Monday, March 23, 2009

Cancer Shmancer

My dad has cancer.

Bladder cancer. Sucks, but what can you do. He's had one surgery already and goes in again this Friday for another resection. After that he starts a course of BCG for 6 weeks, don't ask me to spell out what BCG means, I'd have to look it up again. At this point, it's in the wait and see stage until after this next surgery and treatment. We are hoping for good news, of course.

I haven't really dealt with the emotions of this. My mom called me at work after the initial diagnosis and I stayed strong on the phone for her, but immediately broke down for a couple minutes afterward. But since then, I've honestly stuffed it way back into the deep recesses of my brain, and heart. Life has been too hectic to even contemplate the possibilities and I simply haven't had time or the shoulder to cry on with the hubby working so much lately. So, I'm going to try and deal with it this week. That's a goal. Sounds weird, but for me it's pretty big. Just ask my husband. It's been driving him crazy that I'm keeping this bottled up.

We've known for a while now, but he hasn't wanted to tell family until now. He sprung the news this weekend. Can you just imagine that conversation? Seriously horrendous. "Hi mom & dad, I have cancer. Could you pass the coffee please?" They broached the subject with humor, which is just totally our family. And then my mom told our side of the family too. So, it's not a secret anymore. Whew. That was one secret that majorly sucked keeping.

I'm scared. Scared for my dad, my mom, and for our family. He's really my step-dad, but he's my dad in every sense of the word. And I can't imagine not having him in our lives. He was a godsend for my mom and I. She will be lost without him and that makes me feel so many emotions that I just don't want to feel. I've been trying to not go to the doom and gloom of it all, but that's my greatest fear. That I will lose my dad. I have friends who have (love to you both, you know who you are) and I can only imagine. To have to think of losing a parent at this age is just unacceptable to me. He's in somewhat of denial himself. Well, seriously how could one NOT be in denial on some level. But we're all thinking positively.

He'll be having surgery again on Friday, so any good thoughts you can pass along would be much appreciated.

8 comments:

Liz O said...

Denise, I was just checking in and saw your post. You and your mom and your dad and your entire family are all in my thoughts and prayers. I related so well to what you said here about keeping these feelings under lock and key. To feel it makes it real and sometimes its just too difficult. Please know that if you ever need to talk or just a shoulder to cry on that I'm here for you... from a few hundred miles away. :) Chin up, and best of luck to your dad on his surgery!

Lisa said...

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep him fighting...there is always hope. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Dawn said...

FUCK NO!!!!!
Damnit, D!!!

I am SOOO sorry!!!
We're talking TONIGHT!!!

D

Aunt Becky said...

Shit! I'm sending you prayers and love. I'm so sorry.

Lori said...

Sending tons of (((hugs))) prayers, love, etc. So sorry that you all are going through this!

mumma boo said...

I'm so sorry! Stay positive - I know it's tough to do in these situations, but it really can help. Sending many prayers, hugs and love your way.

Lyndsey said...

(((((hugs)))))) I'm really sorry, Denise. I know how scary it is when your parent has cancer. Please take care and I will keep your family in my prayers.

Amy said...

Sending lots of love, prayers, and (((hugs)))