Saturday, December 31, 2011
Kiss my a$$, 2011
2011 was not my best year. Or our best year. Sure, there were some pretty awesome things. But there were also some shit things. I'm looking forward to a smashing 2012. Wishing you all a fantastic New Year! See you on the flip side.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
lost
i hate to be another downer post, but i need to get it out. i am lost. lost in how to help my children. i feel as if we are being pulled in a thousand different directions and still are no closer to answers. focusing on one more than the other over the last several months and wondering if that is kicking our asses now. i cannot even begin to describe the depth of emotion running through me this evening. just when i think we have crossed one hurdle another presents itself. and i do not know where to turn next. we literally have been missing at least 2-4 hours of work each week to take one child to therapy. and now we will have to get the other back into regular therapy, which adds more time. i 100% know it is necessary, but it does not make it any easier to swallow.
i am drowning. drowning in stress, drowning in being overwhelmed. and i am angry. so fucking angry. angry that i at times feel as if we just keep spinning our wheels. that we take a step forward and then two steps back. that i sometimes feel like i do not know how much more of myself i can give. that my partner has begun to fall back into old habits and i again feel alone.
work fucking sucks. i dread each morning i know i have to walk into that toxic environment. the job itself is not bad, but the management and decisions coming down from the higher ups stink, quite frankly. i had my ass smoozed, or at least attempted to be smoozed, at the end of the week and as i sat there addressing a few concerns i knew she was not truly hearing what i had to say. she responded with her pat answers that were meant to appease me and feel like she actually gives two shits about me as a person. and then i find out hours later that one of the issues i addressed she had info on and a decision has been made that fucks me at work, again. i am deciding how big of a war to wage and how far i can push things. i need a job to help provide financially for my family and to help my own sanity, but the stress of my current full-time employment is eating me alive and i am struggling with dealing with the stress of it.
the boy child has been going to therapy weekly and i can certainly appreciate the fact that he has made leaps & bounds improvement since summer, heck he is a different kid from the summer. but this week and last he is ramping back up and we have had struggles almost each day. he had a consult for a sleep study this past week and will have a sleep study done just before christmas. he also had a consult the other week with ent for tonsil & adenoid removal which was scheduled for the first week of dec. but the pedi neurologist would like the sleep study done prior to the t&a surgery, so that surgery has now been pushed off until early jan. we still have questions as to what is going on with him, why he does not sleep well, wondering if the night terrors will ever go away. on a brighter note, he has made tremendous progress with his behavior at school. i am crossing every body part i have in hopes that we have more answers come february. it has been his turn for the "one thing after another" ride and i am ready to get off the attraction anytime now.
the girl child has been doing well. at least up until a few weeks ago. she has started to have some sassiness and frustration edge back in. i thought perhaps it could be hormones starting to kick in, but we have seen an increase in the last week or so. she has been angry. she has been snotty. she has resorted to her animal noises so much lately. and if i ask her if anything is bothering her, she replies there is nothing. but in the last 24 hours, it has become very apparent that something is not right. she has a check in with the psychiatrist this week and we had planned to be discussing taking her off her meds come the new year, but at this point we intend to ask to keep her on and possibly raise her dose. which is not easy to think of doing, but if it needs to happen it will. she is lashing out at us and then retreats into her self blame. and it just fucking breaks my heart to witness.
j and i discussed how things are going tonight in regards to the kids. he stated he does not know what to do or how to handle things. i understand because i feel the same damn way every damn day. but i am also frustrated because i am the one still reading books and listening podcasts/audiobooks for tips on how to help our kids. he said he wonders at times if she has problems because of the way we raised her, if we did not provide good enough boundaries with her, etc. my gut reaction is to say "fuck that" but it is also in my mind. i constantly wonder if i passed along a genetic disposition to depression or if something got messed up due to my pregnancy. i feel like i did something to make this happen. i know logically that is untrue, but i still feel it.
i feel like a failure when i do not know how to help my kids. when they are struggling and in need and i have no answers. when i try and try and some days it seems to make no difference. and on those days when i am empty and can simply do nothing more than retreat myself. but i know that i am doing what i need to to help my kids. at times that is difficult to recall however.
i feel lost. that i do not know which end is up or what way to take next. decisions that are not difficult have become difficult. i am not sleeping well. definitely not eating well. managing stress is not my strong suit at this moment in my life. each day it becomes more and more laborious to put on the happy face and pretend like life is awesome or easy. i am losing my positivity which i hold so dear.
