Monday, July 4, 2011


Dearest Phoenix

As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life.  You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life.  And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional.  We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help.  It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister.  I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future. 

You hate being told no.  You strongly dislike transitions.  You are so unbelievably frickin' independent.  You love to talk, at times non-stop.  You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen.  You have the best smile, your entire face lights up.  And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis.  You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes. 

Your tantrums are becoming legendary.  Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys.  You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started.  And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting.  I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly.  And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore.  There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you.  And I'm sorry for that.

If I am being honest, I'm scared.  Scared of what is to come.  People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still."  I am full aware of that.  We live with your exuberance on a daily basis.  The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it.  I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well.  But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one.  I know that medication can help many things.  It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister.  But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside.  And I don't know why.  I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD.  Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.

I have so much hope for you.  You have such awesome potential to do great things.  And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will.  I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person.  You are my baby.  And I love you.



Dawn said...

I had the same fears, and Colton has NO side effects. We see him more able to concentrate and he feels better with himself too. They should start low & work up in dosage if needed. I was terrified of the label, the meds, and all of it, but it's turning out to be OK (but we have to hide his meds because they're a controlled substance that sells like hotcakes on the black market!) ;o
Call me if you need to chat, I'm here.

Kristin said...

You are such a good mom Denise. It is so hard to watch your kids struggle, but it is even harder to step back and admit that there is a problem and that you need help. I really hope that things improve with both kiddos. They are lucky to have you.