feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

First Days

A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.

It's the first day of school in this neck of the woods and my eldest joined the middle school ranks.  I have never cried at the first day of school.  Daycare, yes, school, no.  This morning, after she boarded the bus and was on her way, I turned toward the house and was overcome with emotion.  My baby girl is growing up.  

We haven't always done right by her and have been working to change that.  We've protected her a bit too much and sometimes that means she doesn't want to do something or believe that she can do something.  We've tried to fix life for her rather than have her figure it out at times.  And to know where she's come from with her anxiety to seeing how bravely she faced her fears today, it simply make me verklempt.  She shared that she was scared for today last evening, but handled herself with grace and courage.  I am so proud of her.  She is so damn amazing.  The line at the top of the post is one I came across today as someone else shared their emotions of of the first day of school.  I read it and was teary-eyed in seconds.  These kids are our ships and yes, sometimes they need the safety of the harbor.  What they need is the freedom to sail while knowing they have a solid foundation (boat) and that safe harbor to come home to.  

This parenting stuff is hard some days.  Some days are fantastic.  Today was a bit of both.

The Universe does it again

I signed up for and receive emails from the Universe. I love reading them and there are many times where the daily email fits for the life moment that is happening.  This is today's......

What if that one person in your life right now that you're not feeling so much love for, Denise, was also the one person in your life right now for whom you could make the greatest difference?

Cool?
    The Universe

This hits so close to home right now, it might as well have dropped a house on top of me.  Rather than working at being upset, I need to address my perspective and work to see how I can be of assistance.  This person is struggling and I don't believe wants to look at just how much they are struggling.  This person is suffering and while I don't have the answers on how to exactly help, I know that I can do better to support this person.  I can stop judging, stop being angry with, stop criticizing, and practice more love, more acceptance, and more support.  

I can understand that at first glance, this comes across as a selfish writing.  What I have learned this last year is that I can only control my own side of the street, no one else's street.  I cannot change this person, but I can change how I react and interact with this person.  And in doing so, help us both.

Struggling

I have gotten away from writing again, which saddens me.  However, it is not enough to spur me to actually write.  There are moments when I think, "I need to write about this," but it never comes to fruition. 

I am struggling.  Partnership, professionally, personally.  I feel overwhelmed most of the time and often I just shut down emotionally as a response.  I have been working to allow myself to feel emotions, good and bad and all those inbetween, so shutting down is not a good thing. 

I want to get back into expressing myself, but I have this damn fear I need to work through.  I am so tired of being afraid of shit.  I know that opening myself up and being vulnerable will help, but it's so damn scary to do.

2013 book list

I fell way behind and didn't capture all the books near the end of the years, but here's for filing purposes. 



1.  The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
2.  Temptation and Surrender by Stephanie Laurens
3.  Covet by J.R. Ward
4.  Crave by J.R. Ward
5.  Envy by J.R. Ward
6.  We Hope You Like This Song by Bree Housley
7.  Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
8.  Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
9.  And Then She Fell by Stephanie Laurens
10.  My Ruthless Prince by Gaelen Foly
11.  Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire
12. Awakened by Brenda Davies
13.  Reinventing Claire by Darian Wilk
14.  Ain't No Sunshine by Leslie DuBois
15.  Autumn's Shadow by Lyn Cote
16.  Lover At Last by J.R. Ward
17. An Unwilling Conquest by Stephanie Laurens
18. Sold by Patricia McCormick
19. Frozen Heat by Richard Castle
20. i'd know you anywhere by Laura Lippman
21. A Change in Altitude by Anita Shreve
22. Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
23.  The Good, The Bad, and the Undead by Kim Harrison
24. Every Which Way But Dead by Kim Harrison
25. What the Duke Desires by Sabrina Jefferies
26. Any Duchess Will Do by Tessa Dare
27. Dance of Seduction by Sabrina Jefferies
28 Switch by Megan Hart
29. After Midnight by Teresa Medeiros
30.  The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey
31. Left for Dead: My Journey Home From Everest by Beck Weathers

Winter fun day

The kids got ice skates for a gifts this holiday and we headed out to enjoy some evening fun at a nearby park.

It was a blast.  And we discussed snow shoes for future outings.