i am drowning. drowning in stress, drowning in being overwhelmed. and i am angry. so fucking angry. angry that i at times feel as if we just keep spinning our wheels. that we take a step forward and then two steps back. that i sometimes feel like i do not know how much more of myself i can give. that my partner has begun to fall back into old habits and i again feel alone.
work fucking sucks. i dread each morning i know i have to walk into that toxic environment. the job itself is not bad, but the management and decisions coming down from the higher ups stink, quite frankly. i had my ass smoozed, or at least attempted to be smoozed, at the end of the week and as i sat there addressing a few concerns i knew she was not truly hearing what i had to say. she responded with her pat answers that were meant to appease me and feel like she actually gives two shits about me as a person. and then i find out hours later that one of the issues i addressed she had info on and a decision has been made that fucks me at work, again. i am deciding how big of a war to wage and how far i can push things. i need a job to help provide financially for my family and to help my own sanity, but the stress of my current full-time employment is eating me alive and i am struggling with dealing with the stress of it.
the boy child has been going to therapy weekly and i can certainly appreciate the fact that he has made leaps & bounds improvement since summer, heck he is a different kid from the summer. but this week and last he is ramping back up and we have had struggles almost each day. he had a consult for a sleep study this past week and will have a sleep study done just before christmas. he also had a consult the other week with ent for tonsil & adenoid removal which was scheduled for the first week of dec. but the pedi neurologist would like the sleep study done prior to the t&a surgery, so that surgery has now been pushed off until early jan. we still have questions as to what is going on with him, why he does not sleep well, wondering if the night terrors will ever go away. on a brighter note, he has made tremendous progress with his behavior at school. i am crossing every body part i have in hopes that we have more answers come february. it has been his turn for the "one thing after another" ride and i am ready to get off the attraction anytime now.
the girl child has been doing well. at least up until a few weeks ago. she has started to have some sassiness and frustration edge back in. i thought perhaps it could be hormones starting to kick in, but we have seen an increase in the last week or so. she has been angry. she has been snotty. she has resorted to her animal noises so much lately. and if i ask her if anything is bothering her, she replies there is nothing. but in the last 24 hours, it has become very apparent that something is not right. she has a check in with the psychiatrist this week and we had planned to be discussing taking her off her meds come the new year, but at this point we intend to ask to keep her on and possibly raise her dose. which is not easy to think of doing, but if it needs to happen it will. she is lashing out at us and then retreats into her self blame. and it just fucking breaks my heart to witness.
j and i discussed how things are going tonight in regards to the kids. he stated he does not know what to do or how to handle things. i understand because i feel the same damn way every damn day. but i am also frustrated because i am the one still reading books and listening podcasts/audiobooks for tips on how to help our kids. he said he wonders at times if she has problems because of the way we raised her, if we did not provide good enough boundaries with her, etc. my gut reaction is to say "fuck that" but it is also in my mind. i constantly wonder if i passed along a genetic disposition to depression or if something got messed up due to my pregnancy. i feel like i did something to make this happen. i know logically that is untrue, but i still feel it.
i feel like a failure when i do not know how to help my kids. when they are struggling and in need and i have no answers. when i try and try and some days it seems to make no difference. and on those days when i am empty and can simply do nothing more than retreat myself. but i know that i am doing what i need to to help my kids. at times that is difficult to recall however.
i feel lost. that i do not know which end is up or what way to take next. decisions that are not difficult have become difficult. i am not sleeping well. definitely not eating well. managing stress is not my strong suit at this moment in my life. each day it becomes more and more laborious to put on the happy face and pretend like life is awesome or easy. i am losing my positivity which i hold so dear.
Labels:
life sucks,
me myself and i,
parenting the halfings
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
vacation happiness
this weeks happiness is brought to you by the letter a and the number 199.
a is for airlines.....flights are booked for our june vacay!!!
199 is for the number of days left to go until we take to the skies.
it is one of those weeks where the small things need to be celebrated.
a is for airlines.....flights are booked for our june vacay!!!
199 is for the number of days left to go until we take to the skies.
it is one of those weeks where the small things need to be celebrated.
