Thank you.

ETA: I checked the website this morning and Squidoo has reached their $80,000 giveaway overnight. All votes until Oct 15th are now for bragging rights only.

Even the peppers were afraid of Jason's chili

Happy October

Can you believe it's October? Where the hell has this year gone?

October is
Breast Cancer Awareness Month...

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Columbus Day (why are we celebrating the man who helped bring syphillis to this country?)

It's also National Infertility Awareness month and SIDS (Sudden Infant Death) Awareness Month. It's also Pharmacist's Month...Thank you pharmacists for giving us drugs!

We've got a couple birthdays this month and I start my job in a few weeks. What do you have going on this month?

The Mommy Brigade

I like to say that although I drive a minivan, I don't drive or act like I own a minivan. I've always known there were THOSE moms. The ones who look you over when they meet you and your child, that discuss their child's lives like a soap opera, they drive minivans or SUV's like it's their second home. I became very close to what I call the "mommy brigade" when Ariana went to Safety City. All these minivans, SUV's, and cool station wagons (are those every really cool?) pulled in. Myself included with my lovely burgundy Venture. Then the mom's and children started piling out and into the building. Mom's who know each other wave and start chatting about how their summer is going and whatnot. And the cliques are happening while our kids are out a fucking two hour safety class. I came into the building with no makeup on, my hair in a ponytail, and shorts with a Cher t-shirt. The mommy brigade all wore capri's in like color with a white or light colored non-descript shirt. I'm not kidding when I say they ALL had the SAME hairstyle, the bob that barely brushes the shoulders. Each of their children are in picture perfect clothing that all matches and their hair is combed and styled with lots of frilly bows or gelled into a nice preppy look for the boys. Fine. I get that things needs to be perfect in their world. That's alright with me. Just don't expect the same damn thing from me and my children.

My child has dressed herself that morning in an outfit that does not match if it's a two piece. Dresses are easy since it's just the one article of clothing. Pants or shorts with a shirt...well, you never know what she'll come up with. I love the fact that she marches to her own beat. But I also worry about it too. I want her to have the confidence in herself to say "screw the matching shit" and wear whatever. Do some of her combinations make me cringe? Sure they do. But I know that if I suggest another shirt or bottom, she'll get pissy. It's not worth the battle and if she likes it, who am I to say she can't wear it. Her hair is rarely in a pony and within an hour of brushing, it looks like a nest again since she is such a active fart. Oh well, I tell myself.

Back to the mommy brigade. That week passed quickly (thank god) and I didn't really think of the mommy brigade again until school started. Then the minivan, "perfect" moms arrive with their children and they group up and it becomes apparent that they are discussing all the kids (and parents) they don't know from 4K. What the fuck. Who gives a shit? Seriously. Who's child doesn't go and play right away, who cries when it's time to go, who listens the best. On and on, and on. Who fucking CARES! I quickly dropped that crap from my mind and onto our own little world did I go.

Until I went on a field trip last week with the kindergarten classes to the farmer's market. The parents were paired up with another parent and 5-7 kids per group. I got a mommy brigade mom. Perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect makeup, clothes...you get the picture. She asks the following questions in quick succession:
Which one is yours?
Does Ariana have a nickname or does she go by Ariana?
Did she go to 4K last year? (to which I say yes)
Oh, she must have been in the afternoon class? (yes)
I figured that since I don't recognize her from my daughter's class. She was in the morning. (well, duh I'm thinking)
What do you do?
What does your husband do?
Where do you live?

You get the picture. I felt like I was having a mommy interview. Each group was assigned a color and the kids had to find fruits & veggies in their color. We had six kids and guess who was asked to pick out the items first. This woman's daughter and her friends. Ariana and four of the other kids (all from the afternoon class) are ignored. And quite honestly, they didn't say anything so that may have been an issue as well. Finally, the kids got into a rotation so that each child had the opportunity to select an item. Afterward we were finished and heading back to the bus, the questions started up again. I was never so happy to get on a bus before. And when we arrived back at school and was preparing to leave, I passed the mom, smiled, and said goodbye. She looked at me (or at least I thought she did), turned her head and walked away. My first thought was that, ooops I must not have passed the test. Of course, I try to give the benefit of the doubt that she didn't hear or see me. But I think she did. She went over to the other moms she had been hanging out with in the beginning and the chatter started up.

Quite frankly, I try not to give a shit about crap like that. But I do. A small part of me still feels like I never quite fit in. Doesn't everyone want to feel included?

Another thing that came up with another mommy. I don't listen to children's music every time my kids are in the minivan. I grew up listening to my mom's music and I think it helped expand my listening opportunities. I had a friend, who does do the whole kids music thing all the time, mention music the other day when she heard what was in my CD player in the van. With Phoenix in it at the time. "Don't you listen to music for the kids when you drive?" Hell no, is what I really wanted to say. I said that no, we occasionally listened to a Disney CD, but that we listen to whatever while I drive. If it happens to be a soundtrack, or Metallica, or classical, that's what they listen to. I do try not to have lyrics that include swearing on while the kidlets are in the van, so if one of them says Fuck You, it's not from the music. It might be from a driver who just cut me off (no, I'm kidding, alright). If I listened to kid's music daily for more than an hour, I think I'd drive myself off the road.

I know I'm rambling, so I'll try to wrap this up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is perfect. Everyone has something that they'd die if others found out. No one's kids are perfect, all the time. If you wanted a perfect child, you should have stuck with a doll. It doesn't matter how much money you have, one can still be a rockin' rental unit if you don't have a lot of money. It doesn't matter if you spend every waking minute with your kids, thinking of your kids, doing something for you kids...those of us who don't are still good parents.

I'll leave this for now as I'm losing my train of thought as Phoenix bombards me with screaming requests for a second popsicle. Nice, huh. I feed my kid a popsicle to keep him occupied so I can write this up. *wink* Think of me today, tooling around in my minivan with Yoda at the helm (I'm serious, I have a Yoda up front with me) and Godsmack blazing from the speakers.