i hate to be another downer post, but i need to get it out. i am lost. lost in how to help my children. i feel as if we are being pulled in a thousand different directions and still are no closer to answers. focusing on one more than the other over the last several months and wondering if that is kicking our asses now. i cannot even begin to describe the depth of emotion running through me this evening. just when i think we have crossed one hurdle another presents itself. and i do not know where to turn next. we literally have been missing at least 2-4 hours of work each week to take one child to therapy. and now we will have to get the other back into regular therapy, which adds more time. i 100% know it is necessary, but it does not make it any easier to swallow.
i am drowning. drowning in stress, drowning in being overwhelmed. and i am angry. so fucking angry. angry that i at times feel as if we just keep spinning our wheels. that we take a step forward and then two steps back. that i sometimes feel like i do not know how much more of myself i can give. that my partner has begun to fall back into old habits and i again feel alone.
work fucking sucks. i dread each morning i know i have to walk into that toxic environment. the job itself is not bad, but the management and decisions coming down from the higher ups stink, quite frankly. i had my ass smoozed, or at least attempted to be smoozed, at the end of the week and as i sat there addressing a few concerns i knew she was not truly hearing what i had to say. she responded with her pat answers that were meant to appease me and feel like she actually gives two shits about me as a person. and then i find out hours later that one of the issues i addressed she had info on and a decision has been made that fucks me at work, again. i am deciding how big of a war to wage and how far i can push things. i need a job to help provide financially for my family and to help my own sanity, but the stress of my current full-time employment is eating me alive and i am struggling with dealing with the stress of it.
the boy child has been going to therapy weekly and i can certainly appreciate the fact that he has made leaps & bounds improvement since summer, heck he is a different kid from the summer. but this week and last he is ramping back up and we have had struggles almost each day. he had a consult for a sleep study this past week and will have a sleep study done just before christmas. he also had a consult the other week with ent for tonsil & adenoid removal which was scheduled for the first week of dec. but the pedi neurologist would like the sleep study done prior to the t&a surgery, so that surgery has now been pushed off until early jan. we still have questions as to what is going on with him, why he does not sleep well, wondering if the night terrors will ever go away. on a brighter note, he has made tremendous progress with his behavior at school. i am crossing every body part i have in hopes that we have more answers come february. it has been his turn for the "one thing after another" ride and i am ready to get off the attraction anytime now.
the girl child has been doing well. at least up until a few weeks ago. she has started to have some sassiness and frustration edge back in. i thought perhaps it could be hormones starting to kick in, but we have seen an increase in the last week or so. she has been angry. she has been snotty. she has resorted to her animal noises so much lately. and if i ask her if anything is bothering her, she replies there is nothing. but in the last 24 hours, it has become very apparent that something is not right. she has a check in with the psychiatrist this week and we had planned to be discussing taking her off her meds come the new year, but at this point we intend to ask to keep her on and possibly raise her dose. which is not easy to think of doing, but if it needs to happen it will. she is lashing out at us and then retreats into her self blame. and it just fucking breaks my heart to witness.
j and i discussed how things are going tonight in regards to the kids. he stated he does not know what to do or how to handle things. i understand because i feel the same damn way every damn day. but i am also frustrated because i am the one still reading books and listening podcasts/audiobooks for tips on how to help our kids. he said he wonders at times if she has problems because of the way we raised her, if we did not provide good enough boundaries with her, etc. my gut reaction is to say "fuck that" but it is also in my mind. i constantly wonder if i passed along a genetic disposition to depression or if something got messed up due to my pregnancy. i feel like i did something to make this happen. i know logically that is untrue, but i still feel it.
i feel like a failure when i do not know how to help my kids. when they are struggling and in need and i have no answers. when i try and try and some days it seems to make no difference. and on those days when i am empty and can simply do nothing more than retreat myself. but i know that i am doing what i need to to help my kids. at times that is difficult to recall however.
i feel lost. that i do not know which end is up or what way to take next. decisions that are not difficult have become difficult. i am not sleeping well. definitely not eating well. managing stress is not my strong suit at this moment in my life. each day it becomes more and more laborious to put on the happy face and pretend like life is awesome or easy. i am losing my positivity which i hold so dear.