Monday, November 14, 2011
weekend fun & happiness
we had our ups and downs this weekend, but we did get out for a fun walk and i snagged some photos....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
self portrait
The boy child apparently took a photo of himself while on the computer. I found it while going through my photos file. Gotta love that stink eye he's giving.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
facing fears & happiness
i have a fear of heights. and i just made reservations for june to go parasailing. nothing like hitting a fear head-on, right? i am hoping since it is at my happy place (aka. walt disney world) i will be able to handle this no problem. i am plan to take some awesome photos while enjoying my time in the sky. check out this video for a promo about it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
judging others
We all do it. Judging others. Even though we have the best of intentions, we do it. Today I was reminded of how cruel people could be and that just when you think you might know someone, they can surprise you. I know I have made comments about a friend named Karma for a few people, but to take delight in someone else's misfortune or unhappiness, I just cannot understand. I am struggling with life and the choices and challenges it presents us. I am unsure of what path to take and it is weighing heavily on my mind.
Labels:
judgement,
life sucks,
she works hard for the money,
work
quick happy
friday: an enjoyable evening with my husband and the boy child that included shopping and a meal out.
weekend happiness: no work. gut busting laughter with my kids. farts - hey, they are funny!
today: i am struggling with a positive mood today for many reasons. but i will fall back on my every monday happiness.....Castle night on tv. what a fun way to end a crappy day.
weekend happiness: no work. gut busting laughter with my kids. farts - hey, they are funny!
today: i am struggling with a positive mood today for many reasons. but i will fall back on my every monday happiness.....Castle night on tv. what a fun way to end a crappy day.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
dancing happiness
bellydance class this evening. total happiness and just what i needed. the current choreo is a bit challenging for me which is a good thing. a friend from work is attending this session and it's fun to see her having a good time trying something new.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
difficult week
it has been an interesting and difficult week so i have been sucking, to say the least, on posting for my little happiness project. the point was to think positively on a shitty day, but that has been difficult the last few days. i have been feeling way out of sorts and quite irritable. work sucks major ding dong. the kids have been just awesome...not. so here i am back on the bubble for happiness.
sunday/monday - shitty mood, but fun trick-or-treating with the kids
tuesday - took a day off for mental health, spent the majority of the daytime hours lounging and watching tv. pretty darn awesome. until the husband came home. that was not so awesome of an evening.
today - celebrating a new disney client! they are visiting the world in just over two weeks, nothing like a last minute trip to make one's children happy. ;) also got some news on a friend, he's having surgery next week to fix up his sinuses, or lack thereof i guess....but the really happy part is they don't have to remove his face to do the surgery. that is a totally a great thing!
-------------------------------------
life update as well...
P has continued to have weekly therapy sessions and we have all been impressed in the progress he's made. We've tried some techniques for sensory processing disorder, which we essentially are going to treat him as if he has. We worked with a weighted vest last week, which was quite the challenge, but we think having a weighted blanket will help him more. Project for the winter for me - making a weighted blanket since they cost usually over $100. We saw an ENT today to check out P's structure since he snores and moves so much during sleep. Tonsils are a good size and after a nifty x-ray, found out his adenoid is large as well....so a T&A is scheduled for December. (Seriously, how cool is it to say T&A for my son. Lame, I know but it made me chuckle) His pedi neuro appt is in two weeks, we'll are planning to still go for the consult and see what they say.
A has been well. Homework is usually no issue, but her mood seems to be more touchy lately. I'm hoping it is not the beginning of hormones or something like that. That is waaaaaaayyyy too early for me. She goes back to see the doc in a few weeks for a med check and we'll discuss weaning her off the meds in Jan, which makes me nervous as hell to think about.
Things between J and I have not been totally awesome of late. Life is a challenge these past 6 months and some days have been better than others. Moments of so many emotions have occurred and while the bad situations have sucked, it has enriched our relationship for the long term. So I imagine. Right now. Oh well. Partnership is a journey, right?
sunday/monday - shitty mood, but fun trick-or-treating with the kids
tuesday - took a day off for mental health, spent the majority of the daytime hours lounging and watching tv. pretty darn awesome. until the husband came home. that was not so awesome of an evening.
today - celebrating a new disney client! they are visiting the world in just over two weeks, nothing like a last minute trip to make one's children happy. ;) also got some news on a friend, he's having surgery next week to fix up his sinuses, or lack thereof i guess....but the really happy part is they don't have to remove his face to do the surgery. that is a totally a great thing!
-------------------------------------
life update as well...
P has continued to have weekly therapy sessions and we have all been impressed in the progress he's made. We've tried some techniques for sensory processing disorder, which we essentially are going to treat him as if he has. We worked with a weighted vest last week, which was quite the challenge, but we think having a weighted blanket will help him more. Project for the winter for me - making a weighted blanket since they cost usually over $100. We saw an ENT today to check out P's structure since he snores and moves so much during sleep. Tonsils are a good size and after a nifty x-ray, found out his adenoid is large as well....so a T&A is scheduled for December. (Seriously, how cool is it to say T&A for my son. Lame, I know but it made me chuckle) His pedi neuro appt is in two weeks, we'll are planning to still go for the consult and see what they say.
