Wishes

I wish I had never been touched by preeclampsia. For all the positive that has come from it, I still feel very angry and bitter at times. I am immensely lucky to have my children with me, so many are not as fortunate. I'm five years out from my HELLP experience and two years from the mind numbing second chance pregnancy. So why is it that I still feel as strongly about it today as I did years ago. As soon as I think I've accepted our fate, and in many ways I have accepted it, something rears up and the thoughts & feelings are brought to the forefront again.

I wish I was still naive about preeclampsia and it's affects. I wish I never met had to meet a woman who has lost her child. I wish more people knew about how serious preeclampsia can be. I wish I could be wrapped in that tight cocoon of "everything will be perfect and go according to plan."

I came across a blog last week and after reading it, I've found myself in a funk. And going over my wishes. This woman is pregnant with her sixth child, and she wrote that she was excited to have been diagnosed with preeclampsia as she got a "get out of pregnancy" card at two weeks early. She had mild preeclampsia with two other pregnancies I believe. When my eyes first read her words, anger filled me. Anger that she was so cavalier about a condition that kills. And anger that I wished I looked at preeclampsia like that.

There are many women who are affected very mildly by preeclampsia. It touches their lives briefly and it vanishes from their radar as soon as they leave the hospital. They say, "it was no big deal" or downplay it completely. I know some doctors do not share the seriousness of the condition with their patients as to not worry them and cause their blood pressure go up. But what's right? Shielding them from the potential or being real and giving facts? I believe you can share information without frightening women. We are not hysterical creatures. Well, some of us may be, but I know a couple men who could fall in that category.

I wish I could be one of those women who had mild preeclampsia and never thought of it again. I wish I didn't feel like a freak. I have used our experiences to help others and to push forward in hoping for a cure/prevention. I know I have done good things, have created positive experiences from our hell, our worst thing. But there is still a part of me who is jealous of a woman who has the perfect pregnancy, the perfect baby who never cries and doesn't have reflux. To not have to worry about risking another pregnancy. To not have be on mag or watch your baby desat in the nicu.

I read a comment by someone I admire and respect the other day where she shared her experiences and when responding to someone who asked how she did it again, and again, even after nearly dying...she replied that she'd do it all again in a heartbeat if she knew she'd get her children out of it again. As I took in the words, my heart began to pound and my spirits fell. I wish I was brave enough to try again, but the fear and the risk was so overwhelming for us. I wish I could be "tra-la-la" about it, but I just can't.

So many wishes, and none will come true.