Bird on a Wire

I am so frustrated.  And I do not know what to do.  My abilities as a parent are 100% failing me.  And I feel like a bird on a wire.  I am precariously perched on a small ledge and if I shift too far one way or the other, the fall has the potential of devastating consequences.  However, I am attempting to remain stalwart and strong, albeit ready to take flight.

Ari has tried many activities....T-ball, tennis, tae kwan do, swimming, and now Brownies.  T-ball was a nightmare.  And is when we discovered activities that has her focusing more on individuality rather than a full team is better for her psyche.  She can do team approach somewhat, however the counselor warned that she feels responsible for a loss if she feels she made the slightest mistake.  Okay, no "team" sports.  She tried tae kwan do over the summer the other year and was excellent at it.  J signed her up for the remainder of the year and quite frankly, ended up pushing her too hard and she stopped wanting to go.  Talk of tournaments and a rigorous 3 times a week schedule was too much for her.  Tennis was a 6 week program at school.  She made it two weeks.  Swimming is the only thing that has stuck for her and she is quite good.  It challenges her  and yet allows her to interact with other kids at the same level.

And then she wanted to join Brownies this year.  She was so excited, couldn't wait to get her sash and earn badges.  And here we are, the second week in a row, that she doesn't want to go.  She states she has no fun at Brownies and the meetings are too long.  I let her skip last week as many of the girls do not attend each and every meeting.  However, the December and January meetings were canceled due to weather.  She's sold the cookies and had fun.  But she says she's done now.  So, in a fit of anger, I told her if she didn't go today (touring the fire dept at which she's been too before) then after she gets her cookies, she's done.  It's not fair to the other participants if she isn't willing to give her best towards it.

I'm on the fence about forcing my children to attend something they signed up for.  Part of me dictates that if you sign up for something you follow it through.  The other part of me knows how she is and that it will be a disaster if we force her.  I don't know what lesson to teach.  That you follow through or that it's okay to quit?  Can I teach her both?  That if you try something and don't like it, try something else and keep trying until you find your "thing?"  Or that you sign the line (and mom & dad invest $ into), you keep going whether you like it or not.

She sits here now asking me to play Pokemon with her.  I cannot and will not.  This is the time that she is to be at Brownies and I will not be spending the time playing a game with her.  Not sure which lesson I'm teaching at this point, but it feels right.  Of course, it has led to her crying and hitting herself, screaming "I'm so stupid" and "I"m no good at anything."   I feel desperate to fix her.  To tell her she is worthy and have her completely believe me.  I don't know how to best help my child today.  I am struggling and frustrated.  My patience feels as if it's nearing empty and I do not not how to replenish it.  I am so tired of the struggle and I do not know what to do next to best help her.  Is this just her personality?  Or is something else going on?  I know she will always struggle with perfectionism, worries, and self-esteem.  I just want her to be the best Ari that she can be, that's my job as her mother.  Right now, I am at a loss at how to do so.

I'm Baaaaaack

So, I resolved my issues with blogspot after having posting issues on wordpress.  And I'm back here.

Part of my decision in moving to a different local was a few select individuals who read my blog.  Then I thought about it.  And thought about it some more.  There are times I do not post what I really want to due to eyes that may be reading.  And my conclusion is, if someone doesn't like what I post.....then don't come here.  Simple as that.  Why do I have to leave a place I was comfortable in to avoid a situation?  I don't.  And I won't give that person power in that regard.

My apologizes to those who followed me over the wp.  I hope you keep up here again.

Love to you all in bloggy land.

Appt Update

I was able to get the appointment rescheduled for March 1st.  That’s not too far away.  I hope. 

Book Check

What book are you reading right now?  Why did you chose it?  Are you enjoying it?

Anxiety Update

It’s been a while since I posted (of course).  Here’s a down and dirty on the anxiety status at our home:
December (prior to Christmas)–I arrange for Ari’s records to be sent to Dr. D (the child psychologist).  Then I find out that I need to complete a large packet prior to the office scheduling an appointment.  Nothing like a delay.  I receive the packet in the mail on Christmas Eve and spend time over the holidays answering questions such as “what fears does your child have?” and “what kind of discipline do you use with your child?”  I send the packet in right away with hope we get an appointment in January yet.
One week goes by.
Another week goes by.  I’m becoming anxious now about this appointment.  I think about calling, but tell myself that they need to review her records and the packet prior to scheduling the appoint.
I call at 3 weeks out.  And the receptionist says “We sent your packet out on Dec. 22 and have yet to receive anything back.”  Um, you’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me.  Yes, that is what I really said.  Two trains of thought instantly coursed through my mind.  1) Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  How can this be?  You HAVE to schedule her NOW.  2) sigh.  The paperwork got lost in the mail.  I want to cry.
I feel myself getting very emotional, but hold it together and firmly tell the woman that I sent back the packet right after Christmas.  She will mail me another, or I can stop by and pick it up.  It’s Wednesday.  My goal is to have it back to them by the next day or Friday at the latest.  We make arrangements for me pick up the packet.  I hang up and then I start to cry.  I am upset with myself for not calling sooner.  For not listening to my gut.  But what can I do at this point.  Fill out another damn packet, that’s what.
I collect myself and make another call.  Within minutes, Jason calls from home.  Thankfully he was home with a sick kid and guess who called?  Dr. D’s office.  They found the packet.  And we have an appt for the second week of February.  I think they worked us in due to the snafu.
During this time, Ari has had a pretty good time dealing with her anxiety.  No major “episodes” as I call them.  I start to question myself and our decision.  Are we doing the right thing?  I remind myself that we’ve gone weeks before where things were good and then whammo.  Anxiety/worries/emotional instability strikes.  And of course, that is exactly what happened.  The week of the full moon, hell broke loose.  A week and a half of upheaval.  It was exhausting.  And it reminded me that while she may great days/weeks, she still manages this on a daily basis.
And here we are.  Almost to her appointment.  It’s supposed to be this next Thursday.  And Friday, she brings home an invitation.  Her class is putting on a play.  She’s playing “mouse” and wants us to be there.  The play is at 2:15pm.  Guess what time her appointment is?  2:00pm.  And just the mention that perhaps she may not be in the play and we’d have to talk with her teacher about sends her over the edge.  So, I will be calling Monday to reschedule her appointment.
sigh.  I’m guessing it will be another month or two before we get in.