A has been well. Homework is usually no issue, but her mood seems to be more touchy lately. I'm hoping it is not the beginning of hormones or something like that. That is waaaaaaayyyy too early for me. She goes back to see the doc in a few weeks for a med check and we'll discuss weaning her off the meds in Jan, which makes me nervous as hell to think about.
Things between J and I have not been totally awesome of late. Life is a challenge these past 6 months and some days have been better than others. Moments of so many emotions have occurred and while the bad situations have sucked, it has enriched our relationship for the long term. So I imagine. Right now. Oh well. Partnership is a journey, right?
Friday, October 28, 2011
punkin time
We had a punkin carving day with the kids and our nephew last weekend. The kids had fun and it was cool to see the older two select patterns and then do what they needed to create their masterpiece. The punkin's turned out great and here is some of our fun.....
This is a crappy photo, but I love the look on his face!
Here is another fun one where the boy looks like a vampire with his punkin behind him.
The girl hard at work.....
And believe it or not, but it was storming when we conducted this activity....thunder and hail!
Who can resist some yummy roasted punkin seeds? I tried a new recipe and it was sure tasty!
The finished products
a weeks worth
it has been almost a week since i posted for my project. part of me says it is a fail, but i know that i need to honor the craziness that is my life and allow myself to say it is okay if i cannot get to it that night. i do want to be posting more often however.
so here is a week's worth of happiness:
10/24 - day 6: it is monday, today i am simply thankful and happy that i am breathing
10/25 - day 7: hearing a slice of happiness that a friend is experience. not much better than being happy for someone else.
10/26 - day 8: a slow report day at work. makes the day tolerable.
10/27 - day 9: new opportunity. nothing wrong with checking things out with a new opportunity.
10/28 - day 10: lunch with an awesome friend whom i have missed terribly. it was full of awesomeness.
so here is a week's worth of happiness:
10/24 - day 6: it is monday, today i am simply thankful and happy that i am breathing
10/25 - day 7: hearing a slice of happiness that a friend is experience. not much better than being happy for someone else.
10/26 - day 8: a slow report day at work. makes the day tolerable.
10/27 - day 9: new opportunity. nothing wrong with checking things out with a new opportunity.
10/28 - day 10: lunch with an awesome friend whom i have missed terribly. it was full of awesomeness.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
happiness project weekend coverage
the happiness of this weekend.....child-free! grandparents took the kids friday and saturday evenings which allowed us to window shop, actual shop, commit the sin of gluttony. it has been awesome!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
happiness project day 4 & 5
yesterday: good days at school for the youngest one
today: enjoying an impromptu a capella performance at culver's
today: enjoying an impromptu a capella performance at culver's
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
happiness project day 3
a sleeping child is my happiness at the moment. no fighting at bedtime, no more "but mom, i need...", just slumber on the couch because he is so exhausted.
Monday, October 17, 2011
happiness project day 2
Things that made me happy today:
1) silliness. i got a case of these this afternoon and i think the hubby thought i was off my rocker. it was great!
2) viewing a fantastic photograph
3) my favorite show is on tonight....Castle. i don't believe i need to say more. ;)
1) silliness. i got a case of these this afternoon and i think the hubby thought i was off my rocker. it was great!
2) viewing a fantastic photograph
3) my favorite show is on tonight....Castle. i don't believe i need to say more. ;)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
happiness project day 1
my children and their cousin playing so awesomely together today. i have no idea how they managed it for so many hours, but they did. and i am proud of each of them
Accepting Life As Is
“Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you’re waiting for don’t pass you by.”” ~ Unknown
I came across this quote today when visiting a cool site I follow about Sensory Processing Disorder and it resonated with me. I feel as if we are in wait mode currently with Phoenix and I struggle at times with that. I often tell myself "just get through today or only one more month until his neuro appointment." And then there are moments when he does something that is so, well, him. And it will cause gut-busting laughter or wide smiles at his antics or silliness.
My children have some issues. While they don't technically fall under the special needs category I think, for us they have special needs that some other kids do not have. And that is okay. With all of the struggles that we have been through and all of those yet to come, my children are perfect. And they bring happiness into my life.
I have been struggling of late. Enough that it has impacted my life enough that I made the decision to go back on some medication to help. I feel as if I never have down time to myself and while I am aware that I simply just need to take the time, that is always easier said than done. Home life is crazy. Work life is crazy. I am not managing my stress well at all. Some of it is not accepting what life simply is at the moment and wanting it to be better. Some of it is not taking time to honor myself and recharging. My negativity and the lack of positive morale at work is killing me and yet it has been difficult for me to stay positive and not buy into the sack of crap that work has become.
Perhaps I need to do a 30 day happiness project where I post at least one thing that made me happy that day.....that's an idea. I'll start today.
I came across this quote today when visiting a cool site I follow about Sensory Processing Disorder and it resonated with me. I feel as if we are in wait mode currently with Phoenix and I struggle at times with that. I often tell myself "just get through today or only one more month until his neuro appointment." And then there are moments when he does something that is so, well, him. And it will cause gut-busting laughter or wide smiles at his antics or silliness.
My children have some issues. While they don't technically fall under the special needs category I think, for us they have special needs that some other kids do not have. And that is okay. With all of the struggles that we have been through and all of those yet to come, my children are perfect. And they bring happiness into my life.
I have been struggling of late. Enough that it has impacted my life enough that I made the decision to go back on some medication to help. I feel as if I never have down time to myself and while I am aware that I simply just need to take the time, that is always easier said than done. Home life is crazy. Work life is crazy. I am not managing my stress well at all. Some of it is not accepting what life simply is at the moment and wanting it to be better. Some of it is not taking time to honor myself and recharging. My negativity and the lack of positive morale at work is killing me and yet it has been difficult for me to stay positive and not buy into the sack of crap that work has become.
Perhaps I need to do a 30 day happiness project where I post at least one thing that made me happy that day.....that's an idea. I'll start today.
Monday, October 10, 2011
trying something different
one of my goals is to be healthier, which in turn means more exercise. i do not want to do this with the focus on weight loss, although that is a beautiful side effect hopefully. ;) so to try something new, i've added a new ticker to my blog....see the top right side column. yes, from my home to walt disney world it is 1418 miles. and i intend to track the miles i walk daily/every couple days/weekly to see how long it would take me to walk there. can't hurt to try something new, eh?
take the risk
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~Anais Nin (1903-1977)
this quote speaks volumes to me this evening. what to we have to lose if we take the risk? there are bigger risks than others and what we hold as value in those risk depends on our own perspective of course. but we face risks every day. many we never think of consciously. the ones that weigh heavy on our minds are the 'bigger' risks. should i quit my job? should i try to do my business full time? if i do this, how will it impact the kids? some of the answers come easier than others, but i know for a long time i have shied away from the risks and played things safely. and to me, that's not really living life to it's potential.
~Anais Nin (1903-1977)
this quote speaks volumes to me this evening. what to we have to lose if we take the risk? there are bigger risks than others and what we hold as value in those risk depends on our own perspective of course. but we face risks every day. many we never think of consciously. the ones that weigh heavy on our minds are the 'bigger' risks. should i quit my job? should i try to do my business full time? if i do this, how will it impact the kids? some of the answers come easier than others, but i know for a long time i have shied away from the risks and played things safely. and to me, that's not really living life to it's potential.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
disney planning day
we are having a disney planning day with my in-laws & nephew for our trip in June. it is my nephew's first trip and he is very excited. we've done plenty of trips on our own, just the two of us, and then the kids trip in 2008. this trip, we are all staying together in one villa and i want to ensure careful planning to allow everyone time to see and do the things they want to accomplish and yet still remain sane throughout the trip. ;) the main thing to figure out today is where we want to eat. dining reservations open up at the start of december for our trip and i want to be ready to roll with those rather than scrambling at the last minute.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fall Fun
talking with a friend today and i was talking about how much i missed taking photos and writing. he told me to do it. so i did. and it was awesome. here is some of our fall fun tonight.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
IMWI 2011
A close friend of mine participated in the 2011 Ironman Wisconsin race two weeks ago. And I was fortunate enough to be there to watch him and a few other folks, say about 2500, give their all. What an amazing day to witness. The perseverence, the sweat, the tears, the pride. The day was powerful, amazing and left me awestruck to what these individuals do with their bodies.
Here are some of the highlights from the day.....
Interested in seeing what Ironman is all about? Check out:
Here are some of the highlights from the day.....
My friend gave it his all, however he ended up passing out at approximately mile 9-10 of the marathon portion and was transported by ambulance to the med tent where he spent the next 3 hours or so receiving IV fluids. It was heartwrenching to see him process the day later that evening and then throughout the following week, but my friend is a go for IMWI 2012 as of this week! So, we'll be back in Madison for the race next year. His training this year was rather short for triathlete standards and he's laying a plan for training in 2012 that should have him finishing this race in 2012!
Interested in seeing what Ironman is all about? Check out:
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Out of Control
That is what my life feels like most often right now. I haven't blogged as I just haven't had the heart to. I would much prefer to keep things hidden or private in a sense, but I know it's not helping. P had his evaluation and he does not have ADHD, of which I am happy about. The doctor believes he is so sleep deprived he essentially manifesting ADHD symptoms: the impulsivity, lack of focus, hyperactivity, etc. He would like P to have a sleep study. Awesome. But the pediatrician's office will not refer until they receive the report from the neuro/psych doc. And our local sleep center does not work with kids his age, so we need to travel 45 minutes to another sleep center. (I know, it's not that big of a deal). That place will not speak with me about an appointment at all until they receive the pedi referral. They would not even tell me if he has to see the pedi neurologist first before a sleep study is scheduled or if he can do the sleep study right away or even how far out they are scheduling. In the meantime, we have a little boy who is struggling. And so are his parents. Four days of school so far = 2 incident reports sent home. Non-compliance, aggressiveness, not wanting to participate when he's asked to. And we don't know what to fricking do anymore.
Let me share that he while he's a very active kid, we were not having this large of issues while he was four. Yes, there were some minor things however things have ramped up over the summer. And he's sleeping worse than ever. He is more often than not having a night terror every night. Then he's usually up 3-4 times. We've taken to taking turns sleeping on his floor in desperation of soothing him and making him feel safe (cuz he's scared) and to allow the other parent a decent night's sleep.
He has been seeing a therapist for several weeks now and there have been improvements. Earlier this summer we were battling him almost nightly, now it's 1-3 times a week. But he's also bitten a teacher at summer camp and hit at his teacher today. We've learned through therapy that he likes to have control, which could be a terrific leadership quality if we can harness it right. There are days when we make awesome headway and then bam, then the next night he just disintegrates into this upset, hysterical child before my eyes. There are times when it is difficult to recall the improvements and that alone is frustrating. We have been working with a therapist as well for parent training, which has helped. We still have a long way to go. And while I know there is no magic wand to instantly make things better, it does not stop me from wishing we could solve this, right now.
I am feeling a major sense of being out of control. I am fully aware that I need to control a large portion of my life. I always have. But I have only admitted that recently. I know the anxiety that is felt when I am not in control and can relate to what he is feeling. However, while I turn that inward, he turns it outward against us. J said it perfectly the other month, "it's very humbling to have your ass kicked by your 5 year old." Now this was when things were literally at their worst (so far) and we had been hit, kicked, spit on, snotted on, pushed, had things thrown at us. We've learned that when he enters that stage, we cannot engage him. Or hug or touch him. It will only increase his emotions.
I am struggling because I do not know how to help my child. And that pains so much. I know he is a terrific kid with some issues. He has a beautiful zest for life and is my cuddlebug. But if you piss him off, what out. And that scares me.
Things have been tense between J and I. They came to a head a few weeks ago and during a long heated discussion, I leveled with him that things need to change. It was so difficult and quite an emotional communication, but it was so necessary. Emotions were raw and I told him I was not happy. And that if things do not change, I will not be with him in the years to come. We have both been working on things, which is great. But it is still a struggle at times. I snap at his tone of voice or he gets defensive when I say something. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage and we have been through a great deal together, so while I told him I'd leave if things did not change I also stated it would be one of the most difficult things I'd do.
To top things off, my day job is sucking the life out of me and I am allowing it to happen. Morale at work is so low and a job I enjoyed has become one that I loathe stepping through the doors each morning to do. I feel guilty that I am working when possibly being home to focus more time on P would be better for him. I feel as if I am in a constant state of "fight or flight." And I know it is not healthy.
I'm hoping to make some changes in addition to all of the ones above, things that keep me healthy. I know it is important and needs to be done in order for me to effectively help others in my family. I need to carve in time daily that is just for me. And to start enjoying life again rather than have it seem like a chore.
Let me share that he while he's a very active kid, we were not having this large of issues while he was four. Yes, there were some minor things however things have ramped up over the summer. And he's sleeping worse than ever. He is more often than not having a night terror every night. Then he's usually up 3-4 times. We've taken to taking turns sleeping on his floor in desperation of soothing him and making him feel safe (cuz he's scared) and to allow the other parent a decent night's sleep.
He has been seeing a therapist for several weeks now and there have been improvements. Earlier this summer we were battling him almost nightly, now it's 1-3 times a week. But he's also bitten a teacher at summer camp and hit at his teacher today. We've learned through therapy that he likes to have control, which could be a terrific leadership quality if we can harness it right. There are days when we make awesome headway and then bam, then the next night he just disintegrates into this upset, hysterical child before my eyes. There are times when it is difficult to recall the improvements and that alone is frustrating. We have been working with a therapist as well for parent training, which has helped. We still have a long way to go. And while I know there is no magic wand to instantly make things better, it does not stop me from wishing we could solve this, right now.
I am feeling a major sense of being out of control. I am fully aware that I need to control a large portion of my life. I always have. But I have only admitted that recently. I know the anxiety that is felt when I am not in control and can relate to what he is feeling. However, while I turn that inward, he turns it outward against us. J said it perfectly the other month, "it's very humbling to have your ass kicked by your 5 year old." Now this was when things were literally at their worst (so far) and we had been hit, kicked, spit on, snotted on, pushed, had things thrown at us. We've learned that when he enters that stage, we cannot engage him. Or hug or touch him. It will only increase his emotions.
I am struggling because I do not know how to help my child. And that pains so much. I know he is a terrific kid with some issues. He has a beautiful zest for life and is my cuddlebug. But if you piss him off, what out. And that scares me.
Things have been tense between J and I. They came to a head a few weeks ago and during a long heated discussion, I leveled with him that things need to change. It was so difficult and quite an emotional communication, but it was so necessary. Emotions were raw and I told him I was not happy. And that if things do not change, I will not be with him in the years to come. We have both been working on things, which is great. But it is still a struggle at times. I snap at his tone of voice or he gets defensive when I say something. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage and we have been through a great deal together, so while I told him I'd leave if things did not change I also stated it would be one of the most difficult things I'd do.
To top things off, my day job is sucking the life out of me and I am allowing it to happen. Morale at work is so low and a job I enjoyed has become one that I loathe stepping through the doors each morning to do. I feel guilty that I am working when possibly being home to focus more time on P would be better for him. I feel as if I am in a constant state of "fight or flight." And I know it is not healthy.
I'm hoping to make some changes in addition to all of the ones above, things that keep me healthy. I know it is important and needs to be done in order for me to effectively help others in my family. I need to carve in time daily that is just for me. And to start enjoying life again rather than have it seem like a chore.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I obviously haven't been blogging much. I haven't done much of anything really. This summer we've been trying to get by, day to day living. But we are here. We've had good days and bad days, some good and rough patches.
P had his neuro-psych eval last week. I'm dying for results, but our appt is scheduled for next week. I'd be willing to bet $ that we will be told he has ADHD. There has been talk about his tonsils/adenoids and his sleeping issues, possible seizure activity with his sleep issues & night terrors. He has been in fine form the last few months, acting like a complete lunatic some moments and being that sweet little boy at others. He's been doing behavioral therapy for a few weeks now and most sessions we are having a therapist work with us for parent training. It's been helpful. And while I know that getting an "answer" next week will not solve our problems, I'm hoping it helps with the stress level and the not knowing.
P had his neuro-psych eval last week. I'm dying for results, but our appt is scheduled for next week. I'd be willing to bet $ that we will be told he has ADHD. There has been talk about his tonsils/adenoids and his sleeping issues, possible seizure activity with his sleep issues & night terrors. He has been in fine form the last few months, acting like a complete lunatic some moments and being that sweet little boy at others. He's been doing behavioral therapy for a few weeks now and most sessions we are having a therapist work with us for parent training. It's been helpful. And while I know that getting an "answer" next week will not solve our problems, I'm hoping it helps with the stress level and the not knowing.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
testing
We are waiting to get an appointment scheduled for neuro-psych testing for Phoenix now. We have a therapy appointment set up for next week for J and I to start on a treatment plan, but without having the actual testing done, I'm leery of how much of a plan we'll come up with. Things are starting to become out of control for him with some of his behaviors and it's affecting him at daycare. He's sleeping like shit and his night terrors are worsening again. We know he has more difficulty with impulse control and anger when he's tired, so it's been an uphill battle to tackle everything.
On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly. We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit. I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.
On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly. We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit. I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.
different
Dearest Phoenix
As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life. You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life. And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional. We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help. It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister. I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future.
You hate being told no. You strongly dislike transitions. You are so unbelievably frickin' independent. You love to talk, at times non-stop. You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen. You have the best smile, your entire face lights up. And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis. You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes.
Your tantrums are becoming legendary. Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys. You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started. And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting. I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly. And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore. There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you. And I'm sorry for that.
If I am being honest, I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still." I am full aware of that. We live with your exuberance on a daily basis. The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it. I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well. But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one. I know that medication can help many things. It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister. But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside. And I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD. Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.
I have so much hope for you. You have such awesome potential to do great things. And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will. I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person. You are my baby. And I love you.
Love,
Mommy
As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life. You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life. And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional. We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help. It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister. I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future.
You hate being told no. You strongly dislike transitions. You are so unbelievably frickin' independent. You love to talk, at times non-stop. You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen. You have the best smile, your entire face lights up. And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis. You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes.
Your tantrums are becoming legendary. Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys. You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started. And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting. I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly. And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore. There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you. And I'm sorry for that.
If I am being honest, I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still." I am full aware of that. We live with your exuberance on a daily basis. The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it. I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well. But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one. I know that medication can help many things. It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister. But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside. And I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD. Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.
I have so much hope for you. You have such awesome potential to do great things. And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will. I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person. You are my baby. And I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sometimes I need a laugh
A friend shared this with me a few months ago and we always pull it out on our phones if one of us is having one of those days.....today (like so many in the past month) I am having one of those days that I could use a laugh.
Film Classics on Vuvuzela
Film Classics on Vuvuzela
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Whirling Dervish
The days and weeks have flown by and will continue to do so. It's my boy child's birthday today, he turned 5 and apparently wanted to start his fifth year out with a new 'do. He decided to cut his hair last night and I had no option but to buzz it off. Lovely. I did not cry. But I did think about it.
I'm sticking okay with the gluten free. To be honest, at times it's difficult because I'm not outwardly symptomatic however I know that my body inside is not doing well. That is hard to remember when that damn pizza smells so frickin' fantastic. But the majority of days are gluten free and I'm still on the hunt for new recipes all the time. I'm searching for some gluten free bread and will be resorting to baking my own here this week. Hoping that goes well.
The big news this week is that we are getting a dog. Yes, a sign that I am officially crazy. I've got two weeks until the walk, I'm working FT with a PT job and have two kids who are high energy and require extra attention for their needs....and I'm adding a dog. A selfish part of me longs for this. A dog that needs a walk, and because I cannot take the damn time for myself, this way I can do walks, etc for him (and for me). He's 7 and a boxer. And loves to sleep! The family met with him last weekend and things look like a great fit, so he should be joining our family this next weekend hopefully.
I have three more things to do before bed, so I better get scootin'. I think longingly of blogging throughout the days, but this month simply have not taken the time. I'm crashing into bed at night and looking forward to things to wind down soon.
I'm sticking okay with the gluten free. To be honest, at times it's difficult because I'm not outwardly symptomatic however I know that my body inside is not doing well. That is hard to remember when that damn pizza smells so frickin' fantastic. But the majority of days are gluten free and I'm still on the hunt for new recipes all the time. I'm searching for some gluten free bread and will be resorting to baking my own here this week. Hoping that goes well.
The big news this week is that we are getting a dog. Yes, a sign that I am officially crazy. I've got two weeks until the walk, I'm working FT with a PT job and have two kids who are high energy and require extra attention for their needs....and I'm adding a dog. A selfish part of me longs for this. A dog that needs a walk, and because I cannot take the damn time for myself, this way I can do walks, etc for him (and for me). He's 7 and a boxer. And loves to sleep! The family met with him last weekend and things look like a great fit, so he should be joining our family this next weekend hopefully.
I have three more things to do before bed, so I better get scootin'. I think longingly of blogging throughout the days, but this month simply have not taken the time. I'm crashing into bed at night and looking forward to things to wind down soon.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
8 Years
Eight years ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed not fully comprehending what was happening to me. I knew I was having a baby, but no clue as to how sick I was getting throughout the day. Our four pound guppy was born just after 3pm and I barely got to see her before she was whisked off. I spent that night recovering and finally got down to see her the next morning where I held her for the first time. Eight years. I can recall moments of that day precisely and yet it seems so long ago. We got off to a rocky start and quite frankly, life with that child has been an adventure ever since.
She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady. One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.
I love that little girl. I sure do.
She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady. One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.
I love that little girl. I sure do.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Vote for us!
My mom and I entered a local "Mother & Daughter" look-a-like contest and I'd appreciate your vote!! I'd love for her to get some extra pampering